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Read it, don't read it, I don't care...I just need to get some things off my chest.

In no particular order of chronology or importance...

1.  Let's begin with a simple the sky is blue, grass is green take.  Right off the bat.  Hey, Michael Beasley, you getting into the news this week reminded me I forgot to include you on the list of people that could have made the Darius Miles airport/ gun story better.  Shoving a fan at a Washington Heights game, aye?  You are no Stegosaurus, but if you played trivia pursuit against a Triceratops, and there were a lot of history questions, I would bet on the Triceratops.  Please see the last rant on Darius Miles if you do not get the Stegosaurus reference.

2.  Thanks, Fox, as always.  I appreciate you putting at the fifth spot on the wire that Pee Wee Herman was at Cowboys training camp.  No one knew the reason.  It happened and it was reported.  Pee Wee must have rent do, because he didn't show up as the person who PLAYED Pee Wee Herman, he came dressed up as Pee Wee Herman.

3.   AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stop interviewing Brett Favre.  Just end it.  I think of things to talk about for 25-40 takes every two or three days.  Surely, your paid reporters can do something else with their time.

4.  I am not the sharpest knife in the drawer sometimes.  I also do not say I know everything about NASCAR.  However, with all of these drivers not liking each other and it going public for NASCAR, when the Chase comes around, and only 10 plus whatever two or so they pick besides that, if a driver is in the back ten cars in a race after the Chase begins, how come we don't hear more about drivers crashing Chase drivers because they don't like them?

5. Since this is my favorite rant because it is not a school night, as always, props to the place I am writing from: http://www.pubonpenn.com/home/

6.  In case you were wondering how confused the city of Denver is of the Jimenez trade, his Indians debut result was on the bottom of the FRONT page of today's paper.  In the words of Viper in Top Gun, "you gotta let him go."

7.  Craig Counsell just broke his 0-45 hitting slump, helping him not tie the record for a non-pitcher since 1909.  I would have been following Mark Grace's "slumpbusting" advice by at bat 20.  So, either Craig just found out about the slumpbuster thing and it worked, or he has been with a lot of large women in the last two weeks if he started at AB 20.  I am not putting a link on this.  Just google "Mark Grace Jim Rome Slumpbuster."

8.  I am not a Yankees fan.  I am not a Red Sox fan.  However, I respect them both as great organizations.  This weekend's series, with them both battling for the division, has some energy to it.  I love it.

9.  Mr. Tebow, just practice, work hard, and shut the hell up.  You had the golden boy image.  The only people who kind of disliked you were people like me who got tired of hearing how perfect you are.  Listen, dude.  Whatever happens with the starting QB position, happens.  It is what it is.  However, you can't spend 5 or 20 minutes with every freaking person in the world.  You are like one of those guys at my fraternity that we used to call "face-guys."  You can only fuck it up by talking.

10.  I have never met you, and there are a lot of haters out there, but know I am a fan, sir.  Steve Spurrier has banned his football team from being on Twitter.  Seriously, great idea.  He is keeping those top 10 recruiting classes pretty quiet enough-no need to have some idiotic tweet mess it up.

11.  I was puzzled to hear that the Steelers were going to have some cameos in the new Batman film being made.  I was curious of what roles the 6 or 7 could play.  I found out it was going to be the warm-up session as the Gotham football team.  Wow, that is sounding like a quality flick.

12.  Speaking of "quality flicks," and if you are curious as I am of the stupidity or cleverness of the "Cowboys and Aliens" movie, check out my buddy's blog: http://rockiesmovies.blogspot.com/

13.  I forget these when I notice them, probably because I don't want to admit faults in the greatest comedy of all time, but how did Jerry and Lois, in "The Race," go out for weeks without her meeting George?  Have you ever noticed that Kramer says in an early episode that "I only take baths," but in a later episode, he is on a mission to find the Commando 450?  If you do not know what I am talking about, I will save you from the explanation as I have much more to get to...moving on.

14.  The color coordination is KILLING me, Ricky Fowler.  I remember matching my black 3/4 tops with a black Isiah Thomas shirt and black Pistons hat, but come on...

15.  My fraternity brother is the shit.  I got my favorite gift I have gotten in a long time.  I have cracked on Bill Walton for years in this rant.  If you don't know what I say, I basically come from the perspective of this.  Listening to him do a NBA telecast is either like watching a car wreck or watching CSI Miami.  One, it is bad, but you can't look away.  The other, it is so bad, it is hilarious.  I used to say that CSI Miami was the best comedy on TV for years.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_sarYH0z948  (HILARIOUS shit)  Anyway, Bill Walton used to make comments close to "that was the greatest steal by an under 6' left handed guard from the Pac 10 before halfitme in 20 years.  You get the point.  Anyway, my fraternity brother just got me an autographed photo from Bill Walton with John Wooden that says "from the greatest..."  Freaking awesome.  That might be #2 of my favorite possessions, of course ranked behind my Kramer painting. http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.seinfeld-fan.net/pictures/kramer/kramer036.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.seinfeld-fan.net/pg_kramer.php&h=881&w=595&sz=90&tbnid=syYEl5Up0gHxmM:&tbnh=90&tbnw=61&prev=/search%3Fq%3Dseinfeld%2Bkramer%2Bpainting%26tbm%3Disch%26tbo%3Du&zoom=1&q=seinfeld+kramer+painting&docid=0CBHknLf13AzHM&hl=en&sa=X&ei=m-Y9TvgsisqIAq23mMMG&sqi=2&ved=0CFIQ9QEwBA&dur=94

16.    Wow.  That was a long-ass link.  Moving on.  Bama/ Auburn... Did you hear how an Alabama County police station lured a wanted husband and wife by promising them Bama/ Auburn tix?  Awesome.

17.  Deer antler spray has been outlawed by MLB because of its steroid enhancements.  Where the FUCK have I been?  I read every freaking article and watch every show possible, and I didn't know about this deer-antler stuff.  If it was possible, I would say I need to spend more time because of this oversight, but it is not really possible with balancing my complex life of work, sports, the gym, and this blog.

18.  Absolutely tragic.  Basketball is teased for not being a "contact" sport.  Bullshit.  Anyway, my thoughts go out to the highly ranked Notre Dame recruit who might lose sight in one eye because of a freak injury on the court.

19.  A poker pro is saying ARod was not at that poker game.  First of all, and going from my last rant, I will like you less again if you were NOT at that game.  Second, going with my theory that we only know 40% of what really happened from the media reporting, I got a feeling that this story is more like 25%.

20.  Pick one.  Which story ends first?  The Favre comeback story or the Umenyiora story...I want to think outside the box and say they both end by the time I am ranting tonight.

21.  Just saying.  Braylon Edwards gets busted in a barfight in Birmingham, Alabama.  Then, a couple days later, he signs a one year deal with San Fran.  You ARE good at geography, Braylon.  According to my calculations, there is only one other NFL team further from Birmingham than San Fran, and they already signed Sidney Rice.  Just saying...

22.  The Rangers Avery shoves a cop.  Word is that he has been lonely the last couple summers from not shoving SOMEONE during the summer months.

23.  The rich get richer.  Florida just signed the top OT, and Alabama just signed the #3 receiver.  Oh, my bad, Florida.  You sucked last season.  Bad take...

24.  Coolest story of the week easily.  Ray Horton, previous assistant for the Steelers but moving on to another team, went up to a cafeteria worker one of his last days in Pittsburgh.  He pretended like he needed lunch money to the cafeteria worker and asked to borrow $20.  When the cafeteria worker gave it to him without reservation, he handed him keys to his car for his genuineness, a Mercedes Benz SL 500 Convertible Roadster.  http://www.azcentral.com/sports/cardinals/articles/2011/08/04/20110804arizona-cardinals-ray-horton-steelers-employee-gift.html

25.  In a story on Deadspin, they talk about the whole Canseco, Seinfeld, Lady Gaga, Madonna, ARod connection.  I would love to flow chart this for you, but don't have the time.  Forget the story.  Just focus on this.  Canseco was tweeting how much he loved Lady Gaga.  Here is one of them.  "I am her night in shining armor."  Classic

26.  I laughed listening to Nomar comment on the Phils/ Giants brawl.  He talked like he was a UFC fighter and he had been in like 20 of those fights.  Easy tiger.  Should we talk about you not meeting expectations for your last like 6 years?  Just analyze, don't tell me how you been there, done that.

27.  Liz McColgan physically abused her husband.  Liz was a world champion 10,000 meter champion back in the day.  This is a Chandler take, and here is a pic for you people:  http://deadspin.com/5827914/former-world-champion-long+distance-runner-accused-of-roughing-her-estranged-husband-up

28.  Another link.  No soccer take this rant, just a smooth-ass assist:  http://deadspin.com/5828345/heres-video-of-a-smooth-assist-in-a-german-soccer-match

29.  In another Chandler take, this week, there was the 8th annual nude rugby match in New Zealand.  EEWWWWWW.....

30.  I feel bad.  I went to McDonalds today.  I had gone to the bank previously, and when I cashed a check, I got laundry money too.  $4 worth.  Then, a guy asked me for change.  I am assuming you can imagine why that was funny, as I hadn't taken the laundry change out of my pocket to walk through the McDonalds parking lot.

31.  In my last non-sports take before I get to the serious takes, what's the deal with newspaper machines (yup, an indirect Seinfeld reference)?  In all of our new technology, how come I still worry about whether the 1965 lever is going to pull out when I put 3 quarters in?  I know newspaper companies are losing money because of the internet, but those machines are seriously ancient.

32.  Let's get serious.  Three final strong takes.  First, Tiger.  PGA next week, so don't bother me in my personal "kick their ass" Tiger party.  However, let's talk about Bridgestone.  You are telling me that he disses Williams, he hits the ball great, his power is "back," his caddie has the other guy near the top of the leaderboard, and there is NO talk about how the only thing that is off is his distances??  One of the things his caddie is responsible for.  Poor Byron.  Childhood friend of not, this guy gets thrown into a situation that can only be bad.  Stevie would have pulled you back a club or so on those shots.  Case in point.  Par 5, near the end of his round on Saturday, 69 yards away, in the fairway, and he hit it into a BUNKER by 15 feet.  69 yards?  Shit, El Tigre, I am pretty sure I could have given a run for birdie with that lie.  I suck.  Ask the fraternity brother who gave me the Walton photo.  Dude, just win next week so I don't feel stupid for supporting you through all of this shit.  Anyway, your swing looked good.  The soft spikes you switched to this week are putting less stress on your knee with the added torque of your new swing.

33.  Deion and Shannon go into the Hall of Fame.  I had to write this rant tonight, but am missing Shannon's acceptance speech.  I WILL watch it of course, and I can't wait to hear the passion in it.  You are the shit, dude.  You have one guy who redefined the position and made 3000 heterosexual males accidently cheer when you took your shirt off at a Jim Rome tour stop, and you have another guy who QB's just NEVER threw at.  NEVER.  Look up shutdown corner.  It will have a picture of Deion next to it.  Sorry, got sidetracked.  Just thought of the Seinfeld episode when Elaine is lobbying her man's change of name to be Deion.  Anyway, Deion was awesome.  He had the personality of Terrell Owens, but didn't come across as an idiot.  Congrats, gentlemen.

34.  FINALLY.  Because I know you people are SO curious about the new NFL QB rating system, I will break it down.  I realized today I watched an hour special on the system, took notes, and then realized I needed to get a life and go to the park or something (I did, by the way, after the show).  Anyway, here is the breakdown from the efficiency rating we know and love of 158.3, or whatever the hell it is.  This one, you will be glad to know, is 0-100.  Here are the differences.
-each play is hypothetically assigned a point number that the QB should get given the game situation
-game situation matters.  a 3 and 10 gets more points than a 1st and 10.  two quick examples: if Peyton throws an interception at the end of a half, he is credited with risk points, and is not charged for that interception.  If Charlie Batch runs for 4 yds on a 3 and 10 deep in his own territory, he does not get credit for those yards-they are meaningless.
-it takes in account rushes, sacks, fumbles, etc.
-it is based on a credit/ blame system
-if a QB throws a 5 yard pass in the air that goes for an 80 yard touchdown, he does not get as many points.  Screen passes aren't worth as much as a risky bomb.

SO, you take the QB's contributions to all plays of the games, judge them on how many points could optimally be scored, and put it on a 0-100 ranking.  In case you are curious, 75 and above for the season qualifies as MVP status and 65-75 qualifies as Pro Bowl possibility.  Over the last 3 years, go figure, Peyton would be #1 and Brady #2.  They both hovered around 70-78.

MY TAKE-I like it.  This is the only problem I see.  If Tom Brady has a season like a couple years ago and beats the shit out of most teams and sometimes either they run it a lot or is taken out of the ballgame in the fourth because they are so far ahead, he is penalized for not making any 4th quarter passes.  That is my only real complaint.  Seems like a good system.  It is Trent Dilfer's pet project.  That is ironic because he probably has the worst efficiency rating of any QB to win the Super Bowl.

35.  People are looking at my concentration on this computer and are probably scared.  My friends won't come and talk to me.  Time to shut this thing down.  No Taint joke.  Just glad I didn't sneak one past the goalie... you are a hooker.  I am still rooting for you Brady in this whole QB battle even though Orton and Tebow get all of the hype, so I can say "Now I'm Done" a lot more.  Have a great rest of the weekend, people.