ESPY JOURNAL

Some of you have girls, kids, pets, lives, things to do, etc...luckily, you have The Fillerbuster, who only has work, the gym, sports, and my blog.  The first two of them are done for the day.

Maybe you are mad you are missing them, maybe you don't care...either way.  I got your back.

(An Homage to Bill Simmons...LOVE your work, not stealing your diary idea, just using the concept for this rant)

7:00
Microphone malfunction as they open the production.  Nice.

7:03
Seth's monologue.
Lots covered here.  He spent like 3 minutes just on Brian Wilson's beard.  Then he had some funny stuff about the Heat.  Nice work on the Dodgers being broke too.  I won't cover every joke, as I am too busy laughing about some of the Heat jokes.  My favorite one was the Yao Ming joke though.  He says that Yao Ming retired from basketball this year.  It is either that or he is retiling his bathroom.  What can I say?  I have a very dry wit.  All in all.  Not bad, Seth.  His lip movements didn't match up with the words for about two minutes though.  I felt like I was watching the satellite feed at a sports bar during the NFL season for a bit...or watching Milli Vanilli in concert.  Yes, I brought that one back from the last rant.  I am known for beating dead horses.

7:17
Breakthrough Athlete:
Blake Griffin.  Uhhhh...Was this the breakthrough athlete of the "NBA" or just breakthrough athlete?  Did I miss something?  People, he was already player of the year in college.  #1 NBA pick two years ago.  You are my boy (see past rants), but you sure as hell didn't break through anything.  Hell, Li Na would have been a better pick.  Cam, you probably should have won, but for some reason I am glad you didn't.  I don't know why.  Maybe because I still think you knew about the money.

7:21
Comeback Athlete:
Damn.  I was in the kitchen.  This guy came back from cancer or some injury.  Berman mentions it in passing and he gets NO stage time.  How is that shit possible?  This guy probably has the best story of anyone, and he can't get a mic?  Ass backwards if you ask me.

7:28
Best Championship Performance:
Tim Thomas.  That works.  Beard looks good, too.  Go talk to Brian Wilson now.  Talk some sense in him.

7:33
Some made up crazy commercial involving Blake Griffin, Kevin Love, Adrian Peterson, and Tyson Chandler.  The story is about what they are doing for work during the lockout.  Everyone was funny.  As you would expect, Kevin was the funniest.  By far.  Tyson gets to tell some dude coming out of a break up to go on Facebook and invite chicks to his hotel room.  I am confused.  This guy probably has an apartment.  Was this a slip?  You athletes are the ones who lure the chicks back to your hotel room.  The real downer of the fake infommercial was that the price was $9 million, not 3 payments of $19.95.  Really?

7:44
Best Upset:
The easiest to call in my book.  VCU over Kansas.  In all of the years of Cinderella's in the NCAA tourney, I could find maybe a reason the upset would happen.  I would have bet the house on KU.  I thought they would own them.  Glad I was just in a pool.

7:51
Vancouver Kissing Couple Segment:
It was really funny for the first 2 minutes.  Really funny.  The remaining 6 minutes of the segmented were a little overboard.  Very.  Talking about beating a dead horse.

7:59
Best College Player:
Jimmer.  So far, he is the only person who thanks everyone like he is at the Oscars.  He was very serious.  So genuine that I was wondering if he was doing that as a joke.  He wasn't.  Maybe he was already thinking about how Cousins and Evans take a combined 40 shots a game, so where would his chucking come into play.  Maybe he was wondering if he would have to guard the quicker point guards or the taller shooting guards.  Who knows?  Perhaps he is going to dinner with Adam Morrison afterwards also.

8:04-8:16
Arthur Ashe Award:
Dewey Bozella.  Serious story about the boxer in prison.  No jokes on this one.

8:25
I am not exactly hip, but I still have NO idea who this band playing every 25 minutes is...

8:27
Three more Brian Wilson jokes.  They still haven't lost their funniness yet.

8:28
Best Male Athlete:
There is no way Jimmie Johnson can win.  There is no way Jimmie Johnson can win.  There is no way Jimmie Johnson can win....wait for it....mmmmmm....wait for it...YES!!!! He didn't!  Exclamation Point!  Myra had the baby! (Seinfeld reference).  Dirk wins.  He is foreign, so I won't crack on the seriousness of his acceptance speech.  He does make a joke about wanting to thank Cuban, but he can't talk to him during the lockout.  That was kind of funny, Dirk.

8:32
Best Female Athlete:
Tim Tebow appearance.  If you only knew Tim Tebow for 5 or 20 minutes, you....never mind...still makes me laugh though
Lindsey Vonn.  Wrong dress, babe.  You might ski, but wrong dress.  And your Justin Bieber shout out was dumb.

8:33
If I don't get to hear All These Lights sometime during this telecast, I am going to be pissed.  It would be perfect.  These are really some stupid background songs.

8:35
Third shot of Jimmie Johnson on camera in passing.  I have noticed that every time the camera is on the left side.  Hardy har har.

8:37
I find out that the telecast is sponsored by Rise of the Planet of the Apes.  I am timing my breaks to miss the commercials so I don't hate the movie by 9:30.

8:43 (long commercial break)
HILARIOUS fake commercial about Dirk's awkward style of play.  Totally beat down the other Griffin, Love, etc.  commercial...I will put the link up once I find it.

8:47
I still don't understand these action figures they show before they announce the winners of an award.  I feel like I missed out on a comic book when I was a kid.

8:49
Best Game:
Eagles/ Giants.  There was really no bad call on the nominees.  The Thunder/ Grizzlies game, Butler/ Pitt, Bama/ Auburn games were all in the mix.  All great games.  The Butler/ Pitt game I think didn't win because you would rather have a game won because of good performance than stupidity.  The Auburn game only got good really late.  The Thunder/ Grizzlies game would have won if one of them would have won it all.  The Eagles game ended on a GREAT play along with being a great game.  Personally, I still would have taken the Auburn/ Bama game, but once again for some odd reason I am glad Cam got dissed.

8:57
Jedi mind tricks are happening.  I am watching a British Open commercial, anxious to wake up at 4am both Saturday and Sunday, but somehow can't stop thinking about whether Seth has any more Brian Wilson jokes.  Weird.

8:58
Capital One Cup Awards:
Stanford women and Florida Men.  Freaking Gators.

8:59
Here we go.  Jim Valvano Award time.  People, I am assuming that if you are reading this blog, it means you follow sports and have already seen it, but if you have not, stop what you are doing and watch the Jim Valvano speech from back in the day.  "Don't give up.  Don't you ever give up."  I still cry when they replay it.  Still.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HuoVM9nm42E
The one-legged Arizona college wrestler, Anthony Robles, who won the national title wins the award.  Once again, touching, and no jokes.  At all.

9:04
Still marveling about his story...There are times for jokes, and there are times to remember why I love sports SO much.  Amazing.

9:11
(Sidenote: Damn, Cam gets to be on stage.  He is a presenter though.  Yay.)
Best Play of the Year:
If the US Women's team doesn't win...if they don't win...come on...going up against a Rooney bicycle kick though, the Marshawn Lynch run, and some sick cross field soccer goal...come one.  YES!  Myra had the baby!  If you are not following this joke by the way... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3rd7j-aSqFU  Thanks for the revote, ESPN.  Good call.

9:14:
Ahh.  the speed round...instead of me going to sleep during it because I wake up at 5am, they now get it...
NBA Player: Dirk
NFL: Aaron Rodgers
Driver: Johnson
NHL: Tim Thomas
Comeback: Yes.  He gets mentioned again, and is tape recorded accepting.  OK.  That is a little better.  It was a bone disease he fought back from by the way.

9:19
It is almost like other people were worried about hating the movie also.  We are at one hour of no Apes commercials...

9:21
Here comes Justin Bieber and Danica.  Nothing exciting by either.  No worries about any serious acting careers with either, although Danica is still hot in my eyes.  I suddenly wish this telecast was sponsored by Go Daddy.
Best Team:
Dallas Mavericks.  You know?  As I watched who they were competing against, it was kind of like a lack of options, realizing that there weren't any really dominant teams this last year.  No Yankees.  No UConn women.  Plus, it is kind of exciting, because Cuban gets to talk (in front of the crowd) to the players.  End this lockout shit already.

9:26
Yes.  Seth ends show with a Brian Wilson joke inside a Bette Midler reference.

You YouTube people are slow, or I suck at Google.  I can't find that fake commercial.  Anyway.  that is your lowdown.  Look for more of a normal rant Friday night before I go out.  With James Harrison going on his rampage, I have to own up to more Steeler stupidity.

Not a normal rant, so I won't call Taint a hooker.  He He.  Just snuck it in.  Late, people.  Now I'm done.