072011

Read it, don't read it, I don't care...I am just getting some things off my chest.

In no particular order of chronology or importance...

1.  YES! Let's start with someone who eventually is going to just get his own separate blog section on here.  Dude.  You just make my blog easier to write.  The fact that I get one thing from you every week is one less take I have to worry about manufacturing.  Kenny Britt. He was handcuffed on stage at a Britney Spears concert on stage.  I was so excited you were back in the news that I forgot to really read the article.  All I know is with that ambiguous headline, either way of looking at it is totally possible.

2.  WSOP.  Two quick things.  I am amazed of how popular the sport got about 10-15 years ago, largely because of one of my favorite flicks Rounders (yes, I believe it had the biggest persuasion on the public.  It's my story and I am sticking to it), the online surge, and some of the famous experts of the game.  Since it has become popular and all those guys became famous, no big name ever wins it.  I read the final table lineup and of course, no big names again.  I WAS happy to find out that Jason Alexander was one of three celebrities who made the third day.  I bet you he was betting the opposite.

3.  If I ever lose my mind, I am going to call Marvin Lewis's therapist.  I am just assuming he has a therapist with the cast of characters he is managing over there.

4.  I opened up the article about Jim McMahon's limo driving through a random fence in a field outside of Reno.  I was sad to not read anything special involved in this incident.  The biggest personality of a sport in the 80's in a limo that goes through a fence and there is nothing exciting about it?  No hookers?  No drinking? Just would seem right.

5.  Michael Vick went to Congress about his anti-dogfighting stance (congrats on your new endorsement, dog killer-Fuse Science).  I was going to talk about how I think this cause sounds so fake to me, but I was too excited about my new useless fact.  During the coverage, I found out that in Montana it is legal to watch two animals fight.  That is just odd.  What is going on up there?  I hope they base the Rise of the Planet of the Apes from there.

6.  The Mets are so confusing.  They trade away one of the highest closers in the game, are shopping Beltran allegedly, but have proclaimed they are keeping Reyes.  Don't you idiots realize that in baseball you are either a buyer or seller?  Pick a side and stick with it.  Talk about straddling the fence...

7.  Yay.  The CBA is approved apparently.  Let's get this shit on...and thanks for not making me wander the streets aimlessly on Sunday afternoon.  Make me do that after the second round of games.

8.  Mendenhahl...Mendenhall (damn.  why did I think their was another "h" in there?  An extra consonant? Who do I think he is? Kim Clijsters?  Djokovic? ) is suing Champion for dropping him after his weird comments after Bin Laden's death.  I am not counting this as the third thing in the Steelers' things happen in three's.  This is like 2.2.  I am still scared there is a .8 coming.  Did anyone ever call Ben/ every local college bar in every town in any part of the country?

9.  Shaq is already at it, days after being announced.  I LOVE it.  He called the Heat the Big Two.  Hey Shaq, look at my previous take.  I think you should have called them the Big 2.5 or something.  It would have been funnier I think.

10.  I didn't win the random lottery for the Masters tickets.  I can't win ANYTHING in life unless it involves any kind of skill.  Can we shoot pool or play a Golden Tee tournament for them?

11.  The NBA schedule was released.  SO weird listening to the games of the year announced when they are still in a lockout.  It is like watching a nun through an open window get in the shower.

12.  Quietly, Tampa Bay resigned Stamkos.  Solid move.  He is definitely a keeper, and you guys aren't going anywhere.

13.  I love how LSU is announced as preseason #1 in some polls this week within a day or two of the NCAA announcing they are on probation.  With an unproven QB.  Classic.  Hmmm.. what would be a parallel?  How about this?  It would be like Kenny Britt volunteering for charity work when he is on work release.  I actually had a better one, but wanted to sneak in Kenny Britt again.

14.  Stephen Strasburg might be back in mid September. What are you guys smoking?  Are you planning on getting above .500 at least first?  You are going to rush back the jewel of your franchise while you are out of the playoff picture with a month left in the season?  Wow.  This is not like Tracy Austin hypothetically taking a year off back in the day knowing her prime was 16.

15.  Chris Osgood retires and the headline mentions he had 401 wins.  Uhhhh...  My headline would read Chris Osgood retires after winning 3 Stanley Cups.  Take THAT and rewind it back.

16.  OK.  This is tough for me.  My boy, Tiger, fired his caddie today.  Listen, man.  Make up any story you want to the media.  Maybe you needed to do it now for whatever reason.  Let me just say this.  What it LOOKS like is that you are blaming your caddie for your troubles.  And what fans you have left just got smaller (don't worry, I am still totally in your corner and awaiting your comeback anxiously) It is YOU, dude. Your yanked drives had nothing to do what Williams was whispering in your ear before you approached the tee.  Maybe you are setting up blaming the chicks on him too.  Dude, c'mon.  And how the HELL are you playing a charity event in August with an injury you are resting?  I am sure that Michael Jordan would take it easy playing in a charity game when he was hurt...moving on.

17.  I found it a very sad blurb that the boy died who got in the fender bender when Lamar Odom was a passenger in the other car.  My thoughts go out to his family.

18.  I was at my first ballgame in a while this past weekend.  Those rails ARE a little low.  You do what you have to do, Rangers.  Raise those things.  I am tall, but was sober.  And I was STILL looking down, hoping the batter didn't pull it.  I am glad a ball wasn't hit my way, because it tempts you.

19.  Nolan Ryan is out of the hospital.  I am glad to hear that.  Word is that he was telling the nurses about his 4th no-hitter when the nurses suddenly decided he could be cared for at home.  I will take care of you, Nolan, if you want to talk about the remaining 3.

20.  Hey, Ryan Reynolds.  Now this is a better role for you.  Change-up.  My confusion is this.  This would have been a great opportunity for Hollywood to bring back Travolta and Cage for this one.  Kind of an older, funny, less action version of Face-Off.

21.  When I read the baseball stats these days, I think of a stat that no one really talks about that I think is quickly going to be considered an unbreakable record (Joe, don't worry.  56 will always be #1 and Hack Wilson will always be #2 in my book).  With the way athletes and the game has changed, I personally am going to make this proclamation.  I see no way that Rickey Henderson is touched for stolen bases. EVER.  EVER people unless they change the rules.  Check this out.  We have better athletes in the sport now (evidently stronger arms at catcher also), and the active player with the most, Juan Pierre, has 542.  Let that settle in.  542.  Rickey Henderson has 1406.  Juan Pierre is 33 years old.  In case you are curious, Carl Crawford has a monstrous 417.

22.  I was watching Caddyshack the other night, a couple weeks after Top Gun, and realized that Kenny Loggins owned the soundtrack scene in the 80's.  Shut up.  I wasn't also thinking of Footloose.  My mind was actually on Over the Top initially, embarrassingly enough.

23.  Here come the Rangers, just in case you need all great pitching and didn't believe their run last year.  I am writing that, but I didn't believe their run, and I think you need great pitching.  Damn, that must be a fun team to play on.  Kind of like a more hitting, less pitching fun Oakland Athletics teams of the late nineties.

24.  Harry Potter, Part 2.  I have already cracked on the Part 2 concept as a final movie, as George Lucas already had that idea like 25 years ago, but just so you know Mr. Potter, you weren't even funny on Jon Stewart?  If that guy can't make you funny, no one can.  Hell, Colbert even made Henry Kissinger look like a part time comedian.  I evidently have something against the Potter movies even though I have never seen them.  I will bring this up and the fact that I dislike Phil Mickelson for no reason when I go see Marvin Lewis's therapist.

25.  I think I am sane because of my parents.  Not just for the "being a great parent" thing.  When all of my schoolmates were getting mopeds, new Gap clothes, Swatches, Members Only jackets, and Mongooses, my parents got me the best present I could ever ask for.  They got me a heavy bag for our garage/ shed.  Of course, it doesn't hurt that I grew up right outside Philly in the prime of Rocky's popularity, I LOVED that thing.  Anyway, I am still sane because a bad day is always remedied by 20 minutes on the bag.  If I am not angry, I swim.  Since my knees evidently weren't ever going to make me an NBA player (it was my KNEES dammit), I guess I will have to say the best exercises in my life are boxing and swimming.  If you don't do either, try one some time.  One allows you to not hit the guy who looks at you funny walking down the street, and the other let's you meditate in between flip turns.

26.  Yao retires.  Short take as I have already covered this one.  Rumor is that he heard that Steve Francis AND Iverson were making comebacks.  Poor guy.  He was actually thinking about coming back when he heard that McGrady had a no-trade clause.

27.  I never saw this one coming.  Rumor is that 75 players are suing the NFL over concussions.  Damn.  I want to be part of a class action suit.  Either that, or I wish I would have liked coffee and beat that damn McDonald's guy to the punch.

28.  As mad as I was for the Japan soccer team for beating our girls, it is a great story for them with all of their recent tragedies. Congrats, ladies.

29.  I gotta go.  The Wayne Brady episode of Dave Chappelle episode is on.  As one shepherd said to the other shepherd, let's get the flock out of here.  In case any of you newcomers don't get my closing lines, here you go.

[after rescuing Roger and Rianne] 
Martin Riggs: What did one shepherd say to the other shepherd? Let's get the flock out of here! 
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BTqgp6jKbqE


30.  What would you call Taint if she was an 80's wrestler?  Roddy Piper?  No.  Hook Hogan?  No.  How about Jimmy the Super Fly Hooka.  Peace.