062011

The Rant

By The Fillerbuster

062011

Read it, don’t read it, I don’t care…I just have to get some things off my chest…

In no particular order of chronology or importance…

1.       Great job, Rory.  It was a freaking clinic.  I wasn’t really happy about the length of the rough and a couple positions of the flags on certain days, but 17 under is still ridiculous at any US Open.  Plus, if the flags or rough was really THAT weak, someone else would have at least been ballpark.  My point is, though, that second, third, and fourth place scores were still a little low for this major.   Back to Rory though…Mull over this, people.  His 17 under was more under par than the last 10 winners…COMBINED.  The scary thought is you should have both majors now, if not for a final day 80.  Not only did you not fold and look like you had déjà vu, but you shot a 68.  Dude is for real.  I know it is what the media is for, but can you stop on the Tiger comparisons?…at least for right now?  Sure, I accept that he is the most logical candidate for the next ruler of golf.  However, it is not like Tiger is 50 years old or anything.  And, domination or not, it is still one Major victory.  I will reserve judgement until the end of the year at least as far as how good he is going to be.  Two other things about the Open for now (I have a few small takes that I will spread out).  One, it was HOW he did it.  He never was in trouble.  He never teased the water or got behind trees.  If he missed the fairway, it was by a few feet.  He only really had the eagle in the early rounds that was a crazy shot.  Everything else was meticulous.  Everything else was efficient.  It was masterful, no pun intended.  Two, did anyone else notice who was hanging around again?  Jason Day.  Poor kid gets second in two straight majors and is a footnote.

2.       Raheem Brock NFL player got busted for walking on a $27 bar tab.  Evidently, Raheem is misunderstanding the meaning of free-agent (HEY! Cut me a break.  I am just getting warmed up.  YOU try writing over 50 things that are either intelligent sports takes or are attempts at a touch of humor…).

3.       UNC football players have accumulated over 13k in parking tickets over the last few years.  It is kind of an odd mass offense if you ask me.  If it was Temple football players, it would make a little more sense to me, but UNC?  I suppose I am happy though that they did something bad and it wasn’t raping someone, getting shot, stealing, doing drugs, etc.  Something tells me that Terrelle Pryor can parallel park though.

4.       It has been overused, is not that funny, but I still kind of chuckle when TV catches saying “and he puts the lotion in the basket” right as someone’s putt has been hit.

5.       Isner gets Mahut the year after they play 138 games in the final set last year?  Come on.  I won’t bore you with how the Wimbeldon draw is constructed, but it boils down to a .7% chance.  PLUS, they are both unranked, which is also an odd pairing.  Too weird, people.

6.       Have you seen these Kettle One commercials?  I am 38 years old, and I have never instigated, thought about talking them into, or wanted  to do straight vodka with 5 ice cubes as a shot with my 4 closest friends.

7.       If you have not seen John Wall throw out the first pitch the other day, YouTube it.  I understand that a lot of professional athletes do not have the crossover in other sports, but throwing a ball?  I wish his last name was Barn, so then I could say he couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn…anyway.

8.       Is it in the USGA rules that you have to use a white ball?  I think it would show some personality of the golfers.  Favorite color is a start.  If you have a rain delay, we could talk about why a certain golfer has a certain color ball.  Tennis is a polite sport, and they allow backwards hats…

9.       I was sober when watching golf Saturday, and I know I heard a commercial say Nadal’s first name with three syllables.  Which is it?  I thought it was straight forward and two syllables.  Damn.  Put this name on the same list as Nowitzki and Gonzaga.

10.   Interesting path.  Pennington is going to be an analyst for FOX and then make a comeback after his surgery next year.  Has anyone ever done this on purpose before?  I know analysts have done their thing, and then made a comeback, but this is pre-determined.  Interesting.

11.   Chanciest pick in the NBA draft that has an equal chance of being idiotic or genius? Bismack Biyambo.  6’9” with a 7’7” wingspan.  Ridiculous.  One of those “potential” picks.  He will either be Ben Wallace with longer arms or a guy we will be making fun of in rants about three years from now.

12.   How come Sedin didn’t catch more heat for guaranteeing a win and losing?  Maybe he is one of the unknown people who were cutting the fire hoses of the firefighters so they couldn’t put out the fires from the police cars they turned over after they lost a hockey game.  Read that sentence again, please.  Classy.

13.   I am going to write a long take on the NFL talks.  No, I am not.  Newsflash.  You married and guys with girlfriends are still screwed on your failsafe excuse to get out of stuff on Sundays.

14.   Sixx AM is my new favorite band.  Touch of the 80’s, a different sounds than the Crue (Nikki’s main gig), and only 3 guys?  I needed some new workout music and I got it.  Check them out.  Evidently, they have a thing about the word “beautiful” though.  I have heard 6 songs, and they truly have a really good sound.

15.   I actually thought it might only happen if Dallas lost, but luckily I got it anyway.  In you’re the sky is blue and the grass is green category, DeShawn Stephenson got busted for public intoxication.  It really made my day.  It wasn’t as exciting as I hoped before I opened the article, but its mere existence made me chuckle out loud.

16.   I would say the only thing Mark Cuban did wrong during the entire playoff run was try to give his team bracelets instead of rings.  Damn, I would love to play for that guy…if I was hypothetically good enough to play in the NBA of course.

17.   UVA will win the CWS.  Not only is Hultzen the stud of studs, but that walk-off against UC Irvine reminded me of the Mike Miller miraculous last second shot in the first round in 2000.  Sure, the Gators lost to Michigan State in the final game, but it goes to show you that you need some luck too to make that kind of run.  UVA is also an overall #1 seed, not a #5 seed in their region.  This take will take on new life if UVA ends up beating Florida to win it.

18.   I have no take on this, but just so you know, I am very well aware that many of you have told me you read this on the shitter.  It doesn’t bother me, just so you know.

19.   I know this is a repeat take, but I think my apartment complex thinks I like porn.  That is what happens when you have the volume turned up loud with thin walls while watching tennis when Sharapova is playing.

20.   Jagr is returning I hear.  If he makes it and starts doing well, can we please have that Jagermeister commercial I have been dreaming of?  You guys missed the boat in the first go around.

21.   I hated this story, but it must be reported.  I can’t believe this bad luck.  Chris Snyder is recovering from back surgery.  What are the odds that a road rage incident would happen to his wife when he can’t move out of the passenger seat?  That sucks.

22.   I don’t write for ESPN.  However, when you report a story about Shaq’s sex tape and gangs, can you at least propose a new nickname for him?  I don’t have any mind blowing ideas (plus, I used my obviously reaching, crappy joke in take #2), but come on.  Bring something to the table. The "Big...??"

23.   Harry Potter something Part 2 is out now.  Yes, this is also a repeat take, but how brilliant?  Instead of officially ending the series that apparently everyone except for me has seen, why not have a Part 2 of the final installment.  Lucas still has you beat, writing Part 4 as your initial installment, but Sugar Ray Leonard would be proud.  No, I am not going to explain that joke for you.

24.   It is a shame Clijsters is not in Wimbledon.  Does anyone else remember when women’s tennis was on top?  Remember Hingis, the Predator sisters, Davenport, Capriati, Sharapova, etc.?  Now, it is more like a disabled list.  The guys have Federer, Nadal, Djokovic, and an occasional appearance by Andy Murray, but this Wozniacki (I think I spelled it wrong tonight) chick (no, I have no problem with her looks either-I am talking about tennis) is not doing it for me.  By the way, give me Federer and Venus for the winners.  Federer is going to listen to Warren G pre-match and Regulate this shit.  Do that, and the US Open is very interesting. 

25.   I can’t look this up while writing, but did I read there are 35 bowl games this year?  Aren’t there 120 teams total?  If I hadn’t cured my gambling problem (well, at least sports games on a daily basis), can I bet on whether SW Missouri State makes a bowl game this year?

26.   Why is it so cool when you hear a cuss word on TV during a sporting event?  Celebration or not, I smiled when I clearly heard Recchi say “fucking right!” on air.

27.   I love playoff hockey.  Seriously.  But when Boston went up 2-0 early, and then like 2 minutes later went up 4-0, it became a boring hockey game, except for the fact that it was a game 7.  What a weird series. Hey, Robert, Marino is still living off Ace Ventura residual checks.  Hit him up.

28.   Check out the video where the weird dude in a DBacks jersey literally tears a ball from a chick in the stands.  Classic.

29.   While you are at it, check out Dirk singing We are the Champions at the parade.  That is the best I can lead you to.  Marion had actual dance moves and Brian Cardinal refused to dance.

30.   I might be alone, but I personally can’t wait to see the fallout of the Tyler Hamilton/ Lance Armstrong Aspen incident.  Seriously, I so wish I was there to see it.

31.   You would think I would watch sports when I write this, but Family Guy actually gives me more inspiration.

32.   The whole rioting in Vancouver thing got weirder when 7 people turned themselves in.  I don’t have a take and don’t know what to think of those people.  Cutting fire hoses one night and then being moral the next.  Make up your freaking mind.

33.   Pujols goes down and Joe Mauer comes back.  Thank you, Joe.  We miss you.  I am sure there is a Roddy Piper joke in here somewhere but my wording is off. Something about tagging out.   I will move on.

34.   Hey, Tyree is against gay marriage.  Dude, just remember you have the greatest catch in NFL Super Bowl history, and either get better, or shut up.

35.   I wonder when Jeter comes off the DL and hits number 3000 if he will take the bus to the next few games.  No, I am not going to explain that joke either.  My jokes are dumb enough, so some of my sports takes have to pick up the slack.

36.   Before Cleveland finally announced they are taking Irving at #1, I was SO hoping they would take Kanter or Williams.  Thay way, Minnesota could draft Irving and then have like 10 point guards.  In a related story, Matt Millen has announced he will take over as GM of the Minnesota Timberwolves next year.  Matt, in case you catch wind of this rant, the joke relates point guards to wide receivers.  All point guard jokes aside, this kid Rubio is the real deal, and he is coming to the NBA.  Think of a more athletic, faster, more flashy Jacque Vaughn…because he ironically can’t shoot either.  But I will still watch him play…

37.   Hey, Cliff Harris.  118 mph? Dude, when the media talks about your Oregon’s team speed, that is not what they are talking about.

38.   Did anyone catch Henry Kissinger on Colbert Report?  Awesome.  That show is so funny, but the interview put him in my top 20 of people I would like to have a couple beers with.  Crazy week in my top 20, because10-10-220 () Frederick Jacobsen came in at #19 also this week.  Dude just looks like he has some stories.

39.   Hey, Cleveland.  No one in about 25 years has had 2 picks in the top 4.  Either make a good trade or choose very carefully.  If you choose right, and if LeBron keeps looking mortal and bored in the playoffs, you could have the last laugh in about 5-6 years.

40.   Listen.  I like FUN stories.  The Mets and Dodgers ownership are in the news, but it doesn’t intrigue me.  Maybe I will evolve and make ownership rights jokes, but for now I will stick to the obvious or funny stories.

41.   I get sad and lonely after the NBA and NHL playoffs are done.  Is it bad that I am excited for the MLB trading deadline?

43.   Robert Garrigus’s 28 inch putter is awesome.  I SO wanted him to be more in the mix so he could tell stories how he got interested in golf after a killer putt-putt round in Spain.  I bet he got that bonus round when he hit it in the clown’s mouth.  Damn you, Robert.  I have never done that.

44.   Bad joke time (can we at least pretend like my last 43 were ok?).  A Nevada WR got a bullet in the abdomen this week at a bar.  That is quite a shot in the gut for a program that ruined Boise’s title run.

45.   CALBERT CHEANEY SIGHTING! He is back at IU as the Director of Basketball Operations.  I am not sure how you didn’t make it, but I am glad you are back where you belong.  There are about 50 players in the NBA who I have no idea why they have a job, and Calbert Cheaney didn’t make it?

46.   Gary Carter.  Get better, man.  You have a lot of stuff going on.  That ’86 run was still one of the best sports stories of the eighties.  If the Phils would have won it in the early nineties with Kruk and Dykstra, that is the only bunch that could top your mix of personalities.

48.   I have never watched the show, but let me ask you people about “The Voice.”  If the concept is that you don’t see the person’s face while they are singing (I got that from the commercials), then how does the show continue after you hear each singer sing?  Since you know their face and voice now, isn’t that like having a successful Superman movie when everyone knows his identity?  What is the point?  Doesn’t it just revert to an “American Idol” copy?

49.   So the concert I went to the other night was some dude who sold out Red Rocks who apparently is known by everyone but me. Ray Lemontagne.   He was solid.  I describe him as a bluesy, vest wearing John Mayer, whatever that means.  He was good.  He kept changing guitars after EVERY song.  I have no idea why he stands on the far right side of his band, but at least I know who sings the song from my favorite commercial with the dog who keeps losing sleep on where he puts his bone.  It is a commercial for that umbrella company…something about peace of mind.  The song is Trouble.

50.   Did anyone notice a lot more people at the US Open wearing red shirts?  No Tiger, and everyone breaks out that shirt that’s been gathering dust in their walk-in closet.

52.   McKeon, 80, is hired as the Marlins manager. Dumb?  I think not.  You sure as hell don’t need to worry about long term contracts or leaving for a better gig with this guy.

53.   Red Bull is leaving NASCAR.  I am sure there is a “wings” and turning right joke in there somewhere, but I have no energy to go that route.

54.   Families were fined for having lemonade stands on their property on the edges of the US Open.  Really?  I pray to God when I get selected in August for my Masters tickets that there are stand (with booze) in Augusta.

55.     More proof that for some reason us guys like the Discovery channel.  I stopped my day last week to watch a polar bear special on Animal Planet.  They had Iceberg cam, Ball cam, etc.  It was very mesmorizing in the middle of a day with a hangover.

56.   I didn’t get to the Heat/ Mavs fallout, the 8 year old kickboxing chick, the ship that will have the Mich St. UNC game next year, DeShon Marman and his saggy shorts, NHL head shots, the Chiefs TE who saved a 6 year old, and my pole position idea, but you understand…and your shit is probably about done anyway…peace.

57.  Oh.  and Taint...you are a hooker...