THE RANT
By The Fillerbuster
06/01/2011
“Read it, don’t read it, I don’t care…just getting some things off my chest…”
In no chronological order or order of importance…forgive some of the stuff if it is a bit dated-I have been on hiatus…
1. You know a movie is good when you own it, a blowout NBA playoff game is on, the cuss words are not even subbed (they are blanked out-thanks BET), and a game 7 for NHL is in the 2nd period. I hadn’t checked you out in a while, Training Day. If you have never made time to watch this flick, do it tonight.
2. Does anyone else think I should go take a ride down to Littleton and collect on this bet? Back in early 2000, I used to come into the sports bar I worked at and get a feed for Ohio high school basketball before my shift. Everyone thought I was nuts. My GM asked me who I was coming into see. I told him, and we made a friendly $100 bet that he wouldn’t last ten years in the league. I left, the bar got shut down, and I know where he works now. The basketball player’s name is LeBron. It is not like I was splitting the atom, but not a bad call, aye? Can we forgive the fact it hasn’t been 10 years yet?
3. Is Tickethorse the same company as Ticketmaster, or was there a sudden power shift? In a related story, Burger King suddenly has arches outside their locations.
4. I think Harden should have gotten more 6th man votes for looking like a bad ass. Like Manu got more votes a few years ago for having a bald spot.
5. Jimmer and Kemba going 1-2 for the Naismith award is like remembering that Charlie Ward, Heath Schuler, and David Palmer went before Marshall Faulk in the NFL draft in 1993. It is not going to pan out guys. You will have a job, but that is about it.
6. I am lost in NBA basketball. I now hate LeBron because he parlayed a supersquad. I don’t like my second favorite player because he is now with LeBron. Iverson is racing Lamborghini’s in Atlanta between leg growths from Turkish basketball. I can’t keep track where Jason Williams is playing anymore, and now he is too old to pass behind his back. Tom Chambers is retired. People don’t even remember how good Zeke was because he keeps messing up organizations and leagues. SOMEONE hire Hubie Brown. Although I will miss him announcing, I will finally get the NBA package just to watch him coach.
7. I deserve this job. I want to be the guy who figured out that the last time Verlander threw a no-hitter, the Wings also won in a long series against San Jose. I want that free time. Seriously. Of course, as much as I am impressed about this detail, they lost.
8. I get tired of writers talking smack about fighters who withdraw from a fight because of illness or injury. This isn’t basketball. This isn’t even football. This is called going in mano y mano against some guy who wants to kill you. If I am not near 100%, I would back out too. Wouldn’t you? Michael scores 63 with the flu and you believe him. Some guy gives you a concussion in a big fight, and you say you had a temperature before the fight-ain’t no Rocky movie…
9. Good job, dude. Janoris Jenkins was rated as the number one CB for next year’s draft. Then he gets kicked off the team because he gets high. Stellar, bro.
10. SOOOOOO rooting for Dirk in these playoffs now. However, what is the cliché? Lack of better options. Sorry, Dirk, you are like taking the semi-hot female bartender home after her shift and banging her. Not a great story in itself, but no one has to know that you struck out on everyone else who wasn’t working. Just sounds cool that you sold the bartender, and that you have a hookup on drinks until you stop calling her.
11. Does anyone else feel like ten years from now that Parker, Manu, and Duncan will still be on the Spurs?
12. Does anyone else think it is ironic that we laugh at golfers and how unathletic they are, and then the most athletic golfer ever has to keep bowing out because of injuries? Tim Herron never even gets the flu?
13. Tressel resigns. Who would have thought a guy in a sweater vest could have been so naughty? He is the Dr. Dre of sweater vest people. Meanwhile, the media is prepping itself for the longest, most drawn out coaching search for a top 5 job we have ever seen. You thought Brett Favre’s retirement was painful and long? You are right. My bad. There is nothing that will be longer than that. That was like Renee Zellweger in one of her large girl parts taping herself running a marathon. Just pick up the phone, Urban, and put us out of our misery.
14. I had a separate take on Terrelle Pryor, but I don’t want this to be too one school dominated. Am I allowed to use one of my Marcus Vick jokes again? Nevermind, I will steer away from that-too easy.
15. JR Hildebrand. Listen. I will never pretend that I can drive 200 mph. However, would they have called you a sissy or something in the locker room, or wherever you guys go after a race, if you would have slowed down on the last lap of the 500 with a 4 second spot? Please tell me you were on record time or something. Thanks for ruining the rest of my day though. I had to go back and watch the tape of the ’99 British Open. Hey, look at the bright side. At least you are famous now.
16. With relatively big name actors in both, I find it odd that two movies about bad teachers and horrible bosses are coming out within a month of each other. Is Sinister Guidance Counselors around the bend?
17. I am so happy for UVA lacrosse, but after being entrenched with the sport for an entire weekend, I have never seen a sport needing a shot clock more than LAX.
18. If you did get to watch and listen to the games, there is no need to remind me how bad the UVA band is. Actually, they are better now so I hear. When I went there, they were called the Pep Band and actually prided themselves on being the worst band in the stadium each night. Trust me. There is no “i” in UVA, but we would never have to worry about having a celebrity dot the “i” even if it did. Damn, an accidental OSU reference.
19. Dibs to my colleague, Brian, for owning up to a bet on the DU-UVA semifinal game in LAX. Everyone on this list knows I would have gladly done the same thing in a heartbeat if I lost, but he did it in style also. He had to wear UVA magic marker on both cheeks for a workday.
20. Hey, Denver Post. Get your abbreviations correct or someone call me and let me know when in the last 38 years of my life did PHI switch to PHL. Did the band Phish join the major leagues and we are worried about causing confusion? By the way, if they did, can someone let me know when they play the Rockies? No reason.
21. Damn. I tried to listen to Hubie Brown on ESPN radio to watch Game 1 of the NBA finals. I love his commentary, but the delay was too much. 7 seconds for a guy who is the opposite of Samuel Jackson, and WOULDN’T sound cool cussing.
22. Speaking of Hubie Brown and quality, where did Bill Walton go as an announcer? I hated listening to him so much that it was like watching the first 5 minutes of CSI Miami. It was so bad that I just couldn’t turn away. Plus, I miss his “that was the greatest steal in the last 20 years by a left handed guard in the Eastern Conference who is less than 6 feet tall on an away court…”
23. Watching a bad Seinfeld is like trying to figure out which was the worst Wooden coached UCLA championship teams. Bottom line. I will take any of those teams over any of your teams.
24. I hear Tate Forcier was hanging out of a window recently. When you are done flowcharting how many times you and Mitch Mustain have transferred and somehow remained in the news since you both were the #1 ranked quarterbacks coming out of high school, could you tell me the window story?
25. Bryce Drew recently took over Valpo basketball. Something tells me that instead of quoting Wooden or Knight, that there will be a DVD player in the locker room when he makes his speeches.
26. Poor Kareem. A fake character from a cheesy movie has one in Philly (that was NOT derogatory-he is my boy), and a guy who won 8 championships for the town in college and the pro’s can’t get a sniff. In a recent Sporting News article, the rebuttal from the Lakers was that if there is another statue made, that he is next on that list. Anyone see an argument brewing in about 7-8 years after Kobe rides off into the night?
27. The WVU football coach was recently kicked out of a WV casino at 3am. I don’t know whether I am more surprised that I didn’t find this casino when I drove through there moving out here or that there is actually a town named Nitro in West Virginia.
28. I think I have found my calling. I am pretty sure that I actually like Coke Zero better than regular Coke. Seriously. I do. Get me on that freaking commercial.
29. After watching game 1, I hear Jason Terry is already trying figure out how to spin that Larry O’ Brien tattoo he got last October. Hey, Jet, it’s just a round shiny thing with a base. It could be worse. More on the Finals later.
30. Read Sporting News “Game Changers.” Great article.
31. Garcia is allowed back to South Carolina football. Spurrier must have seen that top 10 preseason ranking and done the math.
32. The Flyers, Penguins, Capitals, Red Wings, and pretty much most of the other teams I care about in either way are out of the Stanley Cup Playoffs, and I am proud to say I still have the finals on while I am writing this. I am not lying. I will also tell you I watch the re-showing of the Reggie Miller movie before I switched over. Guilty.
33. On a serious hockey take, even if Vancouver wins, I will truly believe the road was as paved as it could be for them. Yes, it is the toughest sporting event to win, but the Sharks were the best team they played. Not the wars of past years where one loose puck changes the balance of power.
34. We all want to believe Lance Armstrong. He freaking beat cancer. However, the more people pile on, and the more convincing their argument, and the more true they appear, and the more I think about how badly he won….just saying…I am getting weary.
35. I think Shaq should have waited a little while before retiring. We still have things to talk about in sports. I mean, if he would have waited a few weeks, we can spend full time on air on where he ranks in history as a center, a player, etc. Plus, I LOVE lists. Then, I could put more thought into it instead of being distracted about how boring I think the Stanley Cup Finals are or how the hell the Mavs are going to get free jump shots when the Heat defensive rotation is so fast. By the way, he would still be Russell’s b$%^.
36. I had my apartment key already obviously. I just got the pool key. Then, a day later I get our new HQ key for work. They all look perilously the same. It is going to be a TV moment when I come home from the Pub on Penn Friday night. I have never seen such an obviously confusing moment waiting to happen.
37. Does anyone else think that Nadal’s “injury” has to be one missing leg to not win the French Open?
38. My objective by the end of the finals is to hear 3 consecutive announcers/ analysts to pronounce Dirk’s last name the same way. As Dennis Leary once said, “because you got to have goals…”
39. This oversigning college players is really an interesting topic. And why the hell is the SEC doing it? They already get the best players. Do they have bigger buses too or something?
40. Not many people care, but Clijsters and Wozniacki out of the Open is actually a HUGE story. Why they have the free time, someone ask them when the hell a “Smith” and “Jones” will be the best two players. I am even scared of myself that I think I spelled both their last names correctly since I can’t use Google during a rant.
41. I was wrong on the Masters and Tiger. Sooner or later, if I keep predicting he will win, I will be a genius eventually. OK. He will win the US Open. Yes, I realize that it is like Rick Ankiel coming back a while back with a smaller strike zone. But, dammit. Sticking with my womanizing boy.
42. Geez, people. All Scottie meant with the LeBron comment is that he has more tools to be better. He didn’t say he is. Wow, if John Stockton said the same thing, I would read into it. However, this fool got 6 rings with this guy Jordan and got voted on to the 50 best players list. Look at the source.
43. McHale is hired for the Rockets. Good. You sucked at being an analyst. You ran out of things to say once the Celtics got run. At least you had Celtics memories and Kevin Garnett to talk about then when they were in.
44. I think these WWF wrestlers are spacing out their deaths on purpose. Hey, Hulk, can you squeeze in a Princess Bride 2 before you die next year?
45. I would like to know what Ray Small’s financial status was before he got paid to “come clean” after the whole Tressel and Pryor thing. Damn you OSU. You must really be in the headlines a lot.
46. Interesting. The Lakers hired a coach who couldn’t win with a superstar, pretty much the opposite of what Phil did.
47. Hey, Danica. Will you just win the damn 500 already so I can stop closet watching people turn left?
48. Tate Forcier is thinking about transferring to…damn. He got me again.
49. Has anyone noticed that Jerry always had a hot girl and Elaine’s man was either fat, old, or ugly? Maybe they did actually go out, he did the casting, totally screwed her over, and things don’t work perfectly for ex-lovers after all. Everything makes sense now with this theory.
50. UVA baseball. Good luck, boys. I promise that I will sing our stupid fight song behind closed doors in private.
51. Diego Maradona wins my award for somehow popping up in the headlines at a rate of 6.5 months 25 years after he won the World Cup. You go boy. Dwight Gooden, Strawberry, and Pete Rose are on your heels, but you are winning.
52. Peyton Manning had neck surgery. This story was about as dry and boring as his alarmingly funny personality.
53. The Stow story nearly broke my heart. I am glad they found the guy who did it. My heart goes out to his family. Seriously. Sad story.
54. And thanks, Stows, for suing the team of the game you attended right after I became sad to remind me what this world is all about. You have to be able to sue someone, right?
55. Texas is thinking about making noodling catfish illegal also. I have no take. I just wanted to write a take about noodling.
56. If you didn’t catch Finland’s crazy hockey goal a few weeks ago, check it out. Crazy. Google it.
57. Did you hear about the Massachusetts guy who sold memorabilia for a long time saying his son had cancer? Picking up a chick in a bar weekly suddenly makes me feel better about myself.
58. I am even a fan of the Phillies. Does anyone else feel that Roy Halladay pitches every single day?
59. Hypothetical. If the rumor about Shannon Brown was true with Gasol’s girl, and if you sub in Andrei Kirilenko, would it be OK (as long as it was only once a year)?
60. You know you are reaching and the major sports have fallen since you went to school when you go around bragging about UVA LAX, baseball, and tennis.
61. Chad whatever his name lasted 1.5 seconds on a bull. Word is that Roy Williams was happy this happened since Jerry Jones stopped texting him after hearing this…the next bet is apparently whether he can stay on a bull longer than Dez Bryant’s pants can stay on at a mall.
62. You know the curse of Madden is in people’s heads like Reggie Miller talking shit to Spike when Peyton Hillis is announced as the coverboy.
63. OK. A while back the discussion started with me and another person about my favorite year of Seinfeld. What started out as a simple project became a 2 hour hard-core ordeal of trying to name a top ten. I ended up with ranking the 30 best episodes with a bunch of “honorable mentions.” Yes, I have taken in account all side plots along with prominent storylines of the show. Here goes:
THE | RANKINGS | preliminary |
RANK | EPISODE | YEAR |
1 | The Secret Code | 1995 |
2 | The Hot Tub | 1995 |
3 | The Sniffing Accountant | 1993 |
4 | The Rye | 1996 |
5 | The Contest | 1992 |
6 | The Marine Biologist | 1994 |
7 | The Library | 1991 |
8 | The Fix-Up | 1992 |
9 | The Deal | 1991 |
10 | The Switch | 1995 |
11 | The Mango | 1993 |
12 | The Outing | 1993 |
13 | The Soup Nazi | 1995 |
14 | The Red Dot | 1991 |
15 | The Little Jerry | 1997 |
16 | The Bizarro Jerry | 1996 |
17 | The Opposite | 1994 |
18 | The Boyfriend Part 1 | 1992 |
19 | The Puffy Shirt | 1993 |
20 | The Junior Mint | 1993 |
21 | The Frogger | 1998 |
22 | The Chicken Roaster | 1996 |
23 | The Merv Griffin Show | 1997 |
24 | The Abstinence | 1996 |
25 | The Andrea Doria | 1996 |
26 | The Nap | 1997 |
27 | The Jimmy | 1995 |
28 | The Gynmnast | 1994 |
29 | The Pick | 1992 |
30 | The Dealership | 1997 |
20 | 1994.275862 | |
AVERAGE YEAR-PRIME TIME | ||
HONORABLE MENTION | The Face Painter | 1994 |
The Race | 1994 | |
The Chinese Woman | 1993 | |
The Cigar Store indian | 1993 | |
The Smelly Car | 1995 | |
The Beard | 1994 | |
The Hamptons | 1997 | |
The Voice | 1991 | |
The Revenge | 1991 | |
The Tape | 1995 | |
The Wink | 1995 | |
The Pool Guy | 1995 | |
The Stake-Out | 1990 | |
The Fusilli Jerry | 1995 | |
The Limo | 1992 | |
The Doorman | 1995 | |
The Phone Message | 1991 |
64. NBA finals. Miami is too athletic to have Barea confuse them. Jason Terry needs to have 4 FULL games of his first half in game 1. Dirk’s hand better be ok. Brandon Haywood has to shoot free throws better than an eight year old. DeShawn needs to shave his Mohawk and grow a beard. Chandler needs to stay out of foul trouble. Mike Miller needs to stop improving. Haslem needs to act like he doesn’t already have a ring. Chalmers needs to remember he is just a defensive stopper. Dallas needs to forget LeBron can guard five positions. I am SO rooting for Dirk. Carlisle went to freaking UVA. BUT. Miami in 6.
65. That’s it. Peace, guys.
66. Oh, and although I almost forgot…Taint, you are a hooker.
Filler
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