070211

Read it, don't read it, I don't care...I just need to get some things off my chest.

In no particular order of chronology or importance...

1.  I am listening to Dr. Dre Chronic while writing this, so I might as well start with this take.  Robert Garrigus admitted he smoked pot while playing on the Nationwide tour...during rounds.  Well, this explains a whole hell of a lot.  Here I am watching this big hitter at the US Open using a 28 inch putter.  I was confused.  The announcers didn't even give a reason he used it.  Now, everything is clear.  I can picture it now.  After a round on the Nationwide back in the day, him and his buddies hit up a 7-11 to get some snacks.  They smoke a little more, and one Einstein declares "Hey, dudes, let's go play some miniature golf."  They play, Garrigus has a record round, hits it in the clown's mouth, they play some of the free round until they get bored.  Hole #9 is right by the parking lot, and everyone walks off the course and leaves.  THEN, while playing a real round, he lips out a gimme, takes another hit, and has his caddie go get the miniature golf club.  He wins the round, case closed.  Hell, they were probably listening to Dr. Dre on the way to the 7-11.
2.  Chad, you now have my attention.  Screw the bull ride and riding shotgun with Jeff Gordon, let me know when this wrestling an alligator shit happens.  I am in.  And Chad, thanks for the update on Palmer.  Does anyone wonder if Palmer is in Burma pulling a J. Peterman?  The Bengals are the one happy team that the negotiations have stalled.  They have no freaking idea who will be under center.
3.  THAT WAS YOUR PLAN, FLYERS????  I have a heart attack when you get rid of Richards and Carter, I have to spend ten minutes of my life learning how to pronounce our savior goalie, and you pick up JAGR???  OK.  Talbot was a great pickup, but come on.  Jagr (dude, I am not cracking on your past skills, I am questioning your present ones)??  Did you guys go out for drinks with Dan Snyder recently?  Hell, if that is the case, let's give Albert Haynesworth a shot in goal.  He can just stand in front of the goal.  He can take plays off, because he can stay in one place.  Think about it.  Albert can stand in one place, the Flyers get a goalie, and Shanahan has less headaches.  It is freaking brilliant.  Spread the word.  Put that info in the barking chain, dalmations.  Pay it forward (just don't get stabbed at the end of the movie).  Segway.  What a GREAT movie, but the kid gets stabbed?  Ruthless.
4.  Reggie Bush won't give back the Heisman.  This is the Chandler/ Joey part of the rant.  "Too many jokes...too many jokes..."
5.  Not that I bet on tennis when I WAS a bettor, but just for the record, I would have lost my car, rent money, everything this weekend.  I would have bet the farm on Sharapova.  Wait.  That's new.  I just reread that take.  Did I just have a take on betting on tennis?  Wow.  I haven't even started drinking yet.
6.  The AL West is rigged.  HAS to be.  I think they just have copied and pasted the standings for the last ten years.  Uhhh... New York, Boston, Tampa Bay, Toronto, Baltimore.  Say it again with me.  It doesn't matter how good or bad everyone starts.  By the All-Star game, everything is as it should be.  More on MLB in a bit.  The other two division teams are saying..."damn, guess we better win the division, because the wildcard is wrapped up..."
7.  The Blazers have offered Greg Oden a new contract.  That is freaking hilarious.  I won't even touch the much used joke about him looking 40 since he was 17.  He has played like 20 games.  Wow, and I thought I was an optimist.  You guys make me look silly.  Maybe the GM thinks he is me at a Panic show and everything will "just go perfectly."  Something tells me that he was hanging with Garrigus eating a big bag of Doritos when he sent over that offer.
8.  The NFL and NBA lockouts are just news to people.  For me, I get cold sweats.  It is one thing to enjoy not having kids, girlfriend, pets, etc.  and do whatever I want.  It is a whole new problem that arises if sports aren't on TV.  Fix this shit.  Quickly.  There aren't THAT many Seinfeld reruns being shown daily.
9.  Covert NFL talks and now we find out Carmelo is secretly rehabbing an injury.  sshhhhhhh...don't pay it forward, otherwise you will go on double secret probation...
10.  In my new weekly "I hate FOX take," they always have video links of something cool.  You click on them, and you wait for 3 minutes for a ten second video.  Stop it.  You are being silly.
11.  How the hell did Jason Heyward go 14th in the MLB draft a few years ago?  14th?
12.  Michael Vick signs with Nike.  Damn, I already used the Chandler take.  Ummmm.  uhhh.  Oooh.  Got it.  You guys should release one of those commercials like the Gillette one with Tiger, Henry, and Federer.  The 30 second commercial with both those two in it would help people forget "The Decision."
13.  A shout out to Wille Harris.  Sad story.  I am so sorry for you, and I hope you and your wife get through it.
14.  Houston might go to the AL.  Oakland has already asked Selig if they can just do a mid-season transfer. They are lonely.
15.  Kobe has a new advanced surgery on his knee.  I read about it.  It actually is a cool idea.  I am not very smart nor a doctor, but it has something to do with taking blood from a healthy part of your body, throwing everything into a centrifuge to separate the platelets in the blood, and then injecting the platelets into the hurt area to spurn new tissue growth.  It makes sense to me.  Get healthy, dude.  I need you to fail to get your third ring without Shaq, so I can laugh at you when some idiot tries to insert you into the same sentence as MJ.
16.  I follow baseball pretty closely.  Every year for the last 10 years, there is always one guy at the top of pitching that I have no idea who he is.  This year, you have Halladay, Sabbathia, Lester, Verlander, and then...Jurrjens.  ??  I will include you in my next practice session with pronouncing the Flyers new goalie's name.
17.  I am stocking up.  I am going another rant without the "sky is blue" take.  That gives me three at my disposal for next time.  I am keeping track.  I have to save them if I don't feel them.  You never know.  DeShawn could get arrested, Artest could change his name again, Capriati could get sent to rehab (wow, that last one was kind of harsh), etc.  Got to keep them in the holster.  G's up, Ho's down.
18.  I like people who back up their talk.  Reyes says he doesn't want to talk contract, and then goes 6 consecutive games with multiple hits.  MULTIPLE HITS.  Actually, I didn't mean to capitalize that last sentence, because in case you are curious, Roger Hornsby had 13 straight games in 19 twenty something.  Talk to me when you get to 10.  Anyway, still pretty badass.
19.  Hickson for Casspi.  Good trade for both teams, but better for the Cavs. Casspi probably wants to get the hell away from Demarcus Cousins anyway.  Who wouldn't?  Casspi is a three who can nail the 3pointer...good news for Irving.  There was a logjam at the four for Cleveland.  I envision Hickson, Cousins, and Evans getting busted at a stripclub in about 7 months.  Just sounds about right.
20.  Here we go.  Nadal/ Djokovic.  Wake up tomorrow to watch this one, people.  Djokovic has lost once all year.  He is also 4-0 against Nadal this year.  Nadal has only lost once in a Grand Slam final.  Something has to give.  Give me Nadal in 4 very long sets...two tiebreakers.  Sidenote, if you didn't catch the highlights from the Tsonga/ Djokovic match, catch them.  Fancy stuff.  Hey, Djokovic, you and Kim Clijsters should have an affair.  You both have random "j's" in your name.
21.  Finally, hello, T.  You give hookers a bad name...Speaking of G's up Ho's down...late, people.

as one shepherd said to the other shepherd, let's get the flock out of here...