Read it, don't read it, I don't care...just need to get some things off my chest.
In no particular order of chronology or importance...
1. Homage to my Mr. Miyagi (just got stuck the end of Karate Kid again-damn. How many nice afternoons has THAT movie ruined for me?). Another Bill Simmons mailbag is out. Read mine first please, but make a note to self to check it out. http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/6877553/attack-mailbag Laugh out loud funny stuff...As Jerry would say, "Oh, he's the best. This guy's the best."
2. In a "nice try at an Elway retirement," UConn's AD retired this week. Sure, he wasn't exactly playing. Sure, he wasn't exactly even coaching, but I guess you could still say he kind of still went out on top, aye?
3. This week, Michael Vick has enlightened the public that Philly wasn't his first choice after getting out of prison. Uhhhh. Thanks, Michael, for that life changing information. I can now sleep better now knowing that a dog killer with a Stegasaurus sized brain who coincidentally is one of the most athletic people in the freaking world went to a team that wasn't his first choice. I. Don't. Care.
4. Speaking of freak athletes who are not the brightest bulbs on the tree, Terrelle Pryor had his pro day this weekend. He ran a 4.4, pretty much taking that event against all QB's in the world except for the idiot in the previous take, who cruises a nice 4.3 at last timing-not sure if the recorded time was pre or post prison. So, we know he is fast. His body is prototype for his position. So, we know he is built for it. His accuracy is a main point of concern, and it is reported that was pretty much the same today, although he had just gotten receivers together pretty much the day before. So, we know he is not a great thrower. That seems to be pretty important to me...just saying I mean, Dikembe Mutumbo might have been the NBA's leading scorer of all time. Oh, that's right, he can't shoot. We already know his mental acumen after his golf course and selling rings escapades. Somebody WILL pick him up, but I wouldn't. Or, I would, and have him return kicks or something less controlling and more physical. By the way, here is my conspiracy about this whole thing which actually makes him GAIN a few points of respect in a way. Here goes. People were worried about his accuracy, so he PURPOSELY waits to pick up receivers for the Pro Day AND until the final second and then tells the media SO he has an excuse. Brilliant. Terrelle also graciously accepted his 5 game ban. I guess he figured A) he wouldn't play anyway in those games on any team who picks him up and B) he was already mentally ready to serve those games at OSU anyway. I won't get into it, but Roger Goodell is wrong on this one. You can be the badass of YOUR league and you have successfully cleaned up the NFL, but once you say he can be a pro, technically he has a clean slate. Leave it alone. I had a lot of capitalized words in that take. At least they are not exclamation points. Myra had the baby.
5. Props to the place I am writing this at. http://www.pubonpenn.com/home/ Props to my fellow blogger who writes great movie reviews http://rockiesmovies.blogspot.com/
6. Shane Victorino appealed his brawl suspension and it got reduced. Has a major leaguer ever appealed a suspension and lost? Seriously.
7. Brett Favre is still making the wire. He is tutoring Colt McCoy. Not to look too far ahead, but I wonder in 15 years how long Colt is going to take to retire?
8. Earlier this week, I accidentally got stuck in a time machine. I dreamed that I was watching a commercial for a movie called Shark Night 2D/ 3D that looked straight out of 1985 and HORRIBLE. I went outside my apartment looking for the DeLorean. Hold on, people. Someone is talking to me. What's that? Really? There really IS a movie coming out like that? Wow. That is just sad. All we need now is Samuel Jackson with some down time and some snakes figuring out another way onto an aircraft. Moving on.
9. Eli Manning has announced he is in Brady's class at QB. I am holding off on a take on this. I am still waiting for a Fox story to report that Eli Manning was busted for tripping on acid earlier this week.
10. Check this out. In our "inbounds play in basketball by throwing the ball against someone's back" take of the week, here is an old schoolyard treat. http://www.businessinsider.com/david-wright-highlight-2011-8
11. Not the big name we were silently, subconsciously hoping for...Mike Jacobs. Good ole' Mike evidently still thinks we are in the roid era for baseball. He is the first North American athlete to get 50 games for HGH. Don't bother looking him up. I live in Denver and have to read shit about the Rockies all the time...and I even had to look him up. He sucks. You got busted AND the shit ain't working. That is almost as bad as Tiger sleeping with Perkins waitresses AND sucking at golf.
12. HOW IRONIC? Awesome. I was hoping the Kobe talks with Chinese teams would cease, but I never saw how it actually did end coming. CHINA stopped them. I don't care who did it. All's well that ends well. And Kobe ain't going anywhere, people. He will just make the wire by making "surprise visits" at summer league games.
13. Funny how life works. The United States busts its ass to try and get into space first, and then we shut down the shuttle program with intentions of catching a ride with the Russians on future trips? People, that is the take. I don't even know if I stated it right. I only get limited info at commercials between SportsCenter. Let's get back to what I know.
14. OK. I didn't come clean on that one. I don't want to ever lie to my readers. I actually didn't learn about the shuttle during a commercial from SportsCenter. I learned about it because astronauts were on one of my favorite shows...The Colbert Report. That show is SO off the hook. I am just plain confused if you don't love that show. It is absolutely brilliant.
15. OSI! OSI! That is my written version of a cheer. Anyway, my good man Osi had to have knee surgery this week. Maybe THAT is one of the reasons the public doesn't know of why they won't pay your ass more money.
16. With this whole awareness to concussions in the NFL, can you imagine how giddy you must feel if you are a down and out ex-NFL player who it is on record has had a concussion? You are one happy camper and just jumping on the "sue the NFL" bus.
17. Really, Mr. Suh? You get a 20k fine for a hit in PRESEASON?
18. Best wishes to Jeremy Maclin, who was cleared this week to play again. Bro, I am glad it was nothing serious. Sorry I made the Harold Carmichael joke while things were still in doubt. You ARE short, and this IS just a rant. If anything, Harold should be mad about me talking about him being sawed in half.
19. Danica Patrick is the active version of Brett Favre. I hear she is debating on moving full time to NASCAR next season. Make up your freaking mind. I heard on ESPN News this morning that she was doing her first stock car road race today. You are smoking hot, but now irritating me. Either pick a form of car to race, or stop telling the media about each "almost" decision.
20. Yes, people, I am aware the font changed in the middle of this rant. I was trying to copy and paste "Ndamukong" in take 17 and haven't figured out how to change it. Just go with it.
21. In my "how cool is Dr. Dre" take, here is the lyric that made me laugh this week. "You look like A.C. Green, bitch. Don't call me no more."
22. Since we are all excited that football is back, I have decided to do an entire Preseason take on who looks good, and who doesn't...hmmm...just kidding. Totally. That would be like me owning a cat because I want a pet and my apartment complex doesn't accept dogs. I have spent my entire life making fun of single dudes with cats. It would be hypocritical. My buddy DJ is the exception. You are cool and break the trend.
23. KC WR Jonathan Baldwin will be out the rest of the preseason with a wrist injury when he tried to fight Thomas Jones. Thomas Jones is a UVA guy, #5 overall pick back in the day when people took good running backs in the top ten (that has SO changed), and is a workout freak. Jonathan. Pick another dude. That would like me picking a fight with Shannon Sharpe on the street. NOT a good idea.
24. I HATE when I watch SportsCenter and they tell me that someone has the 2nd most yards of all time in a game, the 2nd most completions for a team during a game, etc. I hate it because 95% of the time, they NEVER tell me who is 1st. Then I have to log on my wireless and look it up. Maybe I am the only person who does this, but you can understand how it would irritate me AND lose me a lot of very valuable time in my life (that was sarcastic). And yes, I have a smart phone for work. I seem to still just use it for work. My Android, after 8 months, is still extremely overwhelming to me. Dumb guy using a very smart device.
25. Hold the phone. Folks, we have a LIVE update (well, at least from the writing perspective) from one of the people in this establishment that makes me SO excited. Apparently, it is being reported that Tim Tebow will be 3rd string. Not only am I happy that Brady Quinn will be 2nd string and that my closing line to this rant might become more popular when Horton gets hurt and Quinn starts and they bring back the EAS commercials, BUT I am also elated that my confusing hate towards Tebow is satisfied. He will be the most beloved 3rd string QB in the world, because there are a hell of a lot more people on the sidelines to spend 5 or 20 minutes with (sorry, that joke never gets old to me). That take was MUCH more fun than my planned take on the bounty on Tebow in a game in college. As much as I am entertained by quality bounty talk (I really am. Aren't you trying to hit the guy anyway? You need a contest to motivate you?), this was better.
26. I think that my only comeback if one of those German fans who were throwing feces at a soccer game this week hit me with a load would be "Oh yeah? You must be telling our team that we are worth a shit!" That is all I got on that one.
27. The Georgetown/ Chinese pro team brawl was surreal. Watching the highlights was ok, but I kept watching the story because they kept explaining why Georgetown was over there in the first place. They made the trip to "promote good will." Awesome.
28. Sports is funny. The other day, I just got done reading a fantastic Sporting News article on Jordan Jefferson from LSU. I walked away with a fuzzy feeling for the program and his leadership. Then, the next day, there were "rumors" he was in a bar fight. Nice work, Jordan.
29. Damn. Serena is fighting injuries again, and Clijsters just pulled out of the US Open? Sharapova is licking her chops. And by the way, if you actually get video of her licking her chops, send that over, won't you? Sounds fancy. Hey, I'm a dude.
30. I am confused. On my way home from work, a radio station still has one of those contests where they play a song and you have to guess the year. Without even busting on people calling into these things (Chandler/ White Men Can't Jump take of the rant), how are they getting the year wrong? I am not saying everyone has a smart phone. I am saying I find it hard to believe that these people don't even KNOW anyone with a smart phone.
31. Albert Haynesworth was on the wire for something. I would love to report it, but I didn't open the article. Haynesworth stories and me are old hat-lost the magic.
32. Just in case you thought the Roger Clemens thing was over, they are trying to get it retried. I can't WAIT to read more about that. Yay.
33. I always read things in the bathrooms at places and debate two things. One, it is true that I carry around around a PEN and paper (how the hell do you think I do 30 plus takes every 3 days?), but who walks around with sharpies? I know chicks could have them in their purse and don't, of course, know what their bathrooms look like, but dudes packing one? Two, if you write something on a wall in a bathroom, you must really have something you want to tell people and are picking an odd setting for its publication. I will read something, and think to myself, you took 2 minutes to write THAT?
34. Not sure if they are still in at press time, but it is SO cool a local Pennsylvania team is in the Little League World Series. Keystone. Good luck, lads. Fancy shit.
35. I will actually say that I think that Fox did something smart. They apparently signed a 7 year deal to show UFC. I think they are probably about 7 years behind the ball on this, but anything is better than anything non-cartoon or football on that network.
36. The coolest thing happened to me the other day. In my continuing interest of what happens to things in my cargo shorts (referring to my IPod take a couple rants ago), I had a chapstick and a freshly bought book of stamps in there. An hour later, two stamps were perfectly wrapped around the chapstick, facing out. Seriously, think about it, it makes more sense that they would be haphazardly stuck to it or crumpled up. People have asked me why I purposely pasted two stamps on my chapstick, and my answer seems to be slightly irritating to them.
37. I am at 37 takes. I have to shut it down for the benefit of your attention span. Plus, what's worse, is that they just turned the sound on the Broncos glorified practice. However, I heard a debate on college football's championship deciding format the other day. I wanted to pretend like I was on that Bud Light commercial and run into the TV. I have a plan, and am a firm believer in a version of the playoff format. I will get into that this week on my next rant.
38. As always, thanks to Taint for beginning the snowball of what is now "The Rant." You are a hooker, but SO glad I started writing these. I guess you DO have a redeeming quality. In honor of my EAS boy getting the #2 QB position in Denver, NOW I'm done. Peace...
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