Read it, don't read it, I don't care...just needed to get some things off my chest.
In no particular order of chronology or importance...
Yes. I just did one Monday (somehow I don't think I will run into a lack of verbiage or lack of material problem because of the short "blog week"), but my best friend (or as I like to call him, my best man at my almost-wedding) is coming in town tomorrow for the weekend. It is all about beers, sports, and Seinfeld once he arrives. Oh, and I will show him Denver also. (Plus, the Steelers play tomorrow, but we will say it is because he is town. SHHH. Don't tell Scott)
1) Live report to start out. I am watching this fantastic Florida-Arizona basketball game. I think of a couple things.
-Florida is really testing the theory of guards getting you through the brackets in March. They will frequently play 4 guards on the floor at one time. Or, as I like to call it, the "mid-2000's Villanova" concept. That is not derogatory. They got a Final Four out of it.
-Bradley Beal from Florida will be a household name for college basketball fans by the end of the year, and be simply a household name after he goes into the draft after his second year and plays two years in the NBA. Book it.
-Arizona would be plain top scary had Derrick Williams came back.
-Arizona has the #1 recruiting class right now for next year. Sean is building that program back up. Shame he has to wait twenty years for people to forget about Lute and might at some point have to recruit some kid named Miles...just because.
-Florida has a top flight recruit named Braxton Ogbueze coming in next year to replace any of the 4 PG's they have playing right now. Kid is a player. And, evidently, he can take one of four position spots.
2) Chris Paul. He wants to go to the Knicks. I get that. That was a sky is blue take from a year back for you old school readers. That being said, he is not in charge of the trade that occurs. Dude. Whisper in some ears. The Celtics are backing off, the Warriors won't give your team Curry even in your dreams, and you are being toyed around with the Clippers. Uhhh. Chris. How about me and you chat for a second. This is my third straight rant with a Seinfeld bubble boy reference, and I realize that, but have you been hanging out with Donald too much to see this guy...ummm...oh yeah...BLAKE GRIFFIN play? The history might not be great, and Madison Garden sounds fancier, but remember. The Knicks haven't won anything since Bill Bradley was on the team. You know. The ex-Senator from Jersey. You don't know him? How about this? It has been a LONG time for the Knicks also. Do it, dude.
3) Heisman invites are out. Griffin is the trendy pick. Still not good enough to win me over with your team ranking. Mathieu SHOULD win it, although he won't. Defensive player needs a down year for the others on offense. Luck is freaking the Golden Child. I wa-a-a-n-n-t the Knife. He got smoked at home against Oregon. Montee Ball has the stats. True. I still have to go with trying to pick the best player on one of the best teams if no one else is extremely obvious. I vote for Richardson. Stats. Legit. 6 yds per carry. I have to be honest. I could have a HELL of an argument for ANY of these guys. Mark Ingram's win a couple year's ago was the closest vote of all time. I think this one could give it a run, not necessarily from 1st to 2nd, but maybe from 1st to 5th.
4) If anyone cares, the Florida-Arizona game went into overtime in a crazy last second call. I know. You don't care because you will be reading this hours after it is done. Go with me. This is freaking stream of consciousness. I can't stop it. And I don't edit it.
5) One more thing on Paul, I will just say this. If the Lakers get Dwight Howard with Andrew Bynum, and then turn around and sell off Gasol for Chris Paul, they will simultaneously have the most big name NBA trade in decades I think, along with becoming suddenly one of the smallest teams in the Western Conference if Dwight gets in foul trouble. By the way, in case you care, Paul doesn't technically control what team he goes to, but he kind of does. You see, each team has to decide on whether to make him promise to sign a multi-year contract where he goes. In a case with the Lakers, they won't give a shit. In the case of the Clippers, they will. They won't want to give up a building block when they only have a rental player coming in.
6) I eat Cholula on EVERYTHING when I am out. I am a healthy eater at home. I finally bought a big bottle of Cholula at the grocery store. In the last four days, I have realized that my healthy diet really has NOTHING that I can pour Cholula on. It is an enigma wrapped in a puzzle.
7) The Miami Marlins (got a nice ring to it, but still feels weird to say-Tampa dropping "devil" off their name was seemless on the other hand) have pulled their offer to Pujols. The Cards actually upped it. Crazy shit. By the time this is done, Albert will be getting paid by a club still when he is in a retirement home in Del Boca Vista. Those amount of years is a lot of gambling that the guy will have the longevity of guys such as Hank Aaron, Dave Winfield, or Eddie Murray (not as bad as my Legler NBA reference a few weeks ago). Anyway, what do the Marlins turn around and DO? BADASS shit. They announce they are going after Prince Fielder and sign Mark Buehrle the same day. That team is like the Blues Brothers with the way they are on a mission.
8) SI's Sportsman and Sportswoman of the Year. Pat Summit and Coach K. No jokes on this one. Aside from the fact that I root against Duke because I went to another ACC school, I really can't think of ONE freaking thing to make fun of either for ANYTHING. Those two could have won that award the last 10 years for all I care. Kind of like Shaq should have won like 6 straight MVP's for the way he changed the NBA landscape, but they just chose someone else because they felt like giving someone else a chance.
9) Just a heads up waiting for another breakdown from me in this rant. I am staying away from my most pained topic these days. Ummm. I can't say his name. Here are a few hints. His initials are T.T., his last name is evidently a verb these days, and when I spoke about how I would move if this nonsense continued, I was offered help in packing my shit and given the U-Haul number. Anyway. Nothing in this one. Moving on to things that make me happy.
10) Archie Manning has spoken. He told us Monday that there was no way Peyton and Luck could co-exist and work. Thanks, Archie.
11) Less than 24 hours later and after some deep thought, Archie appeared on the wire again. It seems he now truly believes that Peyton and Luck can co-exist. Do I really need any jokes here? Mad Lib joke it yourself. Archie, You are a(n) __________ (noun).
12) Georgia did lose to LSU. Their shot at glory did not happen. Lost in that shuffle was this note. Yes, you should be happy that I spend all of my time reading this shit. A day after UGA lost, the #1 tailback in the nation committed to them. SHHHH.
13) My DeLorean moment of the week. Headline: The Bruins 15 game win streak is snapped by the Winnipeg Jets. Glad to have you guys back. Lend me your flux capacitor when you are done. I still want to go back and beat up Neil O'Donnell in the parking lot. If you let me stay a few minutes longer, I want to kick Larry Brown in the nuts. Hey, if you need a reason, maybe I can help you guys keep your name the Jets. That was the same time your fancy nickname was phased out. We can help each other.
14) I think Kim English has been playing college basketball for 8 or 9 years. Just saying. By the way, if you are unaware of who I am talking about, you will know soon. Missouri is 8-0, looks solid, and has the 9 year veteran English to guide them.
15) Live update. If you haven't seen Xavier play yet, watch them. Three teams that I have watched that are one level above where we thought they were preseason. Xavier is a possible Final Four team, St. Louis is a potential Sweet 16 team, and UVA (not being a homer-people are talking...trust me) is about 1-2 years ahead of schedule and will have a 2nd team All-American player to show for it-Mike Scott. I believe they will be a tourney team this year.
16) Story that I laughed out loud at, but have no reason to open. "LeBron Regrets The Decision." Dude, I WAS your biggest fan before that special. Win a ring. Then, we will talk. If some of you are wondering why I am so love/hate with LeBron, here is the quick and dirty version of the story. I worked at a bar years ago. I came in early and used our satellite system to download Cleveland HIGH SCHOOL basketball games. My boss asked me who I was watching. I told him I was watching the only guy I could foresee being a better player than Michael Jordan (this was before Kobe's 2nd title-NO, he is not better. just saying Kobe would have been involved in the conversation obviously...stay with me here). He laughed. He told me that this guy wouldn't be in the league for 5 years. The bar closed. I don't know where that guy is. But, I feel like I have enough to go back and ask for my $100 we bet. I am waiting for him to win a championship before I do an actual hard target search though. Moving on.
17) The NBA Amnesty Rule. The easy way to explain it is to say that you can cut a NOT recently traded for player, and not have it count against your salary books. I have read 4 more articles on it. As soon as I figure out the fine print, I will be happy to flow chart it for you. One, I love flow charts. Two, I know you will be losing sleep waiting for that explanation.
18) I am force feeding a lot of "Christmas" cookies down my throat at work to be polite. Isn't there a freaking holiday that people bring in blocks of cheese? Dammit. Make one up. I bet you that blocks of cheese would be legal during Festivus. Yeah. Anyway, my cheese fetish runs deep. I don't think my Dad reads this (hi, Mom-you can pass this along to him), but when he brought home that big ass, refrigerator filling, Cadillac sized block of cheese home, it was a good day. I think the name of the brand was Cooper, but not sure. I won bets with me eating an entire cheese plate at events. BETS, people.
19) Speaking of flow charts, I will get back to you on this NHL realignment. Wow. It is the hardest championship to win in my opinion, and now they have made it the hardest to understand from a fan's perspective. At least they kept the Flyers and Pens in the same division...uhhh..conference. There are FOUR conferences in this thing from what I understand. Holy Macaroni.
20) I am not sure if every time I read that a new Sandusky accuser has come forward if it is new story, or just the same story still on top of the wire. Either way, it is scary. I am absolutely ok with you not getting bail, bro. There are too many kids out there.
21) There is a college basketball player you will be familiar with very soon. Fab Melo. Dude worked HARD in the offseason. His offensive skills are better, he is smarter, he plays for a great team already (Syracuse), and he is leaner. Thanks for finally coming around, bro. you and the word "project" were getting tired of each other in sentences.
22) Mike Leach has come out and said that it is possible to win at Wazzou. No word if he got a headache and went to a shed after making that comment. Offensive genius, yes. Kid teacher, we will see. Go have some beers with Rick Neuheisel and then you will have a headache, dude. What is the cliche? Two peas in a pod? Something like that.
23) Article I didn't open because I knew I wouldn't be laughing after reading the details. " Ex-Coach pleads guilty to sexual assault of Theo Fleury." EEEWWWW. Put THAT guy in the same cell as Sandusky...and play the movie Ghostbusters while they are in there. Streams crossing, yada, yada, yada. In this case, we didn't mention the lobster and are NOT yada-ing over the best part.
24) What a simple nickname. But SO FREAKING cool. Welcome to the boxing HOF, Mr. Hearns. "Hit Man." Awesome. You were great, man, when the sport was still good.
25) A fan gives back Cam Newton's record ball this week. Apparently, the fan also thanked him for being on his fantasy team. Losing team. Always behind. Crazy numbers because you are always playing catch up. Dude, you lit me up for 37.8 pts last week. Just plain dumb stats.
26) Man U was eliminated in some tournament. Is it 2014 yet?
27) Boise State's Chris Petersen has spoken out against the BCS system. They are sure as hell splitting some atoms over there. Thanks, Chris. All normal people except for the people in charge want a playoff system. Congrats on the Big East bid. You guys are going to read a LOT of books on those plane trips. You guys will be like the normal version of Good Will Hunting after next year's football season.
28) There are a LOT of unbeaten teams left in college basketball. Of course, this will all end when conference play starts, but it sure is fun right now. Some are real, some aren't. I can tell you who ISN'T. NO ONE as of tonight in the Pac-10/12 (whatever) has beaten ONE top 25 team. Soon, you can play each other, guys. Wins are EN ROUTE.
29) I have decided that the word "logistics" is my favorite word presently. I don't know if it is because of UPS, but I say it to a rather irritating level in every public forum you can imagine. Self-awareness is the first hurdle, right?
30) BCS Matchups:
-Give me Wisconsin over Oregon. Close though.
-Give me Stanford over Okla State. Call this the Andrew Luck is pissed he didn't win the Heisman, and he will remind everyone that he is the big winner in the NFL draft.
-Give me Va Tech over Michigan. In the bowl game of two teams that shouldn't even be in the BCS, Va Tech will remind us that the only team they can't beat is Clemson.
-Give me WVA over Clemson. In the bowl game of teams that earned their berth, but still suck, Clemson will remind us that Va Tech is the only team that they oddly can beat.
-Give me Bama over LSU. I am not changing my opinion. Bama is better. Just. Better. 20-13.
31) Please tell me that if you didn't catch the games so far in Jimmy V Week, that you at least watched the speech again. Do it for the Green Bay Packers (inside joke once you have seen the speech). I was hoping to make you non-watchers curious.
32) Harvard bball is ranked for the first time ever. Look CLOSER, people. Tommy Amaker is working magic over there. He has the background...the resume if you will. He played for a damn good Duke team under Coach K. He brought in one of the best recruiting classes Seton Hall has ever seen there, coached under sanctions at Michigan, and now is at Harvard. They should change the jersey names to a magic marker overlay that says "Whoops. You drew US in the first round of the tourney? Sorry."
33) I understand you sometimes don't let the defense set up in basketball and don't call a timeout, but it was very odd Washington didn't call a TO with 10 seconds left in that fabulous Marquette game.
34) Scary stat. Marshall started out 5-24 from 3-pt land against powerhouse Syracuse the other night. They still only lost by 6 points. Crazy.
35) The Marlins are stealing so many headlines that no one notices the Mets are actually doing stuff in free agency. Signed two pitchers today. Three more, and they are golden-lol.
36) The Rockies are giving away players. They are pulling a "Marlins," but they didn't win the World Series last year. Slight difference. Meanwhile, the Nuggets are conducting open tryouts at Pepsi Center. They need some players. Not sure if Martin can get out of his contract, but Wilson Chandler is confused, and JR Smith is trying to get kicked off his team/acting normal. He he he. That was funny.
37) Article that I am just telling you about that I didn't open that you should and then you can tell me about it. A high school team lost the state title because of a TD celebration penalty called against them. Evidently, Terrell Owens snagged the keys to the DeLorean. Shit. That joke doesn't work. Because then we wouldn't hear about it in the present day. This is like trying to explain the movie Deja Vu. Whatever. It was a nice thought. Moving on.
38) N#$&*(&*#&$ Suh ( I REFUSE to spell his first name right) might have hidden his passengers' injuries when he ran into that tree. Word is that he is still also saying that he was pushed into it.
39) I pay my bills, but am confused on how a lot of the lips and words are off with the sound on a lot of sporting events recently. Comcast. What gives?
40) Reeves Nelson got suspended from the UCLA basketball team...again. Without looking it up, I already know. He really IS the brother of those other guys from Georgia Tech and UCONN. Or, they are the same person. I don't know. They have cloned. They are the bad boy, tatt-covered Plumlee clan. I am sure there will more on this to come, as UCLA needs all the players they can get...even in the Pac 10/12 (whatever again). I can't track this super-conference shit.
41) No FBS. Screw it. I have a few more minutes. Let's break down the NFL games using my customary one liner to fully break down/ make a joke about the game:
-Pitt over Cleveland-I am so confident of this game that I will pay attention to Scott coming into town AND maybe by listening to that relaxing song by Toad the Wet Sprocket-Walk on the Ocean.
-Baltimore over Indy-Rival or not, this has disaster written all over it-I might even start Joe Flacco this week...nahhh.
-Atlanta over Carolina-They have shown flashes, but no one in the NFC really wants to face Atlanta in the first round of the playoffs
-Cincy over Houston-If Houston had a QB, I would say that Cincy's magical ride is over, but Houston doesn't...yeah.
-Detroit over Minnesota-Their ride isn't over, people, and they don't have to be worried about penalties for people stepping on people for another week.
-TB over Jacksonville-Both are underachieving, but if you pick the other way, I hope you had a good time at that fine dining restaurant with no TV's on Monday. It was HORRIBLE.
-Philly over Miami-I have said that no one wants to play Miami right now, Vick might be back, and Philly is a wounded, very talented dog. Holy shit, I didn't even realize that was funny until I re-read it. I SWEAR. I did NOT mean to make that joke. Awesome. Stream of consciousness.
-NYJ over KC-Just talent, and at home. No smartass remarks.
-NO over Tenn-I still haven't figured out how N.O. is under the radar, but they will SMOKE them. Just hope for nice weather in January in Green Bay, Sean.
-NE over Washington-Come on...
-SF over Ariz-Have your fun now, bitches, because you have Steelers on Monday night the next week. Lights out.
-Chicago over Denver. Uhhh. SWEAR it is just because me analyzing lineups and stats. SWEAR.
-GB over Oakland-I already tried to call my shot with the NYG game. I missed, barely.
-Buffalo over SD- SD started fast, and then sucked, when they usually do the opposite. This is like the Top Gun version of SD football, and I think they will lose. Coach has told the Buffalo players that they can go hang out in Mission Bay on the beaches if they win. I like it.
-NYG over Dallas. The Giants have lost as many games as Kim English has been in college allegedly, and they STILL control their own destiny. Amazing.
-Seattle over St. Louis-Who the F. Cares? I will go with Seattle only because they looked solid last week.
42) That is enough. Safe travels, Scott. See you tomorrow, and talk with everyone else on Monday. Peace. NOW I'm done.
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