081111-and my second favorite team is...

Read it, don't read it, I don't care...I just need to get some things off my chest.

In no particular order of chronology or importance...

1.  Someone just asked me this at the gym, catching me unfortunately before I had a chance to put my shuffle earphones in and ignore everyone as I always do and workout and then not talk to people by machines, walk around in ratty clothes and NOT look like I am there to pick someone up, not leave my water bottle and towel on a machine and then superset like 5 other exercises elsewhere while I hog the entire original machine, and....sorry, that is a whole other topic.  ANYWAY, I was asked if I was going home to watch the game tonight.  I said "what game?"  A horrified person then said "uhh...the Broncos game of course."  I said "Oh, you mean the glorified practice."  The conversation ended thankfully.  I have a lot to get to, but let me say this.  I know we are all jonesing for football, but watching a preseason game is where I draw the line.  It is practice with cameras, people.  I might tune in at the END of a Steeler game to check out players I might not know who might make the team, but there is NO WAY I am watching the whole event.  While we are on this subject, I feel it is ridiculous that someone has to "change" teams because they live in a certain place.  Bullshit.  I, dare I say, treat my passion for the Steelers like a religion.    I might not know what is coming in the rest of my life, but I for damn sure know one truth.  When I meet my end, I hope I bleed black and gold, because I know I will die a Steelers fan.  One other thing, ranking as one of my least favorite phrases in life is "my second favorite team is..."  AHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Stop it.  Just pick one team, and love them.  How can you split your allegiance?  I don't get it.  Moving on.

2.  Just a quick shout out to my favorite sports columnist, whose cleverness I hope to at some point just be in the same ballpark as.  I am not asking you to read every single column he writes.  He writes a lot.  That being said, when he releases one of his "mailbags," I would have to say that reading them are my most enjoyable reading experience in this life that we live.  They are brilliant, they are random, they are knowledgeable, and they are hilarious.  Think of a sports episode of Family Guy with more meat.  Check it out.  Bill Simmons, people.  http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/6837774/the-glorious-return-mailbag

3.  In our "has this guy been playing at the same school for 15 years" segment, what freaking year is Case Keenum of Houston in?  I feel like he was the QB there when I was living in Virginia Beach 14 years ago.

4.  Speaking of Family Guy by the way, if you ever get a chance to catch the episode based on Poltergeist, keep watching.  The whole episode is not the best one ever, but I literally laugh out loud after Stewie gets sucked into the TV, and then says "Hold on, I wanna try something."  Then he sings Phil Collins "In the Air Tonight."  Classic.  Echoes included.

5.  In our "my, that trade just sounds...well...fun" segment, someone actually wrote an entire article on trading Chris Paul pretty much straight up for Russell Westbrook.  While nothing was really said by any of the players, apparently there was destroyed video footage of Westbrook having to wipe off drool off of Durant's chin.

6.  Ichiro is going into the Hall of Fame.  No doubt.  Can you imagine if he came over when he was younger? Pete Rose would have gotten attention taken off of his gambling past and people would be talking about how bad of person he was to break Ichiro's kneecaps.

7.  I can't turn away from the commercials for Colin Farrell's Fright Night.  It is a trainwreck in waiting.  It looks SO horrible.  Previews can't even make that thing look good, and I thought they could make just about every movie look good.  Then I thought about it.  Is it supposed to look so bad on purpose?  Am I missing the joke somewhere?  Confused.

8.  Shannon Sharpe's Hall of Fame speech was lights out.  Awesome. Don't click on this thing now though.  In the word of the dude in Gladiator, "you will see her again, but not yet..."  I think it runs like 26 minutes.   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oN_Zmm4YHwg

9.    Rhett Bomar evidently wasn't getting much pub being on the depth chart behind McNabb, Webb, and Ponder, so he got went out and got drunk and got a DUI.  Nice, man.  Some 4th strings practice harder to move up.  You go get sauced.

10.  Coincidently, the injured fan Stow raised his arms and legs on the same day that the suspects pleaded guilty.  Something tells me the raising of limbs happened first.  "Damn man, he's waking up.  Might as well tell them..."  I hope they do very bad things in prison to you.

11.  I didn't open the article amazingly.  I was just happy that Demarcus made the Fox wire with the word "tattoo" next to his name, instead of domestic assault, weapons, hookers, arrested, etc.  I am sure it will happen of course, but remember what Bill Murray said in "What About Bob,"  baby steps.

12.  Nice job, Stevie.  Everyone feels bad for you.  Everyone hates Tiger (except for me).  Then, you make Adam Scott's win more about you then him.  It was a perfect time to take the high road.  Instead, you ate it up and talked.  Even fellow golfers were talking about how you were in the gray area of golf etiquette.  In the words of Sundown from Top Gun, "We could have had him, man!"

13.  Speaking of Tiger, way to start out -3 and end up +7 today.  Are you planning on getting good at any point?  Oh, you must be waiting for THIS to open, aye?  http://msn.foxsports.com/golf/story/tiger-woods-new-house-has-practice-facility-030711  TAG Heuer dropped him today also.  Hey, guys, love the watches. Can you put all of that money you are not paying him now and lower your prices?

14.  Brad Keselowski wins the Pocono race with a broken ankle.  I am not sure how I feel about this.  I will never say that I think that racers are athletes, but it still sounds like pretty much a pain in the ass to ride around with a broken ankle at high speed.  Hmmmm.... nope, can't do it.  No props for you.  Sorry.  I would be crossing some type of line I have drawn in my imagination.

15.  DUDE!  Ocho! What the hell happened with the alligator wrestling?  Did it happen?  Did I miss it?  That was going to be the highlight of the summer for me.  What a anti-climatic ending.  The NFL gets back together, the Patriots pick you up, and all you got is this.  http://boston.cbslocal.com/2011/08/09/ochocinco-wants-to-live-with-a-fan-for-a-few-weeks/

16.  I am kind of sad.  I write my ideas for this thing down constantly.  My work, as of this week, just shut down the FoxSports website.  Damn.  A couple lost stories each blog now...I walk by computers with people on Facebook, but I can't check the a couple times a day?

17.  I chuckled when I read this headline.  A woman, 61, is going to do the swim from Cuba to the U.S.  Don't people do that all the time anyway?  You're not so tough, lady.  You just are doing it with pub.

18.  Rex Grossman has said that the Redskins will win the NFC East.  Gotcha.  Thanks, man.  Hey, Rex, can you say as confidently that you will still be the starter by the end of the season.  Geez.  You get to the top of the depth chart for a couple weeks after flaming out your entire career, and all of a sudden you are conservative Joe Namath.  Shut up, keep practicing, and don't go drinking with Rhett Bomar.

19.  I have no take on this.  I can't believe how much I hate Tim Tebow and I am stuck in Denver.  It is hell, people.  It hurts more that I turn to national shows and they still talk about it.  STOP!  Please.  I would rather have Dennis Leary's version of hell over this.  " And you know what hell is, don't you?  It's Andy Gibb, singing Shadow Dancing for eons and eons..."

20.  Take this, Brad Keselowski.  Clay Matthews played most of last year on a leg fracture.  Man, that is just tough.  That is standing upright, running around and tackling very large people tough.  I hope he pulled a Predator when a teammate asked him if he was doing all right.  "I ain't got TIME to bleed."

21.  Not being a homer.  Just saying.  Yay.  The Steelers got Cotchery.  Nice pickup, boys.  We haven't had a tall receiver since Case Keenum started his first year at the University of Houston.

22.  Terrelle Pryor cancelled his pro day.  Dude.  Maybe he really did caddie for Tiger.  Shit.  I missed it.  (previous rant joke, not explaining.  I want loyal followers on this thing, not passers by)

23.  For a touching, awesome story, take a look at this:  http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/44043019/ns/local_news-jackson_ms/t/soldier-disguised-braves-catcher-surprises-wife/  Badass.

24.  Here we go.  Ron Artest is being courted by a UK team who is promising him TV time in addition to a playing contract.  I know there is an ocean separating us, UK, but technology exists now that must give you some clue that him being on TV a lot is the LAST thing you want to happen.  Listen, UK, they only crossed the streams in Ghostbusters because they HAD to.  They were going to die.  They were going to be killed by the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man.  It was the end of the movie.  Putting Artest on TV a lot is not a good idea.  Just saying.

25.  I LOVE the new rule that NCAA teams can't get into tournaments if their APR (Academic Progress Rates) isn't up to snuff.  Make schools make their kids go to class.  Great rule.  Thanks.

26.  In our "Chandler/ White Men Can't Jump" (I now have combined "too many jokes" and "TOO easy")category, members from the EGR team (that is a NASCAR team (Earnhardt Ganassi Racing)-I had to look it up.  I was actually offended that the wire assumed I knew what that was.  Not EVERYONE watches that shit.  EGR is not like NFL or RBI or Total QBR (lol-previous rant joke again), people.  Just tell me), got busted for trafficking marijuana.  Too easy.  I just realized how much I love putting parentheses within parentheses.  I feel like a bad boy doing it.

27.  Steve Stricker had a great, record breaking round today.  I root for Tiger and nobody else these days does.  But, damn.  If you don't like that guy, there is something wrong with you.  His story.  His personality.  His etiquette.  He HAS to win one of these things.  He is like the US version of Darren Clarke.  Great golfer, great guy, and deserves it.

28.  I see that Carlos Boozer is thinking about going overseas.  I don't know what Carlos does in his free time, and I never want to root for someone's downfall, but if he got a DUI??  He would own the Chandler category for months.

29.  This is my kind of humor.  I am not going to make a joke about the Doughtery gang.  You people will do much better at me.  No.  What I found funny was this.  I am the only person sad about their capture.  Now, all I can find is their exciting capture video.  What I INTENDED to do on this blog was to put you through the same torture as me a couple days ago before they got caught.  The police released LIVE chase footage of the officer who got shot.  It was the most monotonous 3 minutes of my life.  It was a car going fast without the other car in sight.  Anyway, know that I was going to fool you into watching it, and be glad they were caught...not just for that trivial reason of course.

30.  Texas A&M is considering joining the SEC.  You have a top 10 ranked class coming in, finally making it back to the elite, and you want to move THERE?  Are you hanging out with the EGR team?  Do you want a big bag of Cheetos, too?  Have you been talking to Rex Grossman?  You are in the Big 12.  You are in a conference that might not be the strongest, but doesn't hurt you if you ever are in the BCS hunt again.  Stay, guys.  There is a difference between aspirations of running the table in a sub-par, but still Big 6 conference, and...stupidity.

31.  Jerry Rice will be on the ESPN NFL team this season.  I have been envisioning Rice and Keyshawn sitting next to each other, but just can't quite put a joke together.  So, I won't go there.  Just so you know, of the 10 almost jokes I came up with, here were the top two:
1.  Keyshawn gets a little wayward in one of his takes, Jerry realizes that he is like Mr. Miyagi and Key is like Danielson, and on live TV, just says "Bitch, please..."  Samuel Jackson is the coolest cusser of all time  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=czb4jn5y94g, but I would bet Jerry Rice could be the best NFL cusser.
2.  This doesn't really work because Jerry is not a QB, but I can see Jerry talking intelligently about something, Key looking over and getting jealous about how much better he was than him, and then yelling, "Throw me the Damn Mic!!"

32.  Good point made about the whole NFL/ LA team on Mike and Mike.  They were talking about the apathetic fans out there, and one Mike was lobbying that the Lakers drew a good crowd.  The other Mike quickly said, "but that is like 17,000 people as opposed to 70,000 people."  Point taken.

33.  I don't have the results yet tonight, but Dan Uggla is going into tonight with a 31 game hit streak.  Dude, about 5 or 6 more, and we can not only put you in a very select group, but we can also talk about how untouchable that DiMaggio streak is.  I will still say that Hack Wilson's RBI total (191) and Nolan Ryan's no-hitter total (7) are more untouchable, but still...pretty fancy shit.

34.  I didn't read the article, but I saw that the winner of a video game contest would get to face Lincecum live batting against him.  THAT should go well.  Maybe it will be fun.  I am just still bitter about Ocho not wrestling the alligator evidently.

35.  Sweater Vest made 21.7 million while at Ohio State.  That buys a LOT of sweater vests.  Not to sound weird, but I would still love to look into your closet and see the lineup of those things.

36.  Oklahoma lost its top tackler from last year to a broken foot.  When questioned on his time of return, please tell me there was a headline somewhere that read " OU hopes him to be back sooner, rather than later."

37.  Usually I get pissed at players holding out for outperforming their contract.  However, sometimes, you just have to pay them.  They are THAT good.  Yes, you, Chris Johnson.  In the words of John Malkovic in Rounders, "Pay him.  Pay that man his money."

38.  Jerry Garcia's death anniversary was on Tuesday.  Thanks to my roomate, Don, in college for expanding my music realm out of glam rock, thanks to my buddy Mike to inviting me to one of the last Grateful Dead shows (RFK) before his death, and thanks to Widespread Panic for continuing the groove and energy.  106 concerts under my belt of those guys.

40  Since Oswalt is about healthy, and Hunter Pence is now in the lineup, if anyone can think of any weaknesses on the Phillies besides the closer by committee issue, let me know.  Do you realize that their STAFF ERA is 3.06?  Sick.

41.  I hear about these 10+ achilles injuries in the NFL since camps begun.  I have never torn my achilles.  It just sounds painful though. Seriously.  Ouch.

42.  You know how you get pizza coupons in the mail, and gather like 30 of them?  I don't order pizza as much these days, and everything looked good and like a good deal when I was going through them, but then I found a Cosmo's coupon. Done and Done.  Thought I was going to make it through ANOTHER rant without a Seinfeld reference?  I think not.

43.  I am glad Joe Paterno was ok from that sideline accidental hit.  I listen to his interviews, and I also think he might give a run for oldest person ever.  I hope he is still coaching in 2030...

44.  A 7 year old is signed by Real Madrid.  This is SO stupid.  But, if I happen to have some free time, and if it happens to be on TV, and if you happen to start him, I will say one thing.  I WILL watch.  Damn.  A positive non-World Cup soccer take.  44 takes?  I will blame it on that.  I am crossing the line.  Let me cover the last few things and get the hell out of here.  Take 44 is a positive soccer take?  Dude.

45.  I change favorite workout songs.  I like Queensryche, Linkin Park, and others.  But lately, this one makes me want to run through a wall-just sharing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6lPmiDoK-fo

46.  One more funny story.  We are running long.  No jokes.  Just kind of made me chuckle:  http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/2011/08/08/2011-08-08_mexican_drug_smugglers_busted_trying_to_land_boat_near_california_surfing_champi.html

46.  That's it.  Thanks to Taint, who unknowlingly started this thing.  I now am obsessed.  This wouldn't exist without you.  What's the difference between Tiger and Taint?  When Tiger hooks a lot, he ends up over par.  NOW, I'm done.  Damn, Brady, get that starting Bronco QB job.  We have SO much fun with it on this rant.  Peace, people.  Thanks for playing.