#4? Jimmy Chitwood...

Read it, don't read it, I don't care...just needed to get some things off my chest.


In no particular order of chronology or importance...


No jokes or movie references this time.  Let's get to it...


1)  I love the Flyers.  I was born just southeast of Philly.  However, I am also a realist.  They are #1 in most power rankings presently.  They one of the hotter teams outside of Minnesota.  And.  This. Week.  Sucked.  Giroux is out indefinitely with concussion symptoms.  He is presently their best player.  The plan was he was Richards replacement, and that plan was working.  Not only these days do we not know how long concussions are going to keep anyone out of any sport, but insult was added to injury.  Chris Pronger is out for the YEAR with severe post concussion symptoms.  They will put up a fight.  They might even make the playoffs.  I hope they do.  However, my gut tells me they will slowly drop in the standings.  There are too many good teams in the East.  They might drop at the same depression rate of the movie Marley and Me, but I think it will happen.


2)  I want to give a shout out to all the kids finishing up college exams.  Hurry the hell up.  This week has been pretty slow for my college basketball addiction.  Once they are done, technically my life could be summarized as work, gym, eating, sleeping, and college basketball.  Sounds totally fancy to me.


3)  What did you do during your summer break, Little Johnny?
-Chris Paul:  I was on Family Feud (What is the one player you would like to play with this year?  Survey says?  Blake Griffin!)
-Ron Artest:  I was on Dancing with the Stars...for one episode.
-Kevin Love: I played beach volleyball (someone cue Kenny Loggins music).
-LeBron James:  I had 3 interceptions against Kevin Durant's flag football team.  Don't know how to comment on that.
-Kris Humphries: I got married...and divorced.


4)  My Rip Van Winkle take.  How LONG have I been asleep?  How the HELL did Kwame Brown get a one year, SEVEN MILLION dollar contract?  He must have made some all star teams while I was away.  Did Darko get a new one too?  I know that seven footers aren't exactly found sitting on park benches, but come on.


5)  I have not opened ONE Big Ben update article.  I don't need to.  That thing is not broken per the MRI and Xray.  And that tough ass dude WILL play.  Mark my words, no pun intended.


6)  The grass is green, and the sky is blue.  John Rocker has admitted he did steroids back in his day.  If I had to name 5 guys from the nineties that I would have expected to be that dumb, he would have made the cut.


7)  Double-take take...Offensive coordinator from Auburn, Gus Malzahn, has taken the head coaching job at Arkansas...STATE.  Dude, I am not looking it up, but I hope you went to school there.  You lead the charge at a perennial power.  I am sure better things would have come along.  That is like being told you can sleep with any of the contestants at the Miss America pageant, and then taking Miss Alabama because she is the first one down the runway.  Wait it out, man.  I am not saying to wait around for Miss Wyoming, but at least wait until Miss Texas makes her rounds.


8)  Poor Chauncey Billups.  He will be on a good team for sure, but dude gets sent across the country from the Big Apple and passing to Amare and Melo, and then the team who gets him trades for the best PG in the game.  I have a feeling Chauncey was in no mood to be a "mentor."  Guess he is suddenly a shooting guard.  By the way, I LOVE the trade.  Chris Paul/  Blake Griffin.  Long term.  Sick.  They gave up Gordon to do it-big loss, but they have the parts to make a run.  They will fight for a first round home series in the playoffs.  Like everything about this team.


9)  Watching what has happened with the Flyers, and checking out the tough teams at this point in the NHL, I personally think the Stanley Cup will be the winner of the Boston/ Penguins conference championship series...Crosby or not.


10)  I forgot this last time.  Did anyone see the Jets game last week where they had to take a timeout...SIX seconds into the game?  I don't think I have ever seen that before.  Did you bring out the wrong set of "scripted" plays?


11)  Marshawn Lynch has not been on a really good team yet.  But.  Is it me, or is he quietly compiling a hell of a video archive of simply badass runs?  Check out his run from Monday.  Nothing that scored or anything, but he was a huge pinball running over and bouncing off people for about 17 yards.  Amazing.  Hope you get your chance in the spotlight sometime, bro.  And by the way, I personally hope the skittles thing (throwing them at him when he scored...because he loves to eat them) is a one time deal.  Picking up octopuses off the ice seems easier than those tiny skittles off the field.  Plus, those thing can get dangerous.  How the hell did the fans organize that many people having them so fast?


12)  That guy who eats out EVERY night in my apartment complex?  I watched him take out the trash the other night when I went down to do laundry.  He had to have specially ordered the trash bag that carried all of those pizza boxes.  It was HUGE and barely fit down the steps he was descending on.  I had to spot him like a person spotting a person who can't parallel park.


13)  Big week for the Nuggets.  Since me and my boss were toying with the idea of going down to Pepsi Center and trying out as ONE player (we would take turns running down the court) since they were short on players, it seems they now have enough people to conduct a legitimate practice...AND picked up some pretty good talent.  I LOVE the Rudy Fernandez and Corey Brewer acquisitions, and then they turn around and sign Nene.  Well, that is pretty much IT for Nene.  This was his chance to get out of dodge, and Nuggets fans (not me, I have been a Clippers fan since January of last year-LONG time fan) are pretty happy he stayed.  I was wondering why, but then heard his lady lives up the world in Fort Collins.


14)  Chicken or the egg argument.  There was a story that came out about Rajon Rondo throwing bottles at the video screen after receiving coaching on a practice or game.  My question is this.  Are they continuously trying to trade him BECAUSE he does things like this, OR is he throwing bottles because they are inexplicably trying to trade their All-Star PG every 5 minutes?


15)  The Packers still have pressure, sure.  However this whole "mania" with that quarterback from Denver has sure taken a lot off their plate as far as media coverage.  I should try to get hired by NFL media types right NOW, because they are probably undermanned between the Denver thing and the Packers thing.


16)  Not really sure HOW I became a closet Spurrier fan and constantly root for South Carolina now, but I was pretty happy when he signed the new contract through 2015...even with 6 less scholarships to work with.  Way to stick with it, bro.


17)  I am watching Beavis and Butthead while flipping from the NFL game while writing this.  I still LOVE this show.  Let me summarize the brilliant plots of the three new episodes I have seen.  One was an entire episode about them going to the hospital because they tried to drill a hole in an action figure and drilled Beavis's hand.  One was about asking a father for his daughter's "hand."  The one on now is about them in a car lot after playing pizza throwing trying to get a car with "zero down."  I might have caught more episodes, but I have automatically and involuntary passed by MTV in my rounds since they stopped playing videos like 15 years ago.  Still adjusting.


18)  Mike Gundy was named college football coach of the year.  Good call.  If you weren't a man, before, you are now.  Nice season, bro.  IOWA STATE...EEWWW...


19)  Talk about a quick turnaround AND a great fit.  Brandon Roy retires a couple days ago.  Jamal Crawford already has found a home in Portland.  Nice pickup.  Dude still has plenty of miles left in him.


20)  You know what is CRAZY?  Stephen A. Smith is the President of my haters club of that QB from Denver.  I am VP.  I am proud to announce my Treasurer.  His name is...Steve Smith!  Yay.  Not ever shy about talking smack, he told the media to check back in five years in who he would take between that QB from Denver and Cam Newton.  Welcome to the club, Steve.  I will call you Steve, and our President Stephen A to avoid confusion.  You can call me the Baron, boys, because that is what my boss calls me because of my hater-like tendencies about that QB from Denver.


21)  In the who cares take, Baron Davis was released by the CAVS, and has announced his "wish list" of the Knicks and Lakers.  I am confused, were you doing ANYTHING on the court BEFORE your injury?  You getting released by the Cavs will have teams steering away from you like Jerry steered away from that chick who dated Newman.


22)  B&B just went in a garden store and asked where the hoes were.  The guy said, "where they were yesterday, aisle 5."  Absolutely, freaking hilarious.


23)  The topic of team jerseys came up in conversation this week.  For the record, I admit I am not a jersey wearing person, but if I were to, this is my list of who I would throw on:
1) Rocky Bleier (Thanks for letting me read Fighting Back, Mom)
2) Jack Lambert (absolute badass)
3) Isiah Thomas (he is an idiot off the court, but he changed the game on it)
4) Jimmy Chitwood (I am absolutely serious)
5) Troy Polamalu (a little trendy for me, but the only recent Steeler I would sport)
6) Allen Iverson (already have it)
7) Lynn Swann (I don't know.  The dude caught like 3 catches for 100 yards every game.  Crazy shit)
8) Tom Chambers (I actually patterned my game off him oddly enough)
and now...Blake Griffin


24)  Someone explain that you CAN'T get on my special idiot team in one bust.  Sam Hurd, WR for the Bears, got busted this week with a KILOGRAM of cocaine with "intentions of developing a distribution ring."  Sam, listen to me.  Just go beat up your girlfriend, get busted for drinking and driving, and get busted doing a LITTLE cocaine, and I will put you on the bench of my team.  You have some work to do.  I have to make sure it is a pattern before I allow you on it.  Gerald McCoy is still ahead of you for the record so you know, Sam.


25)  Mike Wilbon cracked me up on PTI this week, saying the two people that he would love to change lives with in a heartbeat weere Hugh Hefner and Derek Jeter.  Funny stuff.  Big week for Jeter.  Story came out how he has a gift basket for his lady in the limo when she goes home from his place (not sure if it is the same lady every time-I don't read People).  Evidently, him and Kramer would get along and he is shipping the chick out each night because maybe he has the Jimmy Legs.  Also, Derek was on Barbara Walters.  I saw some of the interview (RELAX.  I didn't watch Barbara Walters.  It was played on the long version of SportsCenter).  It was good, but evidently she likes him too, because I didn't see much of an effort to make him cry.


26)  After debacles like The Firm, The Da Vinci Code and countless others over the years, I have decided to not read the book The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.  Yes, I know I will LOVE it.  But.  Since the movie always sucks because I read the book first, I am going in blind on this movie.  I will enjoy the book after the viewing.  It sounds like a great thing to read at commercial breaks from the NBA games in my date with the couch on Christmas.


27)  Suh is back.  The obvious part of missing him is the Lions allowed 100 more yards total per game.  The fine print is that they also had half the amount of penalties.  You are hurting your team.  Get a grip, dude.  You could be legendary and the greatest of all time at your position.  Join Costanza at Rage-a-holics once a week and control yourself.


28)  Tim Thomas had 40 saves one night and 47 the next.  Are the Bruins defensive players TRYING to show how badass he is?  Block some shots guys.  He is good, but that is like putting Peyton Manning behind the 2002 Houston Texans offensive line.  Not good overall.


29)  OK.  I will explain the last one.  David Carr was sacked a record 76 times in one season with the Texans.  Cool?  Can we move on?


30)  I caught myself watching at least 20 seconds of a Kurt Rambis interview without knowing who it was.  I am embarassed.  I love basketball.  I guess he will ALWAYS have goggles in my book.


31)  Check out the Blackhawk's Patrick Kane's penalty shot against the Minnesota Wild.  Crazy stick work.  It also made me finally understand the rules of a penalty shot.  Even if you are BARELY moving, as long as you are moving forward, it is legal.  Side note.  That game shouldn't have even been in a shootout.  There was a goal by the Wild where the most visible ref said it was going to be icing.  Some of the players backed off.  The other ref said it was live, and then Minnesota one-timed it.  Not cool.  Karma is a bitch, aye?


32)  True it was Wright State they played, but pretty impressed with the Cincy bball win the other night.  Down 4 of their main scorers (yeah, I guess I shouldn't feel THAT bad for them), they hit 9 first half three pointers, and won by 20.


33)  I hate when I don't understand jokes.  Luckily, I am humble enough to admit when I am missing something, which in this case I am.  What is the deal with the commercial with the dude who tries on the pink shirt and the tight jeans because his girl wants him to?  It is a commercial for some phone because he asks his buddy how dumb he looks.  Then, he leaves the dressing room and there is a girl who tried on the same thing.  His girlfriend smiles.  What is the joke?  Does she not like him anymore?  Is she a lesbian?  Confused.


34)  LaMichael James is going pro.  Might as well.  You got to the championship one year and had your shot.  The next year, you should have been out of it, but then you made a run and still had a shot at the title game, and ruined THAT.  You are never going to get bigger.  It is what it is.  Get your money now, bro.  Opportunity knocked for your team twice, and you were not home.


35)  I only watch ONE freaking non-comedy on a religious basis.  I have watched EVERY episode from day 1.  I have watched the actors get better.  I have watched the plots get better.  Criminal Minds has EVOLVED.  And now they did what they did last night.  This is absolutely BS.  Not happy.  The show is centered on the profiling aspect, but since they are frequently dealing with meticulous serial killers, CSI stuff comes into play and they cover every detail.  I won't break down last night's show in long form.  Here is the short version.  A dumb fighter from Philly is having bad times and killing people at night.  All of his killings are unplanned.  He doesn't wear gloves.  He is reckless.  Yet, as the 4 nights of my peeps going through their "profiling" process, not ONE mention of a fingerprint or hair sample is evident.  It doesn't work for me.  This isn't as bad as the helicopter scene from the first Mission: Impossible, but it was still pretty unrealistic, especially for a show that has...evolved.  A step back, people.  


36)  I am afraid I will overstep my bounds on this take, so I am just going to tell you what to google and then you go ahead.  One of the accusers of Bernie Fine had an interesting week besides the fact that he is one of the accusers of Bernie Fine.  HE was arrested for molestation.  I should move on right now.  Chandler take.  Too many jokes, and I know I won't be nice.


37)  Lateral move?  I think not.  Todd Graham left Pitt football to go to...Arizona State.  Dude.  One has won a championship in the last 50 years, the other has not.  PLEASE tell me you grew up in Arizona or SOMETHING.


38)  Knock knock.  Whose there?  Yu.  Yu who (lots of different directions I could take this, but let's just put it out of its misery)?  Yu Darvish.  I have my best people working on finding out more about this guy who have 7 MLB bidders already for his services.  As soon as I know, my people will be in touch with your people.


39)  Hello, James Harrison.  Dude, a one game suspension with Big Ben hobbled, the Steel trying to GAIN a game on the Ravens in he stretch run, and a tough trip to San Fran?  You are one of the best defensive players to play the game, and I know you won't change your game, but can you think a little about your team also?  Bad timing, bro.  I hope you are not a text buddy of Suh...


40)  I am already bored about the Dwight Howard trade rumors.  What sucks is this.  Now that he is "off the trade market,"  we are going to hear about it all the way up to the trade deadline.  DROWNED, people.  I can't say I blame the Magic.  He might be asking for a trade, but you are in control.  Get the BEST freaking deal you can for one of the few huge, tall, true centers in the league.


41)  In my mission to find ways to use Cholula in my pretty healthy eating bachelor pad, I poured it on spaghetti with butter and parmesan cheese the other day.  Got to say.  It kind of worked.


42)  Marc Gasol signs back with the Grizzlies.  The Gasol guys have a great thing going.  Those Plumlee boys on Tobacco Row are dreaming of the same mojo.  Don't see it happening MP1, MP2, MP3.  Plus, I will be rooting against you considering you are freaking Dukies.


43)   My filtered water machine at work confuses me.  I am literally the first person to work 85% of the time.  I get a drink of water when I come in.  The damn thing has been "cooling" without ever being used ALL night.  The water is always just KIND of cold.  Then, I get water in the afternoon.  The shit is freezing, after being constantly being used all day.  Sure, maybe the thing has an automatic shutdown to save energy.  I don't care.  It sucks, and I don't like it.  I should get the coldest cup of water for being first to work.  AND, my thermos is just BARELY too small for the size of the produced ice cubes.  Damn.


44)  Luke Donald won the money title on the PGA and European Tour.  He was the first since my boy, El Tigre.  Enjoy it, Luke.  He wants that stat back from my sources at Perkins.


45)  NFL picks:
-Atlanta over Jax:  I bet you the score is somewhere in the ballpark of 41-14.  I bet you no one wants any part of Atlanta by the time the playoffs roll around.
-Cincy over St. Louis:  Cincy finally gets an easy one.  Might be a little late for their playoff hopes though
-NO over Minn:  Only team on that side who can beat the Pack.
-Buffalo over Miami: Buffalo is due, and Miami has coaching problems.
-UPSET: Carolina over Houston at Houston:  Cam is playing well, and I know the Texans defense is good, but this ride with a subpar QB is due for a speed bump
-GB over KC:  I am a believer.  If Cassel was playing, maybe.  But no way without him.
-NYG over Wash:  NYG are 7-6 and control their own destiny.  You think they are losing to these chumps?
-UPSET: Indy over Tennessee:  They are going to win ONE, aren't they?  This is their chance.
-Seattle over Chicago:  Seattle is playing like they think they are good, and Chicago is looking for a flux capacitor
-Oakland over Detroit:  not confident on this one...just taking the home team and subconsciously want someone to give Denver a run at the playoffs.  There.  I admit it.
-Arizona over Cleveland:  Just taking the home team, people.
-Philly over NYJ: They have the talent, and are at home.  I like this game a lot.
-NE over Denver: Playing the fourth quarter has worked up to this point.  You have overcome a 15 pt deficit.  Try making up 24 pts in one qtr, biatch...
-UPSET: SD over Baltimore: It is December.  It is Phil Rivers.  You are at home.  Like it a lot.
-Pitt over SF:  The Baltimore loss to the Chargers will make people CARRY Big Ben out on the field to play.  Hey, that would kind of be like the INVERTED Kellen Winslow carry.  


46)  That is it.  Seinfeld reference.  Check.  Top Gun reference.  Check.  Sky is blue take.  Check.  NOW I'm done.  Talk to you Tuesday, as there is no way I am writing this shit during my boys game.  Peace.