Read it, don't read it, I don't care...just need to get some things off my chest.
In no particular order of chronology or importance...
My mood is perfect (not a perfect mood, just perfect for ranting), Family Guy is on, and I kind of feel like Mike McDermott sitting down to play KGB with a full box of Oreo's, a bank roll, and a mask. Let's turn and burn. As usual, lots to get to, and stopping is my main problem.
1. This rant is not only about sarcasm. My first take is for Pat Summitt. You have always been a class act and one of the greatest coaches in basketball for all time. Your players' reactions to the latest news tell me even more clearly how great of coach and person you are. My respect goes out to your honesty, my respect goes out to you continuing to coach, and my prayers go to you that the disease does not progress.
2. At press time, the local Pennsylvania team was still in the LLWS, with a no-hitter and a couple comebacks on their resume. Whoever the hell wrote Hoosiers, Glory Road, Miracle, etc. better get to Williamsport pronto. I am on board. I actually checked the game that was on tonight just to make sure I wasn't missing them. Jump on the bandwagon. It hasn't been used since the Women's World Cup-runs great.
3. I dabbled in an interesting debate the other day. What is the best third movie ever made? When Bourne Ultimatum came out, I was the biggest supporter of this as the best. I didn't do any research, and I was aware that my outlandish bias towards those movies (pretty much my favorite line of flicks) might skew my input in this debate. Afterwards, I sat back and thought about it a little more. I decided that it would still be hovering in the top 3 regardless, just maybe at #3 as opposed to #1 worse case, depending on my mood. Before reading my top 3, remember that I am not including animated flicks (Toy Story 3 would probably give some people a run), Harry Potter movies (haven't seen any of them), or Lord of the Rings (once again, I haven't seen any). Here we go. You can put me down for: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly, Return of the Jedi (episode 6 ironically enough), and then Bourne Ultimatum. Have a blast disagreeing with me and making your own list.
4. Dibs to Jered Weaver. You are not exactly broke with your new contract, but signing to stay near home and the place you love and not listening to Scott Boras and going into free agency gives me mucho respect for you. Considering Sabbathia signed a total contract of about 75 mil more than you, you must be truly grounded and love your team. You have a new fan.
5. I'm not worried. Seriously. However, I guess my eyebrows did furrow a little when I read that the Giants just signed Heath Bell on that freaking post trade deadline, "waiver" thing. I am not totally worried about my Phils, as you need to have a lead to make a closer effectively change a game, but am sure glad they don't have the offense my boys have.
6. Bryant McKinnie just signed with the Ravens. You can have him, Baltimore. Good news is he got picked up by a good team. The bad news is Baltimore still has nightclubs, strippers, phonebooths, and...boats. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2005_Minnesota_Vikings_boat_cruise_scandal
7. I know I already talked about Russell Wilson a few rants ago. I swear I am not a closet Wisconsin fan. Maybe I just think about it more since UVA sucks so bad for the last 15 years or so. I just think about them with a quality QB and I think they have serious potential. Penn State and Nebraska come to their crib, and my only problem is back to back away games against Michigan State and Ohio State. The bad news is that those games are late in the season, where a loss paralyzes you because you have no time to move up. The good news is that those games are late in the season, when Wilson might just be hitting full stride.
8. Yay. Easy sky is blue, grass is green take. I was kind of worried about Zach Randolph's rise to fame by carrying his underdog team through the playoffs, but just as DeShawn Stephenson gave me a breath of fresh air after his championship with public intoxication, Zach did his part. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/08/23/zach-randolph-drug-dealer-marijuana-party_n_934138.html
9. I just saw a Family Guy episode that I hadn't seen with a minor character having J. Peterman's voice. That must be why I love that show so much. It is Seinfeld characters revisited. Putty AND Peterman. Fancy shit.
10. Tiger is 36th in the world. I think I know what he is planning. It is painstaking, odd, and not the brightest strategy, but he doing this. He is waiting until he is EXACTLY 64th in the world before making his huge comeback. That way, he can play Lee Westwood or whoever is #1 in the FIRST ROUND of a World Golf Championship Match Play Tournament. Brilliant. I am just joking. I know I am supposedly a supporter, but...he just sucks right now...as a person AND a golfer.
11. Ex-Bengal Antwan Odom got shot in the thigh during a home invasion. In a related story, Plaxico Burress left practice early that day also.
12. I would like to make up a new word/ acronym (both work). CIANAS. Once it becomes mainstream, I will let Wikipedia know to post a picture of AJ Burnett right by the definition. Its meaning would be "cashed in and now am slacking." Dude gets paid and now the only reason he is still in the rotation is because he has sucked the last three Augusts. Check the stats.
13. Chandler take of the week. Terrelle Pryor goes to the Raiders. Let me start by saying...hmmm..people. I can't do this. There are truly too many jokes. I will tell you what. I will see where I end up on this stream of consciousness and come back and add some jokes if I am under my maximum amount of takes (like that EVER happens).
14. I am nice to animals. However, I have to confess that I killed something today. I am truly (seriously) only scared of two things in life. Brown Recluses (not spiders, just that particular kind of spider-I blame a Reader's Digest article I read when I was 8 about a guy who had his arm amputated after a bite) and bees (that includes hornets, wasps, yellow jackets, etc.). Anyway, I know EXACTLY what a Brown Recluse looks like. I killed it outside my apartment front steps. I just signed a new lease, but I will look into moving tomorrow. My screen has holes.
15. I am starting a new segment. It will be called the "fly on the wall" take. In my initial fly on the wall take, I will say this. LSU has one of the top 3 fan bases in the country for football. They are preseason ranked 1,2,or 3, depending on what poll you are reading. Four football players, including the starting QB, are ALLEGEDLY in a bar fight. Today, they were questioned after they HIRED A LAWYER. There were no arrests. Come on. COME ON. Can you imagine the hard core questioning going on in that room? "Hey, Jordan, is coach giving you the keys to change plays this year?" Let me guess that their internal punishment for being at the bar,"Shady's," will be a 2nd or 3rd game ban (they play Oregon first game, people). I haven't looked at the rest of their schedule, but I would guess some directional school is involved.
16. Another new segment (I suppose I should start writing these down at some point)...the "damn, the joke is just STARING me in the face, and I can't put it together" take. Acronym will be a work in progress. Anyway, Kyle Busch wins at Pocono AND then loses his license for 45 days. Damn, Fillerbuster. Just put it together. There has to be something there. To tag team this new segment, Justin Gatlin is racing a race with frostbite. Dammit. Moving on.
17. Let's keep it going. Another new segment...The "my new favorite person in the world" take. Jim Irsay. For the first time since starting this rant, I was not pissed off about Favre being on the wire for something. Irsay was joking around about being in Mississippi this week with all of the talk about Peyton possibly missing games. Shit, Jim, I know you are joking, but you should have done it. Can you imagine the guy who holds the record for most consecutive games for a QB all time replacing the guy in 2nd? Classic. Side note, Kerry Collins is back...for the Colts. The poor guy gets more pub retiring than Dave Krieg (that was funny, people), and has to come back like Sugar Ray.
18. One more. The "I didn't even open the story" take. I can't comment on either because I really didn't open either one, but all I know is this. Kevin Durant was mentioned about a movie contract, and Blake Griffin is an intern on Funny or Die. It's a lockout. Will someone PLEASE wrestle an alligator? Jesus, I don't ask for much in this life. If you don't get that one, you once again aren't reading this enough.
19. Kenny Britt just announced his meeting with Roger Goodell went "well." Kenny, did it go well because you weren't busted for drugs to and fro, didn't assault anyone, didn't drink and drive, or do anything else that is easily in your repertoire?
20. Dayne Crist was named the starting QB for the Irish. A couple things here. One, it will always be an honor to be named the starting QB for one of the greatest football schools in history. Second, who cares? You will go as the defense goes, unlike other years (yes, you Jimmy Clausen). Hey, Crist, you are like the college version of Trent Dilfer. Plus, unlike Kim Clijsters, you are actually MISSING a consonant in your name.
21. Sorry, got to refer to a previous take in this rant. I have to do this when dumb jokes come to me once I hit my stride. The east coast earthquake apparently hit a 5.9 on the Richter Scale. New Raven Bryant McKinnie was allegedly sad that it wasn't a 6.9. Hold on. Not sure if I just laughed out loud because I have switched over to Colbert Report or whether I was laughing at my own joke. I will never know.
22. Hey, ARod. I promise I didn't start my rant with a Rounders reference considering you were meeting with MLB about your coke/ cash/ high stakes poker game. Want an Oreo, ARod? I won't "tell."
23. See? Wimbledon has it going on. They seed according to "grass court results" and, in my opinion, however the hell the feel about the seedings. US Open (I just realized that I am calling out a tournament and not a person or group of persons-anyway), you gave Serena a 28th seeding? Were you all at ARod's poker game, too?
24. I only care about the National League right now in baseball, but Pedroia is back for the Red Sox...just saying. Talk about the opposite of a CIANAS. Yay, I used my new word/ acronym in a sentence.
25. The "U" had 15 athletes involved? That is like the North Carolina illegally parking and THEN doing bad stuff. Sorry, I am not giving links in my last few takes...kind of on a roll. Trust me. That last joke was kind of funny.
26. Justin Combs just got a scholarship offer to UCLA. If they continue to suck, if Rick gets fired, and if their penalized arch rival keeps kicking their ass in recruiting, then he can sing one of his Daddy's songs. http://www.lyricskeeper.com/p_diddy-lyrics/22489-lonely-lyrics.htm
27. Justin Verlander. Cruise Control. Maybe he reads my rants about me starting an organization with him last time. He just got his 19th. We are not in September yet. No Denny McLain, but still...
28. Jim Thome gets his 600th home run and then gets put on waivers. That just seems...well...wrong to me.
29. Tweets are beating the normal news on a regular basis. Expanding on the Irsay story, we got told this week that Jimmy Rollins was being put on the DL way before the Phillies even announced it. Pretty soon, when there is a fumble mob in an NFL game, we are going to be tweeted who has the ball.
30. Matt Holliday had a moth enter his ear and had to leave the game. I had good jokes for this one, but they needed to be playing the Yankees (think George-Seinfeld-Raincoat episode). They were playing the Dodgers. Damn.
31. Fantasy football is starting pretty soon and I will play one league. I like it, and it is ok funwise. My problem is the problem. When I go to watch games, I want to shoot myself if I end up sitting next to THAT guy You know. The guy who doesn't even know the score if you asked, and is yelling at the TV about how the QB has to throw it to his slot receiver on that play because he gets extra points for the situation and then looks at the other TV where HIS Saints are playing and he is rooting for a running play by Mark Ingram, even though it is 3rd and 9, because he is the additional player because his running backs are so good and he is playing against Adrian Peterson and...you get the idea. I PURPOSELY left out the commas. I pick a team and hope for the best. The only player I have from my own team is the defense. BECAUSE. You are ALWAYS rooting for the defense. Just go RB, RB, QB, WR, and call it a day.
32. Poor Giants. They lose TWO CB's in a week? With this short of training camp, and this little preparation, that is huge. The two sawed in two Harold Carmichaels (listen, you have to read this regularly to get all of the jokes) are licking their chops. Unlike Sharapova (last rant), you don't have to send me the tape of them actually doing that.
33. Haynesworth pleads to something he did. Hardy har har. I have nothing on this. It is just fun to mention either Albert Haynesworth or Ron Artest in all of my rants. They just put a smile on my face.
34. The Diamondbacks are sliding. Wow. I never saw THAT coming. One frontline pitcher and no bats, and they are sliding? I think I might have to go split the atom before take 35.
35. OK. I didn't succeed in splitting the atom. Let's get back to it. I LOVE the "most interesting man in the world" commercials. But. Did the inventors of that idea get rich and go on a bender? They have kind of tapered off, kind of like the unimaginative end of just killing everyone in The Departed. Put me in coach. I have LOTS of ideas. We can amp that up right now. While I am at it, let's get the Cuervo guy to stop making innuendos about how I should dress mature to drink their tequila. My sandals, shorts, and backwards hat would welcome a shot-no pun intended (i just laughed out loud). Patron? Need anyone?
36. I wanted to do a take on the whole Cy-Hawk trophy, but I can't get past the fact that it is the dumbest name for a trophy ever.
37. I follow sports, and it kind of made sense once I figured it out, but I am admitting I still had to look it up. Bruce Pearl's "show-cause" penalty. To save you some Google time, it means that penalties are laid down, and the incoming coaches are not under any watchful eye. Good. Fair. More importantly, if a school wants to hire Pearl, they have to explain, for the next 3 years, why they want him as coach. Basically, it is a book report by the school for a guy who turned a football school into one who actually cared about basketball (besides the ladies) for a few years.
38. "The Warrior" is coming out. I am not sure if a similar movie was already made, but it was made by the same guy who did "The Miracle," I have boxed my entire life, and they dared in a preview to say it "was better than "The Fighter."" (saw it twice in the theater) I am coming to the theater. You better not be playing me. By the way, it is about two brothers who end up fighting for the boxing championship. Sounds cheesy, and very fancy. I'm in.
39. What's my limit? 40? Guess we better shut it down. Sorry, Chris Johnson, I will cover you when something is actually resolved. Taint? Whatever. You are a hooker. Thanks for the rant idea, not letting me sneak one past the goalie, and stay in the Ranch.
**I reported something live last week about Tim Tebow being announced as the #3 QB. That apparently has NOT been announced. I apologize, and realize that is why I don't normally trust 3rd party information. It will probably end up being correct, but I don't like reporting bad info. I will go back to leaning on me and me only.
39a. But, since we mentioned the #2 QB from the Broncos...(I got lots of feedback from Broncos fans about my 2nd team thing. Listen. I could live here for another 14 years and will continue to root against you, root for my Steelers, and not have a 2nd team). NOW I'm done. Peace. Talk to you Saturday.
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