The Rant
by The Fillerbuster
Read it, don't read it, I don't care...I just need to get some things off my chest
In particular order of chronology or importance...
1. Is there a trend going on, snowballing, that I am not aware of? Is it suddenly hip to announce what things you did against the rules in college? Crowder from Florida is the latest addition, selling jerseys. Hey, I guess I should be happy. I bitched the last time about everyone being sub-par players from good programs that I still had to look up. Crowder? Now, we are getting somewhere. I have a dream that Tim Tebow someday will admit an agent bought him a bag of Cheetos back in college. If it is true, I wonder how long it took him to eat it. If Tebow took exactly 5 minutes to finish it, I bet the agent was a better man for it. Google that if you don't get the joke. I remember the announcer saying it live. Anyway, plus, I would understand it was Cheetos. I am a Cheez It guy. I am practically married to Cheez Its. But, when I have a bag of Cheetos, it is like a hot, unbridled (Seinfeld reference alert) affair.
2. Calipari gets an extension. Soak it up, bro. You must be the Jedi Knight of recruiters. Everyone you go to see signs up. If you go to someone you don't like, I assume you say "these are not the recruits I am looking for." Come on. Do something wrong and get caught. There is no WAY you are recruiting like you do. There has to be hookers, payments, SOMETHING...God forbid if you could ever keep these players for more than a year. Oh, and thanks for telling us how passionate you are for giving college athletes stipends. First of all, that is opening Pandora's Box. Where does it end? Softball players, crew teams, etc.? Second of all, you are already paying them. At least your peeps are happy.
3. I watched most of the CWS final series. It all changed with game 1, Florida had 0 outs with the bases loaded in the bottom of the ninth. They didn't score, and the thing was over after that. Mentally, they were checked out.
4. Speaking of the CWS, did you people watch game 1? Who is that home plate umpire? Does he moonlight offseason as playing monsters in cartoons? Is that his real voice? Does he know there is a mic on him? I have never seen any of those Hobbit/ Rings movies, but he sounds like a creature that come upon way up in the mountains who hasn't seen life forms in 10 years.
5. Hey, Kenny Britt. Just because I started a blog, that doesn't mean you have to overload me with new material. Two separate warrants than the one I teased you about 2 rants ago? If I have to start another blog subject, I will name it "Another Britt on the Wall."
6. Federer is just sick at the between the legs shot. Doing that shot in the Visa Dallas Open (I made that up) is one thing, but in Grand Slams regularly? Dude. Good stuff. Oh, and pre-rant news. Roger lost today. Two things. I wouldn't have believed you if you told me he lost in a Grand Slam after being up two sets, but I would have believed you if you said it was Tsonga. His athleticism is off the charts. You could see it the last two years in major tournaments. The kid has skills, and he has the athleticism to bother some of Federer's usual winners. Suddenly, Sampras's Wimbledon record at Wimbledon seems more unbelievable.
7. Kariya retires with brain damage. You are the Grant Hill of hockey. We will never know what your career would have been without your injuries, and you are one classy dude. Plus, when you came back from that hit by Stevens in the Finals 2003, how could you not root for you? Sorry your name never got on that thing, bro.
8. I care like every normal guy on earth, but can someone please flow chart all of these reports on NFL talks?...where they are, whether it is covert or not, whether everyone is there...
9. He is an ex-Philly, I shouldn't care, and it is not fault. However, does anyone else think that Jayson Werth's contract of 7 years at 120 mil last year will jack up baseball contract negotiations for YEARS. Jayson, Vin Baker was interested in going out for drinks if you are interested.
10. Tiger has a beard, has a new Japan endorsement deal, is not practicing, and not coming back until he is 100%. Damn. He is my BOY, and even I don't care about these developments. Just shut up and get your ass back before the PGA worse case, even though you will have an awesome shot at that British Open even if you are 80%.
11. I think Randy Moss, Chad Ochocinco, and Terrell Owens, when the time comes, should all retire together. It just seems right.
12. Mayweather still wants to fight Pacquiao. You live in a bubble, Floyd. And by the way, it's Moops, not Moors. That fight just simply needs to happen.
13. Fox Sports reported that Charlie Sheen did steroids before his role in "Major League." Read that slowly. I have no further jokes, and didn't need to open the article. Fox, really? On your wire?
14. Venus, Serena, and Caroline all got jettisoned on the same day?? Wow. I think you ladies just made my bar visit longer the night before the ladies final. I will go to sleep saying "No alarm clock for you!"
15. The Dodgers beat the Twins 15-0 at Minnesota the other night. I am sure there is a bankruptcy/ Wimbledon joke in there somewhere, but I can't place it. Still, 15-0, that is hard to do...on both sides.
16. What is Fox Sports good for? They had an excellent report on Bosh's recent bachelor party. You don't need to read it though. Just know it must have been one hell of a "bash." Say it with an accent and it is funnier.
17. I am from Jersey. That gives me full right to bust on it. Who am I kidding? It singlehandedly gives everyone the right to bust on it. Anyway, the NBA team situation is really interesting. Here, you have a chance to go play for the Russian version of Mark Cuban...someone who has attitude, passion, deep pockets, and the will to do anything to get his team winning. However, the downside is you have to play one more year in the armpit of the universe before moving to Brooklyn. I want to see Calipari recruit there, dammit. I think I would do it though. If I was Deron, I would stay. Ride this one out, bro. Speaking of Jersey, there are not actual Nets or Devils fans. If you go far enough south, everyone is all about Philly teams. If you go far enough north, you root for NY teams. I would go further on this joke, but Putty was a Devils fan and that episode was pretty damn funny.
18. Ubaldo Jimenez's downfall is perplexing to me. It is not like he is pulling a Rick Ankiel. He still is hitting spots. The movement is just not as nasty, and the velocity is a little down. Everyone just suddenly figured him out. It is like the 101 Dalmations barking chain on crack. It is like a scene out of Independence Day. "Tell them how to bring those sons of bitches down."
19. Michael Floyd is on 1 year probation for his DUI. One more, and he goes on double secret probation.
20. I went to Panic Sunday. I went there with my buddy with no tickets, and no plans. When I started to get down because we couldn't find tickets, he had to remind me of the one truth in my life. NOTHING goes wrong during a Panic show for me. Everything unknown just works out. I will make this short, and of course, edited. My WSP buddy, who I usually ride up with on an orange school bus, was out of contact. I suggested to my buddy that we go sit under a tree we sat under last year when we were having fun. Some Karma rationale. I sat there for ten minutes and dreamed of a school bus, testing my Panic past. It appeared. Like the freaking cavalry. It wasn't my buddies unfortunately. But, they had tickets. Things went like clockwork after that moment. They covered "No Sugar Tonight," "Sultans of Swing," and did their first "Wild Thing" in 886 shows. Amazing. One of these years, I am going to go without money. tickets, and clothes to really test the limits.
21. Finally (well, except for the usual last take), God bless you Lorenzo Charles. We will miss you. You were a great dude. And people forget you got drafted also, so it wasn't just that one shot. You were good. But Tyree could play ten more years, and he will be remembered for what? It doesn't matter what the heck Bryce Drew does in coaching. Larry Brown could win the Pulitzer (actually, he is probably too busy hanging with Vin Baker and Jayson Werth right now). Lorenzo personally wrecked the legacy of what might have been one of the best collection of college players in Phi Slamma Jamma...who netted 2 Hall of Famers eventually. You did it with one of the most memorable plays of all time in the tourney. You also gave one of the most beloved coaches his championship. Thanks for everything, Lorenzo.
22. See? 22 takes. I am getting more concise. Anyway, thanks to Taint for getting me to start writing this Rant, but you will always be a hooker.
P.S. due to the absence of a "sky is blue, grass is green take," there will be two next time.
As one shepherd said to the other shepherd, I am getting the flock out of here...
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
062411...NBA Draft Analysis included
In no order of chronology or order of importance...
1. What a freaking great story. Cheesy, but wholesome. The Morris twins are born 7 minutes apart out of their mother's womb. Then, they become superstar basketball players and both go to Kansas. The NBA draft comes along. They get drafted HOW LONG apart??? 7 minutes...and some change. Don't ruin the story by breaking this down into seconds.
2. I hear this cult starting that there is supposed to be only one space after a period when you are typing. You can't do this shit. I am in my 30's, people. There are rules you can change and rules you can't. What sucks is I think about it when I involuntarily put the two spaces there. Anyone have Kareem's phone number? I want to know what the hell he did when they changed the rules and told him he couldn't dunk. We can talk a lot about statues and sky hooks. I wish it was the Wilt Chamberlain rule. And, of course, I wish he was still alive. Then, I could listen to him convince me he wasn't Bill Russell's bitch and he could tell me about hookers.
3. USC ex WR Lonnie White has come out and said he made 14k while at USC. Listen, this all entertaining, but can some successful USC player come out and tell us money stories? Are you guys hurting for cash or something? Mike Webster lived in his car after he retired and I didn't hear any bitching from him. You and that other dude (it was Ray something, but I forget his last name...and Ray Guy, get out of my head. Punters were covered in the last rant) stop talking...or change your name to something that Ochocinco or Metta World Peace would envy.
4. I might start another blog. I don't have enough time to cover Ron Artest in this column. Metta World Peace? Chad at least pulls his jersey number and you pull that? I can't keep track of you, bro. I admit it. Diego Maradona and Dwight Gooden are sitting around a coffee table brainstorming on names to change to right now. Was there a brick in that concession stand cup that was thrown at you, Ron? Dude, you are a stud on defense. You got your ring. Be like a TV show and go on hiatus.
5. Roddick just got eliminated from Wimbledon. No. I am saving the grass is green joke just in case I need it. How can you not be better? I appreciate you at least not teasing us anymore by making the finals these days. It hurts my head to think about how many tournaments you blazed all of the early rounds and then looked like you were Justin Verlander pitching both games of a double header after a complete game. I still remember you saying that YOU wanted to be known as ARod back in the day. Your backwards hat was adorable, your game is strong, but you have to win some shit before asking for a nickname. I will call you Coco from now on and Nadal T-Bone. No. I will not explain that joke.
6. The Nike enterprise is a success, to put it lightly. However, is their marketing team having a contest of who can use the least amount of letters for their slogan. "Just do it" was back in the day. Now, you are getting press for your "Get High" slogan. I want to play you bastards at Scrabble. I just chuckled out loud when I wrote bastards. It is a Seinfeld thing.
7. Two recruiting takes. Yes. I actually read all of them. Not only do I have a natural affinity to lists in general, but I want to know who is coming up. Virginia was ranked by rivals higher than Virginia Tech in football recruit rankings. People. This is news. We use to be good at basketball AND football. We had a basketball team that came within a half of Arkansas of making me eat Ramen for the next 2 years. We had a football team who traditionally started 6-0 and ended up 7-4. At least the Va Tech game was a game we could win. Maybe the tide is turning in both sports. Because as Dennis Leary once said, "you got to have goals."
8. 2nd recruiting take. What the FUCK is Calipari doing to recruit these kids? If there isn't a story about money allegations or sexual favors in the next 10 years against him, I will go on eBay with all of my savings to bid for a dinner with him. What the hell does he say? He loses players every year, jacks up my bracket annually by either overachieving or underachieving, and has the...ready?...#2, #3, #5, and #22 recruits...IN THE LAND. You have to be freaking kidding me. 2,3,5,22? Recruiting at Kentucky is not exactly like MacGyver making a bomb out of an ink pen, bamboo shoot, and cologne, but that is ridiculous.
9. So, I just watched UVA take out their pitcher after he got 8 strikeouts in the first 9 batters. Then South Carolina scored twice to take the lead. I am not rich. I only have one TV. However. Hypothetically, if I did have two TV's, my entire next take would be on how I threw something and broke my "other" TV. Moving on.
10. This is the broken TV honorary take.
11. I hope I am right about the tide turning, because I just reread my last take and realized how suddenly passionate I am about sports like soccer, lacrosse, and baseball. UVA brainwashed me. I feel like I am in the sports version of Matrix or Men in Black or something. Dammit. I had the joke at the tip of my tongue and let it go. Sorry.
12. Speaking of Matrix, I had an interesting conversation yesterday. Here it is. The grass is green, the sky is blue, and Keanu Reeves is a bad actor. We all agree. I would worry about doing an intervention if someone said with a straight face that he was. However, I talked with a movie guy who HATED him. HATED. He hated Keanu possibly more than I hate the band The Eagles. No. That would be impossible. Anyway, he has never seen The Matrix. I told him he needed to. It didn't win any Oscars, but it is like if you had to rank two roles that were made for Mr. Reeves, it would be Bill and Ted's and Matrix. Watchable movie. I then walked out of the room and realized I just defended Keanu Reeves and felt a little silly. Especially since I compared it to the Star Wars progression. You know. First one is both 4 and 5 while Luke learns how to be a Jedi. Then in Matrix Reloaded and Return of the Jedi, they both come out and you are going..."yeah...he is a badass now..."
13. Nugent-Hopkins was the number one NHL pick. I have no take on this, except I wish I had some hyphenated name. I think it would be cool.
14. The NBA draft was in Newark NJ this year. I didn't even care about their experience at the draft, I am just glad everyone made it to their cars in one piece.
15. OK. I PROMISED I would make these things shorter. So, Although I was going to break down the whole draft, I am going to test myself and give one line analysis for the first 15 picks.
SPEED VERSION (some jokes, some notes):
Irving-Cavs...correct pick, and you need someone passing to those guys who can't shoot. I hope the cliche is right...he makes others better
Williams-Wolves...too slow to guard a 3, too short to guard a 4. More proof that a good run in the tourney gets you noticed. I like him as a personality though. He is like a polite Charles Barkley
Kanter-Jazz...I see his name and just think about what if he was on the floor when Kentucky ruined my bracket.
Thompson-Cavs...This guy is a player. I like this pick to pair with Irving.
Valanciunas-Raptors...The camera panned off him luckily before he cussed in a foreign tongue. Something about a dead end and Toronto...
Vesely-Wizards...Impressed that he knew who Blake Griffin was and impressed by the hotness of his chick. My only concern is if he carries a gun to protect her.
Byambo-Kings...It is like Cousin's mom said to him the other day. "How can anyone not like you?" (Seinfeld reference and Cousins joke-pay attention)
Knight-Pistons...You got him this late? Who cares what position he plays and the fact that you just tapped Stuckey in the nuts?
Walker-Bobcats...Hello, Kemba. I also won an NCAA championship. Sit your ass down.
Fredette-Bucks...If Jennings wasn't a joker before, he is now. Tell jokes, Brandon, and bring back the Kid n Play hairdo.
Thompson-Warriors...I have nothing to say. Who? Why? Where? What?
Burks-Jazz...GREAT pick. Hey, people before them, you are idiots.
Morris-Suns...When they play Houston, we will REALLY test his court vision. Damn, I forgot about the different color uniform thing. I hate it when I start a joke and then realize it won't work.
Morris-Rockets...Seriously, an adorable story. 7 minutes.
Leonard-Pacers...You, Jimmer, and Kemba can compete for coolest first name, but I would take you for my team...kind of confused what position you will play since Granger already has the 3 and is an All-Star, but that is why I am just a blogger.
16. I am stopping. See? I am getting shorter in these things. Taint...yeah you...who me...yeah you...get out of my car...and you are a hooker.
1. What a freaking great story. Cheesy, but wholesome. The Morris twins are born 7 minutes apart out of their mother's womb. Then, they become superstar basketball players and both go to Kansas. The NBA draft comes along. They get drafted HOW LONG apart??? 7 minutes...and some change. Don't ruin the story by breaking this down into seconds.
2. I hear this cult starting that there is supposed to be only one space after a period when you are typing. You can't do this shit. I am in my 30's, people. There are rules you can change and rules you can't. What sucks is I think about it when I involuntarily put the two spaces there. Anyone have Kareem's phone number? I want to know what the hell he did when they changed the rules and told him he couldn't dunk. We can talk a lot about statues and sky hooks. I wish it was the Wilt Chamberlain rule. And, of course, I wish he was still alive. Then, I could listen to him convince me he wasn't Bill Russell's bitch and he could tell me about hookers.
3. USC ex WR Lonnie White has come out and said he made 14k while at USC. Listen, this all entertaining, but can some successful USC player come out and tell us money stories? Are you guys hurting for cash or something? Mike Webster lived in his car after he retired and I didn't hear any bitching from him. You and that other dude (it was Ray something, but I forget his last name...and Ray Guy, get out of my head. Punters were covered in the last rant) stop talking...or change your name to something that Ochocinco or Metta World Peace would envy.
4. I might start another blog. I don't have enough time to cover Ron Artest in this column. Metta World Peace? Chad at least pulls his jersey number and you pull that? I can't keep track of you, bro. I admit it. Diego Maradona and Dwight Gooden are sitting around a coffee table brainstorming on names to change to right now. Was there a brick in that concession stand cup that was thrown at you, Ron? Dude, you are a stud on defense. You got your ring. Be like a TV show and go on hiatus.
5. Roddick just got eliminated from Wimbledon. No. I am saving the grass is green joke just in case I need it. How can you not be better? I appreciate you at least not teasing us anymore by making the finals these days. It hurts my head to think about how many tournaments you blazed all of the early rounds and then looked like you were Justin Verlander pitching both games of a double header after a complete game. I still remember you saying that YOU wanted to be known as ARod back in the day. Your backwards hat was adorable, your game is strong, but you have to win some shit before asking for a nickname. I will call you Coco from now on and Nadal T-Bone. No. I will not explain that joke.
6. The Nike enterprise is a success, to put it lightly. However, is their marketing team having a contest of who can use the least amount of letters for their slogan. "Just do it" was back in the day. Now, you are getting press for your "Get High" slogan. I want to play you bastards at Scrabble. I just chuckled out loud when I wrote bastards. It is a Seinfeld thing.
7. Two recruiting takes. Yes. I actually read all of them. Not only do I have a natural affinity to lists in general, but I want to know who is coming up. Virginia was ranked by rivals higher than Virginia Tech in football recruit rankings. People. This is news. We use to be good at basketball AND football. We had a basketball team that came within a half of Arkansas of making me eat Ramen for the next 2 years. We had a football team who traditionally started 6-0 and ended up 7-4. At least the Va Tech game was a game we could win. Maybe the tide is turning in both sports. Because as Dennis Leary once said, "you got to have goals."
8. 2nd recruiting take. What the FUCK is Calipari doing to recruit these kids? If there isn't a story about money allegations or sexual favors in the next 10 years against him, I will go on eBay with all of my savings to bid for a dinner with him. What the hell does he say? He loses players every year, jacks up my bracket annually by either overachieving or underachieving, and has the...ready?...#2, #3, #5, and #22 recruits...IN THE LAND. You have to be freaking kidding me. 2,3,5,22? Recruiting at Kentucky is not exactly like MacGyver making a bomb out of an ink pen, bamboo shoot, and cologne, but that is ridiculous.
9. So, I just watched UVA take out their pitcher after he got 8 strikeouts in the first 9 batters. Then South Carolina scored twice to take the lead. I am not rich. I only have one TV. However. Hypothetically, if I did have two TV's, my entire next take would be on how I threw something and broke my "other" TV. Moving on.
10. This is the broken TV honorary take.
11. I hope I am right about the tide turning, because I just reread my last take and realized how suddenly passionate I am about sports like soccer, lacrosse, and baseball. UVA brainwashed me. I feel like I am in the sports version of Matrix or Men in Black or something. Dammit. I had the joke at the tip of my tongue and let it go. Sorry.
12. Speaking of Matrix, I had an interesting conversation yesterday. Here it is. The grass is green, the sky is blue, and Keanu Reeves is a bad actor. We all agree. I would worry about doing an intervention if someone said with a straight face that he was. However, I talked with a movie guy who HATED him. HATED. He hated Keanu possibly more than I hate the band The Eagles. No. That would be impossible. Anyway, he has never seen The Matrix. I told him he needed to. It didn't win any Oscars, but it is like if you had to rank two roles that were made for Mr. Reeves, it would be Bill and Ted's and Matrix. Watchable movie. I then walked out of the room and realized I just defended Keanu Reeves and felt a little silly. Especially since I compared it to the Star Wars progression. You know. First one is both 4 and 5 while Luke learns how to be a Jedi. Then in Matrix Reloaded and Return of the Jedi, they both come out and you are going..."yeah...he is a badass now..."
13. Nugent-Hopkins was the number one NHL pick. I have no take on this, except I wish I had some hyphenated name. I think it would be cool.
14. The NBA draft was in Newark NJ this year. I didn't even care about their experience at the draft, I am just glad everyone made it to their cars in one piece.
15. OK. I PROMISED I would make these things shorter. So, Although I was going to break down the whole draft, I am going to test myself and give one line analysis for the first 15 picks.
SPEED VERSION (some jokes, some notes):
Irving-Cavs...correct pick, and you need someone passing to those guys who can't shoot. I hope the cliche is right...he makes others better
Williams-Wolves...too slow to guard a 3, too short to guard a 4. More proof that a good run in the tourney gets you noticed. I like him as a personality though. He is like a polite Charles Barkley
Kanter-Jazz...I see his name and just think about what if he was on the floor when Kentucky ruined my bracket.
Thompson-Cavs...This guy is a player. I like this pick to pair with Irving.
Valanciunas-Raptors...The camera panned off him luckily before he cussed in a foreign tongue. Something about a dead end and Toronto...
Vesely-Wizards...Impressed that he knew who Blake Griffin was and impressed by the hotness of his chick. My only concern is if he carries a gun to protect her.
Byambo-Kings...It is like Cousin's mom said to him the other day. "How can anyone not like you?" (Seinfeld reference and Cousins joke-pay attention)
Knight-Pistons...You got him this late? Who cares what position he plays and the fact that you just tapped Stuckey in the nuts?
Walker-Bobcats...Hello, Kemba. I also won an NCAA championship. Sit your ass down.
Fredette-Bucks...If Jennings wasn't a joker before, he is now. Tell jokes, Brandon, and bring back the Kid n Play hairdo.
Thompson-Warriors...I have nothing to say. Who? Why? Where? What?
Burks-Jazz...GREAT pick. Hey, people before them, you are idiots.
Morris-Suns...When they play Houston, we will REALLY test his court vision. Damn, I forgot about the different color uniform thing. I hate it when I start a joke and then realize it won't work.
Morris-Rockets...Seriously, an adorable story. 7 minutes.
Leonard-Pacers...You, Jimmer, and Kemba can compete for coolest first name, but I would take you for my team...kind of confused what position you will play since Granger already has the 3 and is an All-Star, but that is why I am just a blogger.
16. I am stopping. See? I am getting shorter in these things. Taint...yeah you...who me...yeah you...get out of my car...and you are a hooker.
062311
The Rant
by The Fillerbuster11
Read it, don't read it, I don't care...I just need to get some things off my chest...
In particular order of chronology or importance...
1. I usually don't start this way. I usually do it mid to late rant, but this is necessary. Did anyone see this coming? All the hoopla in the freaking world would not have swayed me from seeing this one coming. Hell, if I was still betting, which thank God I am not, I would have bet my first and last rent on this thing going straight sets. Isner-Mahut. 138 games last year just in the final set. Oddly enough getting a rematch? 2 hours this time? Straight sets? Shut up, devil's advocates. I know two of the sets went to a tiebreaker. This was as predictable as me not finding a parking spot on a Friday night in my neighborhood. As predictable as me occupying a bar sometime during the weekend. As predictable as me attending Widespread Panic when they are in a 200 mile concentric (rusty on geometry...does that reference make sense?) circle. As predictable as...ok I'm done.
2. More UNC football allegations? Traffic tickets and more, guys. Does anyone else find it odd that they are cheating and they still suck? There sure as hell aren't any championships or Heisman Trophies to take away.
3. The Philadelphia Flyers didn't make the playoffs. They were at the bottom of the league. Hold on..what? They were pretty good? Then what the f%^&? Well, then, I am glad I am home drinking and our GM knows what he is doing, because trading away Carter and Richards is idiotic to me. Settle down, Filler. You just sell signage software. There HAS to be a reason why that GM knows what he is doing. Right? RIGHT???
4. I see that ex Florida CB Jenkins has a new direction in life. By that I mean, he found North Alabama. Screw my last rant's hypothetical bet on SW Missouri State to make a bowl. I am all about the Tide...damn...or whatever the hell their mascot is. I am not allowed to go on Google to look, but I am sure my next joke would have been funny once I found out. There is no way you are passing to that side of the field if you are their opponent. Nice, Janoris.
5. So I looked up the NHL awards. I won't even comment on Lidstrom winning the Norris with a -2 Plus/ Minus (sorry, Soup), but do they award the Lady Byng later?? Did I go to the wrong site? I am always curious who is the nicest guy amongst the nastiest (Ms. Jackson if you want to be nasty) dudes in sports.
6. I meant to look the details up before my rant, but what the hell is up with the infield fly rule existing in college baseball? I want to take an aluminum bat to the next umpire who makes that call. Total BS people.
7. One of the Predator sisters cried after she won a first round Wimbledon match. Is there any need to make a joke here. I think not. I am already smiling. Join the party.
8. NFL talks...does anyone else feel like every time we get an update, we are just hitting snooze on our $7 digital alarm clock?
9. Paul Konerko is red hot. Does anyone else feel like he might go on a hitting streak when we are 50? I know sports, and I bet I couldn't get within 3 years of his age even if I won that North Alabama bowl bet.
10. Landon Donovan is the stud, but give me Clint Dempsey on my team any day of the week. Dude is like Mark Madsen on crack...and no, I have not seen him dance...just talking about heart and effort.
11. Riggleman is leaving the Nationals after being a hot team? Yes, people, I totally get him being pissed off on one-year contracts, That is still like Costanza leaving on a high note from meetings though.
12. Rory is taking 3 weeks off. Dude, just check back in when the street lights are on or when the British Open starts. Whatever you want. Enjoy this shit. Wear a red shirt on the trails by the beach. Just tell us if it is because you are going to shoot red numbers or if it is because you are out for blood. I am not a believer that you are taking my boy's crown, but soak this shit up. Take Dirk with you, and tell him to stop debating playing a ridiculous tourney for the Germans. You both should take it easy and get laid. Just stay away from getting breakfast at Perkins.
13. Oregon gets busted for paying money for old recruiting info. Slow down, people. Read it again. One more time... Nevermind, the funny part of that headline is OLD.
14. I don't care what you guys say. Winger had a hit "Seventeen" and then got grouped into the Trixter, Poison, Dokken, Enough's Enough, Warrant, etc. group. I LIKE the rest of their songs. I even own one of Kip's solo CD's. Yes. He made a solo CD. Actually, two. And I enjoy listening to it...whatever
15. Jagr might go to the Pens or Wings? Damn. We already did the sky is blue segment on the first take. SEE? THAT is why I keep it in the holster.
16. The CWS is fun because you see pitchers with Eye Black and managers who pull the guy out of right field to pitch in relief.
17. UVA lost to South Carolina. They actually got smoked. However, know that they are winning right now against Cal, that they blew their chance when they had bases loaded in the fifth with 1 out and got nothing, and were EXTREMELY bothered by the sidearm pitching of Jonathan Taylor. It was like the entire lineup had never seen a sidearm pitcher. You know what? My son that I most likely will never have will not be that punter making 300k a year for 20 years like I planned. He will be a sidearm pitcher. Done and done.
18. On a serious note (sorry if you fell down from that statement), the story about the kid Charlie who beat cancer and beat it with the help of the support of the Gamecocks (he is their bat boy) was extremely touching. Google it (hey, when i say that now, this website's owner can consider it an ad...Hey YouTube, call me). Great story.
19. Laimbeer got interviewed for the Pistons. I am happy with that, but can you at least give Zeke a chance? You guys think it is a coincidence that I have that odd number "11" after my name for no reason?
20. Hey, people. If you guys ever get to be an NBA coach, and don't get invited to all of the conferences, the meetings, and still think you have a job, I think you should wear your goggles the next time you are seen in public. Sorry, Kurt.
21. Did anyone else notice that Kurt Herbstreit had serious tan lines around his eyes in that "family first" commercial? I didn't know you knew Rory and Dirk that well, Kurt.
22. Nash traded? Parker traded? Even though none of it ends up true (and yes, I fell off the couch when Ray Allen and Garnett actually went to Boston a few years ago), it is still fun.
23. The Flyers and Rangers will play in next year's Winter Classic. On a side note, I LOVE this event. It is so much fun watching outdoor hockey. I just hope they don't replace the Flyers after those two trades. (do NOT write back how the guys back are good. I am aware. The take was about the fact that a team who wasn't making the playoffs would make those trades, not a team that was a Pronger injury and a semi-hot goal-tender away from making a run.
24. OK. I have new rules. Instead of 60 or 70 takes, I have made promises. So, I am cutting it off now. I will not talk about McKeon's first win (how cute), Riley's comments on LeBron and his coach (they start slow next year and he will be put on the lie detector), any baseball at all (next time I promise), NASCAR fining the Gibbs racing team (do pit crews really make that much to afford those fines?), Ohio State (Yawn), Reyes saying no contract talks during season (how noble), or Li Na losing in the2nd round after her French victory (like Chandler once said to Joey, "TOO MANY JOKES"). Hey, check that out. That was a lot like The Colbert Report's "The Word." I should have a take on bears next week.
25. AND, FINALLY, just because I am public, doesn't mean you escape. Hell, I have you to thank for this motivation and this rant. This thing started 99% about a hooker who I was engaged to, and has morphed into an all sports "rant." Much love, Taint.
Like one shepherd said to the other shepherd, let's get the flock out of here...
by The Fillerbuster11
Read it, don't read it, I don't care...I just need to get some things off my chest...
In particular order of chronology or importance...
1. I usually don't start this way. I usually do it mid to late rant, but this is necessary. Did anyone see this coming? All the hoopla in the freaking world would not have swayed me from seeing this one coming. Hell, if I was still betting, which thank God I am not, I would have bet my first and last rent on this thing going straight sets. Isner-Mahut. 138 games last year just in the final set. Oddly enough getting a rematch? 2 hours this time? Straight sets? Shut up, devil's advocates. I know two of the sets went to a tiebreaker. This was as predictable as me not finding a parking spot on a Friday night in my neighborhood. As predictable as me occupying a bar sometime during the weekend. As predictable as me attending Widespread Panic when they are in a 200 mile concentric (rusty on geometry...does that reference make sense?) circle. As predictable as...ok I'm done.
2. More UNC football allegations? Traffic tickets and more, guys. Does anyone else find it odd that they are cheating and they still suck? There sure as hell aren't any championships or Heisman Trophies to take away.
3. The Philadelphia Flyers didn't make the playoffs. They were at the bottom of the league. Hold on..what? They were pretty good? Then what the f%^&? Well, then, I am glad I am home drinking and our GM knows what he is doing, because trading away Carter and Richards is idiotic to me. Settle down, Filler. You just sell signage software. There HAS to be a reason why that GM knows what he is doing. Right? RIGHT???
4. I see that ex Florida CB Jenkins has a new direction in life. By that I mean, he found North Alabama. Screw my last rant's hypothetical bet on SW Missouri State to make a bowl. I am all about the Tide...damn...or whatever the hell their mascot is. I am not allowed to go on Google to look, but I am sure my next joke would have been funny once I found out. There is no way you are passing to that side of the field if you are their opponent. Nice, Janoris.
5. So I looked up the NHL awards. I won't even comment on Lidstrom winning the Norris with a -2 Plus/ Minus (sorry, Soup), but do they award the Lady Byng later?? Did I go to the wrong site? I am always curious who is the nicest guy amongst the nastiest (Ms. Jackson if you want to be nasty) dudes in sports.
6. I meant to look the details up before my rant, but what the hell is up with the infield fly rule existing in college baseball? I want to take an aluminum bat to the next umpire who makes that call. Total BS people.
7. One of the Predator sisters cried after she won a first round Wimbledon match. Is there any need to make a joke here. I think not. I am already smiling. Join the party.
8. NFL talks...does anyone else feel like every time we get an update, we are just hitting snooze on our $7 digital alarm clock?
9. Paul Konerko is red hot. Does anyone else feel like he might go on a hitting streak when we are 50? I know sports, and I bet I couldn't get within 3 years of his age even if I won that North Alabama bowl bet.
10. Landon Donovan is the stud, but give me Clint Dempsey on my team any day of the week. Dude is like Mark Madsen on crack...and no, I have not seen him dance...just talking about heart and effort.
11. Riggleman is leaving the Nationals after being a hot team? Yes, people, I totally get him being pissed off on one-year contracts, That is still like Costanza leaving on a high note from meetings though.
12. Rory is taking 3 weeks off. Dude, just check back in when the street lights are on or when the British Open starts. Whatever you want. Enjoy this shit. Wear a red shirt on the trails by the beach. Just tell us if it is because you are going to shoot red numbers or if it is because you are out for blood. I am not a believer that you are taking my boy's crown, but soak this shit up. Take Dirk with you, and tell him to stop debating playing a ridiculous tourney for the Germans. You both should take it easy and get laid. Just stay away from getting breakfast at Perkins.
13. Oregon gets busted for paying money for old recruiting info. Slow down, people. Read it again. One more time... Nevermind, the funny part of that headline is OLD.
14. I don't care what you guys say. Winger had a hit "Seventeen" and then got grouped into the Trixter, Poison, Dokken, Enough's Enough, Warrant, etc. group. I LIKE the rest of their songs. I even own one of Kip's solo CD's. Yes. He made a solo CD. Actually, two. And I enjoy listening to it...whatever
15. Jagr might go to the Pens or Wings? Damn. We already did the sky is blue segment on the first take. SEE? THAT is why I keep it in the holster.
16. The CWS is fun because you see pitchers with Eye Black and managers who pull the guy out of right field to pitch in relief.
17. UVA lost to South Carolina. They actually got smoked. However, know that they are winning right now against Cal, that they blew their chance when they had bases loaded in the fifth with 1 out and got nothing, and were EXTREMELY bothered by the sidearm pitching of Jonathan Taylor. It was like the entire lineup had never seen a sidearm pitcher. You know what? My son that I most likely will never have will not be that punter making 300k a year for 20 years like I planned. He will be a sidearm pitcher. Done and done.
18. On a serious note (sorry if you fell down from that statement), the story about the kid Charlie who beat cancer and beat it with the help of the support of the Gamecocks (he is their bat boy) was extremely touching. Google it (hey, when i say that now, this website's owner can consider it an ad...Hey YouTube, call me). Great story.
19. Laimbeer got interviewed for the Pistons. I am happy with that, but can you at least give Zeke a chance? You guys think it is a coincidence that I have that odd number "11" after my name for no reason?
20. Hey, people. If you guys ever get to be an NBA coach, and don't get invited to all of the conferences, the meetings, and still think you have a job, I think you should wear your goggles the next time you are seen in public. Sorry, Kurt.
21. Did anyone else notice that Kurt Herbstreit had serious tan lines around his eyes in that "family first" commercial? I didn't know you knew Rory and Dirk that well, Kurt.
22. Nash traded? Parker traded? Even though none of it ends up true (and yes, I fell off the couch when Ray Allen and Garnett actually went to Boston a few years ago), it is still fun.
23. The Flyers and Rangers will play in next year's Winter Classic. On a side note, I LOVE this event. It is so much fun watching outdoor hockey. I just hope they don't replace the Flyers after those two trades. (do NOT write back how the guys back are good. I am aware. The take was about the fact that a team who wasn't making the playoffs would make those trades, not a team that was a Pronger injury and a semi-hot goal-tender away from making a run.
24. OK. I have new rules. Instead of 60 or 70 takes, I have made promises. So, I am cutting it off now. I will not talk about McKeon's first win (how cute), Riley's comments on LeBron and his coach (they start slow next year and he will be put on the lie detector), any baseball at all (next time I promise), NASCAR fining the Gibbs racing team (do pit crews really make that much to afford those fines?), Ohio State (Yawn), Reyes saying no contract talks during season (how noble), or Li Na losing in the2nd round after her French victory (like Chandler once said to Joey, "TOO MANY JOKES"). Hey, check that out. That was a lot like The Colbert Report's "The Word." I should have a take on bears next week.
25. AND, FINALLY, just because I am public, doesn't mean you escape. Hell, I have you to thank for this motivation and this rant. This thing started 99% about a hooker who I was engaged to, and has morphed into an all sports "rant." Much love, Taint.
Like one shepherd said to the other shepherd, let's get the flock out of here...
Thursday, June 23, 2011
060111
THE RANT
By The Fillerbuster
06/01/2011
“Read it, don’t read it, I don’t care…just getting some things off my chest…”
In no chronological order or order of importance…forgive some of the stuff if it is a bit dated-I have been on hiatus…
1. You know a movie is good when you own it, a blowout NBA playoff game is on, the cuss words are not even subbed (they are blanked out-thanks BET), and a game 7 for NHL is in the 2nd period. I hadn’t checked you out in a while, Training Day. If you have never made time to watch this flick, do it tonight.
2. Does anyone else think I should go take a ride down to Littleton and collect on this bet? Back in early 2000, I used to come into the sports bar I worked at and get a feed for Ohio high school basketball before my shift. Everyone thought I was nuts. My GM asked me who I was coming into see. I told him, and we made a friendly $100 bet that he wouldn’t last ten years in the league. I left, the bar got shut down, and I know where he works now. The basketball player’s name is LeBron. It is not like I was splitting the atom, but not a bad call, aye? Can we forgive the fact it hasn’t been 10 years yet?
3. Is Tickethorse the same company as Ticketmaster, or was there a sudden power shift? In a related story, Burger King suddenly has arches outside their locations.
4. I think Harden should have gotten more 6th man votes for looking like a bad ass. Like Manu got more votes a few years ago for having a bald spot.
5. Jimmer and Kemba going 1-2 for the Naismith award is like remembering that Charlie Ward, Heath Schuler, and David Palmer went before Marshall Faulk in the NFL draft in 1993. It is not going to pan out guys. You will have a job, but that is about it.
6. I am lost in NBA basketball. I now hate LeBron because he parlayed a supersquad. I don’t like my second favorite player because he is now with LeBron. Iverson is racing Lamborghini’s in Atlanta between leg growths from Turkish basketball. I can’t keep track where Jason Williams is playing anymore, and now he is too old to pass behind his back. Tom Chambers is retired. People don’t even remember how good Zeke was because he keeps messing up organizations and leagues. SOMEONE hire Hubie Brown. Although I will miss him announcing, I will finally get the NBA package just to watch him coach.
7. I deserve this job. I want to be the guy who figured out that the last time Verlander threw a no-hitter, the Wings also won in a long series against San Jose. I want that free time. Seriously. Of course, as much as I am impressed about this detail, they lost.
8. I get tired of writers talking smack about fighters who withdraw from a fight because of illness or injury. This isn’t basketball. This isn’t even football. This is called going in mano y mano against some guy who wants to kill you. If I am not near 100%, I would back out too. Wouldn’t you? Michael scores 63 with the flu and you believe him. Some guy gives you a concussion in a big fight, and you say you had a temperature before the fight-ain’t no Rocky movie…
9. Good job, dude. Janoris Jenkins was rated as the number one CB for next year’s draft. Then he gets kicked off the team because he gets high. Stellar, bro.
10. SOOOOOO rooting for Dirk in these playoffs now. However, what is the cliché? Lack of better options. Sorry, Dirk, you are like taking the semi-hot female bartender home after her shift and banging her. Not a great story in itself, but no one has to know that you struck out on everyone else who wasn’t working. Just sounds cool that you sold the bartender, and that you have a hookup on drinks until you stop calling her.
11. Does anyone else feel like ten years from now that Parker, Manu, and Duncan will still be on the Spurs?
12. Does anyone else think it is ironic that we laugh at golfers and how unathletic they are, and then the most athletic golfer ever has to keep bowing out because of injuries? Tim Herron never even gets the flu?
13. Tressel resigns. Who would have thought a guy in a sweater vest could have been so naughty? He is the Dr. Dre of sweater vest people. Meanwhile, the media is prepping itself for the longest, most drawn out coaching search for a top 5 job we have ever seen. You thought Brett Favre’s retirement was painful and long? You are right. My bad. There is nothing that will be longer than that. That was like Renee Zellweger in one of her large girl parts taping herself running a marathon. Just pick up the phone, Urban, and put us out of our misery.
14. I had a separate take on Terrelle Pryor, but I don’t want this to be too one school dominated. Am I allowed to use one of my Marcus Vick jokes again? Nevermind, I will steer away from that-too easy.
15. JR Hildebrand. Listen. I will never pretend that I can drive 200 mph. However, would they have called you a sissy or something in the locker room, or wherever you guys go after a race, if you would have slowed down on the last lap of the 500 with a 4 second spot? Please tell me you were on record time or something. Thanks for ruining the rest of my day though. I had to go back and watch the tape of the ’99 British Open. Hey, look at the bright side. At least you are famous now.
16. With relatively big name actors in both, I find it odd that two movies about bad teachers and horrible bosses are coming out within a month of each other. Is Sinister Guidance Counselors around the bend?
17. I am so happy for UVA lacrosse, but after being entrenched with the sport for an entire weekend, I have never seen a sport needing a shot clock more than LAX.
18. If you did get to watch and listen to the games, there is no need to remind me how bad the UVA band is. Actually, they are better now so I hear. When I went there, they were called the Pep Band and actually prided themselves on being the worst band in the stadium each night. Trust me. There is no “i” in UVA, but we would never have to worry about having a celebrity dot the “i” even if it did. Damn, an accidental OSU reference.
19. Dibs to my colleague, Brian, for owning up to a bet on the DU-UVA semifinal game in LAX. Everyone on this list knows I would have gladly done the same thing in a heartbeat if I lost, but he did it in style also. He had to wear UVA magic marker on both cheeks for a workday.
20. Hey, Denver Post. Get your abbreviations correct or someone call me and let me know when in the last 38 years of my life did PHI switch to PHL. Did the band Phish join the major leagues and we are worried about causing confusion? By the way, if they did, can someone let me know when they play the Rockies? No reason.
21. Damn. I tried to listen to Hubie Brown on ESPN radio to watch Game 1 of the NBA finals. I love his commentary, but the delay was too much. 7 seconds for a guy who is the opposite of Samuel Jackson, and WOULDN’T sound cool cussing.
22. Speaking of Hubie Brown and quality, where did Bill Walton go as an announcer? I hated listening to him so much that it was like watching the first 5 minutes of CSI Miami. It was so bad that I just couldn’t turn away. Plus, I miss his “that was the greatest steal in the last 20 years by a left handed guard in the Eastern Conference who is less than 6 feet tall on an away court…”
23. Watching a bad Seinfeld is like trying to figure out which was the worst Wooden coached UCLA championship teams. Bottom line. I will take any of those teams over any of your teams.
24. I hear Tate Forcier was hanging out of a window recently. When you are done flowcharting how many times you and Mitch Mustain have transferred and somehow remained in the news since you both were the #1 ranked quarterbacks coming out of high school, could you tell me the window story?
25. Bryce Drew recently took over Valpo basketball. Something tells me that instead of quoting Wooden or Knight, that there will be a DVD player in the locker room when he makes his speeches.
26. Poor Kareem. A fake character from a cheesy movie has one in Philly (that was NOT derogatory-he is my boy), and a guy who won 8 championships for the town in college and the pro’s can’t get a sniff. In a recent Sporting News article, the rebuttal from the Lakers was that if there is another statue made, that he is next on that list. Anyone see an argument brewing in about 7-8 years after Kobe rides off into the night?
27. The WVU football coach was recently kicked out of a WV casino at 3am. I don’t know whether I am more surprised that I didn’t find this casino when I drove through there moving out here or that there is actually a town named Nitro in West Virginia.
28. I think I have found my calling. I am pretty sure that I actually like Coke Zero better than regular Coke. Seriously. I do. Get me on that freaking commercial.
29. After watching game 1, I hear Jason Terry is already trying figure out how to spin that Larry O’ Brien tattoo he got last October. Hey, Jet, it’s just a round shiny thing with a base. It could be worse. More on the Finals later.
30. Read Sporting News “Game Changers.” Great article.
31. Garcia is allowed back to South Carolina football. Spurrier must have seen that top 10 preseason ranking and done the math.
32. The Flyers, Penguins, Capitals, Red Wings, and pretty much most of the other teams I care about in either way are out of the Stanley Cup Playoffs, and I am proud to say I still have the finals on while I am writing this. I am not lying. I will also tell you I watch the re-showing of the Reggie Miller movie before I switched over. Guilty.
33. On a serious hockey take, even if Vancouver wins, I will truly believe the road was as paved as it could be for them. Yes, it is the toughest sporting event to win, but the Sharks were the best team they played. Not the wars of past years where one loose puck changes the balance of power.
34. We all want to believe Lance Armstrong. He freaking beat cancer. However, the more people pile on, and the more convincing their argument, and the more true they appear, and the more I think about how badly he won….just saying…I am getting weary.
35. I think Shaq should have waited a little while before retiring. We still have things to talk about in sports. I mean, if he would have waited a few weeks, we can spend full time on air on where he ranks in history as a center, a player, etc. Plus, I LOVE lists. Then, I could put more thought into it instead of being distracted about how boring I think the Stanley Cup Finals are or how the hell the Mavs are going to get free jump shots when the Heat defensive rotation is so fast. By the way, he would still be Russell’s b$%^.
36. I had my apartment key already obviously. I just got the pool key. Then, a day later I get our new HQ key for work. They all look perilously the same. It is going to be a TV moment when I come home from the Pub on Penn Friday night. I have never seen such an obviously confusing moment waiting to happen.
37. Does anyone else think that Nadal’s “injury” has to be one missing leg to not win the French Open?
38. My objective by the end of the finals is to hear 3 consecutive announcers/ analysts to pronounce Dirk’s last name the same way. As Dennis Leary once said, “because you got to have goals…”
39. This oversigning college players is really an interesting topic. And why the hell is the SEC doing it? They already get the best players. Do they have bigger buses too or something?
40. Not many people care, but Clijsters and Wozniacki out of the Open is actually a HUGE story. Why they have the free time, someone ask them when the hell a “Smith” and “Jones” will be the best two players. I am even scared of myself that I think I spelled both their last names correctly since I can’t use Google during a rant.
41. I was wrong on the Masters and Tiger. Sooner or later, if I keep predicting he will win, I will be a genius eventually. OK. He will win the US Open. Yes, I realize that it is like Rick Ankiel coming back a while back with a smaller strike zone. But, dammit. Sticking with my womanizing boy.
42. Geez, people. All Scottie meant with the LeBron comment is that he has more tools to be better. He didn’t say he is. Wow, if John Stockton said the same thing, I would read into it. However, this fool got 6 rings with this guy Jordan and got voted on to the 50 best players list. Look at the source.
43. McHale is hired for the Rockets. Good. You sucked at being an analyst. You ran out of things to say once the Celtics got run. At least you had Celtics memories and Kevin Garnett to talk about then when they were in.
44. I think these WWF wrestlers are spacing out their deaths on purpose. Hey, Hulk, can you squeeze in a Princess Bride 2 before you die next year?
45. I would like to know what Ray Small’s financial status was before he got paid to “come clean” after the whole Tressel and Pryor thing. Damn you OSU. You must really be in the headlines a lot.
46. Interesting. The Lakers hired a coach who couldn’t win with a superstar, pretty much the opposite of what Phil did.
47. Hey, Danica. Will you just win the damn 500 already so I can stop closet watching people turn left?
48. Tate Forcier is thinking about transferring to…damn. He got me again.
49. Has anyone noticed that Jerry always had a hot girl and Elaine’s man was either fat, old, or ugly? Maybe they did actually go out, he did the casting, totally screwed her over, and things don’t work perfectly for ex-lovers after all. Everything makes sense now with this theory.
50. UVA baseball. Good luck, boys. I promise that I will sing our stupid fight song behind closed doors in private.
51. Diego Maradona wins my award for somehow popping up in the headlines at a rate of 6.5 months 25 years after he won the World Cup. You go boy. Dwight Gooden, Strawberry, and Pete Rose are on your heels, but you are winning.
52. Peyton Manning had neck surgery. This story was about as dry and boring as his alarmingly funny personality.
53. The Stow story nearly broke my heart. I am glad they found the guy who did it. My heart goes out to his family. Seriously. Sad story.
54. And thanks, Stows, for suing the team of the game you attended right after I became sad to remind me what this world is all about. You have to be able to sue someone, right?
55. Texas is thinking about making noodling catfish illegal also. I have no take. I just wanted to write a take about noodling.
56. If you didn’t catch Finland’s crazy hockey goal a few weeks ago, check it out. Crazy. Google it.
57. Did you hear about the Massachusetts guy who sold memorabilia for a long time saying his son had cancer? Picking up a chick in a bar weekly suddenly makes me feel better about myself.
58. I am even a fan of the Phillies. Does anyone else feel that Roy Halladay pitches every single day?
59. Hypothetical. If the rumor about Shannon Brown was true with Gasol’s girl, and if you sub in Andrei Kirilenko, would it be OK (as long as it was only once a year)?
60. You know you are reaching and the major sports have fallen since you went to school when you go around bragging about UVA LAX, baseball, and tennis.
61. Chad whatever his name lasted 1.5 seconds on a bull. Word is that Roy Williams was happy this happened since Jerry Jones stopped texting him after hearing this…the next bet is apparently whether he can stay on a bull longer than Dez Bryant’s pants can stay on at a mall.
62. You know the curse of Madden is in people’s heads like Reggie Miller talking shit to Spike when Peyton Hillis is announced as the coverboy.
63. OK. A while back the discussion started with me and another person about my favorite year of Seinfeld. What started out as a simple project became a 2 hour hard-core ordeal of trying to name a top ten. I ended up with ranking the 30 best episodes with a bunch of “honorable mentions.” Yes, I have taken in account all side plots along with prominent storylines of the show. Here goes:
THE | RANKINGS | preliminary |
RANK | EPISODE | YEAR |
1 | The Secret Code | 1995 |
2 | The Hot Tub | 1995 |
3 | The Sniffing Accountant | 1993 |
4 | The Rye | 1996 |
5 | The Contest | 1992 |
6 | The Marine Biologist | 1994 |
7 | The Library | 1991 |
8 | The Fix-Up | 1992 |
9 | The Deal | 1991 |
10 | The Switch | 1995 |
11 | The Mango | 1993 |
12 | The Outing | 1993 |
13 | The Soup Nazi | 1995 |
14 | The Red Dot | 1991 |
15 | The Little Jerry | 1997 |
16 | The Bizarro Jerry | 1996 |
17 | The Opposite | 1994 |
18 | The Boyfriend Part 1 | 1992 |
19 | The Puffy Shirt | 1993 |
20 | The Junior Mint | 1993 |
21 | The Frogger | 1998 |
22 | The Chicken Roaster | 1996 |
23 | The Merv Griffin Show | 1997 |
24 | The Abstinence | 1996 |
25 | The Andrea Doria | 1996 |
26 | The Nap | 1997 |
27 | The Jimmy | 1995 |
28 | The Gynmnast | 1994 |
29 | The Pick | 1992 |
30 | The Dealership | 1997 |
20 | 1994.275862 | |
AVERAGE YEAR-PRIME TIME | ||
HONORABLE MENTION | The Face Painter | 1994 |
The Race | 1994 | |
The Chinese Woman | 1993 | |
The Cigar Store indian | 1993 | |
The Smelly Car | 1995 | |
The Beard | 1994 | |
The Hamptons | 1997 | |
The Voice | 1991 | |
The Revenge | 1991 | |
The Tape | 1995 | |
The Wink | 1995 | |
The Pool Guy | 1995 | |
The Stake-Out | 1990 | |
The Fusilli Jerry | 1995 | |
The Limo | 1992 | |
The Doorman | 1995 | |
The Phone Message | 1991 |
64. NBA finals. Miami is too athletic to have Barea confuse them. Jason Terry needs to have 4 FULL games of his first half in game 1. Dirk’s hand better be ok. Brandon Haywood has to shoot free throws better than an eight year old. DeShawn needs to shave his Mohawk and grow a beard. Chandler needs to stay out of foul trouble. Mike Miller needs to stop improving. Haslem needs to act like he doesn’t already have a ring. Chalmers needs to remember he is just a defensive stopper. Dallas needs to forget LeBron can guard five positions. I am SO rooting for Dirk. Carlisle went to freaking UVA. BUT. Miami in 6.
65. That’s it. Peace, guys.
66. Oh, and although I almost forgot…Taint, you are a hooker.
Filler
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