Now I have a machine gun. Ho. Ho. Ho.

Read it, don't read it, I don't care...just needed to get some things off my chest.


In no particular order of chronology or importance...


1)  What is the cliche about the sleeping dog?  Something about not waking him up?  Hey, Victor Cruz, be quiet.  You are having a breakout season.  Fantasy owners scrambled to get you on their team this year.  You are a true talent.  Let your play do the shit-talking.  Sure, Revis, is getting thrown towards a lot more this year.  The guy is still damn good.  Even Revis replied by saying his response would be on the field.  Victor, you should worry about getting in the playoffs at all.  Save it, bro.


2)  If I come across distracted in the first few takes, I am starting this while Seinfeld is on.  You might think that seeing every single episode over 100 times each would allow me to not pay attention.  You would be wrong.  I am quite sure I enjoy every episode like it is the first time...to this day.


3)  I hope Skip Bayless doesn't read this rant (pretty sure I am quite safe, but you never know).  I think the guy is an idiot.  I only heard 5 minutes of him today, but it was enough to make me throw up.  He said if he was the NFL team having the first pick that he would take Robert Griffin.  Over Andrew Luck.  Come on.  RGIII can play, but Luck is one of the best prospects we have seen in years.  Damn.  He said something else that made me laugh, but I forget what it was.  Selective hearing, I suppose.  If he and Woody Paige were on an hour show debating sports topics, I would watch it, but I would only do so because of my CSI: Miami theory.  It would be so bad in quality, it would be funny.  Kind of like why I used to like to listen to Bill Walton announce NBA games.  What happened to him, anyway?  Why is he not doing games?


4)  What is up with all of this sexual abuse crap?  Penn State.  Syracuse.  Now Bill Conlin the sportswriter.  Please.  No more for a while.  I am so over this shit.


5)  I usually get mad when the best team's coach gets "coach of the year."  It happens a lot, and I get the concept that it is just as tough to keep a team unbeaten as it is to revive a program.  That being said, I am ok with Les Miles from LSU getting AP Coach of the Year.  The whole Jefferson deal is why I agree with this selection.  Losing a senior QB when you designed your entire season assuming he would be your man, and then going undefeated?  Good stuff, Les.  I get the feeling that I really don't like your personality, and I question a LOT of your gambles/ dumb decisions.  However, it works, man.  Keep it up.  


6)  There.  I complimented LSU.  I feel better about doing that, because they are going to get worked in the BCS Championship by Bama.


7)  Big Ben will not be playing against the Rams.  Good call.  The Steelers have a seasoned backup, they already had their chance to control their own destiny, and they need him healthy for the playoffs, when we end this QB from Denver crap...which is the way it is lining up.  Can't wait.


8)  Here they come.  Here come more lawsuits.  Dorsey Levens and Jamaal Lewis are the latest ex-players to want to cash in on this whole concussion thing.  You might want to set up lines like they do at amusement parks.  


9)  My prediction last rant was the Bulls will take it all this year in the NBA.  I admit my oversights, and I forgot they had picked up Richard Hamilton also (sorry for the oversight.  I DO work like 60 hours a week).  I feel even better about the call, assuming he can even play a shadow of what he once was.  By the way, my prediction is about 75% pure logic, and 25% me thinking it would be funny if LeBron and friends failed again.


10)  Weird.  In the same week, the UCONN Huskies AND Tennessee Volunteers women's basketball teams lost.  Times are changing, because if that happened about 10 years ago, people would have thought the end of the world was near.


11)  Something I didn't know.  Andre Drummond, the UCONN basketball player who will be a household name by the end of the year, is not receiving any financial aid for his education at UCONN.  It was really cool about the Kyle Kuric thing, but that kid will be JUST drafted.  Drummond is going to be an easy lottery pick.  Good stuff, kid.


12)  You might have heard my leadership theory that some guys...are just simply made to be a coordinator as opposed to a head coach.  Well, with Chow going to Hawaii and Weis going to Kansas, I guess they are planning on testing that theory.  Those two are recruiting maestros and offensive geniuses, but I don't think they are cut out to be head coaches.  I will not bust on Chow too much, as this is his first shot.  Weis was already at the pinnacle of college football.  He already had a chance.  All we need now is Josh McDaniel to get a new gig, but I think that since St. Louis is not exactly sniffing the playoffs, I think we are safe on that front.


13)  One interesting other tidbit about the Weis hiring.  He literally JUST got hired, and already is set at QB for the next 2-3 years.  You remember Dayne Crist?  Ex-top HS QB who went to Notre Dame?  Yup.  He is heading over to the Kansas party, and has immediate eligibility because he has already graduated college.  After he finishes his last year, Weis already has ex-BYU QB Jake Heaps to take over the reins.  Heaps has to sit a year, which works perfectly for Weis.  Nice dual pickup, Charlie.


14)  If we were playing Family Feud, and the topic of Pacquiao/ Mayweather came up, I think that survey would have said what actually happened as the #2 answer.  They were hoping to fight next spring.  Mayweather just got sentenced 90 days in jail.  You do the math.  He will get out the beginning of April.  He would need a while to train.  Not going to happen.  The delay would give more chance for total cancellation.  Sucks.  I haven't ordered a fight in a while, but would pay up in a heartbeat for that one.  I SO want that sport to not be a joke anymore.  It is beautiful to watch if you are watching the right guys fight.


15)  The Cardinals are building a team where it won't matter which arm the pitcher uses to throw the ball.  They picked up Carlos Beltran for 2 years.  VERY nice addition after losing Pujols.  And.  Another switch hitter.


16)  The Nets just picked up Mehmet Okur.  They won't be any good this year, but I think that Deron Williams is sleeping a little better knowing that a) they are actually serious about getting better b) they might actually be good sometime during his prime c) Brooklyn will be a little more fun.  If they figure out a way to snag Dwight Howard, they will be like John McClane in Diehard.  Now I have a machine gun.  Ho. Ho. Ho.


17)  Folks, we have a Terry Bowden sighting.  Love that guy, and we need all the Bowden's in the ranks with Dad gone.  He will be taking over at Akron.  Akron folk are excited.  They should hope for a mediocre team, because I can't see that as his last stop, people.  


18)  The sky is blue, the grass is green, and Calipari HAS to be cheating somehow...or is the Jedi Knight of recruiting.  These are not the droids you are looking for, and you really want to go to Kentucky.  In case any of you Wildcat fans are worried about losing Terence Jones, Marcus Teague, Anthony Davis, and others to the NBA, don't.  Word is that the #1 2012 recruit (in like EVERY freaking ranking) Shabazz Muhammad is "leaning" towards UK as his school.  Great.  The rich get richer.


19)  If this Jim Mora thing doesn't work at UCLA, maybe they should consider another way to go.  I know you are a big school that needs somewhat a big name.  However, Rick Neuheisel?  Jim Mora?  Why not find one of those up and comers from a smaller school?  Ha.  I just thought of something I did by accident.  Small school coach...big name need.  That would be funny if Terry Bowden got the next turn on that ride.


20)  Here is an assistant I think CAN be a head coach again.  Romeo Crennel.  He beats the Pack, and then players are asking for him to be their permanent coach.  I just look at him and see people listening to him.  I think he has it-that magical mix of X's and O's and the personality to make someone run through a wall for you.  God, your family, and the Green Bay Packers.  I am not explaining that joke.  Look it up.  And watch the speech.


21)  Interesting question.  What are you more excited for?  Christmas Eve day Saturday football or Christmas NBA games?  Well, given that I am in town with no family around, I guess I will just have to watch 10 hours of each both days and get back to you with my answer.  With Ben not starting and the Steelers blowing last week, I am leaning towards the Christmas basketball.


22)  I am a closet Louisville basketball fan.  And I love Pitino.  They are good.  They are deep.  However, usually when you get a scare from a team like the College of Charleston, you would then go out and destroy a team like Western Kentucky.  Eight minutes left, and Louisville is down 3.  Come on, guys.  Lock and load.


23)  I have been saying that the Nationals are a team to watch.  However, they have been pretty quiet this offseason.  However, they just snagged Gio Gonzalez from the A's/team that develops stud pitchers and then gives them away.  Nice pickup.  Not, glamorous, but still nice.


24)  Flyers coach pushes player Steve Ott going into the locker room.  When in Rome, I guess.  Being in Philly...just makes you Phillyish.  Even if you are Canadian.  You looking at me?  Adrian!  If I can change...and you can change...then EVERYONE can change!


25)  The sky blue, the grass is green, and I have been just WAITING for this.  Monta Ellis.  He has done nothing really wrong up to this point, but I have allocated scouts for YEARS to watch him as a possibility for my "special team."  Lots of resources.  He now is on the radar.  He got busted for sending pics of his genitals to earn him a sexual harassment accusation.  Go beat up someone at a bar, get busted with guns and drugs, and we will talk, bro.  Now that Sam Hurd didn't work out, and Gerald McCoy is still one conviction short, I have room.


26)  I am impressed that Boise State came out as strong as it did in whatever bowl they played Arizona State.  The melancholy from not being in the BCS could have been a scapegoat.  However, they came out and blitzed ASU.  Kellen, I wouldn't pick you early in the draft, but if I had a chance at getting you in later rounds, I would definitely take you.  SHIT.  THAT is the other thing I couldn't remember by Skip Bayless.  He said Kellen should go in the first round.  Freaking idiot.  Kellen is good, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.  How are you on TV, Skip?


27)  Anquan Boldin is out two games.  Flacco is having a bad enough season trying to become the next Trent Dilfer that I wonder if he will notice his absence.


28)  WARNING.  WARNING.  I am about to make a brief Justin Bieber take.  What has the world come to?  Anyway, I have decided this.  I don't care if he is a teen sensation.  I don't care if he has really stupid songs.  I like him.  I am on his side.  Check out THIS resume in things I care about.  He has played well in the NBA All-Star activities, played soccer with team Barcelona, and now has practiced with the Toronto Maple Leafs.  Maybe he is trying to come across more manly, or maybe he just likes sports.  I am going with the latter and running with it.


29)  The Flyers Giroux is back, and has started strong.  Hope he stays back.  Hope that concussion doesn't make him miss any other games.  I don't like making Marley and Me references in my sarcastic sports rant (see last rant for that reference-I am not explaining it.  I want REGULAR readers).  Plus, that slow death movie reminds me of Taint, my ho ex.  Insult to injury.


30)  I don't care if there are other reasons we don't know about.  I don't care if it is for the wrong reasons.  I freaking LOVE it.  Too often kids enter a draft too early.  Now, Matt Barkley has announced he is coming back to USC.  Awesome.  This is happening one year after Luck blew us away by coming back.  Kiper had Barkley at #6.  Barkley has played TWO years on a bowl ban.  He says there is unfinished business.  Do it up, bro.  No matter how much I think that Lane Kiffin is a dumbass, I will now be cheering for you for the Heisman and a legit bowl.


31)  Whoever that chick is in the new Giorgio Armani commercial on that deserted island, I want to marry her.  Right now.  And if the makeup team didn't do anything crazy to make her eyes look like that, then my list needs some rearranging.  If you could let me know if those are your natural eyes, I will be happy to bump Halle Berry with "hot chick from Armani island commercial."


32)  Wisconsin's OC Chryst takes over at Pitt.  His first order of business, word is, is running his offense with 5 guys who do NOT weigh over 320 pounds each (don't google it.  I can't guarantee they all weigh over 300 lbs.  I am just saying that Wisconsin lineman are really big.  It is a stream of consciousness.  I don't look shit up.).


33)  UVA basketball.  We are now ranked.  Joe Harris is one of the better sophomores in the nation not on UNC or UK.  Mike Scott was injured last year, but will be All-ACC this year.  I love their squad.  That being said and not wanting to be a homer or beat a dead horse, I WILL say that I never saw the Seattle game coming.  UVA hadn't allowed a team to score 60 all season.  The team that finally did it?  Seattle.  Weird.  Thought they would at least make it to conference play with that stat.  Elgin Baylor does NOT play there anymore, UVA.


34)  Well, Rick Pitino reads my blog at commercial breaks evidently.  Since I cracked on Louisville playing like shit against Western Kentucky, they have run them out of the gym.  


35)  Fact.  Texas is tied for second in the nation for most amount of NBA first rounders with 8 since 2004.  Fact.  Texas has not come close to a national championship (and blown one of my bracket pools a couple years ago-Daniel Gibson?  Aldridge?  Wow.).  Fact.  The others have won one or multiple.  Hey, Rick.  You got the talent, bro.  You even have more staying for more years then some of the other powerhouses on that list.  What gives? I thought of this take after UNC smoked UT.  Wasn't it just a year ago when UT gave them a game?


36)  Marshall rolls late in the Beef-O-Brady's Bowl.  I have no comment on this.  I just wanted to write "Beef-O-Brady's" in relation to a sports take.


37)  I won't crack on the AFC West this time and the fact that no one seems to want it.  I will go another route.  Does anyone else think it is weird that the Eagles are 6-8 and still very much in the playoff hunt?  Seriously though, if I am the Packers or Saints, I am firmly rooting against them the next two weeks.  You do NOT want to play them healthy and getting in their groove.


38)  Odd how our culture sometimes touches the sports world.  The top ten most hated NBA players were broken down by a survey on ESPN.  LeBron was #2.  #1?  Kris Humphries.  WOW.  Dude is refusing to get divorced from that Kardashian chick because he believes in true love so much, has done nothing wrong off the court for his entire career, and he is hated that much.  Brutal.  I don't think I would even have a clue how famous that Kardashian chick was if I didn't read a while back that Kris was marrying her.  I guess I am a little out of touch with some things.


39)  I dislike Kobe Bryant.  People also hate Big Ben.  However, they both have one thing in common (Chandler take-TOO MANY JOKES).  They both are MEN when it comes to injuries.  Kobe has a hurt wrist tendon.  Something tells me he will figure out a way to play.  Dude might be an asshole, but he is pretty damn tough.


40)  The Minnesota Wild go on a streak.  The Predators just finished one.  Changing faces on the leaderboards.  Hockey is rapidly changing in a lot of ways.  Welcome, new good teams.  The Oklahoma Thunder and Tampa Bay Rays fully support your newly found legitimacy.


41)  I watched a list of the top alley-oopers of all time in the NBA.  Jordan-Pippen got #1.  Kobe-Shaq #2.  Whatever.  We could really break this down and analyze it, but I am nearing capacity.  So.  I will just say this.  How the HELL did Baron Davis-Blake Griffin get #3 on this list??  I am a HUGE Griffin fan, but he shouldn't be on this list after one year of playing.  You can't put him higher than tandems like Payton-Kemp and Webb-Wilkins.  You just can't.


42)  NFL PREDICTIONS:
-Denver over Buffalo: I hope you didn't roll off the couch reading that.  My hatred of the QB from Denver movement is overcome with the fact that Buffalo just sucks.
-Cincy over Arizona: Cincy is still playing for something and Arizona has new blood at QB.
-Tennessee over Jacksonville:  Who cares?  I just took the home team.
-Oakland over KC:  Everyone wants on the KC bandwagon after last week's win.  I think Oakland is better than a KC team without Cassel.
-NE over Miami:  At home.  Smelling the #1 AFC seed.  Miami is in turmoil.  Easy one.
-NYG over NYJ:  They are both playing at home kind of, and both in the playoff hunt.  This is where Eli flashes his hand and says "you got one of these babies?"
-Pitt over St. Louis: Big Ben or not.  They are home, better, in the playoff seeding race, and still pissed about the SF game (SO AM I if you care).
-Washington over Minnesota:  This is the poor man's version of the Tennessee/ Jacksonville game...if you can get poorer.  Home team.
-Carolina over Tampa: Cam Newton HAS to win SOME of these games that he is throwing for ridiculous yardage in.
-Baltimore over Cleveland:  I really, really wanted to pick the upset, but come on.  They are at home and now have the cushion on the Steelers.
-San Diego over Detroit:  It's December.  Hello.
-Philly over Dallas:  Here they come, people.
-Seattle over San Fran:  Combine a bad team that is hot, and a good team who just won a big game, and throw in the fact that it is in Seattle, and you have what we call an "upset."
-GB over Chicago:  Combine a pissed off great team with a Josh McCown sighting and you have what we call an "asskicking."  Remember when we were looking forward to this game a couple months ago?
-Atlanta over New Orleans:  Do you remember that Atlanta was the #1 seed last year in the playoffs?  They are looking for the playoffs, and I think Brees and company might be too focused on getting him that passing record.  Brees will throw for 3 bills and lose.


43)  That's it.  By the way, I am officially a Mumford and Sons fan now that someone burned me a copy because I kept asking "who is this good song by?"  I also got one burned by The Outsiders.  One sounds like Flogging Molly on painkillers and the other sounds like Kings of Leon merged with the Freddy Jones Band.  Talk to you Monday.  Yippee-ki-yay....yada yada yada (my MOM reads this-I can't finish that quote).