Read it, don't read it, I don't care...I just need to get some things off my chest.
In no particular order of chronology or importance...
1. OK, people. Keep talking about all of the other NBA starts talking about playing overseas, but quit the Kobe shit. I am not interested. It won't happen. That is it. It won't. Can we have 5 athletes get domestic abuse charges or DUI's tonight so it can be removed off of the wire?
2. In the sky is blue, the grass is green category, James Harrison has apologized to the media for his comments about his derogatory comments on Goodell. We never saw that coming, did we? He says he was angry at the time. Did they do the interview at 2am after he left the club scene?
3. Props again to the place I am writing this. I LOVE this place. http://www.pubonpenn.com/home/
4. Klinsmann is named US Soccer Team coach. I know you have games coming up, but that was FAST. That was as fast as Taint going out with a boy after postponing our out of state wedding. Shady...
5. I don't care. I know I have had MONTHS to have an aggressive take on Tiger. I don't want to. I am still a fan. I hope he smokes everyone at Bridgestone next week. Take THAT and rewind it back. He won't, as he is too rusty, but at least I have something to look forward to for the PGA Championship. Plus, MJ is giving him comeback advice. I hope MJ is giving his 1996 comeback advice and not the Wizards info.
6. FIBA just announced that NBA players can play overseas. They couldn't before? What the hell have I been reading about? Williams, Howard, Nash... Confused.
7. In another version of the sky is blue and the grass is green, there is no Hard Knocks show this year. Thanks, media Einsteins.
8. Nice weekend, Philly. Pence to the Phils. This addresses their only real weakness...right handed bats. Pence is a happy camper these days, as he is going from a last place team to the best team in baseball. Kind of sad that he found out mid-game, and his goodbyes to his teammates were in the middle of an inning. Is that necessary? Then the Eagles pick up Asomugha. They now have solidified their team as the best secondary in baseball even if they dangle Asante Samuel in the next few days for a big trade. There are not a lot of shutdown corners out there these days, but he is definitely on that short list. Think about his career. He goes from the Raiders to the Eagles. They don't dress like Darth Vader, but they are still pretty mean. I am allowed to say that since I am from the area.
9. On that note, Vince Young has proclaimed the Eagles a "dream team." Hey, Vince, you are talking about the rest of the players on the team, right? Because, correct me if I'm wrong, but you ain't actually a dream teamer, bro. You are an underachieving headcase is what you are. I would love to be a fly on the wall during any conversations between Vick and Young. Those two aren't dream teamers, they are a Mastercard commercial. Priceless.
10. Burress is toying with the Giants and the Steelers. Come on, boys. Get him. Bad with a gun or not, there are not too many 6'5" receivers out there. The funny media story out there is how Eli didn't talk to him when he came in for a visit. Eli is no poker player. He said he is not into lobbying for a player. It is pretty evident to me that he doesn't really like the guy. He looked like Cam Newton on 60 Minutes up on that podium talking about all of the things he didn't do wrong.
11. Sticking in the Manning family, check this out. Peyton Manning asked for less money. His owner promised to make him the highest paid player in the league. So, what happens? It is a push. He takes less money and is paid exactly what Mr. Brady is getting paid, because the Colts insisted. Weird, and genuine.
12. I have been wondering where Drew Stanton is. I found him. He is the backup now for the Lions. That guy was a stud coming out of college. What happened, dude?
13. Press time on this rant is Saturday night. I get the feeling that the Yankees or Red Sox are going to do SOMETHING. Just saying... What would a trade deadline be without one of those two doing something? Plus, maybe it will kick Kobe and Turkey off the wire.
14. Osi Umenyiora reported to camp but refuses to speak with his GM...ever. Sounds like that is a great relationship.
15. Michael Phelps wins the 100m Butterfly at the Championships. I am glad to know that, even if he loses here and there, his bread and butter is still solid. Regulating.
16. In a recent NY poll about the Yankees, Jeter drew a tie with Ruth for best Yankee ever. Are you people smoking crack? They both got 23% of the vote. The only reason I kept sane after reading this story is that I assume the 3% of the people polled who voted for Mickey Mantle were smart enough to not vote for Jeter and voted for Ruth or Dimaggio.
17. Hardy har har. Duke is being investigated for a recruiting violation. They aren't totally perfect. Yay. Apparently, Mike offered this kid a full ride before he was done his AAU tournament. Whoops. If I was Mike, I would have offered him one to. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZLGW7MOFgQ
18. Whatever you like or dislike about this whole NFL lockout, and considering the rookie pay scale was the major issue, isn't it kind of nice to not read about rookie holdouts this year? Everyone is, in the word of Alex Baldwin, http://www.avclub.com/articles/glengarry-glen-ross,39294/
19. We have a Rafael Furcal sighting!! For some odd reason, it is big news that the Cards and Dodgers are in "serious" talks. Nice. Rafael has an average hovering right around .195. And he is 33. Really? I know that baseball trades are heated right now, but I don't want Kobe off the wire THAT bad.
20. I crack on Fox all the time, but I will admit one thing. They might report ridiculous news, they might report wrong news, but throughout this whole free agent week, they have been faster to the story of a pickup then ESPN or CNNSI. Yes, people, I alot time to read all of them thoroughly. Damn, I need a girl, or a pet. If it makes you sadder for me, I also cover rivals.com and deadspin.com.
21. We are going longer this week. I am far from done.
22. The US Soccer Team drew Group A today. France got screwed and ended up on a date day with Spain, but the US's group looks winnable. It has Jamaica, and then a bunch of second rate directional countries as possibilities. Since the only thing on my calendar no matter what is going on in my life is to go to Rio and finally experience the World Cup, I am happy that our boys might be in the mix.
23. The Brickyard is tomorrow. I have no idea how this race got so popular so quick, but I still didn't return Golden Tate's phone call about going. I don't know if you get that one or not, but that is my favorite joke thus far.
24. Props to my boy's blog as always. Some of you have date nights with girls or guys you like. You might need to have movie advice: http://rockiesmovies.blogspot.com/
25. UNC must have been really mad at Butch Davis. A couple weeks before the season starts? Weird. It goes with my theory that we know 40% of everything that happens in sports, and that 60% in this case must be pretty over the edge.
26. Florida State continues its recruiting onslaught. For 2012, and it is early, but Texas and Florida State are neck and neck. Maybe Bowden ran out of energy, was too old, or...maybe these high schoolers are really glad he is gone. I would have loved to play for Bowden, but FSU is making it back. Fast. I said in a previous rant that they are back perennially in the top 5 in two years. I am sticking with it.
27. I think Kenny Boynton has been in college for 7 years I am pretty sure. I feel like I will be getting reports on his college stats when I am Brazil in 2014. On a sidenote, they have two studs coming in. Walker, Boynton, and Rosario are all seasoned. It is really too bad they don't have any really good big guys. They are the second coming of 2006-2010 Villanova. By the way, one of the studs coming in is Bradley Beal. If you don't know who he is, he was #4 in the nation as a recruit. Somehow, the cheating Calipari didn't snag him also.
28. Oklahoma basketball got two more violations. I find it so funny when a team that presently sucks gets busted. You are cheating, aren't good, and still get busted. Chandler would tell you that he has too many jokes.
29. Jarime Anderson, the point guard who stole a computer and got arrested for grand theft, is serving a one game suspension. Hey, Ben Howland, way to suspend you robber point guard for one game against probably a directional school. I haven't looked at your schedule, but I am assuming that the SW Missouri State AD or someone similar has a smile on his face right now.
30. I might not like NASCAR, but I need it to keep existing as I find all pit crew commercials (Tony Stewart, Jamie McMurray for example) very funny. That's it. They are hilarious.
31. If I had to lay a crazy bet next season, I think it would be that the Washington Nationals will win the World Series. I figure it will be about 300-1 maybe? Harper. Strasburg. Zimmerman.
32. I know I don't really have a schedule to worry about conflicts, but is anyone else out there as excited as me for the Sept 3rd Oregon/ LSU football game? The winner of that game could feasibly run the table and be in the Championship. I LOVE it when the pedal is to the medal that early in the season.
33. I am a closet Ohio State basketball fan next season. The fact that Jared Sullinger stayed in school just makes me happy. I love college basketball.
34. If the public is not familiar with "Lamb" as a household basketball name, it will be next year. Both those guys, from UCONN and UK, are going to be STARS next year. Trust me. Stealing a line from "Hard to Kill," "and you can take THAT to the bank."
35. If you have not read the Arian Foster article in Sporting News, stop what you are doing (well, after this rant) and go read it. It is fantastic. I am now a huge fan.
36. Trent Edwards goes to the Raiders. I am glad, Trent, that you have finally accepted your role as a forever backup in this league.
37. Jimenez is still out there being dangled. Remember my Red Sox/ Yankees take? Yup.
38. Have I ever mentioned how fantastic the movie "Rounders" is? No? Never? Just like drinking brings out the truth, I have noticed that a few beers, late at night, and my hand just automatically puts it in my DVD player. Actually, that is not totally true. Frequently, it is already in there from the night before.
39. I am winding down. A few more NFL notes. As much as I hate the whole "outperformed his contract" thing, Chris Johnson should get more money, especially considering what DeAngelo Williams pulled in. Yup. In a follow up Rounders take, "Pay that man. Pay that man his money." I think the Saints signing Mark Ingram is brilliant (he is going to be GOOD, people), and I also think that the Michael Jenkins pickup is great for Minnesota. It doesn't replace Rice, but it helps.
40. Forty takes? Sorry, people. Like I have said before, it is a total stream of consciousness. I can't stop it, I only hope to contain it. No jokes tonight about the ex. She already got a mention earlier anyway. Taint, you are a hooker. As one shepherd said to the other shepherd, let's get the flock out of here. Peace.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
072811-NFL free agency analysis included
Read it, don't read it, I don't care...I just have some things to get off my chest.
In no particular order of chronology or importance...
1. Holy smokes, lots to get to...Tiger is playing next week at the Bridgestone he has announced. Word is he is going to follow hockey's lead and grow his beard until he wins another major. As far as your caddie situation, look me up on Facebook, dude. I say that because I might be the last person in your corner after you got rid of Mr. Williams. Shit, Tiger. I have to work though. Hmmm. Who has some free time this weekend? Give Terrelle Pryor a ring. We already know from his accusations that he likes golf courses. Carry your golf clubs after the 18th hole each day, though, El Tigre. He might sell those too.
2. Butch Davis, the wheels are coming off the train, after your firing at UNC. If your teams were girlfriends, they are just getting uglier. Something tells me you would have your ducks more in a row if Florida State wouldn't have gotten in the championship game against Oklahoma after you had beaten Florida State head to head back in the day. Hey, everyone! The UNC football coaching job is open! They LOVE football there. Start making a line, single file.
3. Jalen Rose gets busted for speeding hours after being sentenced to 20 days in jail for his DUI. Word on the street is that he watched "Double Jeopardy" with Ashley Judd the night before and was thoroughly confused by the plot. Hey, Jalen, get two more tickets and a domestic violence charge and we can just call it the Fab Five.
4. US Soccer keeps firing their coach. Happy trails, Bob Bradley. Hey, US Soccer, how is a team underachieving if our culture in general is behind everyone in the sport anyway? I would think a little consistency would be important at some point. The players must all think they are Alex Smith (different offensive coordinator pretty much every year is the joke on that one). At least now, we will finally know if your son deserves to be on that team.
5. I don't care if the green police come and get me. Building on a take in an earlier rant, I am buying paper cones the next time I am at the grocery store...and replace my carpet with artificial grass...
6. Santana no-hits the Tribe. They get so mad, that they trade for a guy who sounds like a hitter combined with a natural disaster...Fukodome. All dumb jokes aside, congrats to Santana, and thanks for clarifying that you are buyers, Indians. Nice pickup for two prospects. Seriously (I know it doesn't happen a lot).
7. I HAD to open this article. A grandmother recently made the Raiders cheerleading squad after 4 years of failure. You don't care about my analysis on this, so I will just save words, shorten the take, and send you to the picture...http://www.businessinsider.com/raiders-cheerleader-grandma-2011-7
8. I was not at all surprised to find out that Kimbo Slice's son is becoming a hot college football prospect given his genes. I WAS surprised to find out his GPA at his high school. I don't know about you, but if someone is not destined to be on the Raiders, I don't know who is. http://mma.sbnation.com/2011/7/27/2297367/kimbo-slices-son-getting-noticed-as-hot-football-prospect
9. Thank you for making me aware of this, Stephen Colbert. They don't exactly play these commericals during Sportscenter. This is only one of them. I am not shitting you. They made a white, black, and latino one of these. Disturbing, and EASILY winning my rant award for the Chandler take...too many jokes... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KlbYhgzJqxQ
10. The Giants are serious, people. The usual suspects for a big trade deadline deal are the Yankees, Red Sox, Phils, Angels, yada yada yada. Not that being off that list means you can't win the World Series, like last year, but then you steal this guy from them? By signing, he IMMEDIATELY becomes the leading hitter in pretty much every offensive category. I would LOVE to be a fly on the wall for Carlos's first conversation with Brian Wilson...
11. One more thing about soccer. In case anyone was curious about world dominance, Man U has outscored various MLS teams 18-2 in four games since coming over. If anything, I thought that stat would have SAVED Bob Bradley's job. It is so much more clear what he was dealing with at that position.
12. What a way to end a streak. The Mariners lose 17 straight and then break the streak to who? The Yanks. I know how they did it. No, I do. They went slumpbusting. Everyone. As a team. They took Mark Grace's theory, and took it to new heights. Dibs to Rome for the interview back in 1998 in The Jungle: http://www.doubletongued.org/index.php/dictionary/slump_buster/
13. Jerime Anderson, the point guard for UCLA, got busted for stealing a laptop from the school. He got caught because the laptop had a tracking device. He apparently now thinks his schools's acronym stands for Under
Cover
Laptop
Alarm
Moving on...
14. Michael Phelps has been losing some races lately. Apparently, the last loss to Lochte was going to generate the headline "Phelps gets smoked," but the editors thought ambiguity wasn't the answer.
15. I still find the Seinfeld episode when George practices abstinence and gets incredibly smart a hilarious plot (you could be devil's advocate and say that I find ALL of them hilarious, and you would be right). Bonus. This relates to sports AND Seinfeld. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZz_rbAmfmY
16. In six games...SO funny. Anyway, moving on. I know he started for the American league in the All-Star game, but Jered Weaver has the QUIETEST 14 wins at this point in the season I have ever seen. Keep it up, bro. To think, your older brother Jeff was supposed to be the shit. I am pretty sure he is still a free agent. I hope he gets a job by Thanksgiving.
17. (In case you are curious, the NFL breakdown is coming soon. I am doing it all at once)
18. The ump gets heat for blowing a call in the 19 inning Pirates/ Braves game. If there is one job in the world I know I couldn't do, it would be a baseball ref. Hell, even the NFL refs get a second to soak it in. They can pretend like they are getting out of the way of a hit and think about it. Basketball refs just need to really worry about the charge calls, and enough of them are blown that I am pretty sure they just mentally flip a coin. NHL refs are too much impressing us by staying the hell out of the way. Baseball umps have about a quarter second to figure out who was first. It is too bad someone blew a call in the long game, it is too bad one blew one last year in a no-hitter, but I am not poking fun. You guys have a very, very hard job. Dibs.
19. I was watching the Grinds My Gears of Family Guy, and I just wanted to get something out there. I did not name my thing the "rant" from that. Coincidental I swear. Just getting it out there since I know people who read this know I love Family Guy. Might as well give you the Lindsey Lohan Grinds My Gears while we are on the subject though: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2q2XF3KIaPY
20. My thoughts are with Hideki Irabu's family. He committed suicide. I don't know you as a person, but you bolstered a movement that gave MLB a lot of fantastic players. There aren't really any better pure baseball players than Ichiro, and we will never know if he would have come over if you hadn't.
21. Before I hit the NFL, here is one more link that is hilarious that was on the other night. Once again, just like Kevin Costner brilliantly combining a love story in a perfect baseball game to make the perfect watchable chick flick, it involves comedy AND a draft...freaking brilliant: http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?videoId=162807
22. OK. Let's barrel through this. I am going to handle this just like I handled the NBA draft...one comment on each:
-Posluszny to the Jags: Let's just say I don't think we don't have to worry about anyone trying to fight him in practice
-McNabb to the Vikings: If you didn't have a full cupboard before, you sure as hell don't have any excuses with that lineup
-Hasselbeck to the Titans: If you had bad memories of the bad officiating in the Super Bowl against the Steelers before, you now have to play them a minimum of twice a year
-Holmes back to the Jets: Who cares? I want to see if they can pull both him AND Asomugha. If they pull both, word is the Jets accountant is immediately going to be traded to the US Government to figure out the debt situation
-Burress to ???: All I know is his practice partner since he was out of prison is Byron Leftwich. Sell him, Byron
-Kolb to the Cardinals: Kolb finally can start, the Cardinals finally have a post Warner QB, and for some reason all I care about is why don't people pronounce the "l?"
-Taylor stays with the Steelers: Class organization. They keep him AND Suisham. Nice work, boys. Just get a designated driver and a muzzle, and we are home-free
-Williams resigns with Carolina: I have never been to that city, but there must be SOMETHING there. There HAS to be
-Young leaves the Titans: I just have a feeling that when he is sad, that he goes home and watches the USC game on repeat
-Rice to the Seahawks: Someone must have spooked him by telling him Favre was coming back
-Haynesworth to the Pats: Hold on a second. Wait for it
-Ochocinco to the Pats: Now THERE is trust in your organization, people. You truly must believe you can tame ANYONE. This is like crossing the streams in Ghostbusters on crack
-Bush to the Dolphins: Hey, guys. Let's let an undersized speedster go to an offense that runs the Wildcat where big running backs rule. This is like Mugsy Bogues running the Triangle offense in bball
23. I am out of time. Those are the big ones up to this point. Look for more on Saturday. Ummm. What would be my slogan if I would have married Taint? ho(?)OK(h)er anyway...peace, people...Now, I'm done.
24. WAIT! Breaking news! Darren Sproles literally just went to the Saints. Minutes ago. That is a brilliant pickup, and explains to me why they let the Heismans trophy winner (?) go. I just wanted to feel like a live show for a second. Late.
In no particular order of chronology or importance...
1. Holy smokes, lots to get to...Tiger is playing next week at the Bridgestone he has announced. Word is he is going to follow hockey's lead and grow his beard until he wins another major. As far as your caddie situation, look me up on Facebook, dude. I say that because I might be the last person in your corner after you got rid of Mr. Williams. Shit, Tiger. I have to work though. Hmmm. Who has some free time this weekend? Give Terrelle Pryor a ring. We already know from his accusations that he likes golf courses. Carry your golf clubs after the 18th hole each day, though, El Tigre. He might sell those too.
2. Butch Davis, the wheels are coming off the train, after your firing at UNC. If your teams were girlfriends, they are just getting uglier. Something tells me you would have your ducks more in a row if Florida State wouldn't have gotten in the championship game against Oklahoma after you had beaten Florida State head to head back in the day. Hey, everyone! The UNC football coaching job is open! They LOVE football there. Start making a line, single file.
3. Jalen Rose gets busted for speeding hours after being sentenced to 20 days in jail for his DUI. Word on the street is that he watched "Double Jeopardy" with Ashley Judd the night before and was thoroughly confused by the plot. Hey, Jalen, get two more tickets and a domestic violence charge and we can just call it the Fab Five.
4. US Soccer keeps firing their coach. Happy trails, Bob Bradley. Hey, US Soccer, how is a team underachieving if our culture in general is behind everyone in the sport anyway? I would think a little consistency would be important at some point. The players must all think they are Alex Smith (different offensive coordinator pretty much every year is the joke on that one). At least now, we will finally know if your son deserves to be on that team.
5. I don't care if the green police come and get me. Building on a take in an earlier rant, I am buying paper cones the next time I am at the grocery store...and replace my carpet with artificial grass...
6. Santana no-hits the Tribe. They get so mad, that they trade for a guy who sounds like a hitter combined with a natural disaster...Fukodome. All dumb jokes aside, congrats to Santana, and thanks for clarifying that you are buyers, Indians. Nice pickup for two prospects. Seriously (I know it doesn't happen a lot).
7. I HAD to open this article. A grandmother recently made the Raiders cheerleading squad after 4 years of failure. You don't care about my analysis on this, so I will just save words, shorten the take, and send you to the picture...http://www.businessinsider.com/raiders-cheerleader-grandma-2011-7
8. I was not at all surprised to find out that Kimbo Slice's son is becoming a hot college football prospect given his genes. I WAS surprised to find out his GPA at his high school. I don't know about you, but if someone is not destined to be on the Raiders, I don't know who is. http://mma.sbnation.com/2011/7/27/2297367/kimbo-slices-son-getting-noticed-as-hot-football-prospect
9. Thank you for making me aware of this, Stephen Colbert. They don't exactly play these commericals during Sportscenter. This is only one of them. I am not shitting you. They made a white, black, and latino one of these. Disturbing, and EASILY winning my rant award for the Chandler take...too many jokes... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KlbYhgzJqxQ
10. The Giants are serious, people. The usual suspects for a big trade deadline deal are the Yankees, Red Sox, Phils, Angels, yada yada yada. Not that being off that list means you can't win the World Series, like last year, but then you steal this guy from them? By signing, he IMMEDIATELY becomes the leading hitter in pretty much every offensive category. I would LOVE to be a fly on the wall for Carlos's first conversation with Brian Wilson...
11. One more thing about soccer. In case anyone was curious about world dominance, Man U has outscored various MLS teams 18-2 in four games since coming over. If anything, I thought that stat would have SAVED Bob Bradley's job. It is so much more clear what he was dealing with at that position.
12. What a way to end a streak. The Mariners lose 17 straight and then break the streak to who? The Yanks. I know how they did it. No, I do. They went slumpbusting. Everyone. As a team. They took Mark Grace's theory, and took it to new heights. Dibs to Rome for the interview back in 1998 in The Jungle: http://www.doubletongued.org/index.php/dictionary/slump_buster/
13. Jerime Anderson, the point guard for UCLA, got busted for stealing a laptop from the school. He got caught because the laptop had a tracking device. He apparently now thinks his schools's acronym stands for Under
Cover
Laptop
Alarm
Moving on...
14. Michael Phelps has been losing some races lately. Apparently, the last loss to Lochte was going to generate the headline "Phelps gets smoked," but the editors thought ambiguity wasn't the answer.
15. I still find the Seinfeld episode when George practices abstinence and gets incredibly smart a hilarious plot (you could be devil's advocate and say that I find ALL of them hilarious, and you would be right). Bonus. This relates to sports AND Seinfeld. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZz_rbAmfmY
16. In six games...SO funny. Anyway, moving on. I know he started for the American league in the All-Star game, but Jered Weaver has the QUIETEST 14 wins at this point in the season I have ever seen. Keep it up, bro. To think, your older brother Jeff was supposed to be the shit. I am pretty sure he is still a free agent. I hope he gets a job by Thanksgiving.
17. (In case you are curious, the NFL breakdown is coming soon. I am doing it all at once)
18. The ump gets heat for blowing a call in the 19 inning Pirates/ Braves game. If there is one job in the world I know I couldn't do, it would be a baseball ref. Hell, even the NFL refs get a second to soak it in. They can pretend like they are getting out of the way of a hit and think about it. Basketball refs just need to really worry about the charge calls, and enough of them are blown that I am pretty sure they just mentally flip a coin. NHL refs are too much impressing us by staying the hell out of the way. Baseball umps have about a quarter second to figure out who was first. It is too bad someone blew a call in the long game, it is too bad one blew one last year in a no-hitter, but I am not poking fun. You guys have a very, very hard job. Dibs.
19. I was watching the Grinds My Gears of Family Guy, and I just wanted to get something out there. I did not name my thing the "rant" from that. Coincidental I swear. Just getting it out there since I know people who read this know I love Family Guy. Might as well give you the Lindsey Lohan Grinds My Gears while we are on the subject though: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2q2XF3KIaPY
20. My thoughts are with Hideki Irabu's family. He committed suicide. I don't know you as a person, but you bolstered a movement that gave MLB a lot of fantastic players. There aren't really any better pure baseball players than Ichiro, and we will never know if he would have come over if you hadn't.
21. Before I hit the NFL, here is one more link that is hilarious that was on the other night. Once again, just like Kevin Costner brilliantly combining a love story in a perfect baseball game to make the perfect watchable chick flick, it involves comedy AND a draft...freaking brilliant: http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?videoId=162807
22. OK. Let's barrel through this. I am going to handle this just like I handled the NBA draft...one comment on each:
-Posluszny to the Jags: Let's just say I don't think we don't have to worry about anyone trying to fight him in practice
-McNabb to the Vikings: If you didn't have a full cupboard before, you sure as hell don't have any excuses with that lineup
-Hasselbeck to the Titans: If you had bad memories of the bad officiating in the Super Bowl against the Steelers before, you now have to play them a minimum of twice a year
-Holmes back to the Jets: Who cares? I want to see if they can pull both him AND Asomugha. If they pull both, word is the Jets accountant is immediately going to be traded to the US Government to figure out the debt situation
-Burress to ???: All I know is his practice partner since he was out of prison is Byron Leftwich. Sell him, Byron
-Kolb to the Cardinals: Kolb finally can start, the Cardinals finally have a post Warner QB, and for some reason all I care about is why don't people pronounce the "l?"
-Taylor stays with the Steelers: Class organization. They keep him AND Suisham. Nice work, boys. Just get a designated driver and a muzzle, and we are home-free
-Williams resigns with Carolina: I have never been to that city, but there must be SOMETHING there. There HAS to be
-Young leaves the Titans: I just have a feeling that when he is sad, that he goes home and watches the USC game on repeat
-Rice to the Seahawks: Someone must have spooked him by telling him Favre was coming back
-Haynesworth to the Pats: Hold on a second. Wait for it
-Ochocinco to the Pats: Now THERE is trust in your organization, people. You truly must believe you can tame ANYONE. This is like crossing the streams in Ghostbusters on crack
-Bush to the Dolphins: Hey, guys. Let's let an undersized speedster go to an offense that runs the Wildcat where big running backs rule. This is like Mugsy Bogues running the Triangle offense in bball
23. I am out of time. Those are the big ones up to this point. Look for more on Saturday. Ummm. What would be my slogan if I would have married Taint? ho(?)OK(h)er anyway...peace, people...Now, I'm done.
24. WAIT! Breaking news! Darren Sproles literally just went to the Saints. Minutes ago. That is a brilliant pickup, and explains to me why they let the Heismans trophy winner (?) go. I just wanted to feel like a live show for a second. Late.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
072611
Read it, don't read it, I don't care...just need to get some things off my chest.
In no particular order of chronology or importance...
1. I have missed something. AND it deals with sports. The Gamecocks are South Carolina. When the hell did it get shortened to the Carolina Gamecocks? I was behind a car with a window sticker with those words. If I hadn't been on my way to work, I would have pulled the guy over and inquired. I have never heard of that. I am going on a roadtrip looking for Virginia Mountaineer stickers. I will be gone for a while probably.
2. Favre might be a backup in Philly. People, he has the media and us wrapped around his finger. I admit it. I still opened the article. Damn. The agent has told everyone to cool it, but something tells me that if they did get on the same team, a fight would break out during suicides when Favre yelled out that Vick was dogging it.
3. Seattle loses 16 in a row and then a day later says that they are not considering trading Felix. Poor guy. He could have about 7 extra wins per year if they had run support, and he still can't get a ticket out of town. He was going to call Zach Greinke for drinks, but then remembered that he DID get out somehow.
4. I can't think of who his face is kind of combined with, but you tell me. This doesn't look enough like him to me to have on your skin. I only have one tattoo, but he sketched it first. I would have taken a look at the rough draft, bro. I won't even get into the easy joke of cracking on the concept of the story... http://www.foxsportsflorida.com/07/25/11/Heat-fan-gets-LeBrons-face-tattooed-on-l/landing_heat.html?blockID=541286&feedID=3720
5. I think that the Favre comeback story is helping me shield how tired I am of Terrelle Pryor. Go have a couple drinks with Maurice Clarett, invite Marcus Vick if you want things to get crazy, and stay off the wire. You are crowding out other good things going on.
6. Michael Phelps forgot his swim trunks at a recent meet. I didn't have to dig on this story. It was 4th in order on the Fox wire. I think it was right below the NFL CBA story. Wow, that site cracks me up. On a side note, I am not having a separate take on the signing of the CBA. Just glad it is done.
7. Tigerland better open pretty soon. Apparently it has a practice area with bunkers, driving range, and full course. Hurry up, dude. It better open before you drop out of the twenties in golf rankings. Hey, maybe, you better delay that opening a little more and have a robotic caddy constructed who stays with you through thick and thin, helps you win 10 plus majors, and is like family to you when everyone else is hating on you. I am sure they can make a robot like that. Make sure he has an Australian accent too. Either that, or call that Rocky 4 robot. I hear she is looking for work. AND, she has never worked at Perkins, so your thoughts can remain clean. Maybe just give Rodney Dangerfield a call. Maybe he has that Caddyshack in a mobile version at this point.
8. I have watched tennis my whole life. I never would have thought that I would admit that a guy named Mardy Fish is the best American player in the world. Hey, Mardy, that is not as much a compliment to you as it is a total slam on the present state of American tennis. It is still not an American sport, but it is easier to explain than our soccer inadequacies. Plus, we already had a couple times in the sun. Get it together, men. Hey, Roddick. I am glad we didn't submit to your request of calling you ARod after you won your first one. That would have been premature. Just a bit, underperformer...
9. And the remnants of the old Colorado/ Detroit rivalry are almost fully out of the system. Kris Draper retires after 20 years. I am a fan of neither, but will say that in my time in Denver, that they owned this town for a decade or so FOR A RIVALRY, not as a team-that was Elway. It was pretty intense, but it gives you renewed respect for rivalries such as Carolina/ Duke and Boston/ NYY, rivalries that are based on the organization, not the players. This one is more about the players and incidents in a pointed amount of time, and then die away when they all retire. The others are forever.
10. Jason Kipnis's first hit and RBI in his MLB career is a walk-off single. Nice, dude. Keep it up, because it just came out the Indians are going to be buyers in the market. Plus, I need more time to construct jokes about you. Stop being Andrew Jones and starting out so strong. I am watching you. Consider yourself on the useless notion of probation. I am watching you. Get a driver, too, for 50k a year. When you get your next walk-off, you can go get drunk and avoid my rant for any negative reasons. Otherwise, you will go on double secret probation.
11. I liked Roberto Alomar's Hall of Fame Induction speech a lot. Genuine. One of the best 2nd baseman to play the game, most people are unaware that the spitting incident that he became infamous for had been resolved a long time ago and he remains friends with the umpire to this day. What is the cliche, even a good person can have a bad day. Check out his speech: http://mlb.mlb.com/news/article.jsp?ymd=20110724&content_id=22261158&vkey=news_mlb&c_id=mlb
12. I read a great article on the debate of who is the best point guard in the NBA. I found it interesting because of this. There was only 1 championship between all four players talked about. Rondo has one ring, but Paul was voted the best, with Rose and Williams also in the conversation. This take is not about me disagreeing with any of the people mentioned-just saying how it is odd that there were no rings really floating around that group. With those names mentioned, and with Mr. Irving coming in and Mr. Wall getting better most likely this year, I think we will be on the upswing on this topic, but kind of weird to break down the following. The PG is the QB of the floor, but aside from Magic, Zeke, and kind of Tony Parker, there has been no real dominant point guard to put a team on his back and get them a ring. My devil's advocate on this take would be that my statement also is a huge illustration about how dominant the triangle offense, an offense needing no true point guard, truly has dominated the last 20 years. Yes, Phil, you get some of the credit, but Tex Winter is getting the kudos in this thought.
13. Dibs to my rivals, the Ravens, or I am subconsciously confused about whether I am making fun of you or just scared you know something I don't know. You know you have a great defense and are confident in your backups when you release McGahee, Heap, and Mason all in the same week. You guys are like the Florida Marlins after their once a decade World Series championship, minus the championship of course. Yes, I know that have that one with Dilfer, just making the reference about a fire sale after a championship...twice.
14. Obama has the Giants to the White House. Any word from ESPN on how the hell they didn't get one freaking camera on Brian Wilson when the President was making fun of him? Was he holding back Tim Lincecum from going to bust up the Pres after he called him the skinny kid for the third time?
15. The Stow suspects might have assaulted others. I so hope Stow ends up OK, and I can't wait to see how this pans how. My Philly fans wouldn't even have pulled the shit you did. I hope you go to jail for a long time. No jokes. Just saying. Stow will continue to be in my rants until this thing is figured out.
16. I am not saying that he can't get others, and I will not piling on with any quitting jokes, but Jay Cutler just broke off the engagement with: http://www.google.com/search?q=kristin+cavallari&hl=en&biw=1440&bih=799&prmd=ivnsuol&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=bHYvTob9EaXniALF7bQr&sqi=2&ved=0CC4QsAQ
17. I love the MLB trading deadline. It is true. I still get excited for it. I will pay attention intently all the way up to the end of it, and then I suddenly realize that damn waiver rule which has like 10 players switch teams after the "deadline" anyway. What can I say? I am easily entertained.
18. DeSean Jackson might hold out. This outplaying your contract shit is so old. No, I can't sit here and tell you the difference between making $500,000 and $7 mil, but when did the love of sports come out of it? I won't get on a soapbox. Dude. Just get in camp, don't be a distraction, and realize you aren't exactly on welfare. You will get paid handsomely next year. You are too sick.
19. The Giants are considering bring Plax back suddenly. I never saw that coming. Did they suddenly come to the realization that there aren't too many 6'5" 232 lb receivers running around? Instead of "he went to prison," it is "he is two years older, but hasn't been hit in a couple years and has been working out and a better person, so he must be a YOUNG 34 years old." Plus, if he makes it back fully, we can start a trend about going to prison during your prime and then coming back to the NFL. Just don't have them dogsit or go hunting with you...
20. This Mike Brown/ Carson Palmer standoff is so odd. These guys are having a pissing contest, and now Marvin Lewis gets his happy group of campers back. This would be the Chandler part of the program. Too many jokes. This would be a multiple choice test:
a) crack on Mike Brown's stubbornness
b) crack on on Carson for telling us he has 84 mil in the bank
c) crack on ANYONE from the Bengals roster-there are enough targets
d) crack just on Ocho...kind of like making Finding Nemo 2 or Forrest Gump 2...it wouldn't work
\
21. Orton is evidently on the trading block. Don't trust that info yet. I got it from Fox.
22. Kevin Kolb to me is like...Sheryl Crowe. I am reaching here, but stay with me. I still will never have idea of why the song "All I Want To Do is Have Some Fun" was so freaking popular. I have no clue. It was an enigma wrapped in a puzzle. Pretty basic line, pretty basic 3 chord song, and pretty much not really a true hottie in my book. Aside from his physical traits, why is Kolb so coveted? Are the Eagles holding public practices that resemble games? Is he a Jedi and playing a mind trick on the entire football population? He has thrown for 2000 yards...in his career. Watch Seattle picks him up and Tavaris Jackson gets to sit behind another guy, with much less grey hair. I hope Tavaris keeps a journal. I would read it.
23. The NCAA is expanding the agent "definition," mostly because of the Cam Newton fiasco. Monday morning QB...dammit. That Cam story still pisses me off. What do you call players ambushing the agents who got them bad press with huge rings and trophies to beat them down with? A CamBush...Hardy har har...
24. McNabb might be going to the Vikings. Sure, why not? It is true, guys, that you have one of the best teams aside from a QB. Keep resigning these aging retreads. One of them will work. You guys are like a Redskin 2001-2009 Dan Snyder microcosm. You are just using the QB position as a retread vehicle, instead of your entire team.
25. Interesting story. I didn't know why Larry Johnson signed with Converse coming out of UNLV instead of Nike. Here is the deal. He dreamed of getting signed by Nike. UNLV wore Nike's (probably illegally in some way with that recruiting class. Are you LISTENING, Calipari?). Anyway, when he wasn't signed, it was because they said he was undersized to be a superstar. Converse calls him with this great commercial idea. Larry Bird and Magic Johnson in doctor's clothing creating the perfect basketball player...Larry....Johnson. That is kind of a funny idea. He signs at a later date, and finds out the commercial got scrapped because one of them backed out, still unknown which one. Hence plan B: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTwQ0qYUKvg
26. Interesting note#2. I made it through an entire rant without ONE Seinfeld reference. It won't happen again I promise.
27. More of a passive rant than Saturday's, but hope you enjoyed. Hmmm....Why am I going to name my next ex "slice?" Because I was purposely looking for a girl that didn't hook. Peace, people. Now, I'm done.
In no particular order of chronology or importance...
1. I have missed something. AND it deals with sports. The Gamecocks are South Carolina. When the hell did it get shortened to the Carolina Gamecocks? I was behind a car with a window sticker with those words. If I hadn't been on my way to work, I would have pulled the guy over and inquired. I have never heard of that. I am going on a roadtrip looking for Virginia Mountaineer stickers. I will be gone for a while probably.
2. Favre might be a backup in Philly. People, he has the media and us wrapped around his finger. I admit it. I still opened the article. Damn. The agent has told everyone to cool it, but something tells me that if they did get on the same team, a fight would break out during suicides when Favre yelled out that Vick was dogging it.
3. Seattle loses 16 in a row and then a day later says that they are not considering trading Felix. Poor guy. He could have about 7 extra wins per year if they had run support, and he still can't get a ticket out of town. He was going to call Zach Greinke for drinks, but then remembered that he DID get out somehow.
4. I can't think of who his face is kind of combined with, but you tell me. This doesn't look enough like him to me to have on your skin. I only have one tattoo, but he sketched it first. I would have taken a look at the rough draft, bro. I won't even get into the easy joke of cracking on the concept of the story... http://www.foxsportsflorida.com/07/25/11/Heat-fan-gets-LeBrons-face-tattooed-on-l/landing_heat.html?blockID=541286&feedID=3720
5. I think that the Favre comeback story is helping me shield how tired I am of Terrelle Pryor. Go have a couple drinks with Maurice Clarett, invite Marcus Vick if you want things to get crazy, and stay off the wire. You are crowding out other good things going on.
6. Michael Phelps forgot his swim trunks at a recent meet. I didn't have to dig on this story. It was 4th in order on the Fox wire. I think it was right below the NFL CBA story. Wow, that site cracks me up. On a side note, I am not having a separate take on the signing of the CBA. Just glad it is done.
7. Tigerland better open pretty soon. Apparently it has a practice area with bunkers, driving range, and full course. Hurry up, dude. It better open before you drop out of the twenties in golf rankings. Hey, maybe, you better delay that opening a little more and have a robotic caddy constructed who stays with you through thick and thin, helps you win 10 plus majors, and is like family to you when everyone else is hating on you. I am sure they can make a robot like that. Make sure he has an Australian accent too. Either that, or call that Rocky 4 robot. I hear she is looking for work. AND, she has never worked at Perkins, so your thoughts can remain clean. Maybe just give Rodney Dangerfield a call. Maybe he has that Caddyshack in a mobile version at this point.
8. I have watched tennis my whole life. I never would have thought that I would admit that a guy named Mardy Fish is the best American player in the world. Hey, Mardy, that is not as much a compliment to you as it is a total slam on the present state of American tennis. It is still not an American sport, but it is easier to explain than our soccer inadequacies. Plus, we already had a couple times in the sun. Get it together, men. Hey, Roddick. I am glad we didn't submit to your request of calling you ARod after you won your first one. That would have been premature. Just a bit, underperformer...
9. And the remnants of the old Colorado/ Detroit rivalry are almost fully out of the system. Kris Draper retires after 20 years. I am a fan of neither, but will say that in my time in Denver, that they owned this town for a decade or so FOR A RIVALRY, not as a team-that was Elway. It was pretty intense, but it gives you renewed respect for rivalries such as Carolina/ Duke and Boston/ NYY, rivalries that are based on the organization, not the players. This one is more about the players and incidents in a pointed amount of time, and then die away when they all retire. The others are forever.
10. Jason Kipnis's first hit and RBI in his MLB career is a walk-off single. Nice, dude. Keep it up, because it just came out the Indians are going to be buyers in the market. Plus, I need more time to construct jokes about you. Stop being Andrew Jones and starting out so strong. I am watching you. Consider yourself on the useless notion of probation. I am watching you. Get a driver, too, for 50k a year. When you get your next walk-off, you can go get drunk and avoid my rant for any negative reasons. Otherwise, you will go on double secret probation.
11. I liked Roberto Alomar's Hall of Fame Induction speech a lot. Genuine. One of the best 2nd baseman to play the game, most people are unaware that the spitting incident that he became infamous for had been resolved a long time ago and he remains friends with the umpire to this day. What is the cliche, even a good person can have a bad day. Check out his speech: http://mlb.mlb.com/news/article.jsp?ymd=20110724&content_id=22261158&vkey=news_mlb&c_id=mlb
12. I read a great article on the debate of who is the best point guard in the NBA. I found it interesting because of this. There was only 1 championship between all four players talked about. Rondo has one ring, but Paul was voted the best, with Rose and Williams also in the conversation. This take is not about me disagreeing with any of the people mentioned-just saying how it is odd that there were no rings really floating around that group. With those names mentioned, and with Mr. Irving coming in and Mr. Wall getting better most likely this year, I think we will be on the upswing on this topic, but kind of weird to break down the following. The PG is the QB of the floor, but aside from Magic, Zeke, and kind of Tony Parker, there has been no real dominant point guard to put a team on his back and get them a ring. My devil's advocate on this take would be that my statement also is a huge illustration about how dominant the triangle offense, an offense needing no true point guard, truly has dominated the last 20 years. Yes, Phil, you get some of the credit, but Tex Winter is getting the kudos in this thought.
13. Dibs to my rivals, the Ravens, or I am subconsciously confused about whether I am making fun of you or just scared you know something I don't know. You know you have a great defense and are confident in your backups when you release McGahee, Heap, and Mason all in the same week. You guys are like the Florida Marlins after their once a decade World Series championship, minus the championship of course. Yes, I know that have that one with Dilfer, just making the reference about a fire sale after a championship...twice.
14. Obama has the Giants to the White House. Any word from ESPN on how the hell they didn't get one freaking camera on Brian Wilson when the President was making fun of him? Was he holding back Tim Lincecum from going to bust up the Pres after he called him the skinny kid for the third time?
15. The Stow suspects might have assaulted others. I so hope Stow ends up OK, and I can't wait to see how this pans how. My Philly fans wouldn't even have pulled the shit you did. I hope you go to jail for a long time. No jokes. Just saying. Stow will continue to be in my rants until this thing is figured out.
16. I am not saying that he can't get others, and I will not piling on with any quitting jokes, but Jay Cutler just broke off the engagement with: http://www.google.com/search?q=kristin+cavallari&hl=en&biw=1440&bih=799&prmd=ivnsuol&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=bHYvTob9EaXniALF7bQr&sqi=2&ved=0CC4QsAQ
17. I love the MLB trading deadline. It is true. I still get excited for it. I will pay attention intently all the way up to the end of it, and then I suddenly realize that damn waiver rule which has like 10 players switch teams after the "deadline" anyway. What can I say? I am easily entertained.
18. DeSean Jackson might hold out. This outplaying your contract shit is so old. No, I can't sit here and tell you the difference between making $500,000 and $7 mil, but when did the love of sports come out of it? I won't get on a soapbox. Dude. Just get in camp, don't be a distraction, and realize you aren't exactly on welfare. You will get paid handsomely next year. You are too sick.
19. The Giants are considering bring Plax back suddenly. I never saw that coming. Did they suddenly come to the realization that there aren't too many 6'5" 232 lb receivers running around? Instead of "he went to prison," it is "he is two years older, but hasn't been hit in a couple years and has been working out and a better person, so he must be a YOUNG 34 years old." Plus, if he makes it back fully, we can start a trend about going to prison during your prime and then coming back to the NFL. Just don't have them dogsit or go hunting with you...
20. This Mike Brown/ Carson Palmer standoff is so odd. These guys are having a pissing contest, and now Marvin Lewis gets his happy group of campers back. This would be the Chandler part of the program. Too many jokes. This would be a multiple choice test:
a) crack on Mike Brown's stubbornness
b) crack on on Carson for telling us he has 84 mil in the bank
c) crack on ANYONE from the Bengals roster-there are enough targets
d) crack just on Ocho...kind of like making Finding Nemo 2 or Forrest Gump 2...it wouldn't work
\
21. Orton is evidently on the trading block. Don't trust that info yet. I got it from Fox.
22. Kevin Kolb to me is like...Sheryl Crowe. I am reaching here, but stay with me. I still will never have idea of why the song "All I Want To Do is Have Some Fun" was so freaking popular. I have no clue. It was an enigma wrapped in a puzzle. Pretty basic line, pretty basic 3 chord song, and pretty much not really a true hottie in my book. Aside from his physical traits, why is Kolb so coveted? Are the Eagles holding public practices that resemble games? Is he a Jedi and playing a mind trick on the entire football population? He has thrown for 2000 yards...in his career. Watch Seattle picks him up and Tavaris Jackson gets to sit behind another guy, with much less grey hair. I hope Tavaris keeps a journal. I would read it.
23. The NCAA is expanding the agent "definition," mostly because of the Cam Newton fiasco. Monday morning QB...dammit. That Cam story still pisses me off. What do you call players ambushing the agents who got them bad press with huge rings and trophies to beat them down with? A CamBush...Hardy har har...
24. McNabb might be going to the Vikings. Sure, why not? It is true, guys, that you have one of the best teams aside from a QB. Keep resigning these aging retreads. One of them will work. You guys are like a Redskin 2001-2009 Dan Snyder microcosm. You are just using the QB position as a retread vehicle, instead of your entire team.
25. Interesting story. I didn't know why Larry Johnson signed with Converse coming out of UNLV instead of Nike. Here is the deal. He dreamed of getting signed by Nike. UNLV wore Nike's (probably illegally in some way with that recruiting class. Are you LISTENING, Calipari?). Anyway, when he wasn't signed, it was because they said he was undersized to be a superstar. Converse calls him with this great commercial idea. Larry Bird and Magic Johnson in doctor's clothing creating the perfect basketball player...Larry....Johnson. That is kind of a funny idea. He signs at a later date, and finds out the commercial got scrapped because one of them backed out, still unknown which one. Hence plan B: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTwQ0qYUKvg
26. Interesting note#2. I made it through an entire rant without ONE Seinfeld reference. It won't happen again I promise.
27. More of a passive rant than Saturday's, but hope you enjoyed. Hmmm....Why am I going to name my next ex "slice?" Because I was purposely looking for a girl that didn't hook. Peace, people. Now, I'm done.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
072311
Read it, don't read it, I don't care...I just need to get some things off my chest.
In no particular order of chronology or importance...
1. First things first...to put some pressure on my fellow blogger, who is just getting started also, to write more reviews, check out his movie review site...very insightful stuff...http://rockiesmovies.blogspot.com/ I would also like to hyperlink where I am writing this...http://www.pubonpenn.com/home/
2, In reference to my last rant, and things happening in threes, you can call off the dogs on Big Ben. He got married today. I am so sorry to all of those college co-eds who lawyers evidently can prove didn't say no, and in the words of Meg Ryan, "that boy is off the market..."
3. I don't know about you, but I feel like Derek Lowe has been pitching since Winger was popular. What, Derek? You don't even know who Winger is? Either ask Jamie Moyer or check this shit out. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GlN3oEjMpUQ
4. Steve Williams comments after his dismissal were powerful and persuasive. If I had a shadow of a doubt that there was something else going on to provoke Tiger's misconstrued and badly timed firing, I am a believer now that there wasn't. Bad move, Tiger. I would take Steve on my bag any day of the week, for distances and being there when the world was/ is hating you.
5. Steve Nash...sure. Deron Williams...sure. But does anyone else really think that Kobe is really going to go play basketball in Turkey? I think not. I would list the reasons, but I have been told to control my stream of consciousness that occurs during these rants. Stop clogging up the wire with this ridiculous story.
6. Looks good on the NFL front. My personal funniest breaking story that I have heard in a while is that "the players have tentatively agreed to vote on the new CBA on Monday." Thanks for breaking the huge news that they are wishy washy on actually voting on Monday. Save your freaking air time, and just tell me on Monday what happens. Or at least don't classify it as "breaking."
7. My new favorite commercial of all time for the next 2 weeks (I say that for songs too) is the fantasy football commercial where the guy picks Houshmandzadeh in the lyrics of Heart "Barracuda." I rolled off my couch sober today after it was on again. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BOJjoEX5cKk
8. Beaten down fan, and sad story of the year, Stow opened his eyes yesterday AND 3 more arrests were made. My thoughts are with you, bro. Keep fighting.
9. Is anyone else excited about 2013, when Bonds and Clemens both have eligibility for the Hall of Fame? I think MLB should deflect their possible vetoes by letting in my boy Rose in that same year. He was betting on himself to WIN! Two guys have over 4000 hits and you are dissing one of them? Listen, Ty Cobb wasn't exactly...I was going to say Mother Theresa, but I think this one is better...Tim Tebow. Yeah!
10. I have a few comments about the WNBA All Star game...just kidding....WAIT! HOLD ON! I do have a WNBA take only because it involves UVA and me. Dawn Staley is now in the WNBA Hall of Fame. Dibs to her. You are a cool chick, have serious skills, were a pioneer in getting the WNBA more popular, and didn't even showboat when you occasionally went around me and scored at the Slaughter Gym at UVA. Thanks, Dawn.
11. I will never say it is the best plot, because that is absolutely impossible to decipher, but the plot of the Seinfeld Frogger episode always makes me chuckle. George has to figure out a way to move an ancient arcade machine to his place without losing power to it because it still has HIS high score in it from like 10-20 years ago. Hold on. I have to pause. I just laughed again writing that line. Brilliant. As I always have said, the early Seinfelds have better dialogue, but the plots are kind of funnier in the later ones. Before you ask, I still am on the side of the early ones, with the peak at the midpoint in 1994 and 1995.
12. I am not going to give you a link OR tell you about it. I will just tease you, so you personally have to experience the pain of going on FoxSports.com (PEOPLE! I only go on there to get these ridiculous stories). Check out how Brent Musburger went missing in Vegas and was found with Twitter and those masterminds at FoxSports.
13. Check this own goal out by an Arsenal defender. http://www.sbnation.com/soccer/2011/7/23/2289912/carl-jenkinson-arsenal-own-goal-video
14. One more. Check out Jordan Farmar's trick shot at a camp. http://espn.go.com/video/clip?id=6794919
15. I think I am missing a joke. And I am going to admit it. Is Old Spice serious about it bringing Fabio on board as a spokesman, or is it funny because they are making fun of the idea of doing it? So confused.
16. The Buckeyes evidently won't get the death penalty. Evidently, it was because they kept their cards close to the vest. Hardy har har.
17. This trading deadline is making me feel like I am at a beauty pageant in Idaho (sorry, Idaho people I had to pick a state and I thought the possible pun I could do (but didn't) might be funny. It is a population thing. Nothing against you). It exists and I am excited for it, but the quality of the trade names doesn't really jump off the page. Beltran and Bell as the top possibilities? Why isn't anyone mentioning that Beltran didn't exactly start belting it too much once the ink was dry on his last overpaying contract?
18. With people like Pacman Jones, Ron Artest, and Manny Ramirez in existence, does anyone else think that we have yet to feel the wrath of Twitter?
19. If I hypothetically wanted a midnight blue colored toothbrush, where would I go? I was at the grocery store this morning and realized that for my entire life, toothbrushes are made in the colors of glow sticks at Phish concerts. Why? Are small kids who like bright colors the only people the toothbrush companies are selling to? I have no rationale to explain this. I know. Bright colors show cleanliness, but c'mon. Put this in my same question submission as the Fabio thing.
20. Oh. Here we go. Sure, some people think it. Some people say it in bars. Some people totally believe it. However, Golden Tate, don't TWEET it. Or at least wait until you have a couple good seasons under your belt and aren't an unproven rookie to go public with it. Idiot. I am talking about the people saying NASCAR racers aren't athletes. I would never do that.
21. Not being a homer, just saying. Chase Utley healthy makes that Phillies team much more dangerous than they already were. That's it.
22. Sellers in baseball really intrigue me. You have sellers who are 5 games out. Talk about glass half empty...
23. Random personal story. I was playing pool last night playing partner pool. I broke. Good break, but nothing went down. The random other guy shoots and makes a couple. My partner shoots and makes nothing (long night for him). The other random guy shoot and gets it down to one ball. Random guy #1 says to Random Guy #2 "don't worry, one more and we are home. Good to go." I look the guy square in the face and say "understand this. You are never home when you are playing against me. Cool?" I then ran the table, ending the game with one bank, and a crazy cross bank on the eight. I am retired on pool for the weekend I think. Those guys wouldn't play us again by the way.
24. Tennessee is on probation. Without using any obvious Animal House references, what the HELL is probation? Operate as normal, and know that we are watching you. Dumb. If I am on probation or not on probation, isn't my intention to act the same? Does it affect me...being on probation?
25. Steve Carell was on Jon Stewart the other night. Hilarious. Jon had to follow up Harry Potter with SOMETHING, right? Anyway, it amazes me the number of popular celebrities that started on The Daily Show. It is like a breeding ground.
26. Lawrence Frank got the Pistons job? Damn. That totally ruins my dream of Zeke coaching them and then bringing back Iverson. It would have been awesome. Guess I don't need to get the NBA package now though. Detroit bars have already posted his picture in bars to make it clear that he is not really 12 years old.
27. OK. The Tour de France. No, I am not going to talk about Evans. I don't know anything about him. BUT. I do have some thoughts. First of all, Evans winning guarantees that he will stay popular as I am sure there will be a doping allegation within the calendar year. Next, Mr. Tour de France commisioner, why do you end the race on a flat, celebratory ride? Have you ever watched a car race? a horse race? Dude, it is what makes it must-see. Your little honorary flat final ride is stupid. Period. To add to my anger on this, guess what the next to last stage is? A time trial. For people who don't know what that is, it is each rider riding by themself, starting at intervals in reverse order of standings. It is exciting. I am not being sarcastic. Don't put it as the next to last stage before the stupid flat ride though. You are basically saying to me that you have a race, that involves no head to head, eye to eye, talking shit (I don't know if they do, but if not, someone show them old Gary Payton footage) racing in any of the last two stages. Ass backwards if you ask for me.
28. Wow. Talk about stream of consciousness. I just realized I am on my 28th thought with like 10 things still on my list. I will shut it down. In the words of Matt Damon in Rounders, "I've made promises."
29. Hmmmm... Taint joke....ummm....OK, it is not real strong, but it will work. What do you call it when a guy falls in love with Taint? Hooker, Line, and Sinker...Now I'm done.
In no particular order of chronology or importance...
1. First things first...to put some pressure on my fellow blogger, who is just getting started also, to write more reviews, check out his movie review site...very insightful stuff...http://rockiesmovies.blogspot.com/ I would also like to hyperlink where I am writing this...http://www.pubonpenn.com/home/
2, In reference to my last rant, and things happening in threes, you can call off the dogs on Big Ben. He got married today. I am so sorry to all of those college co-eds who lawyers evidently can prove didn't say no, and in the words of Meg Ryan, "that boy is off the market..."
3. I don't know about you, but I feel like Derek Lowe has been pitching since Winger was popular. What, Derek? You don't even know who Winger is? Either ask Jamie Moyer or check this shit out. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GlN3oEjMpUQ
4. Steve Williams comments after his dismissal were powerful and persuasive. If I had a shadow of a doubt that there was something else going on to provoke Tiger's misconstrued and badly timed firing, I am a believer now that there wasn't. Bad move, Tiger. I would take Steve on my bag any day of the week, for distances and being there when the world was/ is hating you.
5. Steve Nash...sure. Deron Williams...sure. But does anyone else really think that Kobe is really going to go play basketball in Turkey? I think not. I would list the reasons, but I have been told to control my stream of consciousness that occurs during these rants. Stop clogging up the wire with this ridiculous story.
6. Looks good on the NFL front. My personal funniest breaking story that I have heard in a while is that "the players have tentatively agreed to vote on the new CBA on Monday." Thanks for breaking the huge news that they are wishy washy on actually voting on Monday. Save your freaking air time, and just tell me on Monday what happens. Or at least don't classify it as "breaking."
7. My new favorite commercial of all time for the next 2 weeks (I say that for songs too) is the fantasy football commercial where the guy picks Houshmandzadeh in the lyrics of Heart "Barracuda." I rolled off my couch sober today after it was on again. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BOJjoEX5cKk
8. Beaten down fan, and sad story of the year, Stow opened his eyes yesterday AND 3 more arrests were made. My thoughts are with you, bro. Keep fighting.
9. Is anyone else excited about 2013, when Bonds and Clemens both have eligibility for the Hall of Fame? I think MLB should deflect their possible vetoes by letting in my boy Rose in that same year. He was betting on himself to WIN! Two guys have over 4000 hits and you are dissing one of them? Listen, Ty Cobb wasn't exactly...I was going to say Mother Theresa, but I think this one is better...Tim Tebow. Yeah!
10. I have a few comments about the WNBA All Star game...just kidding....WAIT! HOLD ON! I do have a WNBA take only because it involves UVA and me. Dawn Staley is now in the WNBA Hall of Fame. Dibs to her. You are a cool chick, have serious skills, were a pioneer in getting the WNBA more popular, and didn't even showboat when you occasionally went around me and scored at the Slaughter Gym at UVA. Thanks, Dawn.
11. I will never say it is the best plot, because that is absolutely impossible to decipher, but the plot of the Seinfeld Frogger episode always makes me chuckle. George has to figure out a way to move an ancient arcade machine to his place without losing power to it because it still has HIS high score in it from like 10-20 years ago. Hold on. I have to pause. I just laughed again writing that line. Brilliant. As I always have said, the early Seinfelds have better dialogue, but the plots are kind of funnier in the later ones. Before you ask, I still am on the side of the early ones, with the peak at the midpoint in 1994 and 1995.
12. I am not going to give you a link OR tell you about it. I will just tease you, so you personally have to experience the pain of going on FoxSports.com (PEOPLE! I only go on there to get these ridiculous stories). Check out how Brent Musburger went missing in Vegas and was found with Twitter and those masterminds at FoxSports.
13. Check this own goal out by an Arsenal defender. http://www.sbnation.com/soccer/2011/7/23/2289912/carl-jenkinson-arsenal-own-goal-video
14. One more. Check out Jordan Farmar's trick shot at a camp. http://espn.go.com/video/clip?id=6794919
15. I think I am missing a joke. And I am going to admit it. Is Old Spice serious about it bringing Fabio on board as a spokesman, or is it funny because they are making fun of the idea of doing it? So confused.
16. The Buckeyes evidently won't get the death penalty. Evidently, it was because they kept their cards close to the vest. Hardy har har.
17. This trading deadline is making me feel like I am at a beauty pageant in Idaho (sorry, Idaho people I had to pick a state and I thought the possible pun I could do (but didn't) might be funny. It is a population thing. Nothing against you). It exists and I am excited for it, but the quality of the trade names doesn't really jump off the page. Beltran and Bell as the top possibilities? Why isn't anyone mentioning that Beltran didn't exactly start belting it too much once the ink was dry on his last overpaying contract?
18. With people like Pacman Jones, Ron Artest, and Manny Ramirez in existence, does anyone else think that we have yet to feel the wrath of Twitter?
19. If I hypothetically wanted a midnight blue colored toothbrush, where would I go? I was at the grocery store this morning and realized that for my entire life, toothbrushes are made in the colors of glow sticks at Phish concerts. Why? Are small kids who like bright colors the only people the toothbrush companies are selling to? I have no rationale to explain this. I know. Bright colors show cleanliness, but c'mon. Put this in my same question submission as the Fabio thing.
20. Oh. Here we go. Sure, some people think it. Some people say it in bars. Some people totally believe it. However, Golden Tate, don't TWEET it. Or at least wait until you have a couple good seasons under your belt and aren't an unproven rookie to go public with it. Idiot. I am talking about the people saying NASCAR racers aren't athletes. I would never do that.
21. Not being a homer, just saying. Chase Utley healthy makes that Phillies team much more dangerous than they already were. That's it.
22. Sellers in baseball really intrigue me. You have sellers who are 5 games out. Talk about glass half empty...
23. Random personal story. I was playing pool last night playing partner pool. I broke. Good break, but nothing went down. The random other guy shoots and makes a couple. My partner shoots and makes nothing (long night for him). The other random guy shoot and gets it down to one ball. Random guy #1 says to Random Guy #2 "don't worry, one more and we are home. Good to go." I look the guy square in the face and say "understand this. You are never home when you are playing against me. Cool?" I then ran the table, ending the game with one bank, and a crazy cross bank on the eight. I am retired on pool for the weekend I think. Those guys wouldn't play us again by the way.
24. Tennessee is on probation. Without using any obvious Animal House references, what the HELL is probation? Operate as normal, and know that we are watching you. Dumb. If I am on probation or not on probation, isn't my intention to act the same? Does it affect me...being on probation?
25. Steve Carell was on Jon Stewart the other night. Hilarious. Jon had to follow up Harry Potter with SOMETHING, right? Anyway, it amazes me the number of popular celebrities that started on The Daily Show. It is like a breeding ground.
26. Lawrence Frank got the Pistons job? Damn. That totally ruins my dream of Zeke coaching them and then bringing back Iverson. It would have been awesome. Guess I don't need to get the NBA package now though. Detroit bars have already posted his picture in bars to make it clear that he is not really 12 years old.
27. OK. The Tour de France. No, I am not going to talk about Evans. I don't know anything about him. BUT. I do have some thoughts. First of all, Evans winning guarantees that he will stay popular as I am sure there will be a doping allegation within the calendar year. Next, Mr. Tour de France commisioner, why do you end the race on a flat, celebratory ride? Have you ever watched a car race? a horse race? Dude, it is what makes it must-see. Your little honorary flat final ride is stupid. Period. To add to my anger on this, guess what the next to last stage is? A time trial. For people who don't know what that is, it is each rider riding by themself, starting at intervals in reverse order of standings. It is exciting. I am not being sarcastic. Don't put it as the next to last stage before the stupid flat ride though. You are basically saying to me that you have a race, that involves no head to head, eye to eye, talking shit (I don't know if they do, but if not, someone show them old Gary Payton footage) racing in any of the last two stages. Ass backwards if you ask for me.
28. Wow. Talk about stream of consciousness. I just realized I am on my 28th thought with like 10 things still on my list. I will shut it down. In the words of Matt Damon in Rounders, "I've made promises."
29. Hmmmm... Taint joke....ummm....OK, it is not real strong, but it will work. What do you call it when a guy falls in love with Taint? Hooker, Line, and Sinker...Now I'm done.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
072011
Read it, don't read it, I don't care...I am just getting some things off my chest.
In no particular order of chronology or importance...
1. YES! Let's start with someone who eventually is going to just get his own separate blog section on here. Dude. You just make my blog easier to write. The fact that I get one thing from you every week is one less take I have to worry about manufacturing. Kenny Britt. He was handcuffed on stage at a Britney Spears concert on stage. I was so excited you were back in the news that I forgot to really read the article. All I know is with that ambiguous headline, either way of looking at it is totally possible.
2. WSOP. Two quick things. I am amazed of how popular the sport got about 10-15 years ago, largely because of one of my favorite flicks Rounders (yes, I believe it had the biggest persuasion on the public. It's my story and I am sticking to it), the online surge, and some of the famous experts of the game. Since it has become popular and all those guys became famous, no big name ever wins it. I read the final table lineup and of course, no big names again. I WAS happy to find out that Jason Alexander was one of three celebrities who made the third day. I bet you he was betting the opposite.
3. If I ever lose my mind, I am going to call Marvin Lewis's therapist. I am just assuming he has a therapist with the cast of characters he is managing over there.
4. I opened up the article about Jim McMahon's limo driving through a random fence in a field outside of Reno. I was sad to not read anything special involved in this incident. The biggest personality of a sport in the 80's in a limo that goes through a fence and there is nothing exciting about it? No hookers? No drinking? Just would seem right.
5. Michael Vick went to Congress about his anti-dogfighting stance (congrats on your new endorsement, dog killer-Fuse Science). I was going to talk about how I think this cause sounds so fake to me, but I was too excited about my new useless fact. During the coverage, I found out that in Montana it is legal to watch two animals fight. That is just odd. What is going on up there? I hope they base the Rise of the Planet of the Apes from there.
6. The Mets are so confusing. They trade away one of the highest closers in the game, are shopping Beltran allegedly, but have proclaimed they are keeping Reyes. Don't you idiots realize that in baseball you are either a buyer or seller? Pick a side and stick with it. Talk about straddling the fence...
7. Yay. The CBA is approved apparently. Let's get this shit on...and thanks for not making me wander the streets aimlessly on Sunday afternoon. Make me do that after the second round of games.
8. Mendenhahl...Mendenhall (damn. why did I think their was another "h" in there? An extra consonant? Who do I think he is? Kim Clijsters? Djokovic? ) is suing Champion for dropping him after his weird comments after Bin Laden's death. I am not counting this as the third thing in the Steelers' things happen in three's. This is like 2.2. I am still scared there is a .8 coming. Did anyone ever call Ben/ every local college bar in every town in any part of the country?
9. Shaq is already at it, days after being announced. I LOVE it. He called the Heat the Big Two. Hey Shaq, look at my previous take. I think you should have called them the Big 2.5 or something. It would have been funnier I think.
10. I didn't win the random lottery for the Masters tickets. I can't win ANYTHING in life unless it involves any kind of skill. Can we shoot pool or play a Golden Tee tournament for them?
11. The NBA schedule was released. SO weird listening to the games of the year announced when they are still in a lockout. It is like watching a nun through an open window get in the shower.
12. Quietly, Tampa Bay resigned Stamkos. Solid move. He is definitely a keeper, and you guys aren't going anywhere.
13. I love how LSU is announced as preseason #1 in some polls this week within a day or two of the NCAA announcing they are on probation. With an unproven QB. Classic. Hmmm.. what would be a parallel? How about this? It would be like Kenny Britt volunteering for charity work when he is on work release. I actually had a better one, but wanted to sneak in Kenny Britt again.
14. Stephen Strasburg might be back in mid September. What are you guys smoking? Are you planning on getting above .500 at least first? You are going to rush back the jewel of your franchise while you are out of the playoff picture with a month left in the season? Wow. This is not like Tracy Austin hypothetically taking a year off back in the day knowing her prime was 16.
15. Chris Osgood retires and the headline mentions he had 401 wins. Uhhhh... My headline would read Chris Osgood retires after winning 3 Stanley Cups. Take THAT and rewind it back.
16. OK. This is tough for me. My boy, Tiger, fired his caddie today. Listen, man. Make up any story you want to the media. Maybe you needed to do it now for whatever reason. Let me just say this. What it LOOKS like is that you are blaming your caddie for your troubles. And what fans you have left just got smaller (don't worry, I am still totally in your corner and awaiting your comeback anxiously) It is YOU, dude. Your yanked drives had nothing to do what Williams was whispering in your ear before you approached the tee. Maybe you are setting up blaming the chicks on him too. Dude, c'mon. And how the HELL are you playing a charity event in August with an injury you are resting? I am sure that Michael Jordan would take it easy playing in a charity game when he was hurt...moving on.
17. I found it a very sad blurb that the boy died who got in the fender bender when Lamar Odom was a passenger in the other car. My thoughts go out to his family.
18. I was at my first ballgame in a while this past weekend. Those rails ARE a little low. You do what you have to do, Rangers. Raise those things. I am tall, but was sober. And I was STILL looking down, hoping the batter didn't pull it. I am glad a ball wasn't hit my way, because it tempts you.
19. Nolan Ryan is out of the hospital. I am glad to hear that. Word is that he was telling the nurses about his 4th no-hitter when the nurses suddenly decided he could be cared for at home. I will take care of you, Nolan, if you want to talk about the remaining 3.
20. Hey, Ryan Reynolds. Now this is a better role for you. Change-up. My confusion is this. This would have been a great opportunity for Hollywood to bring back Travolta and Cage for this one. Kind of an older, funny, less action version of Face-Off.
21. When I read the baseball stats these days, I think of a stat that no one really talks about that I think is quickly going to be considered an unbreakable record (Joe, don't worry. 56 will always be #1 and Hack Wilson will always be #2 in my book). With the way athletes and the game has changed, I personally am going to make this proclamation. I see no way that Rickey Henderson is touched for stolen bases. EVER. EVER people unless they change the rules. Check this out. We have better athletes in the sport now (evidently stronger arms at catcher also), and the active player with the most, Juan Pierre, has 542. Let that settle in. 542. Rickey Henderson has 1406. Juan Pierre is 33 years old. In case you are curious, Carl Crawford has a monstrous 417.
22. I was watching Caddyshack the other night, a couple weeks after Top Gun, and realized that Kenny Loggins owned the soundtrack scene in the 80's. Shut up. I wasn't also thinking of Footloose. My mind was actually on Over the Top initially, embarrassingly enough.
23. Here come the Rangers, just in case you need all great pitching and didn't believe their run last year. I am writing that, but I didn't believe their run, and I think you need great pitching. Damn, that must be a fun team to play on. Kind of like a more hitting, less pitching fun Oakland Athletics teams of the late nineties.
24. Harry Potter, Part 2. I have already cracked on the Part 2 concept as a final movie, as George Lucas already had that idea like 25 years ago, but just so you know Mr. Potter, you weren't even funny on Jon Stewart? If that guy can't make you funny, no one can. Hell, Colbert even made Henry Kissinger look like a part time comedian. I evidently have something against the Potter movies even though I have never seen them. I will bring this up and the fact that I dislike Phil Mickelson for no reason when I go see Marvin Lewis's therapist.
25. I think I am sane because of my parents. Not just for the "being a great parent" thing. When all of my schoolmates were getting mopeds, new Gap clothes, Swatches, Members Only jackets, and Mongooses, my parents got me the best present I could ever ask for. They got me a heavy bag for our garage/ shed. Of course, it doesn't hurt that I grew up right outside Philly in the prime of Rocky's popularity, I LOVED that thing. Anyway, I am still sane because a bad day is always remedied by 20 minutes on the bag. If I am not angry, I swim. Since my knees evidently weren't ever going to make me an NBA player (it was my KNEES dammit), I guess I will have to say the best exercises in my life are boxing and swimming. If you don't do either, try one some time. One allows you to not hit the guy who looks at you funny walking down the street, and the other let's you meditate in between flip turns.
26. Yao retires. Short take as I have already covered this one. Rumor is that he heard that Steve Francis AND Iverson were making comebacks. Poor guy. He was actually thinking about coming back when he heard that McGrady had a no-trade clause.
27. I never saw this one coming. Rumor is that 75 players are suing the NFL over concussions. Damn. I want to be part of a class action suit. Either that, or I wish I would have liked coffee and beat that damn McDonald's guy to the punch.
28. As mad as I was for the Japan soccer team for beating our girls, it is a great story for them with all of their recent tragedies. Congrats, ladies.
29. I gotta go. The Wayne Brady episode of Dave Chappelle episode is on. As one shepherd said to the other shepherd, let's get the flock out of here. In case any of you newcomers don't get my closing lines, here you go.
[after rescuing Roger and Rianne]
Martin Riggs: What did one shepherd say to the other shepherd? Let's get the flock out of here!
Share this quote
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BTqgp6jKbqE
30. What would you call Taint if she was an 80's wrestler? Roddy Piper? No. Hook Hogan? No. How about Jimmy the Super Fly Hooka. Peace.
In no particular order of chronology or importance...
1. YES! Let's start with someone who eventually is going to just get his own separate blog section on here. Dude. You just make my blog easier to write. The fact that I get one thing from you every week is one less take I have to worry about manufacturing. Kenny Britt. He was handcuffed on stage at a Britney Spears concert on stage. I was so excited you were back in the news that I forgot to really read the article. All I know is with that ambiguous headline, either way of looking at it is totally possible.
2. WSOP. Two quick things. I am amazed of how popular the sport got about 10-15 years ago, largely because of one of my favorite flicks Rounders (yes, I believe it had the biggest persuasion on the public. It's my story and I am sticking to it), the online surge, and some of the famous experts of the game. Since it has become popular and all those guys became famous, no big name ever wins it. I read the final table lineup and of course, no big names again. I WAS happy to find out that Jason Alexander was one of three celebrities who made the third day. I bet you he was betting the opposite.
3. If I ever lose my mind, I am going to call Marvin Lewis's therapist. I am just assuming he has a therapist with the cast of characters he is managing over there.
4. I opened up the article about Jim McMahon's limo driving through a random fence in a field outside of Reno. I was sad to not read anything special involved in this incident. The biggest personality of a sport in the 80's in a limo that goes through a fence and there is nothing exciting about it? No hookers? No drinking? Just would seem right.
5. Michael Vick went to Congress about his anti-dogfighting stance (congrats on your new endorsement, dog killer-Fuse Science). I was going to talk about how I think this cause sounds so fake to me, but I was too excited about my new useless fact. During the coverage, I found out that in Montana it is legal to watch two animals fight. That is just odd. What is going on up there? I hope they base the Rise of the Planet of the Apes from there.
6. The Mets are so confusing. They trade away one of the highest closers in the game, are shopping Beltran allegedly, but have proclaimed they are keeping Reyes. Don't you idiots realize that in baseball you are either a buyer or seller? Pick a side and stick with it. Talk about straddling the fence...
7. Yay. The CBA is approved apparently. Let's get this shit on...and thanks for not making me wander the streets aimlessly on Sunday afternoon. Make me do that after the second round of games.
8. Mendenhahl...Mendenhall (damn. why did I think their was another "h" in there? An extra consonant? Who do I think he is? Kim Clijsters? Djokovic? ) is suing Champion for dropping him after his weird comments after Bin Laden's death. I am not counting this as the third thing in the Steelers' things happen in three's. This is like 2.2. I am still scared there is a .8 coming. Did anyone ever call Ben/ every local college bar in every town in any part of the country?
9. Shaq is already at it, days after being announced. I LOVE it. He called the Heat the Big Two. Hey Shaq, look at my previous take. I think you should have called them the Big 2.5 or something. It would have been funnier I think.
10. I didn't win the random lottery for the Masters tickets. I can't win ANYTHING in life unless it involves any kind of skill. Can we shoot pool or play a Golden Tee tournament for them?
11. The NBA schedule was released. SO weird listening to the games of the year announced when they are still in a lockout. It is like watching a nun through an open window get in the shower.
12. Quietly, Tampa Bay resigned Stamkos. Solid move. He is definitely a keeper, and you guys aren't going anywhere.
13. I love how LSU is announced as preseason #1 in some polls this week within a day or two of the NCAA announcing they are on probation. With an unproven QB. Classic. Hmmm.. what would be a parallel? How about this? It would be like Kenny Britt volunteering for charity work when he is on work release. I actually had a better one, but wanted to sneak in Kenny Britt again.
14. Stephen Strasburg might be back in mid September. What are you guys smoking? Are you planning on getting above .500 at least first? You are going to rush back the jewel of your franchise while you are out of the playoff picture with a month left in the season? Wow. This is not like Tracy Austin hypothetically taking a year off back in the day knowing her prime was 16.
15. Chris Osgood retires and the headline mentions he had 401 wins. Uhhhh... My headline would read Chris Osgood retires after winning 3 Stanley Cups. Take THAT and rewind it back.
16. OK. This is tough for me. My boy, Tiger, fired his caddie today. Listen, man. Make up any story you want to the media. Maybe you needed to do it now for whatever reason. Let me just say this. What it LOOKS like is that you are blaming your caddie for your troubles. And what fans you have left just got smaller (don't worry, I am still totally in your corner and awaiting your comeback anxiously) It is YOU, dude. Your yanked drives had nothing to do what Williams was whispering in your ear before you approached the tee. Maybe you are setting up blaming the chicks on him too. Dude, c'mon. And how the HELL are you playing a charity event in August with an injury you are resting? I am sure that Michael Jordan would take it easy playing in a charity game when he was hurt...moving on.
17. I found it a very sad blurb that the boy died who got in the fender bender when Lamar Odom was a passenger in the other car. My thoughts go out to his family.
18. I was at my first ballgame in a while this past weekend. Those rails ARE a little low. You do what you have to do, Rangers. Raise those things. I am tall, but was sober. And I was STILL looking down, hoping the batter didn't pull it. I am glad a ball wasn't hit my way, because it tempts you.
19. Nolan Ryan is out of the hospital. I am glad to hear that. Word is that he was telling the nurses about his 4th no-hitter when the nurses suddenly decided he could be cared for at home. I will take care of you, Nolan, if you want to talk about the remaining 3.
20. Hey, Ryan Reynolds. Now this is a better role for you. Change-up. My confusion is this. This would have been a great opportunity for Hollywood to bring back Travolta and Cage for this one. Kind of an older, funny, less action version of Face-Off.
21. When I read the baseball stats these days, I think of a stat that no one really talks about that I think is quickly going to be considered an unbreakable record (Joe, don't worry. 56 will always be #1 and Hack Wilson will always be #2 in my book). With the way athletes and the game has changed, I personally am going to make this proclamation. I see no way that Rickey Henderson is touched for stolen bases. EVER. EVER people unless they change the rules. Check this out. We have better athletes in the sport now (evidently stronger arms at catcher also), and the active player with the most, Juan Pierre, has 542. Let that settle in. 542. Rickey Henderson has 1406. Juan Pierre is 33 years old. In case you are curious, Carl Crawford has a monstrous 417.
22. I was watching Caddyshack the other night, a couple weeks after Top Gun, and realized that Kenny Loggins owned the soundtrack scene in the 80's. Shut up. I wasn't also thinking of Footloose. My mind was actually on Over the Top initially, embarrassingly enough.
23. Here come the Rangers, just in case you need all great pitching and didn't believe their run last year. I am writing that, but I didn't believe their run, and I think you need great pitching. Damn, that must be a fun team to play on. Kind of like a more hitting, less pitching fun Oakland Athletics teams of the late nineties.
24. Harry Potter, Part 2. I have already cracked on the Part 2 concept as a final movie, as George Lucas already had that idea like 25 years ago, but just so you know Mr. Potter, you weren't even funny on Jon Stewart? If that guy can't make you funny, no one can. Hell, Colbert even made Henry Kissinger look like a part time comedian. I evidently have something against the Potter movies even though I have never seen them. I will bring this up and the fact that I dislike Phil Mickelson for no reason when I go see Marvin Lewis's therapist.
25. I think I am sane because of my parents. Not just for the "being a great parent" thing. When all of my schoolmates were getting mopeds, new Gap clothes, Swatches, Members Only jackets, and Mongooses, my parents got me the best present I could ever ask for. They got me a heavy bag for our garage/ shed. Of course, it doesn't hurt that I grew up right outside Philly in the prime of Rocky's popularity, I LOVED that thing. Anyway, I am still sane because a bad day is always remedied by 20 minutes on the bag. If I am not angry, I swim. Since my knees evidently weren't ever going to make me an NBA player (it was my KNEES dammit), I guess I will have to say the best exercises in my life are boxing and swimming. If you don't do either, try one some time. One allows you to not hit the guy who looks at you funny walking down the street, and the other let's you meditate in between flip turns.
26. Yao retires. Short take as I have already covered this one. Rumor is that he heard that Steve Francis AND Iverson were making comebacks. Poor guy. He was actually thinking about coming back when he heard that McGrady had a no-trade clause.
27. I never saw this one coming. Rumor is that 75 players are suing the NFL over concussions. Damn. I want to be part of a class action suit. Either that, or I wish I would have liked coffee and beat that damn McDonald's guy to the punch.
28. As mad as I was for the Japan soccer team for beating our girls, it is a great story for them with all of their recent tragedies. Congrats, ladies.
29. I gotta go. The Wayne Brady episode of Dave Chappelle episode is on. As one shepherd said to the other shepherd, let's get the flock out of here. In case any of you newcomers don't get my closing lines, here you go.
[after rescuing Roger and Rianne]
Martin Riggs: What did one shepherd say to the other shepherd? Let's get the flock out of here!
Share this quote
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BTqgp6jKbqE
30. What would you call Taint if she was an 80's wrestler? Roddy Piper? No. Hook Hogan? No. How about Jimmy the Super Fly Hooka. Peace.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
071811
Read it, don't read it, I don't care...I just need to get some things off my chest.
In particular order of chronology or importance...
1. There are advancements in sports technology that are positive, and then there are the irritating ones. I hate the PuttZone. At least the line was in black, instead of some irritating yellow or something. I am equally amazed that the PuttZone knows the exact line of a random shot onto a hilly green as I am that you can digitally paint a yellow line on the football field that players can run over, but stop the madness. Make it go away. Anyway, it sucks. The one that tracks the ball in the air? That is where it is at.
2. We are just about at the mid point of no college basketball, and about to start the college football season. It seems like a good time to bring up two of my favorite guys. These two gentlemen seem to always be saying intelligent, well-thought out takes. I have to say that I usually agree with almost everything they say, which MUST mean that they are on point. Kirk Herbstreit for football and Jay Bilas for basketball. You guys are like my EF Huttons. When you talk, I listen.
3. I am not exactly hip, and I don't even have an actual joke for it, but Ricky Fowler's outfit on Saturday was...interesting. Nice white jumpsuit. You shot a hell of a round, but just kind of curious of the thought process that went through your head before going out to hit your warmup balls. I am assuming your caddy is either as hip as you are or that you didn't snooze on Saturday and beat him out to the driving range.
4. The women's World Cup was awesome to watch, except for the ending of course. Still, a great game though. You kind of just had a bad feeling in those first 20 minutes with all of those scoring chances and nothing to show for it. It is kind of frustrating when you are dictating the game and still on an even keel with your opponent. Nice run, though, ladies. I am not the biggest women's soccer fan, but you had me all in for both of those last two games. Interesting fact. The game took over the most tweeted event of all time, beating out Bin Laden's death announcement. Of course, you could be devil's advocate and say it is just that tweeting is growing in popularity, but I ask that you don't ruin the "Go America" spirit of this topic.
5. Here is another awesome Sixx A.M. song to check out... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSyMSkbIHiA
6. Clemens gets a mistrial. Barring any conspiracy theories that seem just so obvious, I guess you could say that just like the batters he faced all jacked up on Roids, they swung and they missed.
7. I love trades involving "players to be named later." They are just fun, and they kind of piss me off, because I usually lose track of the players when they are named and therefore am iffy when analyzing a trade for the teams. I will put these trades in the same category as teams losing wins and championships because of violations. You guys make it very tough for me when pulling stats up in random bar conversations.
8. I just get the feeling that I will be like 60 years old and Don Nelson will be on the wire for showing interest in an NBA team.
9. Dwayne Wade says he is "unsure" of playing on the USA Basketball Team in 2012. Thanks for the heads up. Now, I can finally get that sleep I was losing.
10. The Blackhawks' Kane is "out 6-8 weeks." Out of what? When you are "out," isn't that when games are being played? They aren't even in camp yet, are they?
11. I bet you overall, golfers are actually the coolest of all athletes. Sure, they probably started out slow in that category, but then they get to play with a different nationality of golfer every week once they get good on on tour. They must be very easy to get along with. You play with John Daly one round, Darren Clarke another, Y.E. Yang another, and Camilo Villegas the final one, and you MUST be well-rounded.
12. Dustin Johnson sure finds some odd ways to blow championships. Club selection this week. The moving ball last year. I predict he will have the wrong amount of clubs in the bag at the PGA Open final round.
13. I am kind of excited about Shaq being on TNT. You could never have predicted the great chemistry between Kenny Smith and Charles, and Magic gets along with everyone (or it just seems that way). But Shaq and Charles? That is the ultimate of setting the table. You guys just jacked up my cooking dinner and bathroom breaks during NBA games.
14. I almost fell off the couch when I was watching The Daily Show and Seinfeld made an appearance. The oddity was what WASN'T said. Jon Stewart was agonizing over making a few gay jokes regarding Bachman. Seinfeld comes out and consoles Jon. He is out there for about 6-7 minutes and I can't get "not that there is anything wrong with it?"
15. "Favre is working out." AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! Stop this madness.
16. All that gloss I gave Jason Day about being 2nd in both previous majors...did he even play? Someone I do know who played was Thomas Bjorn. Dude got the least amount of TV coverage being within 3 shots of the lead in a major that I have ever seen.
17. Derek Jeter tells us it was his calf, not exhaustion, why he missed the All Star Game. Whatever, dude. It is one thing to miss the game, but another thing to backtrack on your story. Guess you will just have to shut me up by hitting for the cycle on day, winning another World Series, getting MVP next year, or hitting a grand slam walk off on #3500.
18. I am always in amazement of how little we have had to change sports over the years. The people who invented those sports had such foresight. With technological advancements and other changes in eras, the major sports are still pretty much as is. I can't even write a rant without wanting to modify it the next day, and you guys invent sports that everyone are happy with a hundred years later.
19. K-Rod to the Brewers. It will be interesting to see how a closer will gel into the set-up role. I would think it would be a totally different frame of mind you have to adopt for those roles. At least they eliminated that 21 more games and you get $17 million option part...
20. Nice, James Harrison. Hines, you, and now I am just hoping things really don't happen in threes. Someone page Ben. RIGHT NOW! I want to find out where the hell that guy is. Geez, James, and I call THIS a rant. Why don't you go have some beers with Floyd Mayweather? You guys could get a juiced and put out a YouTube clip. That would be special I am sure.
21. Does anyone know when the next thunderstorm will be and have an extra DeLorean sitting in their garage? Evidently I need 1.21 gigawatts, because I am very much doubting things that are going on when the Pirates are 5 games over .500.
22. Congrats to the Rutgers player who stood in therapy. Keep it up, man. Our thoughts are with you.
23. With all of the re-used crap in the movie theaters these days, is anyone else surprised that we are on Transformers #3 but only on the first Smurfs movie?
24. I evidently am supposed to be throwing in hyperlinks into this rant to make it more popular, but not in the mood for this segment. I am not very hyper I guess tonight.
25. Nice job, Marc Tyler (USC RB). I guess we should commend you for not transferring schools when your school got busted, but jokes about getting paid? Good work, man. Way to keep it classy.
26. I am saving up all of my "sky is blue" takes and Chandler takes for a rainy day, not that we haven't had enough of those in Denver in the last few weeks.
27. Randy Moss is apparently in "freakish" shape. Dude, we never doubted your physical prowess. It is the thing you have housed on top of your torso we concern ourselves with.
28. I am impressed by the casting person of "Cowboys and Aliens." They got some big names. I am absolutely confused by it, but am impressed. Of course, maybe this is still post Green Lantern/ Ryan Reynolds state of mind.
29. I pick golfers in majors like I pick horses at races. You could give me 10 guys and make me pick someone to make the top five, and I couldn't do it, and it is not like I don't know my shit. Padraig, Westwood, Donald...no shows. Garcia at least made the cut, but seriously, I can't do it. The next major when I pick my winners, at least you will know who to eliminate.
30. Congrats to Darren Clarke. You put on a show. I would give blood to know what my boy texted you the night before, but thanks at least for telling us he told you SOMETHING. You come across as a person who anyone in the world would want to have a beers with, you managed the course well, handled an all timer making a run, and did it with style. Kudos, Darren. I have always been a fan, and you are one of those guys that I can't imagine anyone not being a fan of, unless they are even bothered by WATCHING people smoke.
31. Yay. The NFL talks have gotten through that rookie scale. Let's get this thing started. Plus, I am so awaiting the craziest couple week free agency period we have ever seen. Someone get ready to flow chart where all of the players will go. How many jokes will be developed when Plaxico signs with Vick and the Eagles? I have a feeling I will have an easy Chandler take when that happens.
32. Auburn is still being investigated. Thanks for the update, wire. That is a sky is blue take when that shit goes down.
33. I had a few more things, but time to round it up. In keeping with my new joke theme, what TV show was Taint an extra on when she was a kid? T.J. Hooker. Yeah... take that and rewind it back.
Now I'm done...
In particular order of chronology or importance...
1. There are advancements in sports technology that are positive, and then there are the irritating ones. I hate the PuttZone. At least the line was in black, instead of some irritating yellow or something. I am equally amazed that the PuttZone knows the exact line of a random shot onto a hilly green as I am that you can digitally paint a yellow line on the football field that players can run over, but stop the madness. Make it go away. Anyway, it sucks. The one that tracks the ball in the air? That is where it is at.
2. We are just about at the mid point of no college basketball, and about to start the college football season. It seems like a good time to bring up two of my favorite guys. These two gentlemen seem to always be saying intelligent, well-thought out takes. I have to say that I usually agree with almost everything they say, which MUST mean that they are on point. Kirk Herbstreit for football and Jay Bilas for basketball. You guys are like my EF Huttons. When you talk, I listen.
3. I am not exactly hip, and I don't even have an actual joke for it, but Ricky Fowler's outfit on Saturday was...interesting. Nice white jumpsuit. You shot a hell of a round, but just kind of curious of the thought process that went through your head before going out to hit your warmup balls. I am assuming your caddy is either as hip as you are or that you didn't snooze on Saturday and beat him out to the driving range.
4. The women's World Cup was awesome to watch, except for the ending of course. Still, a great game though. You kind of just had a bad feeling in those first 20 minutes with all of those scoring chances and nothing to show for it. It is kind of frustrating when you are dictating the game and still on an even keel with your opponent. Nice run, though, ladies. I am not the biggest women's soccer fan, but you had me all in for both of those last two games. Interesting fact. The game took over the most tweeted event of all time, beating out Bin Laden's death announcement. Of course, you could be devil's advocate and say it is just that tweeting is growing in popularity, but I ask that you don't ruin the "Go America" spirit of this topic.
5. Here is another awesome Sixx A.M. song to check out... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSyMSkbIHiA
6. Clemens gets a mistrial. Barring any conspiracy theories that seem just so obvious, I guess you could say that just like the batters he faced all jacked up on Roids, they swung and they missed.
7. I love trades involving "players to be named later." They are just fun, and they kind of piss me off, because I usually lose track of the players when they are named and therefore am iffy when analyzing a trade for the teams. I will put these trades in the same category as teams losing wins and championships because of violations. You guys make it very tough for me when pulling stats up in random bar conversations.
8. I just get the feeling that I will be like 60 years old and Don Nelson will be on the wire for showing interest in an NBA team.
9. Dwayne Wade says he is "unsure" of playing on the USA Basketball Team in 2012. Thanks for the heads up. Now, I can finally get that sleep I was losing.
10. The Blackhawks' Kane is "out 6-8 weeks." Out of what? When you are "out," isn't that when games are being played? They aren't even in camp yet, are they?
11. I bet you overall, golfers are actually the coolest of all athletes. Sure, they probably started out slow in that category, but then they get to play with a different nationality of golfer every week once they get good on on tour. They must be very easy to get along with. You play with John Daly one round, Darren Clarke another, Y.E. Yang another, and Camilo Villegas the final one, and you MUST be well-rounded.
12. Dustin Johnson sure finds some odd ways to blow championships. Club selection this week. The moving ball last year. I predict he will have the wrong amount of clubs in the bag at the PGA Open final round.
13. I am kind of excited about Shaq being on TNT. You could never have predicted the great chemistry between Kenny Smith and Charles, and Magic gets along with everyone (or it just seems that way). But Shaq and Charles? That is the ultimate of setting the table. You guys just jacked up my cooking dinner and bathroom breaks during NBA games.
14. I almost fell off the couch when I was watching The Daily Show and Seinfeld made an appearance. The oddity was what WASN'T said. Jon Stewart was agonizing over making a few gay jokes regarding Bachman. Seinfeld comes out and consoles Jon. He is out there for about 6-7 minutes and I can't get "not that there is anything wrong with it?"
15. "Favre is working out." AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! Stop this madness.
16. All that gloss I gave Jason Day about being 2nd in both previous majors...did he even play? Someone I do know who played was Thomas Bjorn. Dude got the least amount of TV coverage being within 3 shots of the lead in a major that I have ever seen.
17. Derek Jeter tells us it was his calf, not exhaustion, why he missed the All Star Game. Whatever, dude. It is one thing to miss the game, but another thing to backtrack on your story. Guess you will just have to shut me up by hitting for the cycle on day, winning another World Series, getting MVP next year, or hitting a grand slam walk off on #3500.
18. I am always in amazement of how little we have had to change sports over the years. The people who invented those sports had such foresight. With technological advancements and other changes in eras, the major sports are still pretty much as is. I can't even write a rant without wanting to modify it the next day, and you guys invent sports that everyone are happy with a hundred years later.
19. K-Rod to the Brewers. It will be interesting to see how a closer will gel into the set-up role. I would think it would be a totally different frame of mind you have to adopt for those roles. At least they eliminated that 21 more games and you get $17 million option part...
20. Nice, James Harrison. Hines, you, and now I am just hoping things really don't happen in threes. Someone page Ben. RIGHT NOW! I want to find out where the hell that guy is. Geez, James, and I call THIS a rant. Why don't you go have some beers with Floyd Mayweather? You guys could get a juiced and put out a YouTube clip. That would be special I am sure.
21. Does anyone know when the next thunderstorm will be and have an extra DeLorean sitting in their garage? Evidently I need 1.21 gigawatts, because I am very much doubting things that are going on when the Pirates are 5 games over .500.
22. Congrats to the Rutgers player who stood in therapy. Keep it up, man. Our thoughts are with you.
23. With all of the re-used crap in the movie theaters these days, is anyone else surprised that we are on Transformers #3 but only on the first Smurfs movie?
24. I evidently am supposed to be throwing in hyperlinks into this rant to make it more popular, but not in the mood for this segment. I am not very hyper I guess tonight.
25. Nice job, Marc Tyler (USC RB). I guess we should commend you for not transferring schools when your school got busted, but jokes about getting paid? Good work, man. Way to keep it classy.
26. I am saving up all of my "sky is blue" takes and Chandler takes for a rainy day, not that we haven't had enough of those in Denver in the last few weeks.
27. Randy Moss is apparently in "freakish" shape. Dude, we never doubted your physical prowess. It is the thing you have housed on top of your torso we concern ourselves with.
28. I am impressed by the casting person of "Cowboys and Aliens." They got some big names. I am absolutely confused by it, but am impressed. Of course, maybe this is still post Green Lantern/ Ryan Reynolds state of mind.
29. I pick golfers in majors like I pick horses at races. You could give me 10 guys and make me pick someone to make the top five, and I couldn't do it, and it is not like I don't know my shit. Padraig, Westwood, Donald...no shows. Garcia at least made the cut, but seriously, I can't do it. The next major when I pick my winners, at least you will know who to eliminate.
30. Congrats to Darren Clarke. You put on a show. I would give blood to know what my boy texted you the night before, but thanks at least for telling us he told you SOMETHING. You come across as a person who anyone in the world would want to have a beers with, you managed the course well, handled an all timer making a run, and did it with style. Kudos, Darren. I have always been a fan, and you are one of those guys that I can't imagine anyone not being a fan of, unless they are even bothered by WATCHING people smoke.
31. Yay. The NFL talks have gotten through that rookie scale. Let's get this thing started. Plus, I am so awaiting the craziest couple week free agency period we have ever seen. Someone get ready to flow chart where all of the players will go. How many jokes will be developed when Plaxico signs with Vick and the Eagles? I have a feeling I will have an easy Chandler take when that happens.
32. Auburn is still being investigated. Thanks for the update, wire. That is a sky is blue take when that shit goes down.
33. I had a few more things, but time to round it up. In keeping with my new joke theme, what TV show was Taint an extra on when she was a kid? T.J. Hooker. Yeah... take that and rewind it back.
Now I'm done...
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
ESPY JOURNAL
Some of you have girls, kids, pets, lives, things to do, etc...luckily, you have The Fillerbuster, who only has work, the gym, sports, and my blog. The first two of them are done for the day.
Maybe you are mad you are missing them, maybe you don't care...either way. I got your back.
(An Homage to Bill Simmons...LOVE your work, not stealing your diary idea, just using the concept for this rant)
7:00
Microphone malfunction as they open the production. Nice.
7:03
Seth's monologue.
Lots covered here. He spent like 3 minutes just on Brian Wilson's beard. Then he had some funny stuff about the Heat. Nice work on the Dodgers being broke too. I won't cover every joke, as I am too busy laughing about some of the Heat jokes. My favorite one was the Yao Ming joke though. He says that Yao Ming retired from basketball this year. It is either that or he is retiling his bathroom. What can I say? I have a very dry wit. All in all. Not bad, Seth. His lip movements didn't match up with the words for about two minutes though. I felt like I was watching the satellite feed at a sports bar during the NFL season for a bit...or watching Milli Vanilli in concert. Yes, I brought that one back from the last rant. I am known for beating dead horses.
7:17
Breakthrough Athlete:
Blake Griffin. Uhhhh...Was this the breakthrough athlete of the "NBA" or just breakthrough athlete? Did I miss something? People, he was already player of the year in college. #1 NBA pick two years ago. You are my boy (see past rants), but you sure as hell didn't break through anything. Hell, Li Na would have been a better pick. Cam, you probably should have won, but for some reason I am glad you didn't. I don't know why. Maybe because I still think you knew about the money.
7:21
Comeback Athlete:
Damn. I was in the kitchen. This guy came back from cancer or some injury. Berman mentions it in passing and he gets NO stage time. How is that shit possible? This guy probably has the best story of anyone, and he can't get a mic? Ass backwards if you ask me.
7:28
Best Championship Performance:
Tim Thomas. That works. Beard looks good, too. Go talk to Brian Wilson now. Talk some sense in him.
7:33
Some made up crazy commercial involving Blake Griffin, Kevin Love, Adrian Peterson, and Tyson Chandler. The story is about what they are doing for work during the lockout. Everyone was funny. As you would expect, Kevin was the funniest. By far. Tyson gets to tell some dude coming out of a break up to go on Facebook and invite chicks to his hotel room. I am confused. This guy probably has an apartment. Was this a slip? You athletes are the ones who lure the chicks back to your hotel room. The real downer of the fake infommercial was that the price was $9 million, not 3 payments of $19.95. Really?
7:44
Best Upset:
The easiest to call in my book. VCU over Kansas. In all of the years of Cinderella's in the NCAA tourney, I could find maybe a reason the upset would happen. I would have bet the house on KU. I thought they would own them. Glad I was just in a pool.
7:51
Vancouver Kissing Couple Segment:
It was really funny for the first 2 minutes. Really funny. The remaining 6 minutes of the segmented were a little overboard. Very. Talking about beating a dead horse.
7:59
Best College Player:
Jimmer. So far, he is the only person who thanks everyone like he is at the Oscars. He was very serious. So genuine that I was wondering if he was doing that as a joke. He wasn't. Maybe he was already thinking about how Cousins and Evans take a combined 40 shots a game, so where would his chucking come into play. Maybe he was wondering if he would have to guard the quicker point guards or the taller shooting guards. Who knows? Perhaps he is going to dinner with Adam Morrison afterwards also.
8:04-8:16
Arthur Ashe Award:
Dewey Bozella. Serious story about the boxer in prison. No jokes on this one.
8:25
I am not exactly hip, but I still have NO idea who this band playing every 25 minutes is...
8:27
Three more Brian Wilson jokes. They still haven't lost their funniness yet.
8:28
Best Male Athlete:
There is no way Jimmie Johnson can win. There is no way Jimmie Johnson can win. There is no way Jimmie Johnson can win....wait for it....mmmmmm....wait for it...YES!!!! He didn't! Exclamation Point! Myra had the baby! (Seinfeld reference). Dirk wins. He is foreign, so I won't crack on the seriousness of his acceptance speech. He does make a joke about wanting to thank Cuban, but he can't talk to him during the lockout. That was kind of funny, Dirk.
8:32
Best Female Athlete:
Tim Tebow appearance. If you only knew Tim Tebow for 5 or 20 minutes, you....never mind...still makes me laugh though
Lindsey Vonn. Wrong dress, babe. You might ski, but wrong dress. And your Justin Bieber shout out was dumb.
8:33
If I don't get to hear All These Lights sometime during this telecast, I am going to be pissed. It would be perfect. These are really some stupid background songs.
8:35
Third shot of Jimmie Johnson on camera in passing. I have noticed that every time the camera is on the left side. Hardy har har.
8:37
I find out that the telecast is sponsored by Rise of the Planet of the Apes. I am timing my breaks to miss the commercials so I don't hate the movie by 9:30.
8:43 (long commercial break)
HILARIOUS fake commercial about Dirk's awkward style of play. Totally beat down the other Griffin, Love, etc. commercial...I will put the link up once I find it.
8:47
I still don't understand these action figures they show before they announce the winners of an award. I feel like I missed out on a comic book when I was a kid.
8:49
Best Game:
Eagles/ Giants. There was really no bad call on the nominees. The Thunder/ Grizzlies game, Butler/ Pitt, Bama/ Auburn games were all in the mix. All great games. The Butler/ Pitt game I think didn't win because you would rather have a game won because of good performance than stupidity. The Auburn game only got good really late. The Thunder/ Grizzlies game would have won if one of them would have won it all. The Eagles game ended on a GREAT play along with being a great game. Personally, I still would have taken the Auburn/ Bama game, but once again for some odd reason I am glad Cam got dissed.
8:57
Jedi mind tricks are happening. I am watching a British Open commercial, anxious to wake up at 4am both Saturday and Sunday, but somehow can't stop thinking about whether Seth has any more Brian Wilson jokes. Weird.
8:58
Capital One Cup Awards:
Stanford women and Florida Men. Freaking Gators.
8:59
Here we go. Jim Valvano Award time. People, I am assuming that if you are reading this blog, it means you follow sports and have already seen it, but if you have not, stop what you are doing and watch the Jim Valvano speech from back in the day. "Don't give up. Don't you ever give up." I still cry when they replay it. Still. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HuoVM9nm42E
The one-legged Arizona college wrestler, Anthony Robles, who won the national title wins the award. Once again, touching, and no jokes. At all.
9:04
Still marveling about his story...There are times for jokes, and there are times to remember why I love sports SO much. Amazing.
9:11
(Sidenote: Damn, Cam gets to be on stage. He is a presenter though. Yay.)
Best Play of the Year:
If the US Women's team doesn't win...if they don't win...come on...going up against a Rooney bicycle kick though, the Marshawn Lynch run, and some sick cross field soccer goal...come one. YES! Myra had the baby! If you are not following this joke by the way... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3rd7j-aSqFU Thanks for the revote, ESPN. Good call.
9:14:
Ahh. the speed round...instead of me going to sleep during it because I wake up at 5am, they now get it...
NBA Player: Dirk
NFL: Aaron Rodgers
Driver: Johnson
NHL: Tim Thomas
Comeback: Yes. He gets mentioned again, and is tape recorded accepting. OK. That is a little better. It was a bone disease he fought back from by the way.
9:19
It is almost like other people were worried about hating the movie also. We are at one hour of no Apes commercials...
9:21
Here comes Justin Bieber and Danica. Nothing exciting by either. No worries about any serious acting careers with either, although Danica is still hot in my eyes. I suddenly wish this telecast was sponsored by Go Daddy.
Best Team:
Dallas Mavericks. You know? As I watched who they were competing against, it was kind of like a lack of options, realizing that there weren't any really dominant teams this last year. No Yankees. No UConn women. Plus, it is kind of exciting, because Cuban gets to talk (in front of the crowd) to the players. End this lockout shit already.
9:26
Yes. Seth ends show with a Brian Wilson joke inside a Bette Midler reference.
You YouTube people are slow, or I suck at Google. I can't find that fake commercial. Anyway. that is your lowdown. Look for more of a normal rant Friday night before I go out. With James Harrison going on his rampage, I have to own up to more Steeler stupidity.
Not a normal rant, so I won't call Taint a hooker. He He. Just snuck it in. Late, people. Now I'm done.
Maybe you are mad you are missing them, maybe you don't care...either way. I got your back.
(An Homage to Bill Simmons...LOVE your work, not stealing your diary idea, just using the concept for this rant)
7:00
Microphone malfunction as they open the production. Nice.
7:03
Seth's monologue.
Lots covered here. He spent like 3 minutes just on Brian Wilson's beard. Then he had some funny stuff about the Heat. Nice work on the Dodgers being broke too. I won't cover every joke, as I am too busy laughing about some of the Heat jokes. My favorite one was the Yao Ming joke though. He says that Yao Ming retired from basketball this year. It is either that or he is retiling his bathroom. What can I say? I have a very dry wit. All in all. Not bad, Seth. His lip movements didn't match up with the words for about two minutes though. I felt like I was watching the satellite feed at a sports bar during the NFL season for a bit...or watching Milli Vanilli in concert. Yes, I brought that one back from the last rant. I am known for beating dead horses.
7:17
Breakthrough Athlete:
Blake Griffin. Uhhhh...Was this the breakthrough athlete of the "NBA" or just breakthrough athlete? Did I miss something? People, he was already player of the year in college. #1 NBA pick two years ago. You are my boy (see past rants), but you sure as hell didn't break through anything. Hell, Li Na would have been a better pick. Cam, you probably should have won, but for some reason I am glad you didn't. I don't know why. Maybe because I still think you knew about the money.
7:21
Comeback Athlete:
Damn. I was in the kitchen. This guy came back from cancer or some injury. Berman mentions it in passing and he gets NO stage time. How is that shit possible? This guy probably has the best story of anyone, and he can't get a mic? Ass backwards if you ask me.
7:28
Best Championship Performance:
Tim Thomas. That works. Beard looks good, too. Go talk to Brian Wilson now. Talk some sense in him.
7:33
Some made up crazy commercial involving Blake Griffin, Kevin Love, Adrian Peterson, and Tyson Chandler. The story is about what they are doing for work during the lockout. Everyone was funny. As you would expect, Kevin was the funniest. By far. Tyson gets to tell some dude coming out of a break up to go on Facebook and invite chicks to his hotel room. I am confused. This guy probably has an apartment. Was this a slip? You athletes are the ones who lure the chicks back to your hotel room. The real downer of the fake infommercial was that the price was $9 million, not 3 payments of $19.95. Really?
7:44
Best Upset:
The easiest to call in my book. VCU over Kansas. In all of the years of Cinderella's in the NCAA tourney, I could find maybe a reason the upset would happen. I would have bet the house on KU. I thought they would own them. Glad I was just in a pool.
7:51
Vancouver Kissing Couple Segment:
It was really funny for the first 2 minutes. Really funny. The remaining 6 minutes of the segmented were a little overboard. Very. Talking about beating a dead horse.
7:59
Best College Player:
Jimmer. So far, he is the only person who thanks everyone like he is at the Oscars. He was very serious. So genuine that I was wondering if he was doing that as a joke. He wasn't. Maybe he was already thinking about how Cousins and Evans take a combined 40 shots a game, so where would his chucking come into play. Maybe he was wondering if he would have to guard the quicker point guards or the taller shooting guards. Who knows? Perhaps he is going to dinner with Adam Morrison afterwards also.
8:04-8:16
Arthur Ashe Award:
Dewey Bozella. Serious story about the boxer in prison. No jokes on this one.
8:25
I am not exactly hip, but I still have NO idea who this band playing every 25 minutes is...
8:27
Three more Brian Wilson jokes. They still haven't lost their funniness yet.
8:28
Best Male Athlete:
There is no way Jimmie Johnson can win. There is no way Jimmie Johnson can win. There is no way Jimmie Johnson can win....wait for it....mmmmmm....wait for it...YES!!!! He didn't! Exclamation Point! Myra had the baby! (Seinfeld reference). Dirk wins. He is foreign, so I won't crack on the seriousness of his acceptance speech. He does make a joke about wanting to thank Cuban, but he can't talk to him during the lockout. That was kind of funny, Dirk.
8:32
Best Female Athlete:
Tim Tebow appearance. If you only knew Tim Tebow for 5 or 20 minutes, you....never mind...still makes me laugh though
Lindsey Vonn. Wrong dress, babe. You might ski, but wrong dress. And your Justin Bieber shout out was dumb.
8:33
If I don't get to hear All These Lights sometime during this telecast, I am going to be pissed. It would be perfect. These are really some stupid background songs.
8:35
Third shot of Jimmie Johnson on camera in passing. I have noticed that every time the camera is on the left side. Hardy har har.
8:37
I find out that the telecast is sponsored by Rise of the Planet of the Apes. I am timing my breaks to miss the commercials so I don't hate the movie by 9:30.
8:43 (long commercial break)
HILARIOUS fake commercial about Dirk's awkward style of play. Totally beat down the other Griffin, Love, etc. commercial...I will put the link up once I find it.
8:47
I still don't understand these action figures they show before they announce the winners of an award. I feel like I missed out on a comic book when I was a kid.
8:49
Best Game:
Eagles/ Giants. There was really no bad call on the nominees. The Thunder/ Grizzlies game, Butler/ Pitt, Bama/ Auburn games were all in the mix. All great games. The Butler/ Pitt game I think didn't win because you would rather have a game won because of good performance than stupidity. The Auburn game only got good really late. The Thunder/ Grizzlies game would have won if one of them would have won it all. The Eagles game ended on a GREAT play along with being a great game. Personally, I still would have taken the Auburn/ Bama game, but once again for some odd reason I am glad Cam got dissed.
8:57
Jedi mind tricks are happening. I am watching a British Open commercial, anxious to wake up at 4am both Saturday and Sunday, but somehow can't stop thinking about whether Seth has any more Brian Wilson jokes. Weird.
8:58
Capital One Cup Awards:
Stanford women and Florida Men. Freaking Gators.
8:59
Here we go. Jim Valvano Award time. People, I am assuming that if you are reading this blog, it means you follow sports and have already seen it, but if you have not, stop what you are doing and watch the Jim Valvano speech from back in the day. "Don't give up. Don't you ever give up." I still cry when they replay it. Still. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HuoVM9nm42E
The one-legged Arizona college wrestler, Anthony Robles, who won the national title wins the award. Once again, touching, and no jokes. At all.
9:04
Still marveling about his story...There are times for jokes, and there are times to remember why I love sports SO much. Amazing.
9:11
(Sidenote: Damn, Cam gets to be on stage. He is a presenter though. Yay.)
Best Play of the Year:
If the US Women's team doesn't win...if they don't win...come on...going up against a Rooney bicycle kick though, the Marshawn Lynch run, and some sick cross field soccer goal...come one. YES! Myra had the baby! If you are not following this joke by the way... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3rd7j-aSqFU Thanks for the revote, ESPN. Good call.
9:14:
Ahh. the speed round...instead of me going to sleep during it because I wake up at 5am, they now get it...
NBA Player: Dirk
NFL: Aaron Rodgers
Driver: Johnson
NHL: Tim Thomas
Comeback: Yes. He gets mentioned again, and is tape recorded accepting. OK. That is a little better. It was a bone disease he fought back from by the way.
9:19
It is almost like other people were worried about hating the movie also. We are at one hour of no Apes commercials...
9:21
Here comes Justin Bieber and Danica. Nothing exciting by either. No worries about any serious acting careers with either, although Danica is still hot in my eyes. I suddenly wish this telecast was sponsored by Go Daddy.
Best Team:
Dallas Mavericks. You know? As I watched who they were competing against, it was kind of like a lack of options, realizing that there weren't any really dominant teams this last year. No Yankees. No UConn women. Plus, it is kind of exciting, because Cuban gets to talk (in front of the crowd) to the players. End this lockout shit already.
9:26
Yes. Seth ends show with a Brian Wilson joke inside a Bette Midler reference.
You YouTube people are slow, or I suck at Google. I can't find that fake commercial. Anyway. that is your lowdown. Look for more of a normal rant Friday night before I go out. With James Harrison going on his rampage, I have to own up to more Steeler stupidity.
Not a normal rant, so I won't call Taint a hooker. He He. Just snuck it in. Late, people. Now I'm done.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
071211
Read it, don't read it, I don't care...I just need to get some things off my chest...
In no particular order of chronology or importance...writing this during All Star Game...there might be interruptions between takes.
1. I was in the middle of writing my last rant when Jeter was finishing up his 5-5 performance to get 3000 and then some. I already commented on the home run BEING #3000, but 5-5 too? Nice work, bro. You get the downer opening of the rant, though. You were too EXHAUSTED to play the actual All-Star game? Exhausted?? Dude. Fake an injury or something... EVERYONE is tired. This is about the fans though. Once again, hitting #3000 in that style=badass. Not playing the game=downer.
2. YAYYYYY!!! We have an early "sky is blue, grass is green" take. Pacman... Yes, dude. If we would have made it through this entire lockout without you getting busted at a bar or strip club for something, I would have thought I was daydreaming the ENTIRE time. Thanks, man. I don't need to follow this up with a witty joke. The joke is strong enough without me chirping in. http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/cincinnati-bengals-adam-pacman-jones-arrested-for-disorderly-conduct-while-intoxicated
3. Jack Nicklaus says to wait on Rory McElroy. I concur. Sure, he massacred the field at the U.S.Open, but give him another tournament or two before anointing him the new king of golf. I believe he is much stronger than what I about to say, but the rest of the young'uns are pretty damn good, and at one point, we all thought Milli Vanilli wasn't lip-syncing also for a few years.
4. Women's World Cup notes. Not my strongest suit, and very random. First of all, I started out watching the game listening to Nate Dogg (yes, the SOLO CD), doing some tedious task moving work on the laptop, and having a screwdriver. That being said, I was locked in by the second half. Forget I have a harder time watching women's soccer, forget that I almost forgot it was on...just forget everything except that you are either American or not. And I am, and I got sucked into a game that had a little of everything...penalty kicks, drama, red cards, close calls, questionable officiating, etc. The point is that even if you hated America, you would have been tuned in. And been amazed by the spirit. It was amazing, and I am glad I watched it live. I truly felt a high when the thing was over. And. Kind of like watching Reggie score 8 pts in 12 seconds and seeing the Grant Hill baseball pass in 1992 (sure, there are 100's of others, but I am supposed to be SHORTENING this thing), I was glad I watched that game...live.
5. Random notes. I am glad Wambach got the winner, because I was going to have an entire take on how many of her corner kicks sailed. One even went to the other side and out. Redemption, girl. You more than made up for your astray kicks. I will bring it back. The red card was BS and hurt dramatically. It made the win even more amazing. I will admit I was in the boy's room when Brazil got that second goal...damn continuously running time with no commercials. With my love for Star Wars and my Chandler category allowance, I will just say I won't even comment on the Force, Jedi's, and Han...uhhh...Hope Solo in goal. My actual favorite part of the entire match was Erika jumping up when the stretchers came. To allude to a Seinfeld reference, you ladies are all Meryl Streep out on that soccer field (relax, the guys are too), but that one was extra funny. To sum up, I will never regularly talk soccer THAT much, but I will tell you this. Sunday morning was a MOMENT.
6. OK. I cut my workout short to come home and watch this All-Star Game. Evidently, since this summer the sunniest town in America has turned into Seattle recently along with having more tornado warnings in the last two months since I have been out here in 1997, I am catching like 60% of the game. It is pissing me off supremely. With the technology we have today, there HAS to be a way of having only a certain amount of warnings on TV's more than 50 miles away. Come on. You are telling me about a tornado warning 100 miles from me. More importantly, ruining my game. Anyway, the only reason I know where the tornado was was because I was finally able to decipher the in and out talking of the message after about 6 times. How the hell can we not have clear emergency messaging after all of the years. Michael Crichton writes about nanotechnology ten years ago, and I have to decipher some chick telling me to jump under my table from a tornado that is 100 miles away??
7. My brother was always into Planet of the Apes more than I was. That being said, I don't even know if the new one coming out is a new creation or a remake, but I have to tell you. I think I am going to go check it out. It looks pretty tight.
8. Speaking of movies, my buddy and I are keeping each other motivated on this blogging stuff, but another shout out to him, as it will motivate him to keep posting blogs...because I have SO many people reading this at this point. LOL. http://rockiesmovies.blogspot.com/ Also, he convinced me that Larry Crowne is a rental. I am not sure why the font just changed.
9. Never saw this coming...sky is blue, grass is green, and Kurt Rambis finally got canned. I don't even support this firing. You give an ex-power forward like 10 point guards, an over-achieving rebounder, a pot-smoking transplant, and you are expecting what? Dude. Just for the record, you always be that guy off the 80's Lakers, always hanging around, wearing your hip goggles, and doing your job on a winning, very talented team. Sidenote, I never wanted to be that guy, but knee problems and my love of basketball have combined to make me that guy on the court now...the guy who has knee braces on both knees. I flipped a coin and wore one, making it fashionable. But, after enough tweaks of the knee, I will have to do both for my favorite sport.
10. I already did a shout out for this band a couple rants ago, and I never thought a song could have this cheesy of name but end up so powerful, but check this out for new rocking, not too over the top Ipod material... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P65vouRrEC8
11. Usually, you get great sports movies ideas with less than mainstream actors or actresses. Of course, there are a lot of exceptions, but let's give an example to illustrate my point. Glory Road is a powerful, POWERFUL concept of a movie. And a true story, but they couldn't pull any big names. It is still a great flick, but not mass accepted. Well, here is your next possible good one. It won't be any Hoosiers (that would be like me saying a new comedy could be the next Seinfeld), but it has potential. Moneyball, people. Great concept. It changed baseball forever. They pulled Brad Pitt (Don't be a hater, people. Legends of the Fall, Troy, Spy Game, Seven, Ocean movies, and Fight Club, and that foreign one I can't remember the name of... just to name a few). It could be fantastic. Of course, it would be a lot better ending if Moneyball would have netted a World Series, but you can't have everything. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1210166/
12. Deep thoughts. I am not saying that announcers hit a prime, but I think Joe Buck was a better baseball announcer about 5 years ago when he wasn't told yet that he was the voice of baseball. I just sense a comfort zone when he announces now. His knowledge is still off the charts, but I could nap while listening to him. Lock up, dude.
13. After the firefighter incident, MLB got two close calls during the home run derby that were funny only because worse things didn't happen. One guy went fully over, to only have his friends catch him from the 20ft face first fall. The other guy jumped in the pool below. The pool guy caught the ball if you are curious. http://www.nowpublic.com/sports/home-run-derby-2011-video-fan-jumps-pool-catches-hr-ball-2813319.html
14. British Open Predictions. There will be a LONG sum up on this in a future rant, because I personally LOVE watching this type of golf, even if I have to wake up at 4am and even if there is no Tiger. I don't like Garcia's game on this type of course as much, but I just feel like him or Westwood will regulate the youngsters in this major...and get the monkey off their back. I will take Padraig Harrington as my logical darkhouse (what the hell does that saying mean? He has MULTIPLE majors. Thank you people for dropping him off the radar), Luke Donald (most consistent golfer in the last year in my opinion) , and then Jason Day (he HAS experience. The world just doesn't realize in the masses that he has finished 2nd in the first 2 majors) as my other choices. I will be awake at 4am both Saturday and Sunday. Don't doubt me for a second.
15. I have a Rubik's cube in my apartment. I forget one freaking move. One. I refuse to look it up. I just keep trying to "feel" it. You have to understand that I grew up in the summit of that era. My brother topped out at 1:45, and I topped out at 2:31. We were trying to make That's Incredible at the time. Unfortunately, the cut-off for the show was 30 seconds. Damn.
16. I just experienced my 11th Tornado Warning. In case you are curious, the storm is still about 90 miles away. If I have to step away from the rant suddenly, just know that I am, per the "nine trained weather spotters," supposed to be dodging flying debris.
17. I watched the entire Home Run Derby. Yes, I am not proud of that, but it is my slow sports season. Anyway, the whole American League vs. National League thing didn't really pan out, there was shenanigans, and it was dumb fun. No one really got into a groove though. There were a few mini-grooves, but nothing like a Abreu or Hamilton run from years past. Actually, the most fun of the whole thing was the tiebreaker after the first round, when they had 5 SWINGS, not outs. Maybe they should put more people in it, and do that system instead of the 10 "outs" rule. Anyway, I had actually just read a great article on Robinson Cano two weeks before, so it was extra fun for me since I knew his background. Also, his DAD made the entire program. Not only can he probably out-bench and outrun most people reading this blog, but he just looked MEAN. No wonder that kid got so good. I would be scared to mishit it too.
18. Well, at least Hines Ward getting busted started a Ravens-Steelers Twitter war. Feed that fire. Quickly being known as the best rivalry in football. Just old school football...love it.
19. I am amazed at cords. Yes, I said cords. People use the cliche "fly on the wall." I truly want to know what happens in my backpack or pocket when I put my shuffle and earphones in them. I can leave them in there for exactly 5 minutes, not move, and I pull them out and it takes me 4 minutes to unravel. Amazing. See? These are the things that amaze my mind. And floods of course. And Pacman Jones. And...shit, I could go all day.
20. Vrabel is taking over as LB coach at OSU. Class act, hell of a career, multiple rings...I would listen to him, wouldn't you? Good luck, dude. If anyone can talk recruits to a place where the wheels are coming off, it is you. Stay away from doing the Costanza opposite and don't bust out a sweater vest.
21. Ochocinco must feel out of touch. With both of these lockouts going on, all kinds of people are making the news. By the way, when the hell are you wrestling that alligator? I'm in on watching that shit, biatch. http://www.cbssports.com/mcc/blogs/entry/22475988/30260487
22. Someone told me this week (in case you didn't notice), to start hyperlinking stuff of interest to start networking my blog. So here is another one. A shout out to my watering hole on the weekends: http://www.westword.com/locations/pub-on-penn-1526295/
23. I am truly amazed by baseball etiquette. I had other sports going on during that season, so I admit I was not the greatest baseball player. I was an athlete who could also hit and throw. However, I am watching the ALL-STAR game, where in other sports they play around, make jokes, don't run plays, etc. And even BEFORE they established home field advantage on this thing, the etiquette remains the same. You hit a home run. You trot around the bases. You strike the side out. You walk to the dugout. I love it.
24. Hey, radical idea. Maybe if the NBA needs replacement players, my boy Iverson can get a job. Yay.
25. Hole in ones in golf are so intriguing because there is almost never any footage on them. You just HEAR about them. Not like you can have a camera on every person playing golf in the world at all times, but a 6yr old from IL gets a hole in one. I was still trying to breathe to the side in swimming at the time.
26. I found out that Superbad is still a funny movie on regular TV the other night. Good stuff. When McLovin gets that gun in his hand, it reminds me of me when, during Navy training in college, they gave me a SAW rifle. I ask what I should be aiming at. They replied that if I hit the flat side of the mountain, that they would be impressed. I eventually hit it. I don't think they were impressed at that point. They lied.
27. If I ever caught a 3000th hit or 500th home run, I don't know what I would do. The fan from NY is getting all this flack for just giving the ball back. No matter how strapped I am for cash...ever. I think my sports love would make me give the ball back. Alright, that sounded cute, but I just reread it and have changed my opinion four times in the last 3 seconds....I don't know.
28. Well, tidying things up, the NL just went up to 5-1 on the AL. Cool. I just care so my Phillies have home field advantage in the WS.
29. It doesn't matter what Fox does on its telecast, I love the fact that they go to breaks to Widepread Panic...my boys.
30. That's it. Instead of just saying the obvious ending, my buddy gave me an idea to make a little joke about my usual Rant ender. So, here goes. If Taint ever met my Dad, he would take her fishing. I can see her reeling a fish in and my Dad saying "well, Hook-er!" Now I'm done.
In no particular order of chronology or importance...writing this during All Star Game...there might be interruptions between takes.
1. I was in the middle of writing my last rant when Jeter was finishing up his 5-5 performance to get 3000 and then some. I already commented on the home run BEING #3000, but 5-5 too? Nice work, bro. You get the downer opening of the rant, though. You were too EXHAUSTED to play the actual All-Star game? Exhausted?? Dude. Fake an injury or something... EVERYONE is tired. This is about the fans though. Once again, hitting #3000 in that style=badass. Not playing the game=downer.
2. YAYYYYY!!! We have an early "sky is blue, grass is green" take. Pacman... Yes, dude. If we would have made it through this entire lockout without you getting busted at a bar or strip club for something, I would have thought I was daydreaming the ENTIRE time. Thanks, man. I don't need to follow this up with a witty joke. The joke is strong enough without me chirping in. http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/cincinnati-bengals-adam-pacman-jones-arrested-for-disorderly-conduct-while-intoxicated
3. Jack Nicklaus says to wait on Rory McElroy. I concur. Sure, he massacred the field at the U.S.Open, but give him another tournament or two before anointing him the new king of golf. I believe he is much stronger than what I about to say, but the rest of the young'uns are pretty damn good, and at one point, we all thought Milli Vanilli wasn't lip-syncing also for a few years.
4. Women's World Cup notes. Not my strongest suit, and very random. First of all, I started out watching the game listening to Nate Dogg (yes, the SOLO CD), doing some tedious task moving work on the laptop, and having a screwdriver. That being said, I was locked in by the second half. Forget I have a harder time watching women's soccer, forget that I almost forgot it was on...just forget everything except that you are either American or not. And I am, and I got sucked into a game that had a little of everything...penalty kicks, drama, red cards, close calls, questionable officiating, etc. The point is that even if you hated America, you would have been tuned in. And been amazed by the spirit. It was amazing, and I am glad I watched it live. I truly felt a high when the thing was over. And. Kind of like watching Reggie score 8 pts in 12 seconds and seeing the Grant Hill baseball pass in 1992 (sure, there are 100's of others, but I am supposed to be SHORTENING this thing), I was glad I watched that game...live.
5. Random notes. I am glad Wambach got the winner, because I was going to have an entire take on how many of her corner kicks sailed. One even went to the other side and out. Redemption, girl. You more than made up for your astray kicks. I will bring it back. The red card was BS and hurt dramatically. It made the win even more amazing. I will admit I was in the boy's room when Brazil got that second goal...damn continuously running time with no commercials. With my love for Star Wars and my Chandler category allowance, I will just say I won't even comment on the Force, Jedi's, and Han...uhhh...Hope Solo in goal. My actual favorite part of the entire match was Erika jumping up when the stretchers came. To allude to a Seinfeld reference, you ladies are all Meryl Streep out on that soccer field (relax, the guys are too), but that one was extra funny. To sum up, I will never regularly talk soccer THAT much, but I will tell you this. Sunday morning was a MOMENT.
6. OK. I cut my workout short to come home and watch this All-Star Game. Evidently, since this summer the sunniest town in America has turned into Seattle recently along with having more tornado warnings in the last two months since I have been out here in 1997, I am catching like 60% of the game. It is pissing me off supremely. With the technology we have today, there HAS to be a way of having only a certain amount of warnings on TV's more than 50 miles away. Come on. You are telling me about a tornado warning 100 miles from me. More importantly, ruining my game. Anyway, the only reason I know where the tornado was was because I was finally able to decipher the in and out talking of the message after about 6 times. How the hell can we not have clear emergency messaging after all of the years. Michael Crichton writes about nanotechnology ten years ago, and I have to decipher some chick telling me to jump under my table from a tornado that is 100 miles away??
7. My brother was always into Planet of the Apes more than I was. That being said, I don't even know if the new one coming out is a new creation or a remake, but I have to tell you. I think I am going to go check it out. It looks pretty tight.
8. Speaking of movies, my buddy and I are keeping each other motivated on this blogging stuff, but another shout out to him, as it will motivate him to keep posting blogs...because I have SO many people reading this at this point. LOL. http://rockiesmovies.blogspot.com/ Also, he convinced me that Larry Crowne is a rental. I am not sure why the font just changed.
9. Never saw this coming...sky is blue, grass is green, and Kurt Rambis finally got canned. I don't even support this firing. You give an ex-power forward like 10 point guards, an over-achieving rebounder, a pot-smoking transplant, and you are expecting what? Dude. Just for the record, you always be that guy off the 80's Lakers, always hanging around, wearing your hip goggles, and doing your job on a winning, very talented team. Sidenote, I never wanted to be that guy, but knee problems and my love of basketball have combined to make me that guy on the court now...the guy who has knee braces on both knees. I flipped a coin and wore one, making it fashionable. But, after enough tweaks of the knee, I will have to do both for my favorite sport.
10. I already did a shout out for this band a couple rants ago, and I never thought a song could have this cheesy of name but end up so powerful, but check this out for new rocking, not too over the top Ipod material... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P65vouRrEC8
11. Usually, you get great sports movies ideas with less than mainstream actors or actresses. Of course, there are a lot of exceptions, but let's give an example to illustrate my point. Glory Road is a powerful, POWERFUL concept of a movie. And a true story, but they couldn't pull any big names. It is still a great flick, but not mass accepted. Well, here is your next possible good one. It won't be any Hoosiers (that would be like me saying a new comedy could be the next Seinfeld), but it has potential. Moneyball, people. Great concept. It changed baseball forever. They pulled Brad Pitt (Don't be a hater, people. Legends of the Fall, Troy, Spy Game, Seven, Ocean movies, and Fight Club, and that foreign one I can't remember the name of... just to name a few). It could be fantastic. Of course, it would be a lot better ending if Moneyball would have netted a World Series, but you can't have everything. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1210166/
12. Deep thoughts. I am not saying that announcers hit a prime, but I think Joe Buck was a better baseball announcer about 5 years ago when he wasn't told yet that he was the voice of baseball. I just sense a comfort zone when he announces now. His knowledge is still off the charts, but I could nap while listening to him. Lock up, dude.
13. After the firefighter incident, MLB got two close calls during the home run derby that were funny only because worse things didn't happen. One guy went fully over, to only have his friends catch him from the 20ft face first fall. The other guy jumped in the pool below. The pool guy caught the ball if you are curious. http://www.nowpublic.com/sports/home-run-derby-2011-video-fan-jumps-pool-catches-hr-ball-2813319.html
14. British Open Predictions. There will be a LONG sum up on this in a future rant, because I personally LOVE watching this type of golf, even if I have to wake up at 4am and even if there is no Tiger. I don't like Garcia's game on this type of course as much, but I just feel like him or Westwood will regulate the youngsters in this major...and get the monkey off their back. I will take Padraig Harrington as my logical darkhouse (what the hell does that saying mean? He has MULTIPLE majors. Thank you people for dropping him off the radar), Luke Donald (most consistent golfer in the last year in my opinion) , and then Jason Day (he HAS experience. The world just doesn't realize in the masses that he has finished 2nd in the first 2 majors) as my other choices. I will be awake at 4am both Saturday and Sunday. Don't doubt me for a second.
15. I have a Rubik's cube in my apartment. I forget one freaking move. One. I refuse to look it up. I just keep trying to "feel" it. You have to understand that I grew up in the summit of that era. My brother topped out at 1:45, and I topped out at 2:31. We were trying to make That's Incredible at the time. Unfortunately, the cut-off for the show was 30 seconds. Damn.
16. I just experienced my 11th Tornado Warning. In case you are curious, the storm is still about 90 miles away. If I have to step away from the rant suddenly, just know that I am, per the "nine trained weather spotters," supposed to be dodging flying debris.
17. I watched the entire Home Run Derby. Yes, I am not proud of that, but it is my slow sports season. Anyway, the whole American League vs. National League thing didn't really pan out, there was shenanigans, and it was dumb fun. No one really got into a groove though. There were a few mini-grooves, but nothing like a Abreu or Hamilton run from years past. Actually, the most fun of the whole thing was the tiebreaker after the first round, when they had 5 SWINGS, not outs. Maybe they should put more people in it, and do that system instead of the 10 "outs" rule. Anyway, I had actually just read a great article on Robinson Cano two weeks before, so it was extra fun for me since I knew his background. Also, his DAD made the entire program. Not only can he probably out-bench and outrun most people reading this blog, but he just looked MEAN. No wonder that kid got so good. I would be scared to mishit it too.
18. Well, at least Hines Ward getting busted started a Ravens-Steelers Twitter war. Feed that fire. Quickly being known as the best rivalry in football. Just old school football...love it.
19. I am amazed at cords. Yes, I said cords. People use the cliche "fly on the wall." I truly want to know what happens in my backpack or pocket when I put my shuffle and earphones in them. I can leave them in there for exactly 5 minutes, not move, and I pull them out and it takes me 4 minutes to unravel. Amazing. See? These are the things that amaze my mind. And floods of course. And Pacman Jones. And...shit, I could go all day.
20. Vrabel is taking over as LB coach at OSU. Class act, hell of a career, multiple rings...I would listen to him, wouldn't you? Good luck, dude. If anyone can talk recruits to a place where the wheels are coming off, it is you. Stay away from doing the Costanza opposite and don't bust out a sweater vest.
21. Ochocinco must feel out of touch. With both of these lockouts going on, all kinds of people are making the news. By the way, when the hell are you wrestling that alligator? I'm in on watching that shit, biatch. http://www.cbssports.com/mcc/blogs/entry/22475988/30260487
22. Someone told me this week (in case you didn't notice), to start hyperlinking stuff of interest to start networking my blog. So here is another one. A shout out to my watering hole on the weekends: http://www.westword.com/locations/pub-on-penn-1526295/
23. I am truly amazed by baseball etiquette. I had other sports going on during that season, so I admit I was not the greatest baseball player. I was an athlete who could also hit and throw. However, I am watching the ALL-STAR game, where in other sports they play around, make jokes, don't run plays, etc. And even BEFORE they established home field advantage on this thing, the etiquette remains the same. You hit a home run. You trot around the bases. You strike the side out. You walk to the dugout. I love it.
24. Hey, radical idea. Maybe if the NBA needs replacement players, my boy Iverson can get a job. Yay.
25. Hole in ones in golf are so intriguing because there is almost never any footage on them. You just HEAR about them. Not like you can have a camera on every person playing golf in the world at all times, but a 6yr old from IL gets a hole in one. I was still trying to breathe to the side in swimming at the time.
26. I found out that Superbad is still a funny movie on regular TV the other night. Good stuff. When McLovin gets that gun in his hand, it reminds me of me when, during Navy training in college, they gave me a SAW rifle. I ask what I should be aiming at. They replied that if I hit the flat side of the mountain, that they would be impressed. I eventually hit it. I don't think they were impressed at that point. They lied.
27. If I ever caught a 3000th hit or 500th home run, I don't know what I would do. The fan from NY is getting all this flack for just giving the ball back. No matter how strapped I am for cash...ever. I think my sports love would make me give the ball back. Alright, that sounded cute, but I just reread it and have changed my opinion four times in the last 3 seconds....I don't know.
28. Well, tidying things up, the NL just went up to 5-1 on the AL. Cool. I just care so my Phillies have home field advantage in the WS.
29. It doesn't matter what Fox does on its telecast, I love the fact that they go to breaks to Widepread Panic...my boys.
30. That's it. Instead of just saying the obvious ending, my buddy gave me an idea to make a little joke about my usual Rant ender. So, here goes. If Taint ever met my Dad, he would take her fishing. I can see her reeling a fish in and my Dad saying "well, Hook-er!" Now I'm done.
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