072811-NFL free agency analysis included

Read it, don't read it, I don't care...I just have some things to get off my chest.

In no particular order of chronology or importance...

1.  Holy smokes, lots to get to...Tiger is playing next week at the Bridgestone he has announced.  Word is he is going to follow hockey's lead and grow his beard until he wins another major.  As far as your caddie situation, look me up on Facebook, dude.  I say that because I might be the last person in your corner after you got rid of Mr. Williams.  Shit, Tiger.  I have to work though.  Hmmm.  Who has some free time this weekend?  Give Terrelle Pryor a ring.  We already know from his accusations that he likes golf courses.  Carry your golf clubs after the 18th hole each day, though, El Tigre.  He might sell those too.

2.  Butch Davis, the wheels are coming off the train, after your firing at UNC.  If your teams were girlfriends, they are just getting uglier.  Something tells me you would have your ducks more in a row if Florida State wouldn't have gotten in the championship game against Oklahoma after you had beaten Florida State head to head back in the day.  Hey, everyone!  The UNC football coaching job is open!  They LOVE football there.  Start making a line, single file.

3.  Jalen Rose gets busted for speeding hours after being sentenced to 20 days in jail for his DUI.  Word on the street is that he watched "Double Jeopardy" with Ashley Judd the night before and was thoroughly confused by the plot.  Hey, Jalen, get two more tickets and a domestic violence charge and we can just call it the Fab Five.

4.  US Soccer keeps firing their coach.  Happy trails, Bob Bradley.  Hey, US Soccer, how is a team underachieving if our culture in general is behind everyone in the sport anyway?  I would think a little consistency would be important at some point.  The players must all think they are Alex Smith (different offensive coordinator pretty much every year is the joke on that one).  At least now, we will finally know if your son deserves to be on that team.

5.  I don't care if the green police come and get me.  Building on a take in an earlier rant, I am buying paper cones the next time I am at the grocery store...and replace my carpet with artificial grass...

6.  Santana no-hits the Tribe.  They get so mad, that they trade for a guy who sounds like a hitter combined with a natural disaster...Fukodome.  All dumb jokes aside, congrats to Santana, and thanks for clarifying that you are buyers, Indians.  Nice pickup for two prospects.  Seriously (I know it doesn't happen a lot).

7.  I HAD to open this article.  A grandmother recently made the Raiders cheerleading squad after 4 years of failure.  You don't care about my analysis on this, so I will just save words, shorten the take, and send you to the picture...http://www.businessinsider.com/raiders-cheerleader-grandma-2011-7

8.  I was not at all surprised to find out that Kimbo Slice's son is becoming a hot college football prospect given his genes.  I WAS surprised to find out his GPA at his high school.  I don't know about you, but if someone is not destined to be on the Raiders, I don't know who is.  http://mma.sbnation.com/2011/7/27/2297367/kimbo-slices-son-getting-noticed-as-hot-football-prospect

9.  Thank you for making me aware of this, Stephen Colbert.  They don't exactly play these commericals during Sportscenter.  This is only one of them.  I am not shitting you.  They made a white, black, and latino one of these.  Disturbing, and EASILY winning my rant award for the Chandler take...too many jokes... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KlbYhgzJqxQ

10.  The Giants are serious, people.  The usual suspects for a big trade deadline deal are the Yankees, Red Sox, Phils, Angels, yada yada yada.  Not that being off that list means you can't win the World Series, like last year, but then you steal this guy from them?  By signing, he IMMEDIATELY becomes the leading hitter in pretty much every offensive category.  I would LOVE to be a fly on the wall for Carlos's first conversation with Brian Wilson...

11.  One more thing about soccer.  In case anyone was curious about world dominance, Man U has outscored various MLS teams 18-2 in four games since coming over.  If anything, I thought that stat would have SAVED Bob Bradley's job.  It is so much more clear what he was dealing with at that position.

12.  What a way to end a streak.  The Mariners lose 17 straight and then break the streak to who?  The Yanks.  I know how they did it.  No, I do.  They went slumpbusting.  Everyone.  As a team.  They took Mark Grace's theory, and took it to new heights.  Dibs to Rome for the interview back in 1998 in The Jungle: http://www.doubletongued.org/index.php/dictionary/slump_buster/

13.  Jerime Anderson, the point guard for UCLA, got busted for stealing a laptop from the school.  He got caught because the laptop had a tracking device.  He apparently now thinks his schools's acronym stands for Under
Cover
Laptop
Alarm
Moving on...

14.  Michael Phelps has been losing some races lately.  Apparently, the last loss to Lochte was going to generate the headline "Phelps gets smoked," but the editors thought ambiguity wasn't the answer.

15.  I still find the Seinfeld episode when George practices abstinence and gets incredibly smart a hilarious plot (you could be devil's advocate and say that I find ALL of them hilarious, and you would be right). Bonus.  This relates to sports AND Seinfeld.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZz_rbAmfmY

16.  In six games...SO funny.  Anyway, moving on.  I know he started for the American league in the All-Star game, but Jered Weaver has the QUIETEST 14 wins at this point in the season I have ever seen.  Keep it up, bro.  To think, your older brother Jeff was supposed to be the shit.  I am pretty sure he is still a free agent.  I hope he gets a job by Thanksgiving.

17.   (In case you are curious, the NFL breakdown is coming soon.  I am doing it all at once)

18.  The ump gets heat for blowing a call in the 19 inning Pirates/ Braves game.  If there is one job in the world I know I couldn't do, it would be a baseball ref.  Hell, even the NFL refs get a second to soak it in.  They can pretend like they are getting out of the way of a hit and think about it.  Basketball refs just need to really worry about the charge calls, and enough of them are blown that I am pretty sure they just mentally flip a coin.  NHL refs are too much impressing us by staying the hell out of the way.  Baseball umps have about a quarter second to figure out who was first.  It is too bad someone blew a call in the long game, it is too bad one blew one last year in a no-hitter, but I am not poking fun.  You guys have a very, very hard job.  Dibs.

19.  I was watching the Grinds My Gears of Family Guy, and I just wanted to get something out there.  I did not name my thing the "rant" from that.  Coincidental I swear.  Just getting it out there since I know people who read this know I love Family Guy.  Might as well give you the Lindsey Lohan Grinds My Gears while we are on the subject though:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2q2XF3KIaPY

20.  My thoughts are with Hideki Irabu's family.  He committed suicide.  I don't know you as a person, but you bolstered a movement that gave MLB a lot of fantastic players.  There aren't really any better pure baseball players than Ichiro, and we will never know if he would have come over if you hadn't.

21.  Before I hit the NFL, here is one more link that is hilarious that was on the other night.  Once again, just like Kevin Costner brilliantly combining a love story in a perfect baseball game to make the perfect watchable chick flick, it involves comedy AND a draft...freaking brilliant:  http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?videoId=162807

22.  OK.  Let's barrel through this.  I am going to handle this just like I handled the NBA draft...one comment on each:

-Posluszny to the Jags:  Let's just say I don't think we don't have to worry about anyone trying to fight him in practice
-McNabb to the Vikings: If you didn't have a full cupboard before, you sure as hell don't have any excuses with that lineup
-Hasselbeck to the Titans:  If you had bad memories of the bad officiating in the Super Bowl against the Steelers before, you now have to play them a minimum of twice a year
-Holmes back to the Jets:  Who cares?  I want to see if they can pull both him AND Asomugha.  If they pull both, word is the Jets accountant is immediately going to be traded to the US Government to figure out the debt situation
-Burress to ???:  All I know is his practice partner since he was out of prison is Byron Leftwich.  Sell him, Byron
-Kolb to the Cardinals:  Kolb finally can start, the Cardinals finally have a post Warner QB, and for some reason all I care about is why don't people pronounce the "l?"
-Taylor stays with the Steelers:  Class organization.  They keep him AND Suisham.  Nice work, boys.  Just get a designated driver and a muzzle, and we are home-free
-Williams resigns with Carolina:  I have never been to that city, but there must be SOMETHING there.  There HAS to be
-Young leaves the Titans:  I just have a feeling that when he is sad, that he goes home and watches the USC game on repeat
-Rice to the Seahawks:  Someone must have spooked him by telling him Favre was coming back
-Haynesworth to the Pats:  Hold on a second.  Wait for it
-Ochocinco to the Pats:  Now THERE is trust in your organization, people.  You truly must believe you can tame ANYONE.  This is like crossing the streams in Ghostbusters on crack
-Bush to the Dolphins: Hey, guys.  Let's let an undersized speedster go to an offense that runs the Wildcat where big running backs rule.  This is like Mugsy Bogues running the Triangle offense in bball

23.  I am out of time.  Those are the big ones up to this point.  Look for more on Saturday.  Ummm.  What would be my slogan if I would have married Taint?  ho(?)OK(h)er anyway...peace, people...Now, I'm done.

24.  WAIT!  Breaking news!  Darren Sproles literally just went to the Saints.  Minutes ago.  That is a brilliant pickup, and explains to me why they let the Heismans trophy winner (?) go.  I just wanted to feel like a live show for a second.  Late.