Don't Top Gun that shit...

Read it, don't read it, I don't care...just needed to get some things off my chest.


In no particular order of chronology or importance...


I feel the need...the need for speed.


1)  Let's talk about Drew Brees.  Congratulations, man.  You break that 5084 yds record that Marino had. Averaged out per game and the record sounds even more tough.  Brees gave credit to everyone else and their mother before giving himself any.  He is always a class act, so that is not a surprise.  I hope Michael Vick never has that kind of season.  Speeches would be...different.  A couple of things.


-I won't get into the whole "different generation" topic.  All records in any sport are set in different generations all of the time-deal with it.  It is still impressive.


-I think it was awesome the ending that the eclipsing yardage happened on a touchdown throw.  Classic.


-After Katrina and the years of getting things back together in general, I was extremely glad to see him do it at home.  Great fan base, deserving fan base.


-Brees has averaged this season NINETY EIGHT more yards than the average NFL passer.  Wow.


-I am still bothered that it didn't come in game fluidity or fit nicely into the game situation.  They were up 22 points late, he was 30 yards short of the record, and they were still passing on every play.  I get it.  You want to get it out of the way.  However, don't tell me that the Saints just wanted him to do it in front of the home crowd-they play Carolina at home this week.  Don't tell me you were planning on sitting him next week-you are still fighting for seeding and HAVE to play him a little at least.  I am just saying.  I was happy for him, but wish it would have come in normal game flow.


-Anyone else notice that Drew Brees broke the 27 year old record, and Tom Brady is HOW far behind him in yardage?  190 yards.  The Saints are glad they need to play for seeding, because they would have had to play him anyway to fend off that guy.  Wouldn't that have sucked?  Break an old record on national TV and then be passed quietly in the final week and get immediately replaced in the books.


-Finally, in all of his classy speeches, I almost rolled off the couch during Brees's locker room monologue.  He was thanking everyone at every position, and said "even the equipment managers, who rubbed down those balls..."  Classic.


2)  Tom Cruise doesn't need money.  I think him and other aging actors who do sequel after sequel of one of their "badass" characters do it just to make them stay in shape.  "Famous" motivation.  Damon, ignore that take.  You can make all of the freaking Bourne movies you want.  When you die, I want you to say that Sean Connery was nothing but a speedbump.


3)  How exciting is this final week of the NFL season?  Four.  FOUR games where it simply involves this novel concept.  Win, and you are in...for both teams. 


4)  Notre Dame basketball doesn't even need to be ranked.  They destroyed a good Pitt team this week.  With a subpar squad, they have quietly won their last 28 straight games at home.  Smart kids who can ball, with loud fans at a friendly environment...dangerous.  Know this though, ND, you won't even sniff the NCAA tourney unless you bring that same fire on the road.


5)  Deep thoughts.  I got to watch Enus Kanter play the other night in an NBA game.  If you recall, he was the Kentucky player who was not allowed to play last year because he had played a little Turkish League ball.  Rules are rules, but can you imagine that squad last year with that kid patrolling the paint?  Hey, Kemba, you're welcome.  Bet you ate some extra turkey over the holidays.  Sorry.  I find those dry wit jokes very funny.


6)  Damn.  DAMN.  Sidney Crosby is still having concussion symptoms.  Hockey and hockey fans are missing your ridiculous skills, kid.  Get healthy.  That being said, every single game he sits makes that sick and wrong points record by The Great One that much safer.


7)  I am not saying they aren't good.  FAR from it.  They are really, really good.  This is not me being still mad about last year's painful Super Bowl.  Just saying this.  Fact.  Green Bay is allowing 4.7 yards per rush.  That is...a lot...for someone hoping to take it all.  Do you expect Aaron to throw 5 touchdowns every game...in the playoffs?


8)  A Rod is having his hurt shoulder and knee treated in Germany.  Dude, not saying you are cheating again, and not saying that European doctors aren't the shit.  Just saying that it is sh-a-dy.  It makes you look like you are getting away from the media who will follow your every move in the US to go behind closed doors and get "treated."  I wish you had gone to Russia.  Then I could make another Rocky IV joke, as you know I LOVE making Ivan Drago jokes.  One of my colleagues at work turned his hat backwards today as I was walking by.  I, of course, immediately made an Over the Top joke.  See?  I don't just write my little rant here with a bunch of 80's jokes, I live it.  Moving on.


9)  Tomlinson has said that the Dolphins game might be his last game.  Do it.  You still have been credible in between injuries this year.  I want to remember you as we should...the closest thing to Barry Sanders we have seen since that dude retired.  Know that it was still a large gap (if we were doing Mad Libs, we would say "huge"), and NO ONE will ever do what that dude did with the offensive line, or lack there of, that he had.  LT.  Retire in style, and with recent memories of your magic still fresh in my head.


10)  Interesting signing.  Michael Redd just signed a deal with the Suns.  I know teams lack money.  I know there is a new collective bargaining agreement.  I still think that is curious.  He still is in his relative prime.  The Suns don't have the skill level to have one player to "plug and play" and win.  I would have stayed wherever you were training, and waited it out a little more personally for a contender.


11)  Dream for a Princeton offense running basketball coach?  A 6'10" big guy LEADING your team in assists.  He is perfect for what Thompson runs.  They exposed Louisville last night.  The game was more definitive then the final score indicated.  Louisville went to the "comeback well" one time too often, and also realized that coming back against GTown is much different than coming back against College of Charleston.


12)  I have a new rule.  If you are giving a stat and saying that hasn't happened since "..."  My rule?  It has to be more than, ummm, 6 years.  The Celtics are 0-3 for the first time since 2006.  Ok.  I get it. I know what the point is.  But, we are talking about the Celtics, a perennial winning franchise.  I was expecting that to be since "1978" or something.


13)  I hate it when you are on a multi-lane one way road, a car makes a left handed turn, and they bare a little right before the turn.  Half the time, they almost scratch against the car going by them in THEIR correct lane.  You are not driving a boat, people, where the vehicle's ass might veer the way you are turning.  Drive your freaking car normally and efficiently.  Pisses me off.


14)  So, Russell Westbrook and Kevin Durant had a spat.  I think they are fine, and I think they still are legitimate contenders.  Don't overreact on this.  Westbrook passed to a shooting guard who amazingly doesn't like to shoot it.  Westbrook coincidentally was also 0-13 at the time I believe.  Westbrook yells at the guy for not shooting it, and then Durant regulates.  They will be fine, and this is just a growing spat.  Realize how old these guys are.  They are scary good, scary seasoned already, but still scary young.  They WILL coexist, and realize that the team would be good without one of them, but can be GREAT with both of them.


15)  Dave Chappelle is freaking awesome.  I saw again that old skit of him making a Real World episode with only one white guy.  I will tread lightly on this, but just promise me you will Google this with the information I have provided, and enjoy.


16)  Thank you, Carmelo.  I can now get some sleep.  I was losing sleep because I didn't know what your opinion of the nixed Lakers/ Paul trade.  You have now told us that you think it should have gone through.  Sweet.  I can get back to my normal life.  Shut up, and show me that you have some slight interest in playing defense to balance your ridiculous scoring skills and easily the best jab step in bball right now.  See?  Are we cool, Melo?  You thought I was going to totally insult you, but I complimented you twice to finish out this thought.  Moving on.


17)  I am sad that we are getting near the beginning of tennis season, and Rafael Nadal is still mentioning injuries.  This kid is in his prime, and can have a special season with Federer pulling a Boyz to Men (end of the road joke, people), Andy Murray not figuring out how to win the FINAL game of a Slam Title, and the up and coming true talent just.  not. quite.  ready.


18)  The NHL.  You have old school teams at the top...and at the bottom.  The Bruins, Rangers, Blackhawks, and Canucks are some of the better teams in the league.  Then, you have teams like the Islanders and Canadiens who SO glad that Columbus has a team in the league.


19)  I treat snacks like a bad marriage.  HOLD ON.  DON'T skip ahead before hearing me out.  I have a point.  Anyway, I am married to Cheez-Its.  I will eat them forever, and think they taste the best of all snacks.  When I want to cheat on my snack wife, though, I have a bag of Cheetos.  I feel dirty when I eat them, and they are incredible.  Leading me into the second point on this take.  I had a bag of "baked, flaming hot" Cheetos today for my cheating excursion.  They were good, but I knew that original Cheetos are better still.  I won't get long-winded on this as I have a lot to get to, but let's just say this.  I don't care how many crazy flavors you throw at me, I am sticking with original Cheetos, Gatorade, and Cheez Its. 


20)  I love Rick Pitino.  However, I must crack on him.  Kills me.  He has let the world know that he will stop coaching in 2017 when his contract expires at Louisville.  Thanks, man.  Between you and Carmelo, you could split the atom.  I have a fancy phone for work, but don't use too many, actually ANY, of the bells and whistles.  Does my calendar even go UP to 2017 so I can put a reminder in that you are quitting?  Geez.  Stop clogging my sport wire, people.


21)  Colt McCoy isn't blaming the Browns staff about the whole concussion thing.  In a related story, Matt Damon is not blaming Robin Williams either.  It's not your fault.


22)  I can't imagine that NFL kickers and badass linebackers have beers together.  But.  If there ever WAS a time for these two opposite type players should, it is this week.  Von Miller?  Meet David Treadwell...the last Denver rookie to ever get named to the Pro Bowl.  Congrats, Von.  You are truly (think of something elegant and witty to write-this is a public blog) a BADASS.


23)  You grab the flux capacitor.  I will grab the DeLorean.  Someone else get that crazy Doc.  The NY Rangers are in first place, and Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains, Soundgarden, and Stone Temple Pilots rule the airwaves.


24)  You know that we are accustomed to NFL players not giving a shit about the Pro Bowl when there are SECOND alternates.


25)  Before the Lakers played on Tuesday, they showed a shot of Kobe Bryant warming up shooting.  I was not looking at Kobe.  My eyes darted to the background, where Luke Walton was apparently showing Woody Harrelson's opening scene stretches in White Men Can't Jump.  Shit was hilarious.


26)  Juwan Howard is still in the NBA.  Juwan is still a serviceable replacement, a class act, and plays for a possible championship team.  He is the last of the Fab Five to be on the court.  Wow.  Loved that team.  They single-handedly allowed bball players to wear comfortable baggy shorts, just like the Rocky IV speech stopped the Cold War (I am VERY aware that was a repeat joke from last time, but it fit in this thought and I LIKE the joke-MY BLOG).  Anyway, I remembering watching the Fab Five in college and every time Juwan scored, my roommate, Jamie, would yell at the TV "JU Want some of THIS???"


27)  Of the Big Three on the Celtics, I think they miss the following in order of most to least when they are hurt:
Paul Pierce
Kevin Garnett
Ray Allen
They look so much different and really bogged down without Paul's slashing skills.


28)  Commercial I think they should continue until I die.  Foster's.  I just saw the old one the other day where there are two rugby teams on the screen, and one guy doesn't have a beer.  He looks at the other team, who just opened a cooler of beer.  He walks over and grabs one.  Then the loud Australian voice says "free agent."


29)  I PROMISE to not make ONE joke on this point (come on, I can do it).  Good luck with the waiver wire and the scheduling.  The QB who lost his job because of the other QB and then it...no....being well-behaved...anyway, that guy can keep the other guy out of the playoffs.  KC-Denver.  Awesome.


30)  Give me one of those mini step up ladders.  I will shoot from there.  As the NBA season gets going, I still have no idea how you can not average 75% from the free throw line.  Before you ask me to prove it, I have done it while walking from a bar over to the rec court across the street-made 16-20.  Bet won.  Practice your free throws, people.  Confused.


31)  Did you hear NC State's Tom O' Brien totally work Suzy Kolber in the post game interview the other night after their win against Louisville?  She asked how he will respond to losing the large amount of seniors he had.  He responded by saying "seniors?  We don't have many seniors at all and we will be just fine."  Ouch.


32)  Rip Van Winkle take.  How LONG have I been asleep?  Andray Blatche of the Washington Wizards tweeted his discontent for not being "used" right on offense.  Really?  Did I miss something?  Dude, just because you are on a VERY bad basketball team that MIGHT run a play or two through you doesn't mean we need to hear from you.  At all.  Get good, and then get back to me.


33)  I am 39 and from Jersey (insert joke here-crowd participation is important in my rants).  Therefore, there are two things that are mandatory that I like no matter how embarrassing it may be.  I love Bon Jovi, and I love Top Gun.  Pretty sure I have subconsciously been using this term for years, but I am pretty sure that I have just made Top Gun an action verb.  Try this one out at parties.  If you are talking to someone and they mix up dates, names, etc., say " Don't Top Gun that shit."  (It is funny because what they said was...wait for it...wait...INVERTED)


34)  With LeBron on a team with two other superstars, should we just give the NBA scoring title to Kevin Durant right now?  Dude can truly ball.


35)  Love the guy, but can't BELIEVE Kevin Garnett didn't get a suspension for him Ted Nugenting Bill Walker in the opening game.  That is funny because Ted Nugent has the classic song "Stranglehold."  Wow.  I am on a new verb rampage.


36)  I won't talk about his second game, because it wasn't good, but I continue to be excited about Ricky Rubio.  His first game line?  6 pts, 6 assists, 5 rebounds, no TO.  Solid.


37)  66 game NBA season with several backs to backs to backs.  Elias is going nuts.  There is no history on this one.  I am tired THINKING about them doing that.  We are unfortunately going to see some bad basketball in those third games.  Maybe 50 games would have been a large enough control group.  I know you need the TV money, but think about how much more important each game would be.  Just saying.


38)  Just like I believe Case Keenum has been playing college ball for 15 years, I just FELT like Braylon Edwards had played for like 8 teams.  Three.  And about to be four.  Way off.


39)  The rich get richer.  LSU not only snagged the 2nd rated QB for next year's high school class, but they also got the QB with the coolest name.  Talk about a kid who was either going to be a shooting guard for Gonzaga (random pull) or the QB for LSU...Gunner Kiel?  Badass.


40)  Steve Kerr holds up five "golden rings" in that absolutely STUPID NBA commercial where they sing the famous Christmas carol.  On a VERY related side note, Michael Jordan just got engaged.  No word on whether Kerr gets to hit that shit when Michael is at games.


41)  Wow.  Sorry.  That last take was brutal.  My bad.


42)  I get teased because I still WRITE CHECKS to pay my bills.  I am aware of technology.  I am.  Hell, my fancy phone probably would do it, but I still want to feel the pain of money being sucked out of my checking account.


43)  The Miami Heat, except for that dismal win against...the powerhouse Charlotte Bobcats..., look really good.  I watched both of their opening games.  Eric is letting them run.  He is releasing the hounds, if you will.  Sure, their turnovers are going to be off the charts, but you can take that when half your baskets are coming off dunks from beating the defense down the floor.  Norson Cole, ex-Cleveland State's FOUR year starter (indicating the guy is more seasoned for a rookie and mature), stole the show in the second game and even got MVP chants.  That is all good and all, but the PG spot wins you a lot of games.  Mario Chalmers had four TO's in a minute in that game.  They brought in Cole, and he went on a roll.  I still don't understand a) why they didn't bring in ANY of the seasoned past their prime PG's(Bibby, Davis, etc.) b) why they don't run the triangle offense since they have tall ball handlers c) how you can gamble that, if Cole is going to be your man eventually, that he will pull a "Rondo," and win it all as a rookie.  One last note on that second game.  Marv Alberts has been around for a while.  He has seen LOTS of shit.  How the hell are you going to ask your announcing buddies if Miami should pull its starters with them up 14 against a very good team with 4 minutes left in the THIRD quarter?  Were you drunk, Marv?


44)  Conspiracy theory.  Take it or leave it.  I have a deal with myself.  I have a full head of curly hair.  I have made a pact that if I have ONE barber ask if I want a "comb over," that I will shave my head IMMEDIATELY.  I have even tested the shaved look...twice.  Apparently, I have a "nice skull."  Anyway, I noticed on Entertainment Tonight (they had it on at my GYM while I was changing-you think I have ANYTHING else but sports, Seinfeld, or Family Guy on in my apartment at any time?) that Matthew McConnaughey shaved his head.  He also had curly hair.  Just saying.  I think he had the same exact pact, and a barber broke the news to him.


45)  Damn.  A.I. had one of his records broken.  Moe Harkless from St. John's scored 32 points in his Big East debut.  Nice, man.  Still mad, though.


46)  I don't watch the weather.  I am teased at work for wearing shorts and sandals in 10 degree weather.  I truly don't watch it.  Unfortunately, ESPN doesn't have Denver weather flash up on the screen while showing SportsCenter.  Anyway, I AM  excited about THIS weather.  I LOVE the NHL Winter Classic.  Forecast for this weekend with the Rangers and Flyers?  Snow.  I don't watch too many early season NHL games, but I DO watch this game played outside every year.  I would put this slightly above the whole aircraft carrier college basketball games as best NEW ideas in sports in the last few years.


47)  I live in Denver, where the fact that we have two major highways and finally have an almost fully functioning LightRail makes us a large city.  How the HELL do we not find room for the Indiana/ Michigan State basketball game last night on a major cable channel?  Seriously?  Indiana was undefeated and has arguably the best freshman in the land in Cody Zeller, and Michigan State hasn't lost since its 0-2 start against...UNC and Duke.  Come on.


48)  Brady is having shoulder problems.  Brady is not having shoulder problems.  I hate to make fantasy football references, but just so you know, when he was on my team a couple years ago, he was questionable EVERY freaking week, and Bill Belichick thinks he is a hockey coach (doesn't have to disclose exact injuries-it is funny.  trust me).


49)  OK.  We got a HUGE problem.  I have not made ONE Seinfeld reference or Sky is Blue take.  Not that there is anything wrong with that.  Awareness is always the first step.  I need a freaking intern for this blog/ work/ workout/ watch sports life I lead.  We will call my corporation Fillerica (accent the second syllable).  Let's round up a posse (if you are keeping track, that is 3 Seinfeld references in a row).  Between now and Monday and to save my Sky is Blue take, I want the following people to drive themselves to a strip club:  Metta World Peace, Sebastian Janikowski, Jennifer Capriati, Diego Maradona, Randy Moss, Terrell Owens, Marcus Vick, Lawrence Phillips, Chad Ochocinco, DeShawn Stephenson, and whoever else you can cram in the car.  Screw it.  Invite Gerald McCoy and Sam Hurd also.  Pick up Pete Rose on the way there.  I want Marcus to drive.  Do it.  Do it now.


50)  NFL Predictions:
-NO over Carolina:  Forget playoff seeding.  There is NO way Payton lets Brady sniff Brees new record.
-NE over Buff:  Come on.  Do I need to explain my reasoning on this one?
-Chicago over Minn:  I actually took the away team in a "who cares" game.  Wow.
-NYJ over Miami: Maybe Reggie Bush will talk shit to Rex Ryan after this game.  He is smaller than Jacobs.
-San Fran over St. Louis:  Everyone settle down.  Alex Smith should NOT be in MVP talks, Pro Bowl talks, etc.,  but St. Louis is just bad.
-Detroit over GB: RELAX.  Just because Rodgers MIGHT play a quarter.
-Philly over Wash:  Do NOT take the underDOGS in this one, people. He He He.
-Jax over Indy:  There IS a rushing title to be decided still.  Drew runs all over them.
-Tennessee over Houston:  I have NEVER seen such a good team with such a bad QB as the Texans.
-Seattle over Arizona:  They are hot, people.  Too little too late, but still hot.
-Atlanta over TB: Fighting for the playoffs playing the biggest letdown in the NFL this year.
-Cincy over Baltimore:  They are home.  I SWEAR it has NOTHING to do with the fact that I need Baltimore to lose. Swear.
-Pitt over Cleveland:  I haven't picked Pittsburgh to lose SINCE...I was born...probably why I shouldn't gamble, aye?
-Oakland over SD:  The miracle of December football in SD is over.  Palmer will throw for 1000 yards in this game...with 15 interceptions.
-Giants over Dallas: with an immediate call to Jeff Fisher after the game by "unknown caller/ Jerry Jones."


51)  That's it.  I am tired.  I was going to try and stop this at take 50, but went over.  I guess then this is the Van Halen closing (5150).  I hope you found that this rant was "Good Enough..."


51a)  Holy shit.  Just done my rant, but check out the end of the Dallas/ OKC game.  Wow.  Kevin Durant is simply...good.


51b)  I just saw a commercial that said Moneyball was nominated for Best Picture.  Yay.

Well, let's give them something to drink! To the cliffs!

Read it, don't read it, I don't care...just needed to get some things off my chest.


In no particular order of chronology or importance...


OK.  Reaching here for my theme.  But after the amount of takes that are below, I am tired.  Chose "300" because the NBA season just started, and take 30 teams times 10 plus players on each, and you get 300 plus...a few.


"It's an honor to die by your side."
"It's an honor to have lived by yours."


1) Bengals WR Jerome Simpson pulled easily the play of the year in the NFL.  No coach would ever tell him he should have done that.  No coach would believe that he could actually even pull it off.  It was kind of like a bad shot in basketball, except for it goes in.  He stuck the landing AND scored a TD by jumping over the defender.  Absolutely amazing.  Nicely done, man.  Do a few more of those next week and allow my Steelers to get the #2 seed.


2)  A fan wrote into the Mike and Mike show and put down his Colts for...winning.  Really?  Luck is good.  We know that.  True, also, that I don't know what it feels like for my team to be in contention for the #1 draft pick.  The Steelers are usually good.  That being said, I can't imagine one scenario where I would be rooting against my team in a football game.


3)  I had to go to a bar to watch the games on Saturday, as the Broncos are evidently the only team allowed to be in their time slot.  I got two things out of the experience.  How come every Raiders fan...just looks like a Raiders fan?  Also, I had the privilege of seeing a guy wearing a wife beater/ tank top looking shirt that said "I'm a Virgin."  Dude.  Come on.  Just because I don't have great fashion sense doesn't mean I don't recognize the line between funny and stupid.


4)  I forgot to mention this last rant.  My apologies.  I had made fun of Barry Bonds getting ONLY 30 days of house arrest and 2 years probation.  Now, I find out he is APPEALING the charges.  I didn't realize that when your head was getting larger at such a fast rate because of 'roids that you were amazingly LOSING brain cells.


5)  One movie I will see, and one I won't.  Contraband looks like a newer version of The Town at first glance.    Haywire looks like the newer version of Salt/ the female version of Bourne at first glance.  We are just simply running out of ideas.


6)  Curious about UVA's Tony Bennett's coaching prowess?  He just lost James Johnson, the FOURTH basketball player from his first recruiting class.  Ironically, they are ranked for the first time in a long time.  I would like to keep players moving forward, but however you are doing it, keep it up.  Your defense is immaculate, bro, and the way bball needs to be played.


7)  Talk about things that make me feel like I wasn't very motivated when I was a kid.  Jordan Romero just became the youngest person to climb the highest peak on all seven continents at age 15.  Little did I know that the previous record was merely age 16 by George Atkinson.  Seriously.  Don't like having house parties and going to the movies?  Wow.


8)  Cam Newton just broke Peyton Manning's record for most passing yards by a rookie.  I heard some idiot on TV mention that it could be the best season EVER by a rookie.  Umm.  Are they kind of spacing out on Dickerson's 1800 plus rookie campaign?  Fine.  Get caught up in great event's moments.  Just don't freaking forget about past greats when you open your mouth.  Quite bothersome.


9)  The good week continued for USC football.  Barkley stays, TJ McDonald, their stud safety, then announces HIS unfinished business.  Then, they pull the 2nd ranked JUCO recruit in the land.  Watch out, people.  Being off their 2 year ban and having a lot of talent who has dealt with that ban, they are going to be pretty pissed off next year.


10)  I really like the Volkswagen test drive commercials.  I find the Vegas one and the family one in the garage one both equally funny.


11)  If they haven't figured out how to implement MLB penalties for actions outside of an actual MLB game, they will very soon.  Check out the slap/ shove by Torrealba at the umpire in the Venezuela League.  He is now banned from the rest of this season AND next season.  It was horrible, a total loss of cool by a VETERAN no less, and he should get a very stern talking to by Mr. Selig when he comes back for the MLB season.


12)  Some coaches jump to early to dream jobs, and some I can't figure out for the life of me why they are staying.  Chris Peterson is not interested in the Penn State job.  Sure, that is not just a dream job, but following a university icon who people sing happy birthday on his lawn even while having legal problems.  I get it.  I have never been to Boise.  Is it nice?  Is there something there I don't know about that is keeping him there?  Do I need to go visit?  Something's missing in this story.


13)  Well, I have been saying that I won't fully be on my own Baylor basketball bandwagon until I see some talent at the point guard position.  We are about to find out, right before conference season starts.  Gary Franklin, their transfer from Cal, is now eligible.  Nice win AT BYU, a very tough place to play, and now keep it going.  Your half court sets have looked fine without Franklin, but they will need him for a long run.  With the talent on that roster, it SHOULD be a long run.


14)  Has anyone else noticed that Pitt football, which by the way has NINE national championships (I know.  Just one in 70 years, but whatever), has had 6 coaches in 13 months?  With Penn State in turmoil, you have to have some stability at that position NOW.  You need to capitalize.


15)  I commented on Todd Mayo a couple weeks ago here.  He is the brother of super-recruit OJ Mayo who was not even a top 100 recruit.  He plays for Marquette and he is hitting his stride even more than when I was writing about him a couple weeks ago.  Kid can ball.


16)  The Cuse are #1 for the third week in a row.  Sure, as someone reminded me this past week, they literally JUST played their first true road game.  Sure, the level of competition has been subpar.  I think they look good.  I don't think they should be checking out French Quarter hot spots just yet, but they are legit.


17)  Harvard is ranked again in basketball.  Teams at the bottom of the rankings fell off and allowed them to sneak in again, but I am a believer.  Between 20-25 sounds just about right to me from here out.


18)  Adrian Peterson blew out his ACL this weekend.  They are expecting about 10 months of rehab.  I feel your pain, except that I wasn't a star NFL running back when I busted up mine.  Slight difference.  Anyway.  Dude.  I would check out Wes Welker as your idol now as he made it back in 7 months, and try not to talk to Edgerrin James, as he made it back as a shadow of himself.  Good luck.  It is not a fun ride.


19)  I am glad the Saints are still fighting hard for seeding and are playing Atlanta in a very meaningful game.  Of course, I am happy for Brees for having a shot at Marino's record, but it is much better and legit that they aren't in a situation where they could possibly bench starters.  Scary he might do it by the end of this rant WITH another freaking game left.


20)  There are times to defer the kickoff and there are times to not.  Ditka did it here and there back in '85 just because he had that defense.  I understand.  Here is the thing.  If I am a bad Chicago team playing a pissed off, great team like the Packers AT their crib, I am grabbing that ball first if the coin toss goes my way.  Confused.  By the way, the Pack went right down and scored on that first drive.


21)  In case I have NEVER mentioned it before, I hate Cris Collingsworth announcing games.  I haven't figured out whether it is his voice, or some of the idiotic things that come out of his mouth.  I just know it is not fun for me.


22)  I like Bob Huggins.  How should I put this?  Umm.  Let's just say that some of those old Cincy teams he had I would feel comfortable in an alley fight with.  Well, I guess he is bringing some of the same quality kids into WVA now.  Aaric Murray, a forward on the team, just got possession charges against him.  Come on, kid.  You are a player on a top flight program with scouts watching.  You have a chance for the next level.  Stay off the dope.


23)  I have noticed that since I have stopped addressing that QB by his proper name and don't have long frustrated takes, that he has dropped two straight, one they deserved and one they should have won.  So, on that note, I am going to smile and move on...he he he.  I will just quote Tommy Lee Jones in Under Siege.  "Yes. Of Course!  Hence the name:  movement.  It moves a certain distance, and then it stops.  You see?"  (Also, I think it is CLASSIC that Orton gets a clean shot at denying him the playoffs)


24)  Unlike the Torrealba incident, I kind of was hoping for a little more out of that Brandon Jacobs/ Rex Ryan exchange.  Rex Ryan deserves something from SOMEONE.


25)  I admit my mistakes.  One of my favorite movies I quoted in the last rant, and I misquoted it.  Embarrassing.  In the speech from the sports movie that single handedly stopped the Cold War (seriously), Rocky says "everybody can change,"  not "everyone can change."  My bad.


26)  They took a survey of NFL players, and with all of these concussion rules, the majority said they would do their best to hide their symptoms if being tested.  That is great and very noble, but it kind of reminds me of that football commercial a few years ago.  Something tells me that if you think your name is "Batman," that it will be pretty tough to disguise that.  Just saying.


27)  Wow. Teams are quicker to offer extensions to coaches sometimes than I would be in bed with Halle Berry.  I know Ron Wilson of the Maple Leafs is one of the best active coaches out there.  I get it.  However, they just threw a 3 year contract mid-season when the team hasn't made the playoffs in the last 3 years.  Great franchise, great history, and I just think you could have held that carrot out there a little longer.


28)  It is not like Cincinnati hasn't come close to a Super Bowl championship.  They have had great years in their history.  How the hell isn't anyone showing up for their games as fans?  They have a showdown with Baltimore to try and clinch a playoff berth and they are "begging" fans to show up.  The Florida Marlins I get.  They are an expansion franchise.  The Bengals have been around for a while-they came into the league the year after the first Super Bowl.  Fans.  Show up.  I am not supposed to like Cincy because I am a Pittsburgh fan, but the only reason I can think to not like you is because you can't fill your own stadium.


29)  If I am rooting for anyone on the NFC side now, it is the Lions.  I never saw that demolition over the Chargers coming.  Not at all.  Sure, I made the joke about the Chargers in December, but you guys smoked them.  Not saying you are going to do it with some really good football teams on your side in Green Bay, New Orleans, Atlanta, San Fran, etc., but I will be rooting for you if you care.


30)  Hey, Xavier basketball.  I toot your horn, and then you get in a fight on the basketball floor and then drop 3 straight games?  You are good.  Just play.  Growing pains against teams you should be beating.  You are not exactly playing a Michigan State schedule.


31)  I hear the Rays are "interested" in Jorge Posada.  It just feels like teams are still going to be "interested" in him 10 years from now also.  The guy either has a DeLorean, or is aging like Case Keenum.


32)  Bruce Pearl built a basketball program at a football school, no matter what things we know he did wrong.  He changed the culture like Billy Donovan did at Florida.  Pearl is out.  Then, a mass exodus of recruits occurs.  Cuonzo Martin steps in.  Just to let you know, he just pulled the #15 recruit in the nation and a 5 star prospect, Jarnell Stokes.  You have a way to go, but can't find fault in that start.


33)  Fact that I am not proud of.  The Steelers are -11 or thereabout in turnover margin for the year.  They are the only team in the bottom five with a winning record.


34)  I have noticed that when Charlie Batch plays that Hines Ward gets a LOT more looks.  As conservative as they play with Batch, I don't think that is a good thing.  Safety blankets are good I suppose,  and so is playing conservative with a backup, but is it so hard to see Brown's, Sanders', and Wallace's speed with a headset on the sideline?  One more Steeler note (I try not to blog TOO much about them, but it is one of the games I watch start to finish-cut me a break).  Stat I would NEVER had guessed with all of the great players who have played for them, and more proof that more often than not, it is more about TEAM as opposed to stars.  Who has the most amount of yards from scrimmage than anyone else in Steelers' history?  Antonio Brown.  This year.


35)  I am slightly confused.  I know Lexus has been doing this bow on a car for Christmas present shit for years.  That being said, they had these new commercials this year where the person HEARS the theme song and knows they are getting a car.  I am not busting on your status, Lexus.  I am just saying your song being a "household" song is like saying that everyone knows who Anthony Davis is.  Certain circles, and not there yet.


36)  I continue to put Cholula on everything.  It continues to work.


37)  Justin Bieber must read my blogs.  I broadcast how cool I think he is for attending all of these professional teams' practices and he comes out with a song with Busta Rhymes.  Keep it up, bro, although don't worry about burning me any cd's or giving me concert tix.  Your songs make me think that Hanson just split up into a bunch of solo acts.  Like the poor man's version of New Edition.  Holy shit.  That was kind of funny if you are in my age bracket at least.


38)  The Wagner basketball team took down Pitt.  It was their first win over a ranked opponent since 1978.  I have no comment, except that that is a long time.  Congrats, guys.


39)  Did you want Cabbage Patch kids back in the eighties or Air Jordans of the 2012's for Christmas?  Wow.  Dude has been retired for a WHILE, and still invokes a riot subconsciously.  I will stick with my $14.95 Starbury's.  Hey, Kobe.  I bet you can't pull THAT shit years after your retirement.  Take THAT and remind it back.


40)  How did I do in my NFL predictions?
Cincy over Arizona:  WIN
Tenn over Jax: WIN
Oakland over KC: WIN
NE over Miami: WIN
NYG over NYJ: WIN
Pitt over St. Louis: WIN
Wash over Minn:  I did disclaimer it by saying, "Who cares?"
Carolina over Tampa: WIN
Baltimore over Cleveland: WIN
SD over Detroit:  Good stuff, Lions.
Philly over Dallas: WIN
Denver over Buffalo: I FINALLY pick them and they get smoked.
Seattle over San Fran: Hey.  You have to try some upsets, and it only was two points for Pete's sake.
GB over Chicago: WIN
Atlanta over NO: Well, it is 14-10.  Not a bad call so far.


10-4, with one in progress.  Whatever.  Not bad.


35)  Yay.  The NBA is back.  My random thoughts from the first day:
-Knicks beat the Celtics.  21 pts is not bad, but I still think Amare should get more touches.


-Heat over Mavs:  They are benefiting from less media coverage and an obvious invigorated focus.  Right after the Mavs raise the banner.  Ouch.  That final score was nothing like how the game went, people. It was a massacre.


-Bulls over the Lakers:  It will take a while for Hamilton to integrate.  It might take his headgear longer, but they will be fine.  MVP what?  Nice last shot, Rose.


-Thunder over Magic:  They guys are really good, people.  And that Howard trade is the matter of when and who, not if.


-Clippers over Warriors:  These guys are also really good, people.  And my new favorite player anchors them.  They are a Kia...who just got a Hemi.


-Kobe's wrist will be fine.  After watching the game, I believe that.  He has no supporting cast like years before, and will definitely miss Shannon Brown and Odom, but his wrist is ok.


-Stern gets booed by the Mavs fans.  Wow.  What are you so angry about down there?  You non-athletic squad stole a championship.  Feel good and open doors for people on your walk to work.  Even AFTER Christmas.


-The Celtics lose Jeff Green to heart surgery.  They turn around and immediately pick up Mickael Pietrus.  Great pickup.  Similar player, seasoned, and I still think he is playing under his potential still.


-Watching Charles Barkley in Weight Watcher commercials is funny. Your nickname is the "Round Mound of Rebound."  I don't care if it is healthy or not.  I think you should not be allowed to lose weight.


-Another season goes by, and I still watch a telecast where two different people pronounce Dirk's last name in two different ways.  Maybe figuring out how to pronounce his last name was Costanza's project where he got the directions standing outside the bathroom.  It's all DOWNTOWN, George.


-I like the refs not calling the shooting motion fouls where the players hear the whistle and then then shoot it.  Chauncey Billups and Kevin Durant were feasting on it, and now we have to stop the "movement."


-Kendrick Perkins still needs to stay out of foul trouble for the Thunder to take it all, but dude obviously worked hard in offseason.  You are 31 lbs lighter, and are truly streamlined, along with still looking like a total badass.  I would have thought you played at Cincy under Huggins if I didn't know you came right out of HS.


-There is a Sprint commercial with all of the big name NBA players continuously passing to each other.  I am fine with the commercial, except that the first player named is DJ Augustin.  What?


-Richard Hamilton is still wearing a headband.  I found out it is against team rules.  He has gotten an exemption.  Evidently the story he made up about it holding on his headgear better...worked.  I personally want to stick with my story, whether it is true or not, that you wear it because you got good for the next ten games.  Don't give me a fragile nose story.  Kind of like I continue telling everyone that John McEnroe once said "if you are going to miss, miss big.  Don't paint the line.  Hit it in the stands."  I am older now.  I don't think he said it.


-Everyone take it easy watching the first few weeks of the season.  It WILL be sloppy.  It is to be expected.  Basketball is a "groove" and "chemistry" game.  Let them get both.  Shortened offseason.  Cut them some slack.


-Garnett goes "Suh" after missing the last shot against the Knicks.  I know you are frustrated that you Big Three only have one title, but take it easy.  First game?  Stay classy and just LOOK mean as shit.


-Dwayne Wade is a freaking shooting guard.  He was ranked 24th last year in BLOCKED SHOTS.  Dude can freaking ball.  And nice block on Dirk, bro, Sunday.  Dirk is 7'0" by the way.


-Derrick Rose got benched at the end of the first quarter.  I wish he spoke better in interviews, but guy is a freaking class act.  He goes 4-4 in 2nd quarter, doesn't even mention it at halftime, and carried himself perfectly.  I like Tim laying down the law for anyone-star player or not, and I like the star player not throwing a fit.


-We might not like Kobe, but it must be weird in those timeouts these days.  Because Mike Brown looks NOTHING like the Zen-Master, and doesn't really have any jewelry either.  I am waiting for Kobe to break NBA rules and wear all of his rings DURING the game.


-It could be the Bobcats against the Wizards.  When Hubie Brown is announcing a game, I am in heaven.  He did the Bulls/ Lakers game.  The guy just simply...knows.  his.  shit.


-On that note, it was still funny to listen to him adjust to Metta World Peace's name.  He kept saying "Ron.  I mean Metta."  On a side note, when he entered the game, I almost rolled off the couch when they said "Merry Christmas.  We bring you World Peace."  That is funny.


-Speaking of Hubie Brown...How the HELL do we allow Van Gundy to get on a plane and announce his second game, when we only get one by Hubie Brown?  I like Van Gundy for what he is.  However, I think that Marc Jackson going to coaching has made Van Gundy lose his luster with me.  I think their arguing made the broadcast previously.


-Is it every 2nd year that we say these words?  "If Vince Carter plays like a shadow of himself, they could really be good."  Good luck, Mavs.


-On that note, nice first game Lamar.  You get kicked out?  Don't we know you as the classy player?  Were you trying to get to the locker room so you could catch the tip of the Lakers game?


-I missed Invesco Field switching to Sport Authority Field, and I missed this.  DeShawn Stephenson went to the Nets.  Dude, I am FROM Jersey.  I am so excited for you.  You did enough dumb things off the court in Dallas.  Jersey will be the ultimate for you.  You will have SO many ways to get in trouble.  Make me proud.  Go get a 40 of St. Ides, go to a strip club, and call your ex-girlfriend...or just drive home.  Whatever.  It ALL works.


36)  I feel like Brees might have Marino's record right after halftime.  Geez.  


37)  I just saw a commercial for the Kennedy Center Honors.  I laughed out loud, because cellist Yo-Yo Ma is going to be performing.  If you don't know why that is funny for me, then you need to either watch more Seinfeld or I might need to watch less.


38)  Thanks, Raheem Morris.  We appreciate the Bucs coach in telling us that he "would never fire himself."  You have a point.  You WERE a coach of the year candidate last year.  But 9 straight losses?


39)  Yes.  I DID notice there were no sky is blue, grass is green takes in this rant.  It is stream of consciousness.  I just FEEL them coming on.  I promise we will have a good one next time.  Now some athlete go out and do something stupid, dammit.  DeShawn?


40)  Patrick Warburton.  You can do all of the cartoon voices, Honda commercials, bee movies, etc. you want.  You are always Putty to me.  Actually, NO ONE from Seinfeld EVER try to have a second career.  You made a lot of money.  Everyone.  Just chill.  Retire.


40a)  OK.  The Falcons are now getting smoked.  10-5.  Whatever.


41)  That's it.  As the future QB from the Broncos would say, NOW I'm done.  Peace, all.  May the force be with you.

Now I have a machine gun. Ho. Ho. Ho.

Read it, don't read it, I don't care...just needed to get some things off my chest.


In no particular order of chronology or importance...


1)  What is the cliche about the sleeping dog?  Something about not waking him up?  Hey, Victor Cruz, be quiet.  You are having a breakout season.  Fantasy owners scrambled to get you on their team this year.  You are a true talent.  Let your play do the shit-talking.  Sure, Revis, is getting thrown towards a lot more this year.  The guy is still damn good.  Even Revis replied by saying his response would be on the field.  Victor, you should worry about getting in the playoffs at all.  Save it, bro.


2)  If I come across distracted in the first few takes, I am starting this while Seinfeld is on.  You might think that seeing every single episode over 100 times each would allow me to not pay attention.  You would be wrong.  I am quite sure I enjoy every episode like it is the first time...to this day.


3)  I hope Skip Bayless doesn't read this rant (pretty sure I am quite safe, but you never know).  I think the guy is an idiot.  I only heard 5 minutes of him today, but it was enough to make me throw up.  He said if he was the NFL team having the first pick that he would take Robert Griffin.  Over Andrew Luck.  Come on.  RGIII can play, but Luck is one of the best prospects we have seen in years.  Damn.  He said something else that made me laugh, but I forget what it was.  Selective hearing, I suppose.  If he and Woody Paige were on an hour show debating sports topics, I would watch it, but I would only do so because of my CSI: Miami theory.  It would be so bad in quality, it would be funny.  Kind of like why I used to like to listen to Bill Walton announce NBA games.  What happened to him, anyway?  Why is he not doing games?


4)  What is up with all of this sexual abuse crap?  Penn State.  Syracuse.  Now Bill Conlin the sportswriter.  Please.  No more for a while.  I am so over this shit.


5)  I usually get mad when the best team's coach gets "coach of the year."  It happens a lot, and I get the concept that it is just as tough to keep a team unbeaten as it is to revive a program.  That being said, I am ok with Les Miles from LSU getting AP Coach of the Year.  The whole Jefferson deal is why I agree with this selection.  Losing a senior QB when you designed your entire season assuming he would be your man, and then going undefeated?  Good stuff, Les.  I get the feeling that I really don't like your personality, and I question a LOT of your gambles/ dumb decisions.  However, it works, man.  Keep it up.  


6)  There.  I complimented LSU.  I feel better about doing that, because they are going to get worked in the BCS Championship by Bama.


7)  Big Ben will not be playing against the Rams.  Good call.  The Steelers have a seasoned backup, they already had their chance to control their own destiny, and they need him healthy for the playoffs, when we end this QB from Denver crap...which is the way it is lining up.  Can't wait.


8)  Here they come.  Here come more lawsuits.  Dorsey Levens and Jamaal Lewis are the latest ex-players to want to cash in on this whole concussion thing.  You might want to set up lines like they do at amusement parks.  


9)  My prediction last rant was the Bulls will take it all this year in the NBA.  I admit my oversights, and I forgot they had picked up Richard Hamilton also (sorry for the oversight.  I DO work like 60 hours a week).  I feel even better about the call, assuming he can even play a shadow of what he once was.  By the way, my prediction is about 75% pure logic, and 25% me thinking it would be funny if LeBron and friends failed again.


10)  Weird.  In the same week, the UCONN Huskies AND Tennessee Volunteers women's basketball teams lost.  Times are changing, because if that happened about 10 years ago, people would have thought the end of the world was near.


11)  Something I didn't know.  Andre Drummond, the UCONN basketball player who will be a household name by the end of the year, is not receiving any financial aid for his education at UCONN.  It was really cool about the Kyle Kuric thing, but that kid will be JUST drafted.  Drummond is going to be an easy lottery pick.  Good stuff, kid.


12)  You might have heard my leadership theory that some guys...are just simply made to be a coordinator as opposed to a head coach.  Well, with Chow going to Hawaii and Weis going to Kansas, I guess they are planning on testing that theory.  Those two are recruiting maestros and offensive geniuses, but I don't think they are cut out to be head coaches.  I will not bust on Chow too much, as this is his first shot.  Weis was already at the pinnacle of college football.  He already had a chance.  All we need now is Josh McDaniel to get a new gig, but I think that since St. Louis is not exactly sniffing the playoffs, I think we are safe on that front.


13)  One interesting other tidbit about the Weis hiring.  He literally JUST got hired, and already is set at QB for the next 2-3 years.  You remember Dayne Crist?  Ex-top HS QB who went to Notre Dame?  Yup.  He is heading over to the Kansas party, and has immediate eligibility because he has already graduated college.  After he finishes his last year, Weis already has ex-BYU QB Jake Heaps to take over the reins.  Heaps has to sit a year, which works perfectly for Weis.  Nice dual pickup, Charlie.


14)  If we were playing Family Feud, and the topic of Pacquiao/ Mayweather came up, I think that survey would have said what actually happened as the #2 answer.  They were hoping to fight next spring.  Mayweather just got sentenced 90 days in jail.  You do the math.  He will get out the beginning of April.  He would need a while to train.  Not going to happen.  The delay would give more chance for total cancellation.  Sucks.  I haven't ordered a fight in a while, but would pay up in a heartbeat for that one.  I SO want that sport to not be a joke anymore.  It is beautiful to watch if you are watching the right guys fight.


15)  The Cardinals are building a team where it won't matter which arm the pitcher uses to throw the ball.  They picked up Carlos Beltran for 2 years.  VERY nice addition after losing Pujols.  And.  Another switch hitter.


16)  The Nets just picked up Mehmet Okur.  They won't be any good this year, but I think that Deron Williams is sleeping a little better knowing that a) they are actually serious about getting better b) they might actually be good sometime during his prime c) Brooklyn will be a little more fun.  If they figure out a way to snag Dwight Howard, they will be like John McClane in Diehard.  Now I have a machine gun.  Ho. Ho. Ho.


17)  Folks, we have a Terry Bowden sighting.  Love that guy, and we need all the Bowden's in the ranks with Dad gone.  He will be taking over at Akron.  Akron folk are excited.  They should hope for a mediocre team, because I can't see that as his last stop, people.  


18)  The sky is blue, the grass is green, and Calipari HAS to be cheating somehow...or is the Jedi Knight of recruiting.  These are not the droids you are looking for, and you really want to go to Kentucky.  In case any of you Wildcat fans are worried about losing Terence Jones, Marcus Teague, Anthony Davis, and others to the NBA, don't.  Word is that the #1 2012 recruit (in like EVERY freaking ranking) Shabazz Muhammad is "leaning" towards UK as his school.  Great.  The rich get richer.


19)  If this Jim Mora thing doesn't work at UCLA, maybe they should consider another way to go.  I know you are a big school that needs somewhat a big name.  However, Rick Neuheisel?  Jim Mora?  Why not find one of those up and comers from a smaller school?  Ha.  I just thought of something I did by accident.  Small school coach...big name need.  That would be funny if Terry Bowden got the next turn on that ride.


20)  Here is an assistant I think CAN be a head coach again.  Romeo Crennel.  He beats the Pack, and then players are asking for him to be their permanent coach.  I just look at him and see people listening to him.  I think he has it-that magical mix of X's and O's and the personality to make someone run through a wall for you.  God, your family, and the Green Bay Packers.  I am not explaining that joke.  Look it up.  And watch the speech.


21)  Interesting question.  What are you more excited for?  Christmas Eve day Saturday football or Christmas NBA games?  Well, given that I am in town with no family around, I guess I will just have to watch 10 hours of each both days and get back to you with my answer.  With Ben not starting and the Steelers blowing last week, I am leaning towards the Christmas basketball.


22)  I am a closet Louisville basketball fan.  And I love Pitino.  They are good.  They are deep.  However, usually when you get a scare from a team like the College of Charleston, you would then go out and destroy a team like Western Kentucky.  Eight minutes left, and Louisville is down 3.  Come on, guys.  Lock and load.


23)  I have been saying that the Nationals are a team to watch.  However, they have been pretty quiet this offseason.  However, they just snagged Gio Gonzalez from the A's/team that develops stud pitchers and then gives them away.  Nice pickup.  Not, glamorous, but still nice.


24)  Flyers coach pushes player Steve Ott going into the locker room.  When in Rome, I guess.  Being in Philly...just makes you Phillyish.  Even if you are Canadian.  You looking at me?  Adrian!  If I can change...and you can change...then EVERYONE can change!


25)  The sky blue, the grass is green, and I have been just WAITING for this.  Monta Ellis.  He has done nothing really wrong up to this point, but I have allocated scouts for YEARS to watch him as a possibility for my "special team."  Lots of resources.  He now is on the radar.  He got busted for sending pics of his genitals to earn him a sexual harassment accusation.  Go beat up someone at a bar, get busted with guns and drugs, and we will talk, bro.  Now that Sam Hurd didn't work out, and Gerald McCoy is still one conviction short, I have room.


26)  I am impressed that Boise State came out as strong as it did in whatever bowl they played Arizona State.  The melancholy from not being in the BCS could have been a scapegoat.  However, they came out and blitzed ASU.  Kellen, I wouldn't pick you early in the draft, but if I had a chance at getting you in later rounds, I would definitely take you.  SHIT.  THAT is the other thing I couldn't remember by Skip Bayless.  He said Kellen should go in the first round.  Freaking idiot.  Kellen is good, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.  How are you on TV, Skip?


27)  Anquan Boldin is out two games.  Flacco is having a bad enough season trying to become the next Trent Dilfer that I wonder if he will notice his absence.


28)  WARNING.  WARNING.  I am about to make a brief Justin Bieber take.  What has the world come to?  Anyway, I have decided this.  I don't care if he is a teen sensation.  I don't care if he has really stupid songs.  I like him.  I am on his side.  Check out THIS resume in things I care about.  He has played well in the NBA All-Star activities, played soccer with team Barcelona, and now has practiced with the Toronto Maple Leafs.  Maybe he is trying to come across more manly, or maybe he just likes sports.  I am going with the latter and running with it.


29)  The Flyers Giroux is back, and has started strong.  Hope he stays back.  Hope that concussion doesn't make him miss any other games.  I don't like making Marley and Me references in my sarcastic sports rant (see last rant for that reference-I am not explaining it.  I want REGULAR readers).  Plus, that slow death movie reminds me of Taint, my ho ex.  Insult to injury.


30)  I don't care if there are other reasons we don't know about.  I don't care if it is for the wrong reasons.  I freaking LOVE it.  Too often kids enter a draft too early.  Now, Matt Barkley has announced he is coming back to USC.  Awesome.  This is happening one year after Luck blew us away by coming back.  Kiper had Barkley at #6.  Barkley has played TWO years on a bowl ban.  He says there is unfinished business.  Do it up, bro.  No matter how much I think that Lane Kiffin is a dumbass, I will now be cheering for you for the Heisman and a legit bowl.


31)  Whoever that chick is in the new Giorgio Armani commercial on that deserted island, I want to marry her.  Right now.  And if the makeup team didn't do anything crazy to make her eyes look like that, then my list needs some rearranging.  If you could let me know if those are your natural eyes, I will be happy to bump Halle Berry with "hot chick from Armani island commercial."


32)  Wisconsin's OC Chryst takes over at Pitt.  His first order of business, word is, is running his offense with 5 guys who do NOT weigh over 320 pounds each (don't google it.  I can't guarantee they all weigh over 300 lbs.  I am just saying that Wisconsin lineman are really big.  It is a stream of consciousness.  I don't look shit up.).


33)  UVA basketball.  We are now ranked.  Joe Harris is one of the better sophomores in the nation not on UNC or UK.  Mike Scott was injured last year, but will be All-ACC this year.  I love their squad.  That being said and not wanting to be a homer or beat a dead horse, I WILL say that I never saw the Seattle game coming.  UVA hadn't allowed a team to score 60 all season.  The team that finally did it?  Seattle.  Weird.  Thought they would at least make it to conference play with that stat.  Elgin Baylor does NOT play there anymore, UVA.


34)  Well, Rick Pitino reads my blog at commercial breaks evidently.  Since I cracked on Louisville playing like shit against Western Kentucky, they have run them out of the gym.  


35)  Fact.  Texas is tied for second in the nation for most amount of NBA first rounders with 8 since 2004.  Fact.  Texas has not come close to a national championship (and blown one of my bracket pools a couple years ago-Daniel Gibson?  Aldridge?  Wow.).  Fact.  The others have won one or multiple.  Hey, Rick.  You got the talent, bro.  You even have more staying for more years then some of the other powerhouses on that list.  What gives? I thought of this take after UNC smoked UT.  Wasn't it just a year ago when UT gave them a game?


36)  Marshall rolls late in the Beef-O-Brady's Bowl.  I have no comment on this.  I just wanted to write "Beef-O-Brady's" in relation to a sports take.


37)  I won't crack on the AFC West this time and the fact that no one seems to want it.  I will go another route.  Does anyone else think it is weird that the Eagles are 6-8 and still very much in the playoff hunt?  Seriously though, if I am the Packers or Saints, I am firmly rooting against them the next two weeks.  You do NOT want to play them healthy and getting in their groove.


38)  Odd how our culture sometimes touches the sports world.  The top ten most hated NBA players were broken down by a survey on ESPN.  LeBron was #2.  #1?  Kris Humphries.  WOW.  Dude is refusing to get divorced from that Kardashian chick because he believes in true love so much, has done nothing wrong off the court for his entire career, and he is hated that much.  Brutal.  I don't think I would even have a clue how famous that Kardashian chick was if I didn't read a while back that Kris was marrying her.  I guess I am a little out of touch with some things.


39)  I dislike Kobe Bryant.  People also hate Big Ben.  However, they both have one thing in common (Chandler take-TOO MANY JOKES).  They both are MEN when it comes to injuries.  Kobe has a hurt wrist tendon.  Something tells me he will figure out a way to play.  Dude might be an asshole, but he is pretty damn tough.


40)  The Minnesota Wild go on a streak.  The Predators just finished one.  Changing faces on the leaderboards.  Hockey is rapidly changing in a lot of ways.  Welcome, new good teams.  The Oklahoma Thunder and Tampa Bay Rays fully support your newly found legitimacy.


41)  I watched a list of the top alley-oopers of all time in the NBA.  Jordan-Pippen got #1.  Kobe-Shaq #2.  Whatever.  We could really break this down and analyze it, but I am nearing capacity.  So.  I will just say this.  How the HELL did Baron Davis-Blake Griffin get #3 on this list??  I am a HUGE Griffin fan, but he shouldn't be on this list after one year of playing.  You can't put him higher than tandems like Payton-Kemp and Webb-Wilkins.  You just can't.


42)  NFL PREDICTIONS:
-Denver over Buffalo: I hope you didn't roll off the couch reading that.  My hatred of the QB from Denver movement is overcome with the fact that Buffalo just sucks.
-Cincy over Arizona: Cincy is still playing for something and Arizona has new blood at QB.
-Tennessee over Jacksonville:  Who cares?  I just took the home team.
-Oakland over KC:  Everyone wants on the KC bandwagon after last week's win.  I think Oakland is better than a KC team without Cassel.
-NE over Miami:  At home.  Smelling the #1 AFC seed.  Miami is in turmoil.  Easy one.
-NYG over NYJ:  They are both playing at home kind of, and both in the playoff hunt.  This is where Eli flashes his hand and says "you got one of these babies?"
-Pitt over St. Louis: Big Ben or not.  They are home, better, in the playoff seeding race, and still pissed about the SF game (SO AM I if you care).
-Washington over Minnesota:  This is the poor man's version of the Tennessee/ Jacksonville game...if you can get poorer.  Home team.
-Carolina over Tampa: Cam Newton HAS to win SOME of these games that he is throwing for ridiculous yardage in.
-Baltimore over Cleveland:  I really, really wanted to pick the upset, but come on.  They are at home and now have the cushion on the Steelers.
-San Diego over Detroit:  It's December.  Hello.
-Philly over Dallas:  Here they come, people.
-Seattle over San Fran:  Combine a bad team that is hot, and a good team who just won a big game, and throw in the fact that it is in Seattle, and you have what we call an "upset."
-GB over Chicago:  Combine a pissed off great team with a Josh McCown sighting and you have what we call an "asskicking."  Remember when we were looking forward to this game a couple months ago?
-Atlanta over New Orleans:  Do you remember that Atlanta was the #1 seed last year in the playoffs?  They are looking for the playoffs, and I think Brees and company might be too focused on getting him that passing record.  Brees will throw for 3 bills and lose.


43)  That's it.  By the way, I am officially a Mumford and Sons fan now that someone burned me a copy because I kept asking "who is this good song by?"  I also got one burned by The Outsiders.  One sounds like Flogging Molly on painkillers and the other sounds like Kings of Leon merged with the Freddy Jones Band.  Talk to you Monday.  Yippee-ki-yay....yada yada yada (my MOM reads this-I can't finish that quote).

Stringfellow Hawke was the man...

Read it, don't read it, I don't care...just needed to get some things off my chest.


In no particular order of chronology or importance...




1)  For the love of the game...or just to get paid.  Chris Johnson's stats for the last 2 games against Indy and New Orleans.  15 rushes for 55 yards and 11 rushes for 23 yards.  3.7 yards  and 2.1 yards average.  Sure, you can devil's advocate me to death with other factors that went into each game, but I will say this.  I think he is paid on his new contract and doesn't really have an interest in being one of the best of all time.  Just saying.


2)  There is love for your team, and then there is obsession that allows one not to realize it is just football.  A Green Bay woman is behind bars tonight after throwing her food on the floor, attempting to punch her husband in the face, and then choking her 11 year old daughter.  Solid stuff.  VERY sarcastic.  I love my team, but you have to draw the line somewhere. 


3)  Someone told me this week that Tom Brady wouldn't have even made it in the league back in the 90's.  Sure, it is a different game and is called a different way by the refs, but I am just sort of hypothesizing here, but I think that he would have been ok.  I think he might have even been good.  I don't care what has changed, having 3 rings against some of the best athletes in the world is still having 3 rings.  


4)  The Bears cut Sam Hurd.  This sucks.  He was making a run at being on my special team and then his team disses him.  Know this about my team.  To join the likes of Ron Artest, DeShawn Stephenson, Chad Ochocino, and Sebastian Janikowski, you have to be associated with a team when you actually are accepted on it.  Former brief-time players can't make it.  Someone pick him up.  In any decade, under any coach, this has the Oakland Raiders written ALL over it.


5)  Stat that blew me away.  Out of 199 Division III football schools, the SAME TWO teams have met in the championship for the last 7 years.  That is sick.  Both teams last 2 or so lost games...are against each other.  Mount Union and Wisconsin-Whitewater.  Nice programs you have there.


6)  I am supposed to clarify in this rant that when I called myself the Baron last week, that it was NOT positive.  I am called this by my boss because of a misunderstanding.  He thinks I hate UNC basketball and the Broncos because I am just being a "hater."  I actually have ALWAYS disliked the Broncos since I moved out here (sorry, Mom, although you WERE more of an Elway fan and not as much a Broncos fan), and am always going to root against UNC basketball since I am a fellow ACC man myself, at a school that was pretty good at basketball itself back in the day.  Anyway, that is why I evidently have an alter-ego...Baron Von Haterstein (pronounced "Styne" by the way).


7)  Barry Bonds got the book thrown at him.  I wonder how many resources were wasted to end up giving him 30 days HOUSE arrest and 2 years of probation.  Seriously.  The house arrest is really going to cramp his style.  Word is that his favorite place to go in his spare time is in Vegas...Cheetah's.


8)  With the all of these retread movies coming out these days, I want to know where the hell THIS movie is.  Airwolf.  Talk about a technological show that still hasn't aged.  Whoever designed that fake helicopter sure as hell did it right, because I still believe Airwolf can still take any other aircraft in the world today.  Loved that show.  I think they made a "Blue Thunder" movie.  Airwolf would have beaten the living shit out of that helicopter by the way.


9)  No word on who the hell is going to be their center yet, but the Miami Heat have solved one problem...any murmurs about whether Erik Spoelstra will finish the season if they have some winning problems are now solved.  They have signed him to a contract.  I still don't like their roles in a traditional offense, but locking up Erik and signing Battier was a good first step to having a pretty badass season.  My only other problem is the point.  I know they like Chalmers, but I think they should have snagged Mike Bibby or Baron Davis to be in the wings if Chalmers wasn't having a good season.  Not sure HOW you can have a bad season passing the ball to James, Wade, and Bosh, but just saying a back up plan would have been good.


10)  If Yu Darvish is ANYTHING like people are saying as a pitcher, the Texas Rangers just made a huge rebuttal against the Angels signing Wilson and Pujols.  Sure, you could say that it is a push because the Rangers lost C.J. Wilson, but Nolan Ryan is running the show over there, and I can't see him making a wrong move involving a pitcher.  Seven no hitters means you have to know something about tossing the ball in baseball.  Considering the Rangers were pretty much a strike away from a World Series, I would say their statement is solid.


11)  I have always watched in awe how referees avoid collisions in NHL games.  Proud to say I watched a game where the ref got in the way-Washington/ Philly.  The fact that it doesn't happen almost constantly sincerely amazes me.


12)  Kobe gets divorced.  Rough week for this guy.  He loses one of his glue guys to the defending champions for pretty much nothing in return, their trade for Chris Paul gets nixed by the league, and his woman finally gets tired of hearing Edwards/Vail jokes.  


13)  Syracuse is a SOLID #1, people.  I truly like them better than UNC, Duke, Ohio State, Kentucky and others.  Their only problem is figuring out how the hell they are going to trim their rotation by tournament time.  Great problem to have.  LOTS of depth.  Kris Joseph is coming into his own as the go-to guy, their backcourt is experienced, Waiters is starting to become a household name, and then Fab Melo.  We see lots of stories about players coming back out of shape when the season rolls around.  This kid put in some WORK over the summer.  He has better offensive skills now, and is much more fit.  He was abysmal last year.  Glad you came to play this year, bro.  I don't like UNC's outside shooting, Duke's lack of athleticism, Ohio State's Sullinger health problems and frontcourt depth, and Kentucky's youth (and Teague's fifty something free throw percentage).  Louisville is intriguing, but I think a team that is big inside like UNC or Ohio State will bother them.  Pre-conference games revised final four.
-Syracuse
-Ohio State
-Kentucky
-Baylor
(UNC would bump Baylor depending on what I think about Baylor's PG play come tourney time)


NEXT THREE SCARY TEAMS:
-Xavier (assuming Holloway doesn't go "gangsta.")
-Michigan State (9 in a row now since opening 0-2)
-Vandy (I don't care if they are unranked now.  They are good)


CINDERELLA OPTIONS:
-Harvard (seasoned coach, talented bunch, lacking athleticism)
-Creighton (don't know who Doug McDermott is yet?  You will)
-Long Beach State (NOT lacking athleticism)
-Murray State (do these guys do this every 5 years on PURPOSE?)
-Iona (PG can PLAY)
-UNLV (you live in a bubble if you don't know their two big wins.  OK.  You live in a bubble if you don't know the UNC win.  I will let the Illinois one slide with you as I am a junkie.)
-St. Louis (Majerus.  Majerus.  Majerus.)


14)  Soccer players can't really sound "tough" in a lot of sports circles, but the guy who kicked the free kick and the tubing came out of the ball?  He should just quit playing right now and tell that story forever.


15)  When you have a leader of your defense come forward, lock him up.  The Patriots just did.  They can bring all of the retreads they want for the next millennium.  They did the right thing by locking up Jerod Mayo for the next few years.  Dude can PLAY.


16)  Let me own up to it.  My Steelers got rolled against San Fran (thanks, James Harrison, but the way).  I won't sit here and give excuses.  I won't say that maybe Ben should have been less tough and sat that game.  They got BEAT.  My random notes from the game:
-I saw four passes in the first half where Ben OVERTHREW his receivers.  One was an interception, and I still am not sure how you overthrow Mike Wallace.  My theory is this.  Because he knew that pain would occur when he stepped up, he overcompensated and overthrew the ball.
-I was amazed on how many big third downs Alex Smith came through on.  Kid is really coming into his own, and he did it against a pretty intimidating defense
-The crazy power outage delay affected Ben more than anyone else.  You have a guy who is hurt and preps himself to be at the best readiness level right at kickoff.  I think mentally and physically, it jacked him up.
-It was kind of surreal seeing the whole stadium dark.  Think you better hurry up building that new stadium, especially if you are suddenly going to be good.
-Watching Mike Wallace run is kind of like watching gazelles chase a cheetah.  Top Gun comparison.  Inverted.  Dude can flat out fly.
-I don't understand women.  We are lucky enough to have a very meaningful late season MNF game, and the girl across the hall decides to have a really loud book club meeting/ pillow fight/ bitch guys out session, or whatever the hell chicks do when they all get together.  The game was not on.  So glad I am a dude.
-They played that badass Korn song during player introductions on the first drive.  Best idea in rock and roll in a while?  Korn hooking up with that DJ guy.
-I would be pretty bothered if I was Jerry Rice with David Akers breaking his scoring record.  One guy was arguably the best skill position player ever with four rings, and a guy who kicks for a living who gets penalties called on people who hit him ends up pushing him to #2.  Sucks.
-I am proud to be a Steelers fan.  When Heath caught balls in the first half, the cheers were pretty damn loud considering they were playing at the Bay.


17)  I watched most of that Green Bay/ KC game.  Intriguing to me, and I know I have harped on this a LOT over the years.  What the heck happened to trying long field goals?  I am not saying ALL the time, but come on.  Green Bay WENT for it on 4th and 8 from the KC 39 with 14 minutes left in the game down 9-7.  What?


18)  I want to talk briefly about Phil Kessel, Brian Elliot, and Ian White.  No.  These are not fraternity brothers I am going to visit in northern Virginia the next time I am back east.  Folks, this is a noticeable changing of the guard in the NHL.  These guys would be your points leader, your GAA and save percentage leader, and your plus/ minus leader.  Except for Steven Stamkos and the Sedin brothers, there are a LOT of new names on the leaderboards.  Don't these guys know I have a full time job and don't have time to research EVERYBODY?


19)  Not that you care, but I am already kicking Jesse Palmer off my man-crush list.  After further deliberation, I have decided that the Iverson spot goes to Mark Wahlberg instead.  Congratulations, Mark.


20)  The Phillies re-signed Jimmy Rollins.  Sure, test the market, bro.  Feel important.  You would be an idiot for leaving that squad right now.  Just saying.


21)  Two things I found funny last weekend that I forgot to mention last rant...the KC kicker attempting an onside kick and kicking it about 3 yards in front of him and Washington's Jabar Gaffney jumping into the stands...on a Pats fan who was probably about 7 years old.  By the way, Jabar, don't we have enough material on your Skins at this point?


22)  Kris Humphries is getting closer to a deal with the Nets.  Word is that he would like "til death do us part" in the contract and that is presently a sticking point.


23)  Elway backs that guy who kneels from the Denver Broncos.  Have a beer with me, sometime, John.  I will talk you out of it.  Don't give in without a fight I say.  On a side note, two students from NY got suspended from doing that praying thing at school and getting 20 of their closet friends to do it with them, delaying class.  It reminds me, by the way.  I still need a secretary in my hater club.  Remember, I hate the movement, not the man.


24)  In the battle of two second tier MLB teams vying for free agency notoriety but continuing to sign people I have to look up their first name, the Rockies signed Michael Cuddyer and the DBacks signed Jason Kubel.  Thank you, Google.  You rock.


25)  If the Steelers and Ravens are the best present rivalry in the NFL without Manning healthy, why don't they play late in the season?  Is George Costanza in charge of our scheduling and can't get hotel rooms in the city that late?  Confused.  Not that I am bitching about ending the season with St. Louis and Cleveland after a tough Bay loss, but come on.


26)  The Nuggets continue to impress me.  After me and my boss contemplate about going to open tryouts as one total player, they sign Aaron Afflalo.  Add that to the Fernandez and Brewer signing, and you have a nice little squad coming around.  I saw them ranked #5 in a recent power rankings.  Good stuff, Nugs.  Sorry the Baron's allegiance is now totally with the Clippers, but I will TRY and cheer for you.  Nahh...


27)  Ohio State football got a bowl ban.  Word is that they actually asked for it.  Just in case they are good next year.  To fill the time gap, they have asked the NCAA to play the last place SEC team, just to see if they can beat anyone over there.


28)  I am SO much a basketball junkie.  UNLV over Illinois?  Davidson over KU?  LSU over Marquette?  Butler over Purdue?  Indiana STATE over Vandy AT Vandy?  Wow.  So.  Freaking.  Excited.


29)  I won't toot my own horn TOO much, but if anyone IS listening to my football predictions, I hope you took Carolina over the Texans, Indy over Tennessee, and the Chargers over Baltimore.  I hope your bookie is not "phony," and actually pays you also.  "I didn't know Cheryl Miller's little brother played basketball."  Classic.


30)  As I sit here at halftime of the Butler/ Gonzaga game, I still am sad Jay Williams never ended up playing for years in the NBA.  That dude was a total baller at Duke.  I will NEVER forget their comeback against Maryland down 10 with 55 seconds left back in the day.


31)  I am pretty sure I was trying to be productive when I was 16 years old.  Just not like Lexi Thompson I guess.  Chick won the Ladies Euro tourney at the age of 16.  Good job.  Weird that Michelle Wie was in contention in the same tourney, but had two bogeys and a double on the front nine.  Michelle Wie is freaking 22 years old??  Wow.  Another Rip Van Winkle take.  Please don't hook up with Kwame Brown when you are old enough, Lexi.  You have to be a regular reader to get that joke by the way.


32)  The Pistons re-signed Rodney Stuckey.  Like it.  He must be brainwashed with those stories from 2004.  Him and Tayshawn must just get loaded in between games.  Both are kind of...damn...sorry...didn't even think of this joke as I was writing my stream of consciousness...ready?..."stuck" there at a suddenly losing franchise.


33)  I need a flowchart.  Seriously.  Too many people in the NHL getting fired and hired...mideseason.  I can't keep up.  In case you care, the Canadians fired Martin, and the Kings hired Sutter.  Moving on.


34)  The Big Three are getting old over there in Boston.  Now this.  My thoughts go out to Jeff Green, who not only has to have heart surgery, but is out for the year and pretty much dooms any change of that dream team of getting that second championship.


35)  The Reds obtain the Padres' Latos.  Great pickup in a lot of respects.  Is it bad that I didn't think that the pickup was the most interesting part of the story?  ESPN had it on the wire as "Red adds Padres' Latos."  Maybe the Reds are suddenly singular in nature like the Stanford Cardinal, but I wasn't aware of it.  If they suddenly are, please let me know so I can write it right next to "Invesco Field becomes Sports Authority Field" in my insane oversights in the world of sports.


36)  The sky is blue, the grass is green, and the Bulls just signed Derrick Rose long term.  There is NO way I let that guy get away.  NO way.  Sucks you have to play in MJ's shadow for your duration there, but I am confident you will have your own story and your own time.  Hard worker, class act, and one of the best athletes in the WORLD...not the NBA, the world.


37)  I read that Kevin Kolb was out with a concussion.  I read that he also only vaguely remembers being the "greatest backup QB who we have only seen play twice in an actual game" with the Eagles.  See that, Bill Walton? I can make your random, crazy references, too.  You should have stayed the best kept secret in the NFL.  Assuming not having Boldin kind of hurts you over there too.  Must be tough to try and jam it in triple coverage to one of the best receivers in the NFL.  Think of it in the Rounders sense.  You went all in with a pair of tens.  Sucks your opponent matched up his ace on the river.


38)  Mini NBA Preview (just listing them under power rankings from a site-predictions at end):
-Heat (what the hell happened to having a true center?)
-Thunder (in the dictionary, this is under "how to build a team.")
-Mavs (like I have said, if the Knicks make ANY noise, Tyson Chandler can just retire)
-Bulls (happy Rose, more experienced squad, still lacking a 2 guard)
-Nugs (now have my my #2 and #3 players in the NBA-Gallinari and Fernandez.  My #1 is Griffin, so I am still not a fan)
-Clippers (Stockton, Malone, Paul, Griffin...at least they don't have that MJ fellow to deal with)
-Lakers (worst supporting cast he has had in a while.  at least they are still really, really tall)
-Grizzlies (I still think Zach Randolph is the basketball equivalent of Chris Johnson (see first take))
-Knicks (they now have one guy who plays defense.  Gene Hackman played with 4 players in Hoosiers, not 1)
-Celtics (not saying Green is a stud, but think he would have made a difference.  Unhappy Rondo.  Old stars.  Nope)
-Spurs (when they rest Parker, Ginobli, and Duncan, will they play gin rummy on the bench?)
-Hawks (they are the poor man's version of the Thunder.  JR Smith should sign with this team, and that has nothing to do with their second best player already being Josh Smith)
-76ers (bring back Iverson again.  Why not?  OK.  I am being biased. Wahlberg would be mad)
-Pacers (they are a Hall and Oates song.  So close, yet so far away)
-Trailblazers (Roy retires, and Crawford is not Roy.  They have experience in Oden, since he is like 60 years old)
That's enough.  My jokes won't get funnier with the shitty teams.  Actually, maybe they would, but I wanted to finish by 9pm tonight.
PREDICTION: Bulls over Thunder in 6 games.
NEXT TWO: Heat/ Mavs
NEXT TWO: Knicks/ Clippers
2013 PREDICTION: Clippers over Knicks


39)  That is it.  As one shepherd said to the other shepherd, let's get the flock out of here.  Peace.