062411...NBA Draft Analysis included

In no order of chronology or order of importance...

1.  What a freaking great story.  Cheesy, but wholesome.  The Morris twins are born 7 minutes apart out of their mother's womb.  Then, they become superstar basketball players and both go to Kansas.  The NBA draft comes along.  They get drafted HOW LONG apart??? 7 minutes...and some change.  Don't ruin the story by breaking this down into seconds.
2.  I hear this cult starting that there is supposed to be only one space after a period when you are typing.  You can't do this shit.  I am in my 30's, people.  There are rules you can change and rules you can't.  What sucks is I think about it when I involuntarily put the two spaces there.  Anyone have Kareem's phone number?  I want to know what the hell he did when they changed the rules and told him he couldn't dunk.  We can talk a lot about statues and sky hooks.  I wish it was the Wilt Chamberlain rule.  And, of course, I wish he was still alive.  Then, I could listen to him convince me he wasn't Bill Russell's bitch and he could tell me about hookers.
3. USC ex WR Lonnie White has come out and said he made 14k while at USC.  Listen, this all entertaining, but can some successful USC player come out and tell us money stories?  Are you guys hurting for cash or something?  Mike Webster lived in his car after he retired and I didn't hear any bitching from him.  You and that other dude (it was Ray something, but I forget his last name...and Ray Guy, get out of my head.  Punters were covered in the last rant) stop talking...or change your name to something that Ochocinco or Metta World Peace would envy.
4.  I might start another blog.  I don't have enough time to cover Ron Artest in this column.  Metta World Peace?  Chad at least pulls his jersey number and you pull that?  I can't keep track of you, bro.  I admit it.  Diego Maradona and Dwight Gooden are sitting around a coffee table brainstorming on names to change to right now.  Was there a brick in that concession stand cup that was thrown at you, Ron?  Dude, you are a stud on defense.  You got your ring.  Be like a TV show and go on hiatus.
5.  Roddick just got eliminated from Wimbledon.  No.  I am saving the grass is green joke just in case I need it.  How can you not be better?  I appreciate you at least not teasing us anymore by making the finals these days.  It hurts my head to think about how many tournaments you blazed all of the early rounds and then looked like you were Justin Verlander pitching both games of a double header after a complete game.  I still remember you saying that YOU wanted to be known as ARod back in the day.  Your backwards hat was adorable, your game is strong, but you have to win some shit before asking for a nickname.  I will call you Coco from now on and Nadal T-Bone.  No.  I will not explain that joke.
6.  The Nike enterprise is a success, to put it lightly.  However, is their marketing team having a contest of who can use the least amount of letters for their slogan.  "Just do it" was back in the day.  Now, you are getting press for your "Get High" slogan.  I want to play you bastards at Scrabble.  I just chuckled out loud when I wrote bastards.  It is a Seinfeld thing.
7.  Two recruiting takes.  Yes.  I actually read all of them.  Not only do I have a natural affinity to lists in general, but I want to know who is coming up.  Virginia was ranked by rivals higher than Virginia Tech in football recruit rankings.  People.  This is news.  We use to be good at basketball AND football.  We had a basketball team that came within a half of Arkansas of making me eat Ramen for the next 2 years.  We had a football team who traditionally started 6-0 and ended up 7-4.  At least the Va Tech game was a game we could win.  Maybe the tide is turning in both sports. Because as Dennis Leary once said, "you got to have goals."
8.  2nd recruiting take.  What the FUCK is Calipari doing to recruit these kids?  If there isn't a story about money allegations or sexual favors in the next 10 years against him, I will go on eBay with all of my savings to bid for a dinner with him.  What the hell does he say?  He loses players every year, jacks up my bracket annually by either overachieving or underachieving, and has the...ready?...#2, #3, #5, and #22 recruits...IN THE LAND.  You have to be freaking kidding me.  2,3,5,22?  Recruiting at Kentucky is not exactly like MacGyver making a bomb out of an ink pen, bamboo shoot, and cologne, but that is ridiculous.
9.  So, I just watched UVA take out their pitcher after he got 8 strikeouts in the first 9 batters.  Then South Carolina scored twice to take the lead.  I am not rich.  I only have one TV.  However.  Hypothetically, if I did have two TV's, my entire next take would be on how I threw something and broke my "other" TV.  Moving on.
10.  This is the broken TV honorary take.
11.  I hope I am right about the tide turning, because I just reread my last take and realized how suddenly passionate I am about sports like soccer, lacrosse, and baseball.  UVA brainwashed me.  I feel like I am in the sports version of Matrix or Men in Black or something.  Dammit.  I had the joke at the tip of my tongue and let it go.  Sorry.
12.  Speaking of Matrix, I had an interesting conversation yesterday.  Here it is.  The grass is green, the sky is blue, and Keanu Reeves is a bad actor.  We all agree.  I would worry about doing an intervention if someone said with a straight face that he was.  However, I talked with a movie guy who HATED him.  HATED.  He hated Keanu possibly more than I hate the band The Eagles.  No.  That would be impossible.  Anyway, he has never seen The Matrix.  I told him he needed to.  It didn't win any Oscars, but it is like if you had to rank two roles that were made for Mr. Reeves, it would be Bill and Ted's and Matrix.  Watchable movie.  I then walked out of the room and realized I just defended Keanu Reeves and felt a little silly.  Especially since I compared it to the Star Wars progression.  You know.  First one is both 4 and 5 while Luke learns how to be a Jedi.  Then in Matrix Reloaded and Return of the Jedi, they both come out and you are going..."yeah...he is a badass now..."
13.  Nugent-Hopkins was the number one NHL pick.  I have no take on this, except I wish I had some hyphenated name.  I think it would be cool.
14.  The NBA draft was in Newark NJ this year.  I didn't even care about their experience at the draft, I am just glad everyone made it to their cars in one piece.
15.  OK.  I PROMISED I would make these things shorter.  So, Although I was going to break down the whole draft, I am going to test myself and give one line analysis for the first 15 picks.

SPEED VERSION (some jokes, some notes):
Irving-Cavs...correct pick, and you need someone passing to those guys who can't shoot.  I hope the cliche is right...he makes others better
Williams-Wolves...too slow to guard a 3, too short to guard a 4.  More proof that a good run in the tourney gets you noticed.  I like him as a personality though.  He is like a polite Charles Barkley
Kanter-Jazz...I see his name and just think about what if he was on the floor when Kentucky ruined my bracket.
Thompson-Cavs...This guy is a player.  I like this pick to pair with Irving.
Valanciunas-Raptors...The camera panned off him luckily before he cussed in a foreign tongue. Something about a dead end and Toronto...
Vesely-Wizards...Impressed that he knew who Blake Griffin was and impressed by the hotness of his chick.  My only concern is if he carries a gun to protect her.
Byambo-Kings...It is like Cousin's mom said to him the other day.  "How can anyone not like you?" (Seinfeld reference and Cousins joke-pay attention)
Knight-Pistons...You got him this late?  Who cares what position he plays and the fact that you just tapped Stuckey in the nuts?
Walker-Bobcats...Hello, Kemba.  I also won an NCAA championship.  Sit your ass down.
Fredette-Bucks...If Jennings wasn't a joker before, he is now.  Tell jokes, Brandon, and bring back the Kid n Play hairdo.
Thompson-Warriors...I have nothing to say.  Who?  Why? Where? What?
Burks-Jazz...GREAT pick.  Hey, people before them, you are idiots.
Morris-Suns...When they play Houston, we will REALLY test his court vision.  Damn, I forgot about the different color uniform thing. I hate it when I start a joke and then realize it won't work.
Morris-Rockets...Seriously, an adorable story. 7 minutes.
Leonard-Pacers...You, Jimmer, and Kemba can compete for coolest first name, but I would take you for my team...kind of confused what position you will play since Granger already has the 3 and is an All-Star, but that is why I am just a blogger.

16.  I am stopping.  See?  I am getting shorter in these things.  Taint...yeah you...who me...yeah you...get out of my car...and you are a hooker.