Read it, don't read it, I don't care...just need to get some things off my chest.
In no particular order of chronology or importance...
My job keeps me pretty busy...so busy that it was a choice of the gym and boxing or blogging tonight. I hope I feel it and you agree I made the right decision. Let's turn and burn. Goose. Hollywood's OK. I WANT Viper.
1. I wish I had more free time. I truly want to allocate 20 minutes of my life and write a letter...yes, a letter...to Cedric Benson while he is serving his time. I might not actually act out on the take each time, but maybe we will start a new segment (more on these new segment themes later) called "people I want to write a letter to this week."
2. Have you ever watched scores on ESPN's crawl, fallen off the couch, and then realized you were watching women's scores? You know. Like when you see Louisiana Tech 64, Kansas 62, or Baylor 80, Michigan State 45? Well, does European soccer have famous womens' teams? I just saw a score the other day that said Manchester United 8, Arsenal 2. I am pretty sure it was the mens' teams who played.
3. I don't know what your recruiting class is like or your home situation, Steve Fisher, but I would just ride into the sunset instead of signing that extension with SDSU. Think about it. You came in at the last second in 1989 and took Mr. Rice and his boys to a championship, and then you make basketball important at a very non-basketball school. You got a championship, you rebuilt a program from nothing (dude, Calhoun was MUCH younger when he did the same thing), and you are pretty old. Call it a day...and mucho dibs.
4. Crazy shit. Michigan will have its first ever night game this year, and Notre Dame will have its first one in 21 years. Prime time, people. Sure, I know at UVA that half of us wouldn't have even made a night game on a weekend, but about time...I will watch the games of course I am not exactly thinking I am a tough sell.
5. Do you miss MacGyver? I do. I just got introduced to a site that will bring his spirit back. Check out this: http://lifehacker.com/ I will be back in a second. I have to go find an ink pen, a bamboo shoot, and a spark plug.
6. I am back. Here is another new segment (I just can't stop, but I have a surprise for you at the end of this rant). "Best casting ever for an individual in a movie." I dabbled in re-watching Point Break the other day. Keanu, you are not "The One," but you were for the casting of that movie. Reminds me of a chicken or egg argument. Did they have the idea first and then call Keanu, or did they manufacture a movie just for him?
7. Chris Johnson. Take it easy man. Wrong or right, you need to cool it on Twitter. People are on both sides of your situation, but take heed about others before you who have done it, and don't crack on the common person. http://espn.go.com/nfl/story/_/id/6913667/chris-johnson-tennessee-titans-rips-fake-fans-twitter
8. The Giants are taking a play from the Marlins playbook...well, months and months later of course. They are disguising "unloading" with "need a change." Six games is a LOT with the time left, but you get rid of Tejada and Rowand? Wow. Tejada SF glory lasted as long as I might with Halle Berry or that new chick to the scene, Saldana.
9. In "the joke is just staring me in the face-I just can't put it together" segment, Jeremy Shockey saved a teammate from joking. Damn. He's got a ring, too. This is like a top flight game of Mad Libs. Moving on...
10. I think I have already made a comment in a past rant about Old Navy, how much I love their clothes, but how stupid are their commercials? Since I made that comment, they now have released sports gear with a Sister Christian theme. I thought I had been slipped acid in my iced tea the first time I saw the commercial.
11. I have said my whole life that John McEnroe said the line "if you are going to miss, miss big. Don't hit it by the line. Hit it in the stands." I just looked it up finally. I don't think he said that. But he SHOULD have, dammit. I don't care. I am going to keep paying it forward.
12. Texas A&M. People. You deny that you submitted a withdrawal letter, and then 30 hours later you say you are leaving the Big 12. I want to go down to Hattiesburg and ask them about it, but then realize I wouldn't accomplish much with that task. Think about it, people. It works as a joke. In a related story, the Bears cut Chester Taylor, and then brought him back.
13. In my "I rolled off the couch suddenly laughing when I heard it" segment, I was watching Family Guy the other night. I chuckle a lot at the show of course. But, since I own the damn thing, and just watched it a couple months ago, I laughed when Peter said "I haven't been this lost since the end of No Way Out." I just laughed again writing that. People, if you haven't seen it, take the time some slow relaxing day. It is actually a decent movie. But you WILL understand why Peter's line was so funny. Think Usual Suspects, Sixth Sense, pre "we think Costner is horrible in anything except baseball movies" time... By the way, speaking of Mr. Costner, crack on him all you want, but he DID play minor league baseball, was in one of the top 5 sports movies of all time (you can pick Bull Durham OR Field of Dreams-either one works), and created the finest chick flick of all time in my opinion, For The Love Of The Game. Think about it. You need to watch a romantic flick with your lady. You would like to enjoy it. Well, take the moving love story that is told in hindsight with flashbacks while a dude is trying to throw a perfect game. Do it, guys.
14. Curtis Granderson is quietly having an INCREDIBLE season. Interesting race between him and Gonzalez for AL MVP. More interesting because the two front runners are from the Yankees and Red Sox. Good stuff.
15. I read my last rant and am changing my prediction for the men's champion. Well, my tie for the pick. I said Murray and Nadal. I still like Murray (and DAMMIT he is due for all of the times I have picked him in a Grand Slam), but just think that past injuries for Nadal and a storybook comeback Federer are going to rule this one. Federer is healthy AND under the radar. I say he might take this and say "did you forget about me, punks?"
16. Cali wins the LLWS! Cali wins the LLWS! I don't know anything else about it. I stopped paying attention to it once the Keystone team got bounced, but am glad the US won. Yay.
17. Tiger is going to play the Frys.com Open in October. I am your biggest supporter outside of your family and your caddie (that's funny-maybe I AM still the biggest supporter), and I. Just. Don't. Care.
18. Venus Williams withdraws from the US Open. I don't want much in life. Can you Predator sisters just rest and give me ONE MORE sister vs. sister final? I know. I started the conspiracy theory that your first 3 were staged by your father, and that you could fake it to make it real since you were practice partners. But. Give me one more. Please. It would be monumental.
19. Odd. It just occurred to me that Rex Grossman made news for predicting his team would win the NFC East when it is not even set in stone yet that he is the starting QB over John Beck. Does anyone else find that odd? That is like Tim Tebow guaranteeing the division for the Broncos. Yay. A Tebow reference. It just makes me happy.
20. Personal note. Be aware. I might up these blogs back up to 3 a week. Not only am I still getting feedback that these are a little long, but I have some more free time now that I just set the record for shortest time people call each other "girlfriend/ boyfriend." This is a public forum, so let's just put it in a Seinfeld reference. Combine "The Keys" episode, with the one where George gets busted for the eclair in the trash can, the window washing, and the painting( I could look up the name, but that was more fun describing it), with the episode where the chick thinks George is crazy and George ends up wearing the Henry VIII jacket as a favor to Kramer at his movie theater (same thing), and you have the general idea of how that fling went. It was LLOYD BRAUN!
21. I found a redeeming factor for NFL preseason. I hope you know I don't watch it by now. Long field goals. You have nothing to lose, games means nothing, so it is the only time in the last 10-15 years or so we get to see 60 yard field goal attempts.
22. Usain Bolt got disqualified for false starting in the finals of the 100m. DID YOU PEOPLE SEE HOW BAD HE WON THE PRELIMINARIES???? I know a rule is a rule, but change it. Make it two false starts. He was just trying to give a run at the record instead of crawling to the finish and still finishing first in the last round and still running a 10.2 something. Geez.
23. JoePa. You are one of my favorite people EVER. No. This is not part of that segment from last time. This is serious. He is going to coach from the sidelines in the opener even with his injuries from the practice. Dude. You are such a badass.
24. When we talk about the next great young golfer, and everyone is so swept up with Rory, does anyone else have a feeling in their gut that Dustin Johnson is not going ANYWHERE? Stay tuned. Dude has power, has learned from mistakes, has athleticism, has short game, has putting skills...just saying.
25. Bruce Pearl is now a marketing VP and has left basketball. If there was ever a person who got bounced from his sports job that I want back, I want him back the MOST. Dude showed up at a womens' game painted in orange. I would give him another chance like we did with Gene Hackman. Hey, Jimmy Chitwood, are you still out there anywhere to give that badass speech? I play, coach stays. He goes, I go.
26. Relax, people. I am not a fan, and am not saying he is more important than Brady, but I will say this. If New England has a chance this year, they NEED Wes Welker. He says he is ok. Good for you guys. When Brady is back there checking down AND Welker is healthy, know that a couple nickelbacks and linebackers are paying a LOT more attention to the middle of the field with that guy in the lineup.
27. Manning. Collins. Painter. Please. Does anyone really think Peyton is going to miss a game? That is like saying that Big Ben still won't go to a college bar, do something ambiguous, and have no excuse for being there even though he is married.
28. Petra Kvitova. Man. I finally start learning other crazy names in the top ten that might win the Open and you lose in the first round?
29. I am a dumb person operating a smart phone, but suddenly my contact list has EVERY person from Facebook. Very confusing and very irritating. I guess the good thing is that it doesn't automatically download your number too. Probably good, since I don't even know some of the people from Facebook.
28. The LSU Shady's victim ended up with broken bones. Ummm. I guess Jordan Jefferson is strong?? I don't know where else to go with this one. Make your own freaking joke.
29. Wilson Chandler just signed with a Chinese professional team. Hey, Wilson, don't call John Thompson, Jr. for advice in how to handle yourself over there. That was really funny. Hardy har har...Truly, funny. No links provided.
30. Another widespread virus movie. Contagion. Someone let me know if this 100th installment of this theme is worth it in the theater. One of my man crushes is in it, Matt Damon. If you give me good advice, maybe we can go see the next alien invasion movie together. I'll buy. Combined movie take (my secret to keeping it under 40 takes)... Is there really a movie coming out called Good Ole Fashioned Orgy?
31. Michael Vick is either back or we are seriously at a shortage for pro superstars. 6 years, $100 mil, $40 mil guaranteed. Who let the dogs out? Big gamble. His speed is key for his game, and he will be 37 at the end of that contract. Allen Iverson needed his speed to do what he did. You saw what happened when he lost a step.
32. Javaris Crittenton...ummm...where the hell do I start? Chandler/ White Men Can't Jump segment runaway...
33. Thanks for letting me know that Bauserman is going to be the starting QB for Ohio State this year. The guy should have won it just for not playing golf with an agent at a public golf course. I was much more interested in hearing that Gilbert will be the starting QB at UT. Hopefully, they have someone to still play in a few years in the Big 12. I know I have a weird sense of humor, but I love all of these conference changes. I hope super conferences (16 teams) aren't eventually formed, but it just makes me smile how names of conferences don't fit their number of teams in them.
34. I am sad to report that Ocho, Artest, and Owens didn't really do anything fun this week. I am sure they did SOMETHING, but the media obviously didn't pick it up. Hey, maybe they are just getting smarter. Nah...I am glad I have The Colbert Report on. I can still smile tonight.
35. FOOTBALL, people!!! Myra had the baby. Things I missed or neglected or lost interest in. The Cowboys cut their Pro Bowl center, Serena hasn't really apologized about her tirade two years ago, Arian Foster tweeting an MRI of his hamstring (can you do that? is that 140 characters or less? is there a tweeting loophole?), a bunch of things about the Hurricanes, Gators, FSU, and the Dolphins, and my entertainment in the term "successor/ coach in waiting..." My predictions for the weekend in the next take...
36. Upset possibilities (one of them is not really an upset, but I just think that people are writing them off): Houston over UCLA, Baylor over TCU, and Miami over Maryland
Games to watch/ bet on the underdog with the spread (I can still be a consulant in my betting retirement):
South Florida over ND
Minnesota over USC
Big Game Picks:
Boise over Georgia
LSU over Oregon
37. SEGMENTS. I TOLD you I would finally write these down. Here is my list of recent new segments that I will incorporate into some of my rants (sad thing is that I only went through 5 rants-sure there are more)
Here is the list:
-chandler/ white men can't jump-too easy, too many jokes
-sky is blue, grass is green fly on the wall
-3 things I learned from espn before a news station
-why tweets will get 500 athletes arrested per year someday
-did you learn how to retire from brett favre
-family guy reference
-seinfeld reference
-the damn joke is staring me in the face-I just can't put it together
-my new favorite person in the world
-I didn't even open the story
-inbounds pass off the person's back in basketball
-how cool is dr. dre
-brady quinn/ lethal weapon closing
-taint reference (debating on phasing out)
-"live" update
-artest, ochocinco, terrell owens
-tim tebow bash even though he is a great guy
-my second favorite team is
-props to fellow blogger
-props to favorite bar
-I am not scared to talk about man crushes
-workout song recommendations
-odd debate (like best third movie)
-has this guy been playing at the same school for 15 years?
-that trade just sounds…fun
-people I want to write a letter to this week
-I rolled off my couch spontaneously when I heard it
-best casting ever for an individual in a movie
38. I don't care what you say. I still think the Angels are going to catch the Rangers. I called it, and I know they are 6 behind, but I also almost stopped watching the Bills-Oilers in '92 and the Reggie Miller playoff game. Take THAT and rewind it back.
39. I had one of my tough friends tell me he hates my tennis takes. Well, go to take 40 then. If you haven't played tennis, I understand how it is boring. If you have played it seriously, it is athletic chess, and a joy to watch.
40. No. I am phasing out my traditional close. It just bores me recently. As one shepherd said to the other shepherd, I am going to get the flock out of here. Peace. Talk to you this weekend.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Saturday, August 27, 2011
082711-Hawkeye
Read it, don't read it, I don't care...I just need to get some things off my chest.
In no particular order of chronology or importance...
1. Jim Thome ends up back with the Indians. This is both smart AND nostalgic. He is obviously pretty much done soon anyway, so odds are this is last stop. Very cool it is back with the team that drafted him. However, just from a Cleveland Indians baseball perspective, they might as well. You never know. Seven games is a LOT of games to make up at this juncture (a LOT), especially the with the way the Tigers are playing, but you might as well give it a shot, right. Makes every one get that warm fuzzy feeling and throws another coin in the fountain. You never know. Thome could get hot, although not likely.
2. Sidney Crosby is still having headaches. Damn, people. I don't care which team you are a fan of, it was years ago and still is that he was the next coming of true greatness in hockey. He is a class act, stays out of trouble, is strong as a bull, has skills that are off the charts, and already got a Cup with an almost right by it. Sidney, do what you have to do and please get better. I don't want to have to be writing a blog about you with Grant Hill, Bernard King, and Bo Jackson references, just to name a few.
3. Texas A & M is still exploring options to move conferences. Let me ask you a question, people. I can understand wanting to get out of a conference if it is hurting your BCS chances. However, you are in a Big 6 conference where multiple teams have won championships...pretty recently. Uhhh. You haven't been one of those recent teams. I personally don't think you should be bitching about anything until you get a few conference titles and BCS wins under your belt. Stop crying.
4. In my "three things I learned this week amazingly from ESPN before a news stations" segment (yes, that is another new one, and I am going to list these recent string of new segments on a spreadsheet to keep track of them at some point), I learned that Steve Jobs stepped down, there was an earthquake on the east coast, and a vicious hurricane on the east coast. My prayers are with NJ, my birthplace, and NYC against Irene. I survived on the beach in VA Beach talking shit to Hurricane Gloria, but still wouldn't recommend doing it.
5. September 23rd is the release of the next movie I will be seeing in the theater. I successfully stopped myself from doing Planet of the Apes just for the effects. Moneyball. Even if you don't know what the heck it is, I have a gut feeling it will resemble Rounders in that respect. If you are educated on Moneyball, then it will be a great movie. If you have no idea, it will still be pretty badass. Anyone who HASN'T seen Rounders, you have my permission to stop reading this right NOW and go watch it. I won't be offended.
6. While we are waiting for the comeback of the Michigan football program to elite status, is anyone but me paying attention to the blue chip recruits exiting stage left? Enough players are leaving that I am expecting for Irene to make a huge left hand turn after NYC and make sense of the evacuation.
7. We all have decisions we regret. We all look back on moments that we will always wonder, "what if I..." Here is Jordan Jefferson's first big one. He was officially arrested for that alleged bar fight after a witness came forward. You KNOW those cops who discussed only football in that laborious questioning of the players were PISSED. "Damn, we got a witness. Guess we got to arrest our starting QB. Damn." Anyway, Jefferson goes from leader of one of the most solid squads in the nation to the guy whose foolishness might have cost the school a championship. Luckily, LSU does have a 5th year senior as their backup, but experienced or not, it is probably not going to be the smoothest ride making your first start in a while against...Oregon. I initially was going to change my feeling on this game, but then I did some more research. I think Jarrett Lee actually still pulls this off. I think he loses one down the road that maybe Jefferson could have won, and I think LSU still doesn't win the whole thing. However, I am still going with my feeling that Oregon's offense is "groovy," and it will be impossible to get that groove this early in the season against the size, power, and speed of that defense. I will say 24-17 LSU. Does anyone else think that at this very moment, Jefferson and Jacory Harris are having shots and beers right now?
8. Hey, Jeff Gordon. I try not to pile on NASCAR too much in this thing, but Wrigley Stadium? During "Take me Out To the Ballgame?" Nice work, sir.
9. Javaris Crittenton. Dude. I am not going to say too much about this until the police figure out everything. Shame, man. You were a stud coming out of high school, then came out a year or two too early from school. Then, THAT showed with your shenanigans with Mr. Arenas pretending you guys WERE Rounders characters. Now, you allegedly killed a woman walking on the street, which apparently was not even your intended target. I am not going to use the Chandler take on this because the death of an innocent person is involved, but come one. Sad stuff...all over. You are like the less funny version of Lawrence Phillips.
10. Interesting tidbit from an interview with Verne Lundquist. After the one of the top 3 (I am just saying that to be fair-I think it was the best) college basketball games in history (UK-Duke '92), Coach K went over to be interviewed by UK radio first right after a monumental and historic win because it was the radio guy's last game. I swear. I can't find ONE FREAKING THING that is bad or irritating about that guy. He plays for a team that I hate passionately because of my schooling, but that dude is pretty much a class act. He really makes you tough to hate them. Don't worry. I still do, but I am just saying it is tougher because of him.
11. In our developing "why tweets will bring down or get arrested 500 athletes a year someday" segment (I just can't STOP making up these segments-sorry), a Mississippi State basketball player was kicked off the team for tweets trashing the program. No comment, because I am sure there will already be a better tweet story to make fun of by the time I am done writing this. I won't be able to keep up, or I will have to blog every 5 hours every day or something.
12. In our latest "I didn't even open the article" segment (HEY, that was already introduced last rant), I saw on the wire that JoePa had just gotten Skype or something to that effect. Wait, stay with me here. Imagine JoePa, who probably bitches every day about computers and technology, chatting back and forth on Skype... I just think that is funny. Maybe I SHOULD have opened the article.
13. Damn. I meant to put this as my first take even though I don't put these in order of chronology or importance, but if you haven't seen this, are patriotic, and care at all for dogs, then this is easily the coolest thing I saw this week. This is the photo that is floating around of a dog sleeping at the base of his master's coffin, a NAVY Seal who was one of the 31 casualties of the helicopter being shot down over Afghanistan. http://www.desmoinesregister.com/article/20110826/NEWS/308260040/0/NEWS03/?odyssey=nav|head
Of course, it doesn't even matter if it wasn't sports related as I add lots of random thoughts in these things. However, the University of Iowa is having that same dog, Hawkeye, lead them onto the field for their home opener. This is not sarcasm. I am ex-military and a dog lover. I just got warm and fuzzy just rereading that take and viewing the picture again. Of course, I also cry at the end of Turner and Hooch.
14. Here is a tidbit that maybe I found interesting. Josh Timlin is a first time starter for the Indians. Here you go. He is the 2nd pitcher since 1919 to go his first 37 starts and last at least 5 innings. Good stuff. I am sure you will run and go excitedly tell the next person you see that fact.
15. Don't they have enough records already? Most Grand Slams in one game now belongs to the Yankees-3. I definitely think that should be a random record held by some bottom dwelling team.
16. I was chuckling enough when it was the Raiders who picked up Terrelle Pryor. However, then I read they sign him for 4 years. 4 years? Is that some supplemental draft rule I am not aware of, or is it just plain stupid? Even if you are betting that he will do better than people think he will and want to lock him up for more years to hold on to him, you are aware he can always pull a Chris Johnson, right?
17. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Danica! You are gorgeous, I admire you choosing racing as a career, want to see you naked, and I root for you. But, please STOP, FOR GOD'S SAKE, telling me where you are going to race next year. Stop talking to the press so much, and go win a couple races where you are at so the news is more exciting. You are quickly becoming the pretty version of Brett Favre for me.
18. He might not be the most badass receiver you have, but isn't there a rule that you need to keep a guy on the roster if he stops a knife attack on a restaurant manager? Dibs, Tandon. http://aol.sportingnews.com/nfl/story/2011-08-26/ravens-rookie-tandon-doss-stops-attack-on-restaurant-manager
19. I suppose I could research this more and have some fun facts for you, but I have more fun referencing it with no expertise. How the HELL does Kyle Busch win so damn much, in different kinds of vehicles no less, at Bristol? I know there are different surfaces, curve angles, mileage, yada yada yada, but in essence aren't they just going around in a circle with fans from 30 different camps? I want to add...nevermind. I should stop this take before you realize that everything I know about Nascar is from reading an occasional article, staring blankly at the screen when ex-college bball star Brad Daughtery is talking about it on ESPN, and Days of Thunder.
20. It is just glorified practices, but there are a few scouts out there dodging there NFL team's GM when the conversation of Andy Dalton comes up. Dude is looking pretty damn good. It is obviously way too early to make references like Tom Brady, Terrell Davis, Kobe Bryant, and Randy Moss, but still...solid...moving on.
21. I was mesmerized by an itemized, broken down analysis of celebrities throwing out the first pitch in a baseball game. I have no joke here, I was just passing along the petty way my mind is entertained.
22. I am not exactly splitting the atom on this, but here is what I am thinking for the MLB playoffs. SF, MIL, PHIL ATL (wildcard), Boston, Detroit, LA, NYY (wildcard). I am saying Boston wins their division because Pedroia is back, and I am saying that LA/ Anaheim DOES catch Texas from behind.
23. Ready, Are you ready? I am going to officially badmouth something regarding Tiger Woods. I don't care if I think he is good for the team's chances, or even good for him. I don't think he should be on the President's Cup team. That's it. I just think he is taking a spot for an up and comer who has his head right on his shoulders.
24. In the LLWS, the Pennsylvania team finally was eliminated. I hope the Miracle, Hoosiers, Glory Road, and Rocky writers didn't listen to me and take the trip.
25. Stop telling me that Cam Newton is "struggling." Of COURSE he is struggling. At Auburn, he played in an offense best associated with basketball's streetball offense. The pro system is so DIFFERENT people. Players are stronger and faster. It has to be.
26. I don't go to them, but I hear people complain about them. I don't know if it the same in other cities, but why are preseason game ticket prices the same as regular season? That really doesn't make much sense, does it? Wow. Live update again in the blog. At the exact same time I am writing this take, they changed over the TV's to the Broncos preseason game, and then this group came in decked out inn Bronco gear, shouting and whistling "Go Broncos." They were loud. Very irritating. Get a grip, people.
27. A top recruit, Andre Drummond, just announced he is going to UConn to play bball. In preseason talk and rankings, I have NEVER seen such a diversity of a team's status as UConn's. I have seen them as low as 4th in their conference to 4th in the NATION. I will go with the latter. Jeremy Lamb is going to be a star, they have depth as usual in their front court, have a coach who has 3 titles already, and that talented freshman class from a year ago is a year older. I am bothered by their lack of pure shooters, but that really didn't stop them the last three times they won it in Calhoun's system, did it?
28. Larry Fitzgerald is arguably the best receiver in football, and I would want to keep him on my team, too. However, does it bother anyone else that he now makes only $3 million less than Tom Brady and Peyton Manning? I am not piling on WR's. I am just saying that one guy has to have the ball in his hand EVERY single down, the other just needs to do something when he is involved in a play 15 times a game. I would compare it to my hatred of any pitcher who pitches on 5 days rest winning the MVP unless they are 30-2 or something.
29. I would be relatively happy if I LIVE as long as Vin Scully has been announcing Dodger games...63 years. Nice work.
30. Let's do US Open calls. I have already discussed in a previous rant how Serena's ranking is ridiculous, but I have done the breakdown and draw research and am ready to make my predictions. For the ladies, I feel strongly Sharapova is taking this one. People, it is not just because I like watching and...listening...to her play her matches. Even though I REALLY like listening to her matches. She is playing pretty well, is due, is healthy, and her game on hardcourt is a good match. For a darkhorse, can I take Serena since she is ranked 28th? OK. I won't. I will go with Jelena Jankovic. I liked what I saw in the last couple matches I have watched with her playing in earlier slams. She has a great game. For the men...mmm...dammit. I am doing it again. Give me Andy Murray as far as analysis, with an asterisk that Nadal is going to wonder why we are not talking about him as much and could take it also. Darkhorse. I LOVE this pick. He has been building and building, is the most athletic guy in tennis, and just hasn't put an entire tournament together, even though when he has been on, he has been on. I will take Jo-Wilfried Tsonga. Dude is a stud, and he sure as hell ain't winning the French (he is French-that is why this is relavent) Open with his skill set.
31. Bonds obstruction of justice is upheld, and Clemens requests to dismiss perjury charge. Stop clogging the wires, cheaters.
32. Let's check in with our favorite people. You know. OUR favorite people. The people who just simply make me smile when I see their name in the news. T.O. still hasn't wrestled an alligator (I am still mad at that, TO), and is killing time acting on "Necessary Roughness." Nothing funny there, but it still makes me smirk. Ocho? Mason Foster hit him during a game and was fined. Ocho said the hit was great and wants to pay his fine. That is against rules by the way, but good ole Ocho sent a tweet, referring to Goodell as "Dad," saying he would reimburse Foster personally. Ocho. I kind of like this one. I am sure you will do something I don't think is not cool pretty soon to balance it out, but I like it. Dad? Paying fines and tweeting about it? Nice work. Mr. Artest. I initially thought you had TWO stories these last few days, but then I realized they were linked. I just saw "name change" and "warrants," and since anything next to your name would be believable, I just thought I would check it out later. I come to find out that your name change has been delayed by the courts because of your excessive outstanding traffic tickets. It is not the most exciting thing from you this rant, but you truly just make me smile. Keep keeping it real, bro.
33. I will not go into a whole tirade on this for this rant, and my friends know I could. However, since it came up in conversation this week, I would just like to mention my biggest pet peeve from the glam rock era. People know that Whitesnake (one of my favorite bands from back in the day before I became a semi-hippy music guy) did "Here I Go Again," a very popular song back in the day, along with inventing beautiful women doing seductive things to cars in music videos. Anyway, I won't let visuals of late 80's Tawny Kitaen get me off my groove. I simply want my readers to know that a guy named John Sykes is on that album as a band member. If you have heard the rest of that album, the guitar is literally sick on that thing, and it was all him. He gets fired, they get popular, and they have to hire TWO guys to replace him for the videos and tour. Two.
Vivian Campbell from Dio and Adrian Vandenburg from..uhhh...Vandenburg. Sad that I don't even have to look that up. Anyway, just know any Whitesnake you hear from that album was actually John Sykes and he got screwed. If you ever want to check out his guitar skills in the badly named, and evidently bitter, band he formed right after, check out Blue Murder. I recommend Jelly Roll, Billy, Riot, and Valley of the Kings, and Out of Love as songs to check out so you don't waste too much time sifting through the crappy ones. You will here Out of Love, and immediately recognize the guitar skills from Is This Love, and you will hear Riot and Valley of the Kings, and immediately think of Crying in the Rain or Still of the Night from Whitesnake.
34. Yay. The Heath Bell waiver pickup/ trade fell apart. Without serious bats in that lineup, I think they could have really helped their cause by getting a solid closing guy. Too bad. My heart cries.
35. I do not claim to be a fantasy expert, and am only decent at it because I don't have to look up depth charts of any team during the draft, so I will spare you from me breaking this down. Be forewarned. I plan on looking into some stuff for my league on Monday and Tuesday. So, if your draft is after this coming Wednesday, check out the rant for some darkhorses. I will not waste time typing what everyone is chirping in your ear, but I usually have some insights on a couple people are forgetting about because of offenses they run, chemistry, history, etc.
36. Things I didn't touch on this week (I am still being told to snip this thing off a little. I am SORRY. I just can't stop typing once I get going. Tonight, I sat down and didn't think I had much to say. I struggled through the first take, and look now-36??), Tebow put downs, Big 12 eyeing Notre Dame comments, breakdown of the NBA lockout issues, Peyton Manning, and Rob Henry getting hurt from Purdue. Only one Seinfeld reference (yada), no sky is blue segment (I am trying to evolve new segments, people), no Chandler take, and limited links. It is a stream of consciousness, and I can't be perfectly consistent.
37. I might phase out my usual closing reference. Just don't really even care anymore, and feel like I am giving her positive props by even mentioning her. So, as my boy Brady Quinn would say, NOW I'm done. Talk to you this week, people.
In no particular order of chronology or importance...
1. Jim Thome ends up back with the Indians. This is both smart AND nostalgic. He is obviously pretty much done soon anyway, so odds are this is last stop. Very cool it is back with the team that drafted him. However, just from a Cleveland Indians baseball perspective, they might as well. You never know. Seven games is a LOT of games to make up at this juncture (a LOT), especially the with the way the Tigers are playing, but you might as well give it a shot, right. Makes every one get that warm fuzzy feeling and throws another coin in the fountain. You never know. Thome could get hot, although not likely.
2. Sidney Crosby is still having headaches. Damn, people. I don't care which team you are a fan of, it was years ago and still is that he was the next coming of true greatness in hockey. He is a class act, stays out of trouble, is strong as a bull, has skills that are off the charts, and already got a Cup with an almost right by it. Sidney, do what you have to do and please get better. I don't want to have to be writing a blog about you with Grant Hill, Bernard King, and Bo Jackson references, just to name a few.
3. Texas A & M is still exploring options to move conferences. Let me ask you a question, people. I can understand wanting to get out of a conference if it is hurting your BCS chances. However, you are in a Big 6 conference where multiple teams have won championships...pretty recently. Uhhh. You haven't been one of those recent teams. I personally don't think you should be bitching about anything until you get a few conference titles and BCS wins under your belt. Stop crying.
4. In my "three things I learned this week amazingly from ESPN before a news stations" segment (yes, that is another new one, and I am going to list these recent string of new segments on a spreadsheet to keep track of them at some point), I learned that Steve Jobs stepped down, there was an earthquake on the east coast, and a vicious hurricane on the east coast. My prayers are with NJ, my birthplace, and NYC against Irene. I survived on the beach in VA Beach talking shit to Hurricane Gloria, but still wouldn't recommend doing it.
5. September 23rd is the release of the next movie I will be seeing in the theater. I successfully stopped myself from doing Planet of the Apes just for the effects. Moneyball. Even if you don't know what the heck it is, I have a gut feeling it will resemble Rounders in that respect. If you are educated on Moneyball, then it will be a great movie. If you have no idea, it will still be pretty badass. Anyone who HASN'T seen Rounders, you have my permission to stop reading this right NOW and go watch it. I won't be offended.
6. While we are waiting for the comeback of the Michigan football program to elite status, is anyone but me paying attention to the blue chip recruits exiting stage left? Enough players are leaving that I am expecting for Irene to make a huge left hand turn after NYC and make sense of the evacuation.
7. We all have decisions we regret. We all look back on moments that we will always wonder, "what if I..." Here is Jordan Jefferson's first big one. He was officially arrested for that alleged bar fight after a witness came forward. You KNOW those cops who discussed only football in that laborious questioning of the players were PISSED. "Damn, we got a witness. Guess we got to arrest our starting QB. Damn." Anyway, Jefferson goes from leader of one of the most solid squads in the nation to the guy whose foolishness might have cost the school a championship. Luckily, LSU does have a 5th year senior as their backup, but experienced or not, it is probably not going to be the smoothest ride making your first start in a while against...Oregon. I initially was going to change my feeling on this game, but then I did some more research. I think Jarrett Lee actually still pulls this off. I think he loses one down the road that maybe Jefferson could have won, and I think LSU still doesn't win the whole thing. However, I am still going with my feeling that Oregon's offense is "groovy," and it will be impossible to get that groove this early in the season against the size, power, and speed of that defense. I will say 24-17 LSU. Does anyone else think that at this very moment, Jefferson and Jacory Harris are having shots and beers right now?
8. Hey, Jeff Gordon. I try not to pile on NASCAR too much in this thing, but Wrigley Stadium? During "Take me Out To the Ballgame?" Nice work, sir.
9. Javaris Crittenton. Dude. I am not going to say too much about this until the police figure out everything. Shame, man. You were a stud coming out of high school, then came out a year or two too early from school. Then, THAT showed with your shenanigans with Mr. Arenas pretending you guys WERE Rounders characters. Now, you allegedly killed a woman walking on the street, which apparently was not even your intended target. I am not going to use the Chandler take on this because the death of an innocent person is involved, but come one. Sad stuff...all over. You are like the less funny version of Lawrence Phillips.
10. Interesting tidbit from an interview with Verne Lundquist. After the one of the top 3 (I am just saying that to be fair-I think it was the best) college basketball games in history (UK-Duke '92), Coach K went over to be interviewed by UK radio first right after a monumental and historic win because it was the radio guy's last game. I swear. I can't find ONE FREAKING THING that is bad or irritating about that guy. He plays for a team that I hate passionately because of my schooling, but that dude is pretty much a class act. He really makes you tough to hate them. Don't worry. I still do, but I am just saying it is tougher because of him.
11. In our developing "why tweets will bring down or get arrested 500 athletes a year someday" segment (I just can't STOP making up these segments-sorry), a Mississippi State basketball player was kicked off the team for tweets trashing the program. No comment, because I am sure there will already be a better tweet story to make fun of by the time I am done writing this. I won't be able to keep up, or I will have to blog every 5 hours every day or something.
12. In our latest "I didn't even open the article" segment (HEY, that was already introduced last rant), I saw on the wire that JoePa had just gotten Skype or something to that effect. Wait, stay with me here. Imagine JoePa, who probably bitches every day about computers and technology, chatting back and forth on Skype... I just think that is funny. Maybe I SHOULD have opened the article.
13. Damn. I meant to put this as my first take even though I don't put these in order of chronology or importance, but if you haven't seen this, are patriotic, and care at all for dogs, then this is easily the coolest thing I saw this week. This is the photo that is floating around of a dog sleeping at the base of his master's coffin, a NAVY Seal who was one of the 31 casualties of the helicopter being shot down over Afghanistan. http://www.desmoinesregister.com/article/20110826/NEWS/308260040/0/NEWS03/?odyssey=nav|head
Of course, it doesn't even matter if it wasn't sports related as I add lots of random thoughts in these things. However, the University of Iowa is having that same dog, Hawkeye, lead them onto the field for their home opener. This is not sarcasm. I am ex-military and a dog lover. I just got warm and fuzzy just rereading that take and viewing the picture again. Of course, I also cry at the end of Turner and Hooch.
14. Here is a tidbit that maybe I found interesting. Josh Timlin is a first time starter for the Indians. Here you go. He is the 2nd pitcher since 1919 to go his first 37 starts and last at least 5 innings. Good stuff. I am sure you will run and go excitedly tell the next person you see that fact.
15. Don't they have enough records already? Most Grand Slams in one game now belongs to the Yankees-3. I definitely think that should be a random record held by some bottom dwelling team.
16. I was chuckling enough when it was the Raiders who picked up Terrelle Pryor. However, then I read they sign him for 4 years. 4 years? Is that some supplemental draft rule I am not aware of, or is it just plain stupid? Even if you are betting that he will do better than people think he will and want to lock him up for more years to hold on to him, you are aware he can always pull a Chris Johnson, right?
17. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Danica! You are gorgeous, I admire you choosing racing as a career, want to see you naked, and I root for you. But, please STOP, FOR GOD'S SAKE, telling me where you are going to race next year. Stop talking to the press so much, and go win a couple races where you are at so the news is more exciting. You are quickly becoming the pretty version of Brett Favre for me.
18. He might not be the most badass receiver you have, but isn't there a rule that you need to keep a guy on the roster if he stops a knife attack on a restaurant manager? Dibs, Tandon. http://aol.sportingnews.com/nfl/story/2011-08-26/ravens-rookie-tandon-doss-stops-attack-on-restaurant-manager
19. I suppose I could research this more and have some fun facts for you, but I have more fun referencing it with no expertise. How the HELL does Kyle Busch win so damn much, in different kinds of vehicles no less, at Bristol? I know there are different surfaces, curve angles, mileage, yada yada yada, but in essence aren't they just going around in a circle with fans from 30 different camps? I want to add...nevermind. I should stop this take before you realize that everything I know about Nascar is from reading an occasional article, staring blankly at the screen when ex-college bball star Brad Daughtery is talking about it on ESPN, and Days of Thunder.
20. It is just glorified practices, but there are a few scouts out there dodging there NFL team's GM when the conversation of Andy Dalton comes up. Dude is looking pretty damn good. It is obviously way too early to make references like Tom Brady, Terrell Davis, Kobe Bryant, and Randy Moss, but still...solid...moving on.
21. I was mesmerized by an itemized, broken down analysis of celebrities throwing out the first pitch in a baseball game. I have no joke here, I was just passing along the petty way my mind is entertained.
22. I am not exactly splitting the atom on this, but here is what I am thinking for the MLB playoffs. SF, MIL, PHIL ATL (wildcard), Boston, Detroit, LA, NYY (wildcard). I am saying Boston wins their division because Pedroia is back, and I am saying that LA/ Anaheim DOES catch Texas from behind.
23. Ready, Are you ready? I am going to officially badmouth something regarding Tiger Woods. I don't care if I think he is good for the team's chances, or even good for him. I don't think he should be on the President's Cup team. That's it. I just think he is taking a spot for an up and comer who has his head right on his shoulders.
24. In the LLWS, the Pennsylvania team finally was eliminated. I hope the Miracle, Hoosiers, Glory Road, and Rocky writers didn't listen to me and take the trip.
25. Stop telling me that Cam Newton is "struggling." Of COURSE he is struggling. At Auburn, he played in an offense best associated with basketball's streetball offense. The pro system is so DIFFERENT people. Players are stronger and faster. It has to be.
26. I don't go to them, but I hear people complain about them. I don't know if it the same in other cities, but why are preseason game ticket prices the same as regular season? That really doesn't make much sense, does it? Wow. Live update again in the blog. At the exact same time I am writing this take, they changed over the TV's to the Broncos preseason game, and then this group came in decked out inn Bronco gear, shouting and whistling "Go Broncos." They were loud. Very irritating. Get a grip, people.
27. A top recruit, Andre Drummond, just announced he is going to UConn to play bball. In preseason talk and rankings, I have NEVER seen such a diversity of a team's status as UConn's. I have seen them as low as 4th in their conference to 4th in the NATION. I will go with the latter. Jeremy Lamb is going to be a star, they have depth as usual in their front court, have a coach who has 3 titles already, and that talented freshman class from a year ago is a year older. I am bothered by their lack of pure shooters, but that really didn't stop them the last three times they won it in Calhoun's system, did it?
28. Larry Fitzgerald is arguably the best receiver in football, and I would want to keep him on my team, too. However, does it bother anyone else that he now makes only $3 million less than Tom Brady and Peyton Manning? I am not piling on WR's. I am just saying that one guy has to have the ball in his hand EVERY single down, the other just needs to do something when he is involved in a play 15 times a game. I would compare it to my hatred of any pitcher who pitches on 5 days rest winning the MVP unless they are 30-2 or something.
29. I would be relatively happy if I LIVE as long as Vin Scully has been announcing Dodger games...63 years. Nice work.
30. Let's do US Open calls. I have already discussed in a previous rant how Serena's ranking is ridiculous, but I have done the breakdown and draw research and am ready to make my predictions. For the ladies, I feel strongly Sharapova is taking this one. People, it is not just because I like watching and...listening...to her play her matches. Even though I REALLY like listening to her matches. She is playing pretty well, is due, is healthy, and her game on hardcourt is a good match. For a darkhorse, can I take Serena since she is ranked 28th? OK. I won't. I will go with Jelena Jankovic. I liked what I saw in the last couple matches I have watched with her playing in earlier slams. She has a great game. For the men...mmm...dammit. I am doing it again. Give me Andy Murray as far as analysis, with an asterisk that Nadal is going to wonder why we are not talking about him as much and could take it also. Darkhorse. I LOVE this pick. He has been building and building, is the most athletic guy in tennis, and just hasn't put an entire tournament together, even though when he has been on, he has been on. I will take Jo-Wilfried Tsonga. Dude is a stud, and he sure as hell ain't winning the French (he is French-that is why this is relavent) Open with his skill set.
31. Bonds obstruction of justice is upheld, and Clemens requests to dismiss perjury charge. Stop clogging the wires, cheaters.
32. Let's check in with our favorite people. You know. OUR favorite people. The people who just simply make me smile when I see their name in the news. T.O. still hasn't wrestled an alligator (I am still mad at that, TO), and is killing time acting on "Necessary Roughness." Nothing funny there, but it still makes me smirk. Ocho? Mason Foster hit him during a game and was fined. Ocho said the hit was great and wants to pay his fine. That is against rules by the way, but good ole Ocho sent a tweet, referring to Goodell as "Dad," saying he would reimburse Foster personally. Ocho. I kind of like this one. I am sure you will do something I don't think is not cool pretty soon to balance it out, but I like it. Dad? Paying fines and tweeting about it? Nice work. Mr. Artest. I initially thought you had TWO stories these last few days, but then I realized they were linked. I just saw "name change" and "warrants," and since anything next to your name would be believable, I just thought I would check it out later. I come to find out that your name change has been delayed by the courts because of your excessive outstanding traffic tickets. It is not the most exciting thing from you this rant, but you truly just make me smile. Keep keeping it real, bro.
33. I will not go into a whole tirade on this for this rant, and my friends know I could. However, since it came up in conversation this week, I would just like to mention my biggest pet peeve from the glam rock era. People know that Whitesnake (one of my favorite bands from back in the day before I became a semi-hippy music guy) did "Here I Go Again," a very popular song back in the day, along with inventing beautiful women doing seductive things to cars in music videos. Anyway, I won't let visuals of late 80's Tawny Kitaen get me off my groove. I simply want my readers to know that a guy named John Sykes is on that album as a band member. If you have heard the rest of that album, the guitar is literally sick on that thing, and it was all him. He gets fired, they get popular, and they have to hire TWO guys to replace him for the videos and tour. Two.
Vivian Campbell from Dio and Adrian Vandenburg from..uhhh...Vandenburg. Sad that I don't even have to look that up. Anyway, just know any Whitesnake you hear from that album was actually John Sykes and he got screwed. If you ever want to check out his guitar skills in the badly named, and evidently bitter, band he formed right after, check out Blue Murder. I recommend Jelly Roll, Billy, Riot, and Valley of the Kings, and Out of Love as songs to check out so you don't waste too much time sifting through the crappy ones. You will here Out of Love, and immediately recognize the guitar skills from Is This Love, and you will hear Riot and Valley of the Kings, and immediately think of Crying in the Rain or Still of the Night from Whitesnake.
34. Yay. The Heath Bell waiver pickup/ trade fell apart. Without serious bats in that lineup, I think they could have really helped their cause by getting a solid closing guy. Too bad. My heart cries.
35. I do not claim to be a fantasy expert, and am only decent at it because I don't have to look up depth charts of any team during the draft, so I will spare you from me breaking this down. Be forewarned. I plan on looking into some stuff for my league on Monday and Tuesday. So, if your draft is after this coming Wednesday, check out the rant for some darkhorses. I will not waste time typing what everyone is chirping in your ear, but I usually have some insights on a couple people are forgetting about because of offenses they run, chemistry, history, etc.
36. Things I didn't touch on this week (I am still being told to snip this thing off a little. I am SORRY. I just can't stop typing once I get going. Tonight, I sat down and didn't think I had much to say. I struggled through the first take, and look now-36??), Tebow put downs, Big 12 eyeing Notre Dame comments, breakdown of the NBA lockout issues, Peyton Manning, and Rob Henry getting hurt from Purdue. Only one Seinfeld reference (yada), no sky is blue segment (I am trying to evolve new segments, people), no Chandler take, and limited links. It is a stream of consciousness, and I can't be perfectly consistent.
37. I might phase out my usual closing reference. Just don't really even care anymore, and feel like I am giving her positive props by even mentioning her. So, as my boy Brady Quinn would say, NOW I'm done. Talk to you this week, people.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
082411-CIANAS
Read it, don't read it, I don't care...just need to get some things off my chest.
In no particular order of chronology or importance...
My mood is perfect (not a perfect mood, just perfect for ranting), Family Guy is on, and I kind of feel like Mike McDermott sitting down to play KGB with a full box of Oreo's, a bank roll, and a mask. Let's turn and burn. As usual, lots to get to, and stopping is my main problem.
1. This rant is not only about sarcasm. My first take is for Pat Summitt. You have always been a class act and one of the greatest coaches in basketball for all time. Your players' reactions to the latest news tell me even more clearly how great of coach and person you are. My respect goes out to your honesty, my respect goes out to you continuing to coach, and my prayers go to you that the disease does not progress.
2. At press time, the local Pennsylvania team was still in the LLWS, with a no-hitter and a couple comebacks on their resume. Whoever the hell wrote Hoosiers, Glory Road, Miracle, etc. better get to Williamsport pronto. I am on board. I actually checked the game that was on tonight just to make sure I wasn't missing them. Jump on the bandwagon. It hasn't been used since the Women's World Cup-runs great.
3. I dabbled in an interesting debate the other day. What is the best third movie ever made? When Bourne Ultimatum came out, I was the biggest supporter of this as the best. I didn't do any research, and I was aware that my outlandish bias towards those movies (pretty much my favorite line of flicks) might skew my input in this debate. Afterwards, I sat back and thought about it a little more. I decided that it would still be hovering in the top 3 regardless, just maybe at #3 as opposed to #1 worse case, depending on my mood. Before reading my top 3, remember that I am not including animated flicks (Toy Story 3 would probably give some people a run), Harry Potter movies (haven't seen any of them), or Lord of the Rings (once again, I haven't seen any). Here we go. You can put me down for: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly, Return of the Jedi (episode 6 ironically enough), and then Bourne Ultimatum. Have a blast disagreeing with me and making your own list.
4. Dibs to Jered Weaver. You are not exactly broke with your new contract, but signing to stay near home and the place you love and not listening to Scott Boras and going into free agency gives me mucho respect for you. Considering Sabbathia signed a total contract of about 75 mil more than you, you must be truly grounded and love your team. You have a new fan.
5. I'm not worried. Seriously. However, I guess my eyebrows did furrow a little when I read that the Giants just signed Heath Bell on that freaking post trade deadline, "waiver" thing. I am not totally worried about my Phils, as you need to have a lead to make a closer effectively change a game, but am sure glad they don't have the offense my boys have.
6. Bryant McKinnie just signed with the Ravens. You can have him, Baltimore. Good news is he got picked up by a good team. The bad news is Baltimore still has nightclubs, strippers, phonebooths, and...boats. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2005_Minnesota_Vikings_boat_cruise_scandal
7. I know I already talked about Russell Wilson a few rants ago. I swear I am not a closet Wisconsin fan. Maybe I just think about it more since UVA sucks so bad for the last 15 years or so. I just think about them with a quality QB and I think they have serious potential. Penn State and Nebraska come to their crib, and my only problem is back to back away games against Michigan State and Ohio State. The bad news is that those games are late in the season, where a loss paralyzes you because you have no time to move up. The good news is that those games are late in the season, when Wilson might just be hitting full stride.
8. Yay. Easy sky is blue, grass is green take. I was kind of worried about Zach Randolph's rise to fame by carrying his underdog team through the playoffs, but just as DeShawn Stephenson gave me a breath of fresh air after his championship with public intoxication, Zach did his part. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/08/23/zach-randolph-drug-dealer-marijuana-party_n_934138.html
9. I just saw a Family Guy episode that I hadn't seen with a minor character having J. Peterman's voice. That must be why I love that show so much. It is Seinfeld characters revisited. Putty AND Peterman. Fancy shit.
10. Tiger is 36th in the world. I think I know what he is planning. It is painstaking, odd, and not the brightest strategy, but he doing this. He is waiting until he is EXACTLY 64th in the world before making his huge comeback. That way, he can play Lee Westwood or whoever is #1 in the FIRST ROUND of a World Golf Championship Match Play Tournament. Brilliant. I am just joking. I know I am supposedly a supporter, but...he just sucks right now...as a person AND a golfer.
11. Ex-Bengal Antwan Odom got shot in the thigh during a home invasion. In a related story, Plaxico Burress left practice early that day also.
12. I would like to make up a new word/ acronym (both work). CIANAS. Once it becomes mainstream, I will let Wikipedia know to post a picture of AJ Burnett right by the definition. Its meaning would be "cashed in and now am slacking." Dude gets paid and now the only reason he is still in the rotation is because he has sucked the last three Augusts. Check the stats.
13. Chandler take of the week. Terrelle Pryor goes to the Raiders. Let me start by saying...hmmm..people. I can't do this. There are truly too many jokes. I will tell you what. I will see where I end up on this stream of consciousness and come back and add some jokes if I am under my maximum amount of takes (like that EVER happens).
14. I am nice to animals. However, I have to confess that I killed something today. I am truly (seriously) only scared of two things in life. Brown Recluses (not spiders, just that particular kind of spider-I blame a Reader's Digest article I read when I was 8 about a guy who had his arm amputated after a bite) and bees (that includes hornets, wasps, yellow jackets, etc.). Anyway, I know EXACTLY what a Brown Recluse looks like. I killed it outside my apartment front steps. I just signed a new lease, but I will look into moving tomorrow. My screen has holes.
15. I am starting a new segment. It will be called the "fly on the wall" take. In my initial fly on the wall take, I will say this. LSU has one of the top 3 fan bases in the country for football. They are preseason ranked 1,2,or 3, depending on what poll you are reading. Four football players, including the starting QB, are ALLEGEDLY in a bar fight. Today, they were questioned after they HIRED A LAWYER. There were no arrests. Come on. COME ON. Can you imagine the hard core questioning going on in that room? "Hey, Jordan, is coach giving you the keys to change plays this year?" Let me guess that their internal punishment for being at the bar,"Shady's," will be a 2nd or 3rd game ban (they play Oregon first game, people). I haven't looked at the rest of their schedule, but I would guess some directional school is involved.
16. Another new segment (I suppose I should start writing these down at some point)...the "damn, the joke is just STARING me in the face, and I can't put it together" take. Acronym will be a work in progress. Anyway, Kyle Busch wins at Pocono AND then loses his license for 45 days. Damn, Fillerbuster. Just put it together. There has to be something there. To tag team this new segment, Justin Gatlin is racing a race with frostbite. Dammit. Moving on.
17. Let's keep it going. Another new segment...The "my new favorite person in the world" take. Jim Irsay. For the first time since starting this rant, I was not pissed off about Favre being on the wire for something. Irsay was joking around about being in Mississippi this week with all of the talk about Peyton possibly missing games. Shit, Jim, I know you are joking, but you should have done it. Can you imagine the guy who holds the record for most consecutive games for a QB all time replacing the guy in 2nd? Classic. Side note, Kerry Collins is back...for the Colts. The poor guy gets more pub retiring than Dave Krieg (that was funny, people), and has to come back like Sugar Ray.
18. One more. The "I didn't even open the story" take. I can't comment on either because I really didn't open either one, but all I know is this. Kevin Durant was mentioned about a movie contract, and Blake Griffin is an intern on Funny or Die. It's a lockout. Will someone PLEASE wrestle an alligator? Jesus, I don't ask for much in this life. If you don't get that one, you once again aren't reading this enough.
19. Kenny Britt just announced his meeting with Roger Goodell went "well." Kenny, did it go well because you weren't busted for drugs to and fro, didn't assault anyone, didn't drink and drive, or do anything else that is easily in your repertoire?
20. Dayne Crist was named the starting QB for the Irish. A couple things here. One, it will always be an honor to be named the starting QB for one of the greatest football schools in history. Second, who cares? You will go as the defense goes, unlike other years (yes, you Jimmy Clausen). Hey, Crist, you are like the college version of Trent Dilfer. Plus, unlike Kim Clijsters, you are actually MISSING a consonant in your name.
21. Sorry, got to refer to a previous take in this rant. I have to do this when dumb jokes come to me once I hit my stride. The east coast earthquake apparently hit a 5.9 on the Richter Scale. New Raven Bryant McKinnie was allegedly sad that it wasn't a 6.9. Hold on. Not sure if I just laughed out loud because I have switched over to Colbert Report or whether I was laughing at my own joke. I will never know.
22. Hey, ARod. I promise I didn't start my rant with a Rounders reference considering you were meeting with MLB about your coke/ cash/ high stakes poker game. Want an Oreo, ARod? I won't "tell."
23. See? Wimbledon has it going on. They seed according to "grass court results" and, in my opinion, however the hell the feel about the seedings. US Open (I just realized that I am calling out a tournament and not a person or group of persons-anyway), you gave Serena a 28th seeding? Were you all at ARod's poker game, too?
24. I only care about the National League right now in baseball, but Pedroia is back for the Red Sox...just saying. Talk about the opposite of a CIANAS. Yay, I used my new word/ acronym in a sentence.
25. The "U" had 15 athletes involved? That is like the North Carolina illegally parking and THEN doing bad stuff. Sorry, I am not giving links in my last few takes...kind of on a roll. Trust me. That last joke was kind of funny.
26. Justin Combs just got a scholarship offer to UCLA. If they continue to suck, if Rick gets fired, and if their penalized arch rival keeps kicking their ass in recruiting, then he can sing one of his Daddy's songs. http://www.lyricskeeper.com/p_diddy-lyrics/22489-lonely-lyrics.htm
27. Justin Verlander. Cruise Control. Maybe he reads my rants about me starting an organization with him last time. He just got his 19th. We are not in September yet. No Denny McLain, but still...
28. Jim Thome gets his 600th home run and then gets put on waivers. That just seems...well...wrong to me.
29. Tweets are beating the normal news on a regular basis. Expanding on the Irsay story, we got told this week that Jimmy Rollins was being put on the DL way before the Phillies even announced it. Pretty soon, when there is a fumble mob in an NFL game, we are going to be tweeted who has the ball.
30. Matt Holliday had a moth enter his ear and had to leave the game. I had good jokes for this one, but they needed to be playing the Yankees (think George-Seinfeld-Raincoat episode). They were playing the Dodgers. Damn.
31. Fantasy football is starting pretty soon and I will play one league. I like it, and it is ok funwise. My problem is the problem. When I go to watch games, I want to shoot myself if I end up sitting next to THAT guy You know. The guy who doesn't even know the score if you asked, and is yelling at the TV about how the QB has to throw it to his slot receiver on that play because he gets extra points for the situation and then looks at the other TV where HIS Saints are playing and he is rooting for a running play by Mark Ingram, even though it is 3rd and 9, because he is the additional player because his running backs are so good and he is playing against Adrian Peterson and...you get the idea. I PURPOSELY left out the commas. I pick a team and hope for the best. The only player I have from my own team is the defense. BECAUSE. You are ALWAYS rooting for the defense. Just go RB, RB, QB, WR, and call it a day.
32. Poor Giants. They lose TWO CB's in a week? With this short of training camp, and this little preparation, that is huge. The two sawed in two Harold Carmichaels (listen, you have to read this regularly to get all of the jokes) are licking their chops. Unlike Sharapova (last rant), you don't have to send me the tape of them actually doing that.
33. Haynesworth pleads to something he did. Hardy har har. I have nothing on this. It is just fun to mention either Albert Haynesworth or Ron Artest in all of my rants. They just put a smile on my face.
34. The Diamondbacks are sliding. Wow. I never saw THAT coming. One frontline pitcher and no bats, and they are sliding? I think I might have to go split the atom before take 35.
35. OK. I didn't succeed in splitting the atom. Let's get back to it. I LOVE the "most interesting man in the world" commercials. But. Did the inventors of that idea get rich and go on a bender? They have kind of tapered off, kind of like the unimaginative end of just killing everyone in The Departed. Put me in coach. I have LOTS of ideas. We can amp that up right now. While I am at it, let's get the Cuervo guy to stop making innuendos about how I should dress mature to drink their tequila. My sandals, shorts, and backwards hat would welcome a shot-no pun intended (i just laughed out loud). Patron? Need anyone?
36. I wanted to do a take on the whole Cy-Hawk trophy, but I can't get past the fact that it is the dumbest name for a trophy ever.
37. I follow sports, and it kind of made sense once I figured it out, but I am admitting I still had to look it up. Bruce Pearl's "show-cause" penalty. To save you some Google time, it means that penalties are laid down, and the incoming coaches are not under any watchful eye. Good. Fair. More importantly, if a school wants to hire Pearl, they have to explain, for the next 3 years, why they want him as coach. Basically, it is a book report by the school for a guy who turned a football school into one who actually cared about basketball (besides the ladies) for a few years.
38. "The Warrior" is coming out. I am not sure if a similar movie was already made, but it was made by the same guy who did "The Miracle," I have boxed my entire life, and they dared in a preview to say it "was better than "The Fighter."" (saw it twice in the theater) I am coming to the theater. You better not be playing me. By the way, it is about two brothers who end up fighting for the boxing championship. Sounds cheesy, and very fancy. I'm in.
39. What's my limit? 40? Guess we better shut it down. Sorry, Chris Johnson, I will cover you when something is actually resolved. Taint? Whatever. You are a hooker. Thanks for the rant idea, not letting me sneak one past the goalie, and stay in the Ranch.
**I reported something live last week about Tim Tebow being announced as the #3 QB. That apparently has NOT been announced. I apologize, and realize that is why I don't normally trust 3rd party information. It will probably end up being correct, but I don't like reporting bad info. I will go back to leaning on me and me only.
39a. But, since we mentioned the #2 QB from the Broncos...(I got lots of feedback from Broncos fans about my 2nd team thing. Listen. I could live here for another 14 years and will continue to root against you, root for my Steelers, and not have a 2nd team). NOW I'm done. Peace. Talk to you Saturday.
In no particular order of chronology or importance...
My mood is perfect (not a perfect mood, just perfect for ranting), Family Guy is on, and I kind of feel like Mike McDermott sitting down to play KGB with a full box of Oreo's, a bank roll, and a mask. Let's turn and burn. As usual, lots to get to, and stopping is my main problem.
1. This rant is not only about sarcasm. My first take is for Pat Summitt. You have always been a class act and one of the greatest coaches in basketball for all time. Your players' reactions to the latest news tell me even more clearly how great of coach and person you are. My respect goes out to your honesty, my respect goes out to you continuing to coach, and my prayers go to you that the disease does not progress.
2. At press time, the local Pennsylvania team was still in the LLWS, with a no-hitter and a couple comebacks on their resume. Whoever the hell wrote Hoosiers, Glory Road, Miracle, etc. better get to Williamsport pronto. I am on board. I actually checked the game that was on tonight just to make sure I wasn't missing them. Jump on the bandwagon. It hasn't been used since the Women's World Cup-runs great.
3. I dabbled in an interesting debate the other day. What is the best third movie ever made? When Bourne Ultimatum came out, I was the biggest supporter of this as the best. I didn't do any research, and I was aware that my outlandish bias towards those movies (pretty much my favorite line of flicks) might skew my input in this debate. Afterwards, I sat back and thought about it a little more. I decided that it would still be hovering in the top 3 regardless, just maybe at #3 as opposed to #1 worse case, depending on my mood. Before reading my top 3, remember that I am not including animated flicks (Toy Story 3 would probably give some people a run), Harry Potter movies (haven't seen any of them), or Lord of the Rings (once again, I haven't seen any). Here we go. You can put me down for: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly, Return of the Jedi (episode 6 ironically enough), and then Bourne Ultimatum. Have a blast disagreeing with me and making your own list.
4. Dibs to Jered Weaver. You are not exactly broke with your new contract, but signing to stay near home and the place you love and not listening to Scott Boras and going into free agency gives me mucho respect for you. Considering Sabbathia signed a total contract of about 75 mil more than you, you must be truly grounded and love your team. You have a new fan.
5. I'm not worried. Seriously. However, I guess my eyebrows did furrow a little when I read that the Giants just signed Heath Bell on that freaking post trade deadline, "waiver" thing. I am not totally worried about my Phils, as you need to have a lead to make a closer effectively change a game, but am sure glad they don't have the offense my boys have.
6. Bryant McKinnie just signed with the Ravens. You can have him, Baltimore. Good news is he got picked up by a good team. The bad news is Baltimore still has nightclubs, strippers, phonebooths, and...boats. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2005_Minnesota_Vikings_boat_cruise_scandal
7. I know I already talked about Russell Wilson a few rants ago. I swear I am not a closet Wisconsin fan. Maybe I just think about it more since UVA sucks so bad for the last 15 years or so. I just think about them with a quality QB and I think they have serious potential. Penn State and Nebraska come to their crib, and my only problem is back to back away games against Michigan State and Ohio State. The bad news is that those games are late in the season, where a loss paralyzes you because you have no time to move up. The good news is that those games are late in the season, when Wilson might just be hitting full stride.
8. Yay. Easy sky is blue, grass is green take. I was kind of worried about Zach Randolph's rise to fame by carrying his underdog team through the playoffs, but just as DeShawn Stephenson gave me a breath of fresh air after his championship with public intoxication, Zach did his part. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/08/23/zach-randolph-drug-dealer-marijuana-party_n_934138.html
9. I just saw a Family Guy episode that I hadn't seen with a minor character having J. Peterman's voice. That must be why I love that show so much. It is Seinfeld characters revisited. Putty AND Peterman. Fancy shit.
10. Tiger is 36th in the world. I think I know what he is planning. It is painstaking, odd, and not the brightest strategy, but he doing this. He is waiting until he is EXACTLY 64th in the world before making his huge comeback. That way, he can play Lee Westwood or whoever is #1 in the FIRST ROUND of a World Golf Championship Match Play Tournament. Brilliant. I am just joking. I know I am supposedly a supporter, but...he just sucks right now...as a person AND a golfer.
11. Ex-Bengal Antwan Odom got shot in the thigh during a home invasion. In a related story, Plaxico Burress left practice early that day also.
12. I would like to make up a new word/ acronym (both work). CIANAS. Once it becomes mainstream, I will let Wikipedia know to post a picture of AJ Burnett right by the definition. Its meaning would be "cashed in and now am slacking." Dude gets paid and now the only reason he is still in the rotation is because he has sucked the last three Augusts. Check the stats.
13. Chandler take of the week. Terrelle Pryor goes to the Raiders. Let me start by saying...hmmm..people. I can't do this. There are truly too many jokes. I will tell you what. I will see where I end up on this stream of consciousness and come back and add some jokes if I am under my maximum amount of takes (like that EVER happens).
14. I am nice to animals. However, I have to confess that I killed something today. I am truly (seriously) only scared of two things in life. Brown Recluses (not spiders, just that particular kind of spider-I blame a Reader's Digest article I read when I was 8 about a guy who had his arm amputated after a bite) and bees (that includes hornets, wasps, yellow jackets, etc.). Anyway, I know EXACTLY what a Brown Recluse looks like. I killed it outside my apartment front steps. I just signed a new lease, but I will look into moving tomorrow. My screen has holes.
15. I am starting a new segment. It will be called the "fly on the wall" take. In my initial fly on the wall take, I will say this. LSU has one of the top 3 fan bases in the country for football. They are preseason ranked 1,2,or 3, depending on what poll you are reading. Four football players, including the starting QB, are ALLEGEDLY in a bar fight. Today, they were questioned after they HIRED A LAWYER. There were no arrests. Come on. COME ON. Can you imagine the hard core questioning going on in that room? "Hey, Jordan, is coach giving you the keys to change plays this year?" Let me guess that their internal punishment for being at the bar,"Shady's," will be a 2nd or 3rd game ban (they play Oregon first game, people). I haven't looked at the rest of their schedule, but I would guess some directional school is involved.
16. Another new segment (I suppose I should start writing these down at some point)...the "damn, the joke is just STARING me in the face, and I can't put it together" take. Acronym will be a work in progress. Anyway, Kyle Busch wins at Pocono AND then loses his license for 45 days. Damn, Fillerbuster. Just put it together. There has to be something there. To tag team this new segment, Justin Gatlin is racing a race with frostbite. Dammit. Moving on.
17. Let's keep it going. Another new segment...The "my new favorite person in the world" take. Jim Irsay. For the first time since starting this rant, I was not pissed off about Favre being on the wire for something. Irsay was joking around about being in Mississippi this week with all of the talk about Peyton possibly missing games. Shit, Jim, I know you are joking, but you should have done it. Can you imagine the guy who holds the record for most consecutive games for a QB all time replacing the guy in 2nd? Classic. Side note, Kerry Collins is back...for the Colts. The poor guy gets more pub retiring than Dave Krieg (that was funny, people), and has to come back like Sugar Ray.
18. One more. The "I didn't even open the story" take. I can't comment on either because I really didn't open either one, but all I know is this. Kevin Durant was mentioned about a movie contract, and Blake Griffin is an intern on Funny or Die. It's a lockout. Will someone PLEASE wrestle an alligator? Jesus, I don't ask for much in this life. If you don't get that one, you once again aren't reading this enough.
19. Kenny Britt just announced his meeting with Roger Goodell went "well." Kenny, did it go well because you weren't busted for drugs to and fro, didn't assault anyone, didn't drink and drive, or do anything else that is easily in your repertoire?
20. Dayne Crist was named the starting QB for the Irish. A couple things here. One, it will always be an honor to be named the starting QB for one of the greatest football schools in history. Second, who cares? You will go as the defense goes, unlike other years (yes, you Jimmy Clausen). Hey, Crist, you are like the college version of Trent Dilfer. Plus, unlike Kim Clijsters, you are actually MISSING a consonant in your name.
21. Sorry, got to refer to a previous take in this rant. I have to do this when dumb jokes come to me once I hit my stride. The east coast earthquake apparently hit a 5.9 on the Richter Scale. New Raven Bryant McKinnie was allegedly sad that it wasn't a 6.9. Hold on. Not sure if I just laughed out loud because I have switched over to Colbert Report or whether I was laughing at my own joke. I will never know.
22. Hey, ARod. I promise I didn't start my rant with a Rounders reference considering you were meeting with MLB about your coke/ cash/ high stakes poker game. Want an Oreo, ARod? I won't "tell."
23. See? Wimbledon has it going on. They seed according to "grass court results" and, in my opinion, however the hell the feel about the seedings. US Open (I just realized that I am calling out a tournament and not a person or group of persons-anyway), you gave Serena a 28th seeding? Were you all at ARod's poker game, too?
24. I only care about the National League right now in baseball, but Pedroia is back for the Red Sox...just saying. Talk about the opposite of a CIANAS. Yay, I used my new word/ acronym in a sentence.
25. The "U" had 15 athletes involved? That is like the North Carolina illegally parking and THEN doing bad stuff. Sorry, I am not giving links in my last few takes...kind of on a roll. Trust me. That last joke was kind of funny.
26. Justin Combs just got a scholarship offer to UCLA. If they continue to suck, if Rick gets fired, and if their penalized arch rival keeps kicking their ass in recruiting, then he can sing one of his Daddy's songs. http://www.lyricskeeper.com/p_diddy-lyrics/22489-lonely-lyrics.htm
27. Justin Verlander. Cruise Control. Maybe he reads my rants about me starting an organization with him last time. He just got his 19th. We are not in September yet. No Denny McLain, but still...
28. Jim Thome gets his 600th home run and then gets put on waivers. That just seems...well...wrong to me.
29. Tweets are beating the normal news on a regular basis. Expanding on the Irsay story, we got told this week that Jimmy Rollins was being put on the DL way before the Phillies even announced it. Pretty soon, when there is a fumble mob in an NFL game, we are going to be tweeted who has the ball.
30. Matt Holliday had a moth enter his ear and had to leave the game. I had good jokes for this one, but they needed to be playing the Yankees (think George-Seinfeld-Raincoat episode). They were playing the Dodgers. Damn.
31. Fantasy football is starting pretty soon and I will play one league. I like it, and it is ok funwise. My problem is the problem. When I go to watch games, I want to shoot myself if I end up sitting next to THAT guy You know. The guy who doesn't even know the score if you asked, and is yelling at the TV about how the QB has to throw it to his slot receiver on that play because he gets extra points for the situation and then looks at the other TV where HIS Saints are playing and he is rooting for a running play by Mark Ingram, even though it is 3rd and 9, because he is the additional player because his running backs are so good and he is playing against Adrian Peterson and...you get the idea. I PURPOSELY left out the commas. I pick a team and hope for the best. The only player I have from my own team is the defense. BECAUSE. You are ALWAYS rooting for the defense. Just go RB, RB, QB, WR, and call it a day.
32. Poor Giants. They lose TWO CB's in a week? With this short of training camp, and this little preparation, that is huge. The two sawed in two Harold Carmichaels (listen, you have to read this regularly to get all of the jokes) are licking their chops. Unlike Sharapova (last rant), you don't have to send me the tape of them actually doing that.
33. Haynesworth pleads to something he did. Hardy har har. I have nothing on this. It is just fun to mention either Albert Haynesworth or Ron Artest in all of my rants. They just put a smile on my face.
34. The Diamondbacks are sliding. Wow. I never saw THAT coming. One frontline pitcher and no bats, and they are sliding? I think I might have to go split the atom before take 35.
35. OK. I didn't succeed in splitting the atom. Let's get back to it. I LOVE the "most interesting man in the world" commercials. But. Did the inventors of that idea get rich and go on a bender? They have kind of tapered off, kind of like the unimaginative end of just killing everyone in The Departed. Put me in coach. I have LOTS of ideas. We can amp that up right now. While I am at it, let's get the Cuervo guy to stop making innuendos about how I should dress mature to drink their tequila. My sandals, shorts, and backwards hat would welcome a shot-no pun intended (i just laughed out loud). Patron? Need anyone?
36. I wanted to do a take on the whole Cy-Hawk trophy, but I can't get past the fact that it is the dumbest name for a trophy ever.
37. I follow sports, and it kind of made sense once I figured it out, but I am admitting I still had to look it up. Bruce Pearl's "show-cause" penalty. To save you some Google time, it means that penalties are laid down, and the incoming coaches are not under any watchful eye. Good. Fair. More importantly, if a school wants to hire Pearl, they have to explain, for the next 3 years, why they want him as coach. Basically, it is a book report by the school for a guy who turned a football school into one who actually cared about basketball (besides the ladies) for a few years.
38. "The Warrior" is coming out. I am not sure if a similar movie was already made, but it was made by the same guy who did "The Miracle," I have boxed my entire life, and they dared in a preview to say it "was better than "The Fighter."" (saw it twice in the theater) I am coming to the theater. You better not be playing me. By the way, it is about two brothers who end up fighting for the boxing championship. Sounds cheesy, and very fancy. I'm in.
39. What's my limit? 40? Guess we better shut it down. Sorry, Chris Johnson, I will cover you when something is actually resolved. Taint? Whatever. You are a hooker. Thanks for the rant idea, not letting me sneak one past the goalie, and stay in the Ranch.
**I reported something live last week about Tim Tebow being announced as the #3 QB. That apparently has NOT been announced. I apologize, and realize that is why I don't normally trust 3rd party information. It will probably end up being correct, but I don't like reporting bad info. I will go back to leaning on me and me only.
39a. But, since we mentioned the #2 QB from the Broncos...(I got lots of feedback from Broncos fans about my 2nd team thing. Listen. I could live here for another 14 years and will continue to root against you, root for my Steelers, and not have a 2nd team). NOW I'm done. Peace. Talk to you Saturday.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
082011-Balance, Danielson
Read it, don't read it, I don't care...just need to get some things off my chest.
In no particular order of chronology or importance...
1. Homage to my Mr. Miyagi (just got stuck the end of Karate Kid again-damn. How many nice afternoons has THAT movie ruined for me?). Another Bill Simmons mailbag is out. Read mine first please, but make a note to self to check it out. http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/6877553/attack-mailbag Laugh out loud funny stuff...As Jerry would say, "Oh, he's the best. This guy's the best."
2. In a "nice try at an Elway retirement," UConn's AD retired this week. Sure, he wasn't exactly playing. Sure, he wasn't exactly even coaching, but I guess you could still say he kind of still went out on top, aye?
3. This week, Michael Vick has enlightened the public that Philly wasn't his first choice after getting out of prison. Uhhhh. Thanks, Michael, for that life changing information. I can now sleep better now knowing that a dog killer with a Stegasaurus sized brain who coincidentally is one of the most athletic people in the freaking world went to a team that wasn't his first choice. I. Don't. Care.
4. Speaking of freak athletes who are not the brightest bulbs on the tree, Terrelle Pryor had his pro day this weekend. He ran a 4.4, pretty much taking that event against all QB's in the world except for the idiot in the previous take, who cruises a nice 4.3 at last timing-not sure if the recorded time was pre or post prison. So, we know he is fast. His body is prototype for his position. So, we know he is built for it. His accuracy is a main point of concern, and it is reported that was pretty much the same today, although he had just gotten receivers together pretty much the day before. So, we know he is not a great thrower. That seems to be pretty important to me...just saying I mean, Dikembe Mutumbo might have been the NBA's leading scorer of all time. Oh, that's right, he can't shoot. We already know his mental acumen after his golf course and selling rings escapades. Somebody WILL pick him up, but I wouldn't. Or, I would, and have him return kicks or something less controlling and more physical. By the way, here is my conspiracy about this whole thing which actually makes him GAIN a few points of respect in a way. Here goes. People were worried about his accuracy, so he PURPOSELY waits to pick up receivers for the Pro Day AND until the final second and then tells the media SO he has an excuse. Brilliant. Terrelle also graciously accepted his 5 game ban. I guess he figured A) he wouldn't play anyway in those games on any team who picks him up and B) he was already mentally ready to serve those games at OSU anyway. I won't get into it, but Roger Goodell is wrong on this one. You can be the badass of YOUR league and you have successfully cleaned up the NFL, but once you say he can be a pro, technically he has a clean slate. Leave it alone. I had a lot of capitalized words in that take. At least they are not exclamation points. Myra had the baby.
5. Props to the place I am writing this at. http://www.pubonpenn.com/home/ Props to my fellow blogger who writes great movie reviews http://rockiesmovies.blogspot.com/
6. Shane Victorino appealed his brawl suspension and it got reduced. Has a major leaguer ever appealed a suspension and lost? Seriously.
7. Brett Favre is still making the wire. He is tutoring Colt McCoy. Not to look too far ahead, but I wonder in 15 years how long Colt is going to take to retire?
8. Earlier this week, I accidentally got stuck in a time machine. I dreamed that I was watching a commercial for a movie called Shark Night 2D/ 3D that looked straight out of 1985 and HORRIBLE. I went outside my apartment looking for the DeLorean. Hold on, people. Someone is talking to me. What's that? Really? There really IS a movie coming out like that? Wow. That is just sad. All we need now is Samuel Jackson with some down time and some snakes figuring out another way onto an aircraft. Moving on.
9. Eli Manning has announced he is in Brady's class at QB. I am holding off on a take on this. I am still waiting for a Fox story to report that Eli Manning was busted for tripping on acid earlier this week.
10. Check this out. In our "inbounds play in basketball by throwing the ball against someone's back" take of the week, here is an old schoolyard treat. http://www.businessinsider.com/david-wright-highlight-2011-8
11. Not the big name we were silently, subconsciously hoping for...Mike Jacobs. Good ole' Mike evidently still thinks we are in the roid era for baseball. He is the first North American athlete to get 50 games for HGH. Don't bother looking him up. I live in Denver and have to read shit about the Rockies all the time...and I even had to look him up. He sucks. You got busted AND the shit ain't working. That is almost as bad as Tiger sleeping with Perkins waitresses AND sucking at golf.
12. HOW IRONIC? Awesome. I was hoping the Kobe talks with Chinese teams would cease, but I never saw how it actually did end coming. CHINA stopped them. I don't care who did it. All's well that ends well. And Kobe ain't going anywhere, people. He will just make the wire by making "surprise visits" at summer league games.
13. Funny how life works. The United States busts its ass to try and get into space first, and then we shut down the shuttle program with intentions of catching a ride with the Russians on future trips? People, that is the take. I don't even know if I stated it right. I only get limited info at commercials between SportsCenter. Let's get back to what I know.
14. OK. I didn't come clean on that one. I don't want to ever lie to my readers. I actually didn't learn about the shuttle during a commercial from SportsCenter. I learned about it because astronauts were on one of my favorite shows...The Colbert Report. That show is SO off the hook. I am just plain confused if you don't love that show. It is absolutely brilliant.
15. OSI! OSI! That is my written version of a cheer. Anyway, my good man Osi had to have knee surgery this week. Maybe THAT is one of the reasons the public doesn't know of why they won't pay your ass more money.
16. With this whole awareness to concussions in the NFL, can you imagine how giddy you must feel if you are a down and out ex-NFL player who it is on record has had a concussion? You are one happy camper and just jumping on the "sue the NFL" bus.
17. Really, Mr. Suh? You get a 20k fine for a hit in PRESEASON?
18. Best wishes to Jeremy Maclin, who was cleared this week to play again. Bro, I am glad it was nothing serious. Sorry I made the Harold Carmichael joke while things were still in doubt. You ARE short, and this IS just a rant. If anything, Harold should be mad about me talking about him being sawed in half.
19. Danica Patrick is the active version of Brett Favre. I hear she is debating on moving full time to NASCAR next season. Make up your freaking mind. I heard on ESPN News this morning that she was doing her first stock car road race today. You are smoking hot, but now irritating me. Either pick a form of car to race, or stop telling the media about each "almost" decision.
20. Yes, people, I am aware the font changed in the middle of this rant. I was trying to copy and paste "Ndamukong" in take 17 and haven't figured out how to change it. Just go with it.
21. In my "how cool is Dr. Dre" take, here is the lyric that made me laugh this week. "You look like A.C. Green, bitch. Don't call me no more."
22. Since we are all excited that football is back, I have decided to do an entire Preseason take on who looks good, and who doesn't...hmmm...just kidding. Totally. That would be like me owning a cat because I want a pet and my apartment complex doesn't accept dogs. I have spent my entire life making fun of single dudes with cats. It would be hypocritical. My buddy DJ is the exception. You are cool and break the trend.
23. KC WR Jonathan Baldwin will be out the rest of the preseason with a wrist injury when he tried to fight Thomas Jones. Thomas Jones is a UVA guy, #5 overall pick back in the day when people took good running backs in the top ten (that has SO changed), and is a workout freak. Jonathan. Pick another dude. That would like me picking a fight with Shannon Sharpe on the street. NOT a good idea.
24. I HATE when I watch SportsCenter and they tell me that someone has the 2nd most yards of all time in a game, the 2nd most completions for a team during a game, etc. I hate it because 95% of the time, they NEVER tell me who is 1st. Then I have to log on my wireless and look it up. Maybe I am the only person who does this, but you can understand how it would irritate me AND lose me a lot of very valuable time in my life (that was sarcastic). And yes, I have a smart phone for work. I seem to still just use it for work. My Android, after 8 months, is still extremely overwhelming to me. Dumb guy using a very smart device.
25. Hold the phone. Folks, we have a LIVE update (well, at least from the writing perspective) from one of the people in this establishment that makes me SO excited. Apparently, it is being reported that Tim Tebow will be 3rd string. Not only am I happy that Brady Quinn will be 2nd string and that my closing line to this rant might become more popular when Horton gets hurt and Quinn starts and they bring back the EAS commercials, BUT I am also elated that my confusing hate towards Tebow is satisfied. He will be the most beloved 3rd string QB in the world, because there are a hell of a lot more people on the sidelines to spend 5 or 20 minutes with (sorry, that joke never gets old to me). That take was MUCH more fun than my planned take on the bounty on Tebow in a game in college. As much as I am entertained by quality bounty talk (I really am. Aren't you trying to hit the guy anyway? You need a contest to motivate you?), this was better.
26. I think that my only comeback if one of those German fans who were throwing feces at a soccer game this week hit me with a load would be "Oh yeah? You must be telling our team that we are worth a shit!" That is all I got on that one.
27. The Georgetown/ Chinese pro team brawl was surreal. Watching the highlights was ok, but I kept watching the story because they kept explaining why Georgetown was over there in the first place. They made the trip to "promote good will." Awesome.
28. Sports is funny. The other day, I just got done reading a fantastic Sporting News article on Jordan Jefferson from LSU. I walked away with a fuzzy feeling for the program and his leadership. Then, the next day, there were "rumors" he was in a bar fight. Nice work, Jordan.
29. Damn. Serena is fighting injuries again, and Clijsters just pulled out of the US Open? Sharapova is licking her chops. And by the way, if you actually get video of her licking her chops, send that over, won't you? Sounds fancy. Hey, I'm a dude.
30. I am confused. On my way home from work, a radio station still has one of those contests where they play a song and you have to guess the year. Without even busting on people calling into these things (Chandler/ White Men Can't Jump take of the rant), how are they getting the year wrong? I am not saying everyone has a smart phone. I am saying I find it hard to believe that these people don't even KNOW anyone with a smart phone.
31. Albert Haynesworth was on the wire for something. I would love to report it, but I didn't open the article. Haynesworth stories and me are old hat-lost the magic.
32. Just in case you thought the Roger Clemens thing was over, they are trying to get it retried. I can't WAIT to read more about that. Yay.
33. I always read things in the bathrooms at places and debate two things. One, it is true that I carry around around a PEN and paper (how the hell do you think I do 30 plus takes every 3 days?), but who walks around with sharpies? I know chicks could have them in their purse and don't, of course, know what their bathrooms look like, but dudes packing one? Two, if you write something on a wall in a bathroom, you must really have something you want to tell people and are picking an odd setting for its publication. I will read something, and think to myself, you took 2 minutes to write THAT?
34. Not sure if they are still in at press time, but it is SO cool a local Pennsylvania team is in the Little League World Series. Keystone. Good luck, lads. Fancy shit.
35. I will actually say that I think that Fox did something smart. They apparently signed a 7 year deal to show UFC. I think they are probably about 7 years behind the ball on this, but anything is better than anything non-cartoon or football on that network.
36. The coolest thing happened to me the other day. In my continuing interest of what happens to things in my cargo shorts (referring to my IPod take a couple rants ago), I had a chapstick and a freshly bought book of stamps in there. An hour later, two stamps were perfectly wrapped around the chapstick, facing out. Seriously, think about it, it makes more sense that they would be haphazardly stuck to it or crumpled up. People have asked me why I purposely pasted two stamps on my chapstick, and my answer seems to be slightly irritating to them.
37. I am at 37 takes. I have to shut it down for the benefit of your attention span. Plus, what's worse, is that they just turned the sound on the Broncos glorified practice. However, I heard a debate on college football's championship deciding format the other day. I wanted to pretend like I was on that Bud Light commercial and run into the TV. I have a plan, and am a firm believer in a version of the playoff format. I will get into that this week on my next rant.
38. As always, thanks to Taint for beginning the snowball of what is now "The Rant." You are a hooker, but SO glad I started writing these. I guess you DO have a redeeming quality. In honor of my EAS boy getting the #2 QB position in Denver, NOW I'm done. Peace...
In no particular order of chronology or importance...
1. Homage to my Mr. Miyagi (just got stuck the end of Karate Kid again-damn. How many nice afternoons has THAT movie ruined for me?). Another Bill Simmons mailbag is out. Read mine first please, but make a note to self to check it out. http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/6877553/attack-mailbag Laugh out loud funny stuff...As Jerry would say, "Oh, he's the best. This guy's the best."
2. In a "nice try at an Elway retirement," UConn's AD retired this week. Sure, he wasn't exactly playing. Sure, he wasn't exactly even coaching, but I guess you could still say he kind of still went out on top, aye?
3. This week, Michael Vick has enlightened the public that Philly wasn't his first choice after getting out of prison. Uhhhh. Thanks, Michael, for that life changing information. I can now sleep better now knowing that a dog killer with a Stegasaurus sized brain who coincidentally is one of the most athletic people in the freaking world went to a team that wasn't his first choice. I. Don't. Care.
4. Speaking of freak athletes who are not the brightest bulbs on the tree, Terrelle Pryor had his pro day this weekend. He ran a 4.4, pretty much taking that event against all QB's in the world except for the idiot in the previous take, who cruises a nice 4.3 at last timing-not sure if the recorded time was pre or post prison. So, we know he is fast. His body is prototype for his position. So, we know he is built for it. His accuracy is a main point of concern, and it is reported that was pretty much the same today, although he had just gotten receivers together pretty much the day before. So, we know he is not a great thrower. That seems to be pretty important to me...just saying I mean, Dikembe Mutumbo might have been the NBA's leading scorer of all time. Oh, that's right, he can't shoot. We already know his mental acumen after his golf course and selling rings escapades. Somebody WILL pick him up, but I wouldn't. Or, I would, and have him return kicks or something less controlling and more physical. By the way, here is my conspiracy about this whole thing which actually makes him GAIN a few points of respect in a way. Here goes. People were worried about his accuracy, so he PURPOSELY waits to pick up receivers for the Pro Day AND until the final second and then tells the media SO he has an excuse. Brilliant. Terrelle also graciously accepted his 5 game ban. I guess he figured A) he wouldn't play anyway in those games on any team who picks him up and B) he was already mentally ready to serve those games at OSU anyway. I won't get into it, but Roger Goodell is wrong on this one. You can be the badass of YOUR league and you have successfully cleaned up the NFL, but once you say he can be a pro, technically he has a clean slate. Leave it alone. I had a lot of capitalized words in that take. At least they are not exclamation points. Myra had the baby.
5. Props to the place I am writing this at. http://www.pubonpenn.com/home/ Props to my fellow blogger who writes great movie reviews http://rockiesmovies.blogspot.com/
6. Shane Victorino appealed his brawl suspension and it got reduced. Has a major leaguer ever appealed a suspension and lost? Seriously.
7. Brett Favre is still making the wire. He is tutoring Colt McCoy. Not to look too far ahead, but I wonder in 15 years how long Colt is going to take to retire?
8. Earlier this week, I accidentally got stuck in a time machine. I dreamed that I was watching a commercial for a movie called Shark Night 2D/ 3D that looked straight out of 1985 and HORRIBLE. I went outside my apartment looking for the DeLorean. Hold on, people. Someone is talking to me. What's that? Really? There really IS a movie coming out like that? Wow. That is just sad. All we need now is Samuel Jackson with some down time and some snakes figuring out another way onto an aircraft. Moving on.
9. Eli Manning has announced he is in Brady's class at QB. I am holding off on a take on this. I am still waiting for a Fox story to report that Eli Manning was busted for tripping on acid earlier this week.
10. Check this out. In our "inbounds play in basketball by throwing the ball against someone's back" take of the week, here is an old schoolyard treat. http://www.businessinsider.com/david-wright-highlight-2011-8
11. Not the big name we were silently, subconsciously hoping for...Mike Jacobs. Good ole' Mike evidently still thinks we are in the roid era for baseball. He is the first North American athlete to get 50 games for HGH. Don't bother looking him up. I live in Denver and have to read shit about the Rockies all the time...and I even had to look him up. He sucks. You got busted AND the shit ain't working. That is almost as bad as Tiger sleeping with Perkins waitresses AND sucking at golf.
12. HOW IRONIC? Awesome. I was hoping the Kobe talks with Chinese teams would cease, but I never saw how it actually did end coming. CHINA stopped them. I don't care who did it. All's well that ends well. And Kobe ain't going anywhere, people. He will just make the wire by making "surprise visits" at summer league games.
13. Funny how life works. The United States busts its ass to try and get into space first, and then we shut down the shuttle program with intentions of catching a ride with the Russians on future trips? People, that is the take. I don't even know if I stated it right. I only get limited info at commercials between SportsCenter. Let's get back to what I know.
14. OK. I didn't come clean on that one. I don't want to ever lie to my readers. I actually didn't learn about the shuttle during a commercial from SportsCenter. I learned about it because astronauts were on one of my favorite shows...The Colbert Report. That show is SO off the hook. I am just plain confused if you don't love that show. It is absolutely brilliant.
15. OSI! OSI! That is my written version of a cheer. Anyway, my good man Osi had to have knee surgery this week. Maybe THAT is one of the reasons the public doesn't know of why they won't pay your ass more money.
16. With this whole awareness to concussions in the NFL, can you imagine how giddy you must feel if you are a down and out ex-NFL player who it is on record has had a concussion? You are one happy camper and just jumping on the "sue the NFL" bus.
17. Really, Mr. Suh? You get a 20k fine for a hit in PRESEASON?
18. Best wishes to Jeremy Maclin, who was cleared this week to play again. Bro, I am glad it was nothing serious. Sorry I made the Harold Carmichael joke while things were still in doubt. You ARE short, and this IS just a rant. If anything, Harold should be mad about me talking about him being sawed in half.
19. Danica Patrick is the active version of Brett Favre. I hear she is debating on moving full time to NASCAR next season. Make up your freaking mind. I heard on ESPN News this morning that she was doing her first stock car road race today. You are smoking hot, but now irritating me. Either pick a form of car to race, or stop telling the media about each "almost" decision.
20. Yes, people, I am aware the font changed in the middle of this rant. I was trying to copy and paste "Ndamukong" in take 17 and haven't figured out how to change it. Just go with it.
21. In my "how cool is Dr. Dre" take, here is the lyric that made me laugh this week. "You look like A.C. Green, bitch. Don't call me no more."
22. Since we are all excited that football is back, I have decided to do an entire Preseason take on who looks good, and who doesn't...hmmm...just kidding. Totally. That would be like me owning a cat because I want a pet and my apartment complex doesn't accept dogs. I have spent my entire life making fun of single dudes with cats. It would be hypocritical. My buddy DJ is the exception. You are cool and break the trend.
23. KC WR Jonathan Baldwin will be out the rest of the preseason with a wrist injury when he tried to fight Thomas Jones. Thomas Jones is a UVA guy, #5 overall pick back in the day when people took good running backs in the top ten (that has SO changed), and is a workout freak. Jonathan. Pick another dude. That would like me picking a fight with Shannon Sharpe on the street. NOT a good idea.
24. I HATE when I watch SportsCenter and they tell me that someone has the 2nd most yards of all time in a game, the 2nd most completions for a team during a game, etc. I hate it because 95% of the time, they NEVER tell me who is 1st. Then I have to log on my wireless and look it up. Maybe I am the only person who does this, but you can understand how it would irritate me AND lose me a lot of very valuable time in my life (that was sarcastic). And yes, I have a smart phone for work. I seem to still just use it for work. My Android, after 8 months, is still extremely overwhelming to me. Dumb guy using a very smart device.
25. Hold the phone. Folks, we have a LIVE update (well, at least from the writing perspective) from one of the people in this establishment that makes me SO excited. Apparently, it is being reported that Tim Tebow will be 3rd string. Not only am I happy that Brady Quinn will be 2nd string and that my closing line to this rant might become more popular when Horton gets hurt and Quinn starts and they bring back the EAS commercials, BUT I am also elated that my confusing hate towards Tebow is satisfied. He will be the most beloved 3rd string QB in the world, because there are a hell of a lot more people on the sidelines to spend 5 or 20 minutes with (sorry, that joke never gets old to me). That take was MUCH more fun than my planned take on the bounty on Tebow in a game in college. As much as I am entertained by quality bounty talk (I really am. Aren't you trying to hit the guy anyway? You need a contest to motivate you?), this was better.
26. I think that my only comeback if one of those German fans who were throwing feces at a soccer game this week hit me with a load would be "Oh yeah? You must be telling our team that we are worth a shit!" That is all I got on that one.
27. The Georgetown/ Chinese pro team brawl was surreal. Watching the highlights was ok, but I kept watching the story because they kept explaining why Georgetown was over there in the first place. They made the trip to "promote good will." Awesome.
28. Sports is funny. The other day, I just got done reading a fantastic Sporting News article on Jordan Jefferson from LSU. I walked away with a fuzzy feeling for the program and his leadership. Then, the next day, there were "rumors" he was in a bar fight. Nice work, Jordan.
29. Damn. Serena is fighting injuries again, and Clijsters just pulled out of the US Open? Sharapova is licking her chops. And by the way, if you actually get video of her licking her chops, send that over, won't you? Sounds fancy. Hey, I'm a dude.
30. I am confused. On my way home from work, a radio station still has one of those contests where they play a song and you have to guess the year. Without even busting on people calling into these things (Chandler/ White Men Can't Jump take of the rant), how are they getting the year wrong? I am not saying everyone has a smart phone. I am saying I find it hard to believe that these people don't even KNOW anyone with a smart phone.
31. Albert Haynesworth was on the wire for something. I would love to report it, but I didn't open the article. Haynesworth stories and me are old hat-lost the magic.
32. Just in case you thought the Roger Clemens thing was over, they are trying to get it retried. I can't WAIT to read more about that. Yay.
33. I always read things in the bathrooms at places and debate two things. One, it is true that I carry around around a PEN and paper (how the hell do you think I do 30 plus takes every 3 days?), but who walks around with sharpies? I know chicks could have them in their purse and don't, of course, know what their bathrooms look like, but dudes packing one? Two, if you write something on a wall in a bathroom, you must really have something you want to tell people and are picking an odd setting for its publication. I will read something, and think to myself, you took 2 minutes to write THAT?
34. Not sure if they are still in at press time, but it is SO cool a local Pennsylvania team is in the Little League World Series. Keystone. Good luck, lads. Fancy shit.
35. I will actually say that I think that Fox did something smart. They apparently signed a 7 year deal to show UFC. I think they are probably about 7 years behind the ball on this, but anything is better than anything non-cartoon or football on that network.
36. The coolest thing happened to me the other day. In my continuing interest of what happens to things in my cargo shorts (referring to my IPod take a couple rants ago), I had a chapstick and a freshly bought book of stamps in there. An hour later, two stamps were perfectly wrapped around the chapstick, facing out. Seriously, think about it, it makes more sense that they would be haphazardly stuck to it or crumpled up. People have asked me why I purposely pasted two stamps on my chapstick, and my answer seems to be slightly irritating to them.
37. I am at 37 takes. I have to shut it down for the benefit of your attention span. Plus, what's worse, is that they just turned the sound on the Broncos glorified practice. However, I heard a debate on college football's championship deciding format the other day. I wanted to pretend like I was on that Bud Light commercial and run into the TV. I have a plan, and am a firm believer in a version of the playoff format. I will get into that this week on my next rant.
38. As always, thanks to Taint for beginning the snowball of what is now "The Rant." You are a hooker, but SO glad I started writing these. I guess you DO have a redeeming quality. In honor of my EAS boy getting the #2 QB position in Denver, NOW I'm done. Peace...
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
081411-Gone in 60 Seconds...
Read it, don't read it, I don't care...just need to get some things off my chest.
In no particular order of chronology or importance...
(less links in this one-written mostly on a plane)
1. Shout out for my fellow beginning blogger before I lay it down like Ratt in 1986...need a movie review? http://rockiesmovies.blogspot.com/2011/08/top-5-movies-in-first-half-of-2011.html
2. Keegan Bradley “wins” the PGA Championship. First thing, last 13 majors? 13 different winners. Crazy shit. Tiger might be out of the mix, but no one has exactly come anywhere close to separated themselves from the others. Someone step up to the mic. Jay-Z just got off there with a full house, and now people want someone to throw down. Not taking anything away from Bradley, but Jason… Dude, you were not exactly being chased down by Phil Mickelson, Lee Westwood, or Padraig Harrington. It was Keegan. Jason, you were nails all day, and then get sucker punched by Buster Douglas. Luckily, the biggest breakdown will always be that magnificent British Open I am so glad I watched live back in the day, but you will be remembered nevertheless.
3. LSU-Oregon. Lots on my radar with football starting, but this has my attention for the moment. Interesting game. Oregon fell short and has everyone coming back. Offensive weapons galore and one year wiser. LSU has a new QB, has underachieved for the last 5 years, but has everyone else back, along with another sick recruiting class. If I hypothetically bet still, I would bet the house on LSU. Oregon, you might have another chance, but you are playing an SEC team in a state pretty close to SEC country, and I think you had your shot last year. I also don’t think you will hit stride until about 3 games in, and starting the season against the speed of the SEC just sounds like a recipe for confusion if you ask me. For all of their bad ass recruiting classes, I feel like it is somewhat a pattern that LSU has a question mark at QB. Probably could go into some hybrid of a JaMarcus Russell joke, but I will come back if I have time-lot to get to... By the way, speaking of crazy names, if Oregon ever recruits a guy named Mike Jones or John Smith, will you let me know? They always get guys names named Jazquizz, Lavasier, La Micheal, Bo, or Carson.
4. Serena…damn, girl. Take it easy on these people. Your comeback is the polar opposite of Tiger’s. Course you stayed out of Perkins late night and I guess can’t really fire your sister, but still. You are WRECKING people. Serena of course won’t get close to Steffi as far as titles, but she is certainly looking to give one more run at supremacy against her present day field. Hey, Steffi, if you are reading this, I am your biggest fan and no one will touch your record for a LONG time. You will be able to make fun of your hubby for a lot of years. Actually, you will be able to make fun of him whether someone gets your record or not I suppose as titles for you and him won’t really change, aye?
5. Verlander just won his 18th. Sure, if I had to pick a starting pitcher to start a GAME right now, I would take Halladay, but if I had to pick a starting pitcher to start a TEAM right now for the next 7 or 8 years, damn straight I am picking Verlander up.
6. I have watched Kendrick Perkins play for years. Every time I watch him, I think to myself, there is NO WAY he isn't a problem at a club when he is drunk. He seems SO angry, has foul problems, and is not exactly a tiny dude. Well, he went out the other night, folks… YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! http://blog.newsok.com/jennicarlson/2011/08/14/kendrick-perkins-altar-boy-no-more/
7. Combo sky is blue take…I got a lot to cover as I was traveling for work this week. Here you go. The sky is blue, the grass is green, and Barry Zito got hurt this week in a AAA (hmmm…AAA is sounded as a consonant start, even though my grammar check tells me to put an “an.” Crazy guy. I am living on the edge and keeping the “a.”) start, Freddy Adu switched teams, and Justin Morneau got back from the disabled list.
8. I was not surprised to hear about Mike Gundy firing a person for showing up in an OU shirt. You know it is a hurting economy and that worker definitely had to try and keep that job. Otherwise, you know he was brewing this back in retaliation. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RjF93E4LjlA
9. I watched Dennis Rodman's induction and I thought of a couple things. First, Chris Mullin is one of the “best boring players” in the history of the NBA that I would beg to be on my fantasy team. I would take Mullin as my shooter on any team. Anyway, the most boring pure shooter in the history of the NBA goes in with the guy with earrings, other piercings, a crazy outfit, as he cries. Sounds perfect to me. Some may have a problem with Rodman getting in. I don’t. Without getting into how Russell and Wilt were averaging over 20 rebounds a game lots of times during their career, I will just say this. I made his mark, changed the game, overachieved his height and skills, and won 5 rings with two different teams. He made the rebound cool, he made it popular, and he changed how games were decided with the help of it. Listen, on both the Pistons and the Bulls, his game was brought into the perfect storm. Granted. However, and Randy Moss and Terrell Owens take note, he was thrown in, had no significant locker room problems, did his thing, and came out with rings. He was the crazy guy to the media who merged in the locker room the way he needed to for championships. Solid.
10. Let's talk about arguably the most prolific offense of all time in basketball. They won 91-93 and 96-98...ohh and then two three peats with Phil. Hank Winters and the Triangle. It is fading out with some of the new school coaches. Amazing that an offense that is designed perfectly and then wins 12 championships could be phased out so quickly after the championships…Sure, you need the players and coaches for it, but there is no way I am totally tossing that offense to the side of the road.
11 How can I build on this? I can't: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RjF93E4LjlA
12. Wisconsin has been good for years. Stop. Real Quick. Name one QB from Wisconsin in the last 15 years? You can't do it? Russell Wilson, people, is their new one. Slinger. Ex-NC State QB who was also drafted by the Rockies as a pitcher. Watching Wisconsin play is sometimes like watching those pennies being pushed over in that stupid, stupid game at Dave and Busters, but I have a feeling the offense coordinator is feeling a little giddy these days with that gun behind the line. We can try WHAT on offense? Let’s sub that for “run slightly to the right #36 behind our HUGE offensive line.”
13. Tiger Woods…ahhh…never mind. Being a bad human being and a great golfer is passable, but sucking at both suddenly makes you…moving on.
14. GREAT pickup, Ravens. You are my team’s arch enemy. BUT, Lee Evans? Where the heck did THAT come from? Ditching a possession receiver and tight end for a speedster on the side? Listen, if that is what you are trying to do, then it is all good. Just saying. Maybe a quick offseason with the career overachieving Joe Flacco will have a positive effect on the career underachieving wide receiver. May the force be with you.
15. Ken Griffey and Jim Thome. You are class acts and baseball giants who got less notoriety for your mammoth accomplishments because of a list of roided knuckleheads. Thome just recently became the eighth person to hit more than 600 homers. Thanks for joining them, Jim. The club now totals 5 clean totals, and 3 totals with an asterisk. Side note, I wonder which is less. The notoriety I gave this past week’s NASCAR race (damn, I just did by mentioning it) or the notoriety the masses gave Jim Thome for that accomplishment. Congrats, man. Class act.
16. I wouldn’t have messed with it either, SEC. You have easily the best conference in the country in college football, and you think about adding a few teams with FSU, Clemson, and A&M. Sure, those teams are on the up and up. You were kind of thinking about making a superconference, aye? I am glad you didn’t. In this case, if it ain’t broke, don’t try and fix it. Maybe years down the road you might need to tinker, but not now. Plus, Clemson’s recruiting is kind of getting too much run from the revitalized South Carolina team, let’s make sure FSU hasn’t been cheating on this scary recruiting run, and A&M is just showing life for the first time in a long time. Wait this one out.
17. Dan Uggla finished his streak at 33 games. So close, dude. You only had 23 games left, or basically 2/3 of the amount left that got you headlines in the first place. What a ridiculous record that is by Joe. He has that for the rest of his life, and just in case that is not enough, we know he was at one time doin’ arguably the hottest chick of his generation. Dude. Good life.
18. College Top 25. Full breakdown coming. For now, just a few comments. Over-ranked…Stanford (too much on Luck and no Harbaugh to drive those smart kids into wanting to hit someone), and Oklahoma State-why do we ALWAYS over-rank them…Under-ranked…Wisconsin-Wilson will CHANGE that team. South Carolina-one of the greatest offensive minds of our generation, with a receiver that is sick, a running back that everyone is angry at not getting, and a QB who is always in trouble, but can still sling it.
19. I knew he was a bright lad, but just caught wind that Larry Fitzgerald snuck in his contract that Arizona can’t lay the Franchise Tag on him. No WONDER he smiles like he does. He can see the light at the end of the tunnel to get out of there. He can give Mr. Kolb a year to see if he is the real deal, and then exit stage left if not.
20. After watching him before his injury last year, I am kind of confused how Denard Robinson isn’t getting more Heisman pub. Before handing the thing to Andrew Luck or any of those guys from Oregon, go back and watch some of his highlights again. Some sick stuff. He was pretty much doing what Cam Newton was doing, just on a shittier team and then got injured.
21. Christy Martin is still around?? Holy smokes. I just read a blurb about her having a fight stopped because she was still boxing with a broken hand and winning the fight. Shit yeah, Christy. That is totally badass. I only opened the article because I was making sure it was you. All the power to you, and continue to rock on…Public space, and the incognito winner of the Chandler Award this week. Basically, it is too easy, too many jokes, but I can’t write them here.
22. You know I don’t care about preseason results. Just saying, I am still saying Mark Ingram over there in N.O. is going to be pretty freaking good. I am not exactly splitting the atom as he did win the Heisman, but then it seems people kind of forgot about him. Don’t.
23. The Detroit Lions. I don’t know WHY I watch what they are doing with their team, but I do. Just saying. Give them a few years. They are on the right path. Good drafting, good trades, good pickups, good contracts, and I like most of the personnel they have meshed together pretty recently. And no. That is NOT my second favorite team nor do I have one. Screw that. No second team. That is random analysis on a team that caught my eye.
24. I am so glad Eddie George is chiming in on the Chris Johnson situation. I don’t know. Class act maybe and I don’t dislike the guy, but I might listen a little more if his career average wasn’t 3.2 ( it is actually 3.64, but it FELT like 3.2) a rush and if he had been doing that for several years of getting overpaid. You know the thing I remember most about Eddie George. He was on that ridiculous Ohio State with THREE Heisman candidates-1995. Three, well, at least for the first 2/3 of the season. And yes, I believe they did lose to Michigan and I know they didn’t win the championship. The other two players? Bobby Hoying and Terry Glenn.
25. I had said Miami and FSU were almost back….then the story of Miami gift claims. Hold the phone. Maybe there is a definitive reason one of them made it back.
26. Lytie in UFC ends career with a win. How the hell do we know that? Are you telling me fighters don’t come back? Are you telling me they don’t have their own versions of Brett Favre? Ok. Maybe he IS that sports version of John Elway, but you better make it a bigger story than the first one if he decides to come back and loses.
27. Osi will practice. Osi complains. Osi sits out. Osi will practice. AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Osi, you are giving me a Giant headache.
28. See what I mean about these damn waiver wire deals? The trade deadline goes by and the Twins quietly gave the Tigers Delmon Young. That is just sneaky. That is like Lee Evans being picked up by the Ravens, except that it makes actual sense to me. Solid.
29. The police surround and get the ex Notre Dame Defensive Coordinator. He was running the Tampa Cover 2, but…nevermind, I got nothing on this one. Well, nothing that comes fully together…
30. Obama greets the Packers, and the Packers LB evidently did not get to meet Obama. I would love to tell you more than that but I am still bitter about the Super Bowl and didn’t open the article.
31. Shaq would fight any of the following it appears according to a recent interview: Artest, Barkley, Oakley, Malone, and then the two odd ones…Danny Ainge and Xavier McDaniel. The last time I heard Xavier get run was in Singles and being the visual that the guy thinks of when he doesn’t want to come during sex. How the hell did that conversation even come up, Shaq? Maybe I ought to check out the whole transcript sometime.
32. Ron Artest is still going to the UK. I have nothing to add. I just like Ron in my rant multiple times when I have a reason. He is just…fun, and always has multiple things going on. He is kind of like a more organized Ochocino. I am not sure what that even means by the way.
33. Examples of things not making the cut on this rant…Clausen starting?, McElroy playing hurt, Boise and TCU only being together for a year in their conference, and any analysis of an actual preseason football game. Not football itself, just not any reports on actual “glorified practices.”
33a. Not trying to be a homer, but the Phillies pitching staff as a TEAM has a 2.99 ERA. There are only like 8 other individuals who are lower than that. That is just wrong...
33a. Not trying to be a homer, but the Phillies pitching staff as a TEAM has a 2.99 ERA. There are only like 8 other individuals who are lower than that. That is just wrong...
34. Kind of drained from sitting in the airport for 8 hours…I gave it my best shot. As one shepherd…HOLD ON! I don’t have a Seinfeld reference, and I just heard one in REAL TIME. The pilot has informed me that although we were slightly delayed, that he believes we can “make up the time.” As Jerry once said, If we are ALLOWED to go that fast, then why don’t we just go that fast ALL the time? Anyway, as one shepherd said to the other shepherd, I am going to get the flock out of here. Thanks as always to our spiritual hooker, Taint, for getting this thing going unknowingly. Peace, people. Now I'm done.
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