The Rant
061211
By the Fillerbuster
Read it, don’t read it, I don’t care…I just need to get some things off my chest…
In no particular order of anything…
1) Nadal / Federer once again was SO worth waking up at 645am after a night of drinking to watch. I had a private party. The match was so high quality that I started drinking screwdrivers, which totally jacked up the rest of my day of course. Anyway, here’s the deal. I have seen every Federer-Nadal Grand Slam final. Nadal simply owns clay. One of Federer’s strengths is attacking the net. He will be known as one of the best of all time because he can also groundstroke with the best. However, Federer’s attacking philosophy simply doesn’t work on clay because a ground-stroker like Nadal has too much time to set up a passing shot. Plain and simple. Clay slows the game down enough that the athleticism, strategy, groundstrokes, and preciseness of Nadal shows much more clearly. Which makes Nadal’s grass victories look even more impressive. Mary Carillo said it right. Federer was on his way of being the best of all time, and now he might not even be the best of THIS time. It is a shame these guys aren’t the same age-it would be the tennis version of Magic-Bird…or as Michael Wilbon would say-Earvin-Bird. STOP CALLING HIM EARVIN, Michael!
2) I am so happy that Marc Jackson will be an NBA coach. The fact that he hasn’t decked Jeff Van Gundy during a television game means he has patience. People forget he is #3 all time in steals. He has been to a Finals. He knows the deal. He talks very intelligently as an announcer (not like Hubie Brown, but still ok) with just a “touch of street.”
3) I love the relationship between Jason Terry and Dirk. Those guys are total opposites who just seem to gel. Because except for his game, Dirk does not have the “touch of street.” Yes, I evidently just started liking that phrase. Pay it forward. We will see E-Harmony commercials with someone saying “He is perfect for me. I wanted a mature successful man with just a touch of street.”
4) Class act move of the week. Texas Rangers selected Jonathan Taylor in the 13th round. JT is partially paralyzed. Then, to add to that story, they drafted the teammate he ran into that paralyzed him. Houston copied and did the same thing with someone else. Point is that I think that is freaking awesome.
5) Terrelle Pryor was playing golf 3-4 times a week with someone he wasn’t supposed to before coming to OSU? Come on, people. Keep digging. There has to be hookers, guns, or drugs somewhere in there, right? Then, I can bring my Marcus Vick jokes back out…
6) And good for you, Maurice Clarett…you saw an opening to get back in the news…Thanks, Einstein, for letting us know that it is the athletes’ fault and not the school’s. Hey, was it your fault or the school’s that you were a dumbass and went pro too early? What did you run, a 4.6? Dude, I could have pulled that after a fraternity party in college.
7) I will watch every second of the US Open, and I will enjoy it. It just won’t be the same without my womanizing boy though…
8) The Seinfeld with Melrose Place was on the other day. If I had to rank Jerry’s ladies, she easily is number one for…you are waiting for me to make a comment about her looks, but she is actually #1 for bad acting. Horrible. True, I was watching hoping she could lose the police uniform, but instead I just was irritated by her bad acting. As far as the Melrose Place part, I watched the show. I did. I was addicted. I am not sure I liked it as much as I just considered it studying just in case I wanted to hit on two girls talking about Melrose Place. I was drunk most of college, and didn’t put it together that some chicks would actually think less of me for liking the show and being a dude. It does remind me of going with one of the better ideas I have heard. My fraternity brothers and I went to UVA beach weeks in Myrtle Beach. The week happened to hit the final episodes of Melrose and 90210 (yes, people, if you like one, then you get hooked on the other-mandatory). We decided to get a keg for the finales and told everyone and their mother about how we were having a 90210/ Melrose party. It sounds really dumb, but ratio did not. Most of our guy friends dissed it because of the unmanly nature of the party. But the chicks? PLENTY of them showed up. Brilliant idea whichever one of my fraternity brothers had it. I guess it could have been me, but don’t recollect it enough to show any ownership of it.
9) A Loyola High School pole-vaulter lost his track team the state title when he went on a profanity tirade after a jump. I can’t imagine him being the toughest guy on the team. No word on how the locker room afterwards turned out.
10) Floyd Mayweather is fighting in September. Before you start training, can you do another YouTube clip? That was classic. Not only do you find ways to duck the guy who can take you, but your rants on tape make mine look like Emily Dickinson.
11) Alex Smith has not been given the starting job yet for this year. Is the media just copying and pasting stories from the last 5 years? I want the job of following that story. It would be like having an email template in sales…copy, paste, copy paste….
12) True. I am guilty of not seeing many movies that the public seems to like. Twlight comes to mind. Harry Potter. Anyway, I will never understand why The Score is not everyone’s top ten movies ever. I love that flick. At least Rounders has the excuse of being about poker and gambling, which some people don’t get, but cops, robbers, treasure, heists, and robbery? With three of the greatest actors in the last 50 years. Come on, people.
13) USC is stripped of the their title a couple years ago in football. Stop cheating, people. You guys are totally fucking up my memorization of all titles of all sports which I do at bars when I have interested people and some free time.
14) Does DeShawn Stephenson’s haircut bother anyone except for me? You are like the poor man’s, shooting guard version of Gary Payton with bad hair. Is he waiting for the next A-Team movie to start shooting? Aren’t you just not good enough to talk as much shit as you do? That is like Brian Cardinal saying Dwight Howard is soft.
15) When Plaxico Burress pulls a joke on April Fool’s day, does he tell the person he is just “shooting their leg?”
16) Vick hopes Burress uses him as an example in his comeback. In a related story, Plaxico bought a poodle. Fact is, people, he will have a job. Not many 6’4” receivers out there who haven’t been hit in the last couple years. Sorry, one more joke. I think he should go to Chicago, so when Jay throws to him across the middle, he can say “wow, Jay, that was a bullet.”
17) If you haven’t seen the Le Mans crash that Allan McNish walked away from this weekend, check it out.
18) Maybe it is because I wish I was there. Maybe it is because I am a retired bettor (except for within Las Vegas city limits of course). Maybe it is because we never had a horse on my farm. However, I could care less about the Belmont when a horse is not trying to win the Triple Crown. It is on right now, and I am listening to Dr. Dre with the TV muted.
19) Speaking of Dre (Kush is my favorite hip hop song of the year thus far), listen to the 20 Sac Pyramid on Chronic for a blast from the past. Hilarious. “Uhhh…I know Doc. Dre goes through my music and shit…ooooh…I know. Things niggers be saying to get the pussy!”
20) Don’t worry, I am saving my long NBA Finals take until the end in case you don’t like bball and want to quit reading.
21) FIVE Mexican players are kicked off team for cocaine. FIVE? Wow. Do they sit around and watch the movie “Blow” pregame?
22) OK. I am confused. I am older, but I remember when a comic book movie was coming out and we were excited to find out who got the lead role. Who will be the new Superman? Who will be the next Batman? What the hell is going on? Some dude have never seen in my life is Thor. Ryan Reynolds is Green Lantern? Maybe, I am out of the loop and missed a couple new shows or movies he was in, but to me, he is the guy from “Waiting.”
23) I love the Durant commercial with the James Brown song in the background. If I have enough to drink while I am watching the game, I immediately put in White Men Can’t Jump afterwards to watch the scene where it is in the background.
24) Red Sox sweep the Yankees. The rivalry to me is in a lull. I know it will be stronger as the season goes on, but I am personally less interested. I think some of the player defections brought down my interest. It is amazing how some rivalries are inborn and some are player driven. Think about the Wings/ Avs. Once all of those guys were gone, it settled down. And I know. I live in Colorado.
25) I have no take on this. Titans WR Britt is arrested again. I didn’t even open the article. Either do something really bad to catch my attention, or get good enough at football that I care.
26) A couple weeks ago, a headline caught my eye. The NFL parties were having covert talks in Chicago. I am sure I could make this longer, funnier, etc., but let’s keep it simple. If it is covert, how the hell am I reading about it??
27) The SF Giants are getting a little hot. God forbid if that team could hit. They would have an “x” next to their name in the standings in late July.
29) When I went to UVA, 50 people attended baseball games (so I hear-I don’t even know where the baseball stadium was on the campus). Now, we are #1 and I actually watched the game today. SEE? We realized our problem. Instead of teasing us at being good at basketball or football, we have put all of our resources in tennis and baseball now, along with the usual lacrosse and soccer of course.
30) You are telling me I am single, no kids, pets, etc. and can do whatever I want on weekends, and they are talking about a strike shortened NFL season????? DUDE! Figure this shit out. What the hell am I going to do on Sundays?
31) Lenny Dykstra is busted for drug theft weeks after it comes out he tried to break someone out of rehab? He is like opposite of Chris Speilman. Two of the most intense gamers of their time at their games. Chris has a family, and has adapted to normal life. Dykstra is doing….other stuff.
32) It came up in conversation the other day when discussing Kevin Durant. Here is my quick, improv ranking of the best shooters for me in the last twenty years. I will go Chris Mullin, Reggie Miller, Kevin Durant, Ray Allen, Mitch Richmond, and Del Curry.
33) Facebook. I have had like 7 straight things on my wall posted where I have to open an app. STOP! I don’t want to see if you answered questions about me right, unlocked past secrets, play Mafia Wars, play that freaking farm game, or poke back. I am only on there out of spite for Taint initially. And stop posting “What a crappy day outside…think I will just do some laundry.”
34) Barkley says Heat fans suck. Dude. I LOVE you. Trust me. I love your style. Couldn’t you pick on Minnesota fans, Toronto fans, or some other cold place? I know you don’t have the beach body going on, but it is a pretty fancy, beachy city. I am sure they have plenty of golf courses down there also. Choose your battles.
35) Listen. I suppose I could actually read the entire story to have a legitimate take on this. I just saw Placido Domingo and something about being hired by FIFA and started laughing. At least this being in the news gives Diego Maradona another reason to get on the wire. You HAVE to Diego. Pete Rose is in Sporting News this week. It is you and him until Jennifer Capriati gets busted for drugs or something or Strawberry goes back into rehab.
36) There is a lot of Tommy John Surgery going around. It is a catchy name, but didn’t the surgeon who invented it kind of get screwed over? The guy goes to medical school for like 20 years, and they name the surgery after the player he fixed? Good luck, Joba. I hear Jamie Moyer is trying to come back from it. In a related note, Phil Niekro won his comeback in AA the other day at age 65. Side note…It reminds me of Dennis Leary’s Lou Gehrig joke. He impersonates Babe Ruth talking about Lou, saying how do you not see that one coming. “I told Lou, there is a disease with your name ALL over it.”
37) My new favorite thing is cold water out of cones. Like at a golf course. If the water is really cold, I have to say I enjoy the water so much more out of those little cones. I am excited because my new gym has a cooler with cones right next to it. I go to the locker room in the middle of my workout to get one of those bad boys. Except, on the weekends, if I drank the night before, my hands are sometimes shaky and I spill the water.
38) Obama chestbumps the Auburn coach in his visit to the White House. The Prez loves basketball. Try to chestbump Dirk, buddy. It might get dicey in the photograph.
39) I had a choice. I am pretty clean in my life on reality shows. I got sucked into the first season of Apprentice because they strategically put it between Friends and ER. Evil. I got to know the characters. You get to know them, and you are done. It is like a vacuum. I have dodged them all except for one. The other night, I got home from the gym and the first episode was just starting. I had that definitive moment. I could turn the channel and probably never care. But I watched. Now, I have like 10 weeks of living my life around this shit. And I don’t believe in TIVO since that bum yelled out “Arkansas got run!” after an entire night of not getting in sports conversations at work and then finding out the end of the Arkansas-UNLV game in 1991.
40) Foxsports.com ranked the best Nascar fighters. Seriously? Can you guys go a week with trying to write intelligent articles about sports? Your site is the reason why I think I still can be famous in sports writing. You suck. I only go on your site to find out things about how Bret Lockett apparently had an affair with Kim Cardashian. Kris Humphreys is stuck in central Jersey playing basketball for a horrible team. No need to add insult to injury, yo. (Sorry, Rounders line)
41) I stubbed my toe the other day. It doesn’t sound funny in itself, but why it was so painful IS kind of funny. Here goes…I was in my favorite little bar in Littleton once night drinking PBR’s and Jager. The owner comes up to say hello. I had sandals on. He comes up and his shoe gets my toenail on the big toe. The nail almost totally comes off. It starts bleeding as it is just hanging there by a thread. Someone brings me a cocktail napkin like when I needed stitches at a Phish concert and a guy brings me a grilled cheese sandwich and a tiny napkin. That is another great story that I call The Leaf Predator,” but I digress. I drink more and go home. I decide that if I scotch tape the nail to me toe, it will reconnect. I do it. I wake up the next day knowing it was a bad idea, but can’t really undo the deed obviously. A week goes by, and I have to go to Urgent Care. We debate for 20 minutes if I need drugs to numb it. I initially say no, scream when they attempt it, and then find out the irony. To numb it, I needed 4 shots at the end of my toe. I screamed all four times. It numbs, they rip it off, and now I have this weird trying-to-grow toenail. I still wear sandals constantly. I realize my feet are horrible looking, and at least will leave the scotch tape on the shelf if someone happens to take off my toenail again. One of my openers when I hit on a chick should be if they have a foot fetish. You think Seinfeld not kissing his lady because brushed her teeth with a toothbrush that fell in the toilet? I would draw the line on a girl who tried to suck my toes. The torn rotator cuff I have from the same guy was totally my fault though. A tall guy who boxes should not ever drink enough to think he can out-wrestle a short ex-wrestler.
42) There is a harmless story. Next Rant, I might pull out my Tyson (him going in Boxing Hall of Fame reminded me of story) Tokyo Massage Parlor Story. I have told it to some of you while out and about, but have never tried to write it…maybe…
43) This NHL series is awesome. Except for finding out whether Luongo becomes the next Dan Marino, I have no interest in it. Check it out. Good stuff. How the hell did two brothers end up on the same team by the way? Seriously? There are FOUR Staal brothers, and NONE of them are on the same team.
44) I am the only person in the world who owns a Nate Dogg solo CD AND cares about every trade in the NBA. I read the whole article about how Iguadola and Kaman might switch teams. I don’t know what that correlation is, but there has to be a joke there somewhere.
45) I honestly don’t know anything about the “bite” by the Canucks player. I saw the Tyson bite as it happened, and personally don’t think any bite story can ever top that surrealism.
46) Did anyone catch what word won the National Spelling Bee? Seriously. It is not a take, and I don’t care that much, but I am always curious on what word they chose as the final word. I remember “impressing” chicks in 2nd grade by spelling that antidisestablish…and super… word.
47) Dos Santos and Carwin fought the other night. It was a big fight for MMA. I shouldn’t say anything more on this. I don’t know. My last memory of MMA is watching Gracie win for the second time in a row…a LONG time ago…Hey, I wonder if any foe of any beaten opponent of Gracie ever had to have Tommy John surgery?
48) Along with my “why don’t you focus and text me” line, I am now 3 for 4 on the “drop off” move. I wait until last call, say I am sorry we didn’t meet earlier in the night, and drop off my number on a napkin. It removes the whole awkward “talking” stage.
49) There is trouble at WVU. I might live in a bubble, but all I know about WVU football is Pat White, Steve Slaton, and that guy Major Harris who lost in the championship game in the early nineties. Hey, Michael Wilbon, if I get Major Harris on PTI, will you call him Major?
50) My buddy and I were joking that I am coming up on my “only time to meet a girl” time. Think about it. I live my life by a sports schedule. Once the NHL and NBA finals are done, I have a bubble. I can actually talk to a girl without saying halftime is over. This take would be longer, and it is true, but luckily I have no interest in meeting anyone.
51) This is a repeat take, but I am always amazed by how intelligent every single hockey interview sounds.
52) It is a repeat take, but I still watch hockey and will just watch the referees sometimes. How the hell do they stay out of the way?
53) Finally, the NBA should take something from hockey. Getting thrown in the penalty box for “embellishing” is freaking brilliant. I would love to see players get t-d up because they flopped.
54) US Soccer lost to Panama? If they go on a huge run from here out and Freddy Adu suddenly starts playing like he is supposed to since I read about him when he was 8 years old, I will assume they are playing track 3 off of 1984 pregame.
55) NBA…Where do I start? Realize I could write a take as long as this rant already on this subject, but I will try and ramp it down. Interesting point. Am I happy more because the Heat lost or because the Mavs won? I don’t know what the answer is. LeBron should be calling Dan Marino today to meet for some beers. Something tells me that a little conversation with him will make him play a little more proactively and intense if he gets to the finals. Dude, where is the look? You know. I am talking about the look Jordan had when he was up by 15 points. He was angry he wasn’t up by 30 and played to make that happen. You do not have that foot on the other player’s throat look. You passed the ball in the fourth quarter like a hot potato. The last thing you wanted was the rock. I would rather have the media rip me the next day after a loss because I was a ball hog then because I was too passive, well at least if people argued at bars if I might become the greatest ever. You are 8 years in, dude. I know Michael got a late start also, but winning 6 titles in 8 years was pretty much an awesome run…and the only reason for the missing two was because he watched a few too many baseball games in his off time. LeBron. There were at least 4 times I busted you in the final game for playing passive defense. Aren’t you supposed to be a defensive badass also? You think you can win a ring without doing great things? You think Jason Terry got a tattoo on his bicep because he didn’t really care? You think an unguardable, game changing shooting 7 footer doesn’t want to cement his legacy? You don’t think Jason Kidd was kind of pissed for losing his only two trips? You think Peja didn’t want to…nevermind. Let’s talk about next year, LeBron. Before you block off the end of next June in your Outlook calendar, let me remind you that Durant is shooting right now, Derrick Rose is in the gym late night, Chris Paul is thinking about his “taking my talents to…,” Dwight Howard is working on a skyhook (why the HELL doesn’t someone bring that back-if the leading scorer of all time had a signature shot, I think I might give it a run), etc. It will NOT be easy. Think about this, people. You think Jason Kidd will even debate retiring when he remembers that CARON BUTLER will be back next year. Let’s throw that guy into a mix with NBA champions, and I am worried around the league. They won with their second best player on the bench. Another thing. Unfortunately, I only have people at bars who were probably just pretending to listen to me as my witnesses, and I am not saying they won’t win one, but I said from the get-go this wasn’t going to work. Wade and LeBron are not complimentary players. They are both slashers. They are redundant except for the fact that they are freaks of nature on the court. Let me explain this more. If Chris Paul forms a dream team in NY, I understand it. You have a shoot second point guard, playing with a 3 and 4/5 that are offensive badasses. The match makes sense. LeBron and Wade may be friends and want to play with each other. That is great, guys. But this match is like a person on E-Harmony saying they talk a lot, and going on a date with another person who likes to talk a lot. It doesn’t make sense. Another point. Hey, LeBron. Michael didn’t start shooting from outside until after he realized he couldn’t dunk on everyone whenever he wanted. He also practiced that shot and made sure it was ready. Dude, YOU CAN STILL DUNK OVER EVERYONE. Stop pulling up every time. Your shot is great, but dunking is higher percentage. By the way, Rick Carlisle is a UVA guy. He was also on that 1986 Boston championship team. I think when teams are hiring coaches, they should just take people who have won a championship and who also hardly played when they won it. Take guys 6-10 on every championship team since 1980 and bring them in for interviews. Another thing. LeBron is starting to become the opposite of Claude Lemieux. Lemieux was known for being subpar during the season and then stellar in the playoffs. LeBron is doing the opposite. You averaged 8.9 pts less than the regular season. That is a lot, man. Besides having an excuse of playing a better team in 2007, disappearing in game 4 last year, and last night, I don’t think you have it dude. I could write about this forever. I will stop. I might have more on this next week.
56) Wow, the Bruins are unstoppable at home. Vancouver is an enigma. I haven’t seen a team in a long time that looks SO good when they are on, and SO bad when they are off.
57) Things might get interesting for me in the fall. I have found a local bar that I love. I love everything about it. I help people open on Sundays sometimes after church (nice balance, aye?). However, I found out a while back that it is also a Nebraska bar. I have been told that that is one of the prime spots in Denver for Husker football watching. Hmmm. My hooker ex is a Nebraska fan. Saturdays should be interesting…. See you in a couple months, bitch.
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