NEWSFLASH. Pickles are actually cucumbers.

Read it, don't read it, I don't care...just needed to get some things off my chest.


In no particular order of chronology or importance...


1) Kris Humphries wants to annul his marriage with Kim Kardashian because he is so against divorce.  His second choice is separation, which means he can't ever marry again.  First of all, does he live in the bubble with Donald to think that Kim was his soul mate?  She is a popular, trendy wildcard.  Second, I love this true love thing he is doing.  Adorable.  Third, maybe he can finally live up to basketball expectations with that ho out of the picture. Him and the practice court can be soul mates. When you came out of Minnesota, you were supposed to be a lot better player.


2)  David West is most likely going to another team, so does anyone disagree with me when I think about when, not if, Chris Paul will be traded?  Very exciting about where he will end up and how it happens, and as the bad guy said in Hard to Kill, "you can take THAT to the bank."


3)  Mike Sherman was fired by Texas A&M.  Take away the give away losses by the team.  Take out that they didn't really win much recently before he came aboard.  Take out that the college ranks won't accept Favre rumors as he is so old...and is ineligible.  Bottom line is this.  The recruiting was there.  The game leads were there.  The talent was there.  You have to win when you have the talent, and he had it.  Exit stage left, sir.


4)  Peyton Manning is evidently healed.  What a nice situation brewing they have over there in Indy.  Manning might not have a lot left in the tank, there is obviously friction about bringing Boy Wonder Luck into the picture as a protege, and Painter absolutely sucks.  It is like the innocent, sports version of the Jersey Shore.


5)  The Seahawks suddenly remembered they were a playoff team last year.  They smoke the Eagles.  Actually, let's change that statement.  Without stating the obvious, let's just say that Curtis Painter and Vince Young are probably having beers right now drunk texting Matt Cassell.  Whoops, guys.  Seriously, break down the sentence and Google what you need to.  It is funny.


6)  Until Allen Iverson is playing for a team, I am taking the liberty of subbing in Jesse Palmer onto my man crush list.  Just saying.


7)  Someone won the Big East.  It doesn't matter who it was, because each team in that conference evidently spent all year trying NOT to win it.  Conference sucks.


8)  The Bears need a QB desperately.  McNabb is a free agent.  McNabb is still unsigned.  If THAT is not a sign of his present football skills, I don't know what is.


9)  No.  I don't think you want to mess with the Penguins any time soon.  Crosby has 12 pts in 7 games, and they are 5-2, and the two games they lost were 4-3, and 3-2 in OT.  Yup.  Don't tread on me.


10)  Tiger Woods wins.  He finishes with 2 birdies, and we get the classic fist pump to add to it all.  Without getting all crazy and going on tangents left and right because I am pumped he is on the "win" board and I am the biggest fan of his on this earth, let's just say that I am not going to go off on this.  It was the Chevron Tournament.  Not exactly been books written about that tournament.


11)  The sky is blue, the grass is green, and the NFL denied Suh's appeal.  I am lucky I caught that result of the appeal.  I got lucky I guess.  I am still floored that there even was an appeal.  Idiot.  You make an apologetic call to the commissioner and then you appeal the decision?  Confused.


12)  Oh, and karma is out there, people.  Suh ran randomly into a tree at 1:15am the other night.  No, he wasn't impaired.  That might have added to the story, but here is where I will go on this topic.  The tree incident was just more proof that Suh can lose control without the added lubricant of booze, drugs, or guns.  Word is that DeShawn Stephenson gave Suh a call at 1:16am that night before he found out there was no booze involved.  He is sad.  He was hoping for a new running mate.


13)  Merry early Christmas.  I will be on my couch watching a shitload of NBA basketball games that day.  True.  I love college bball better, much better, but the fact they are taking the floor pretty soon is kind of getting me excited.  Whether it is watered down or not, and whether they are spoiled brats or not, they are STILL the best players of my favorite sport in the entire world.


14)  The Marlins have signed more people in the last week than people that attend their day games in the stands.  Marlins sign Heath Bell.  Marlins sign Jose Reyes.  Marlins are still talking to Pujols.  This is just weird.  The Red Sox and Yankees might end up with CJ Wilson and/ or Mark Buehrle, and the Marlins are going to town on the big names.  I kind of saw the writing on the wall that an unusual team was going to be in the bidding battles, but I was wrong on which team.  I thought the Nationals were going to really go for it this offseason.  Someone find me a flux capacitor.  Just going to 1997.  I plan on re-watching the Marlins World Series win and then waiting two years until that really happy, innocent song Semi Charmed Kind of Life becomes popular.  Then, you read the lyrics, and realize it is...just dirty.


15)  Talk about bad alignment of divisions.  The Big Ten has their first championship game and they end up with Michigan State and Wisconsin, and the Pac-12 gets Oregon against UCLA.  Joke.  By the way, since the BCS picks were on a Sunday, did they have a bloody mary bar in house?  Michigan over Michigan State when Michigan didn't even make the championship game?  Did Michigan State get penalized from losing the championship game?  They beat them straight up.  I know, I know.  Michigan fans will travel better and it IS all about the money, but really?  Come on.  I guess you made that choice and then had a few more bloody mary's, because picking VA Tech over Boise State is freaking ridiculous.


16)  Is it me, or does a story about Magic Johnson buying the Dodgers break about once every 2.5 months?  Kind of like the baseball, drawn out version of Groundhog Day.


17)  Joe Mauer will be 100% healthy for Twins training camp it appears.  Prepare for an onslaught of that Troy Polamalu commercial, along with the NBA commercials they are finally able to use.  I hope that John Wall commercial was a backup commercial.  Really.


18)  I won't break down the entire game.  We have too much to get to.  However, the UNC-UK game was extremely high quality.  It was very evident of the talent on the floor.  I enjoyed every second of it.  My few comments are these.  I am officially not endorsing UK as a championship contender.  I refuse to vouch for any team where the PG who plays about 30 minutes a game and always has the ball at the end of the game shoots 56% from the line.  They will lose a game late in the season because of that.  Marcus, either get better, or I am not onboard.  You are a freaking point guard.  Tell me your childhood idol was NOT Jamaal Tinsley (ANOTHER Tinsley reference-wow).  Aside from the disbelief of Henson getting his shot blocked, it was very odd that with four seconds left, no one from UNC fouled.  Also, what the HELL was Henson doing taking the last shot?  Did Hairston, Barnes, and Bullock suddenly have arm cramps?  Confused.


19)  I don't care how how many times I see it, and I don't care if the main character tore out my heart earlier this year, I still chuckle when I see the discount double check commercial with Aaron Rodgers.  Side note, the Mayhem commercials have two new ones.  Yay.


20)  I did miss the very beginning of the UNC-UK because of a snowstorm and the multitude of people in CO who can't drive in the snow.  The irony.  Here we are out here in CO where everyone else in other parts of the country thinks it snows all the time.  It doesn't.  80% of the things you see on the weather channel are things going on up in the MOUNTAINS, people.  Eisenhower Tunnel.  Weather camera is right there.  Oh, and if there is a football game on national TV or Obama comes to visit.  We don't have advanced trucks that get the snow out of the road.  We suck at snow removal.  Oh, and learn to drive, CO people. You almost made me miss a good portion of the best early season basketball game, you losers.  I don't have kids and pets.  I have BASKETBALL games, dammit. 


21)  UK's Anthony Davis grew 8 inches in two years.  That would explain his handle.  Kid can ball.  He is the non-military version of David Robinson.


22)  Two more odd thoughts on the UNC-UK game.  Anthony Davis said he blocked "Cody Zeller's" shot.  Whoops.  THAT dude is presently raking at IU's sudden revival, bro.  Also, in a miniature Heidi remake, CBS's cut to Herman Cain's "resignation" right after the game?  WTF?  Sure, I was a political science major, but after watching the best basketball game of the early season, I could give a rat's ass about our presidency.  At least for 10 more minutes.  Come on.  Tell me afterwards.


23)  I don't know how to say this, so I just will.  I am not a young man, but did not consciously realize that a pickle is actually a cucumber soaked in dill stuff.  Seriously.  Can you tell I am kind of scared of green food?


24)  The Heisman.  Griffin has snuck back in the conversation.  Moore is going to get screwed again.  Luck got smoked at home by Oregon.  Richardson got hurt by not playing this week.  Close vote, but I think that Griffin will take it.  His stats speak for themself.  I could totally see Trent Richardson taking it also-the best player on one of the teams playing for the championship.  6 yds a carry in the SEC?  Best performance?  Against LSU.   My personal opinion?  Tyrann Mathieu should win it even though he won't be in NY.  Guy is a badass.


25)  I am a sports nut.  This Monday night game is useless.  Getting into the Chargers/ Jags game is like wanting to watch The Notebook or have a large glass of milk when you get home from a bar late night.  It just doesn't work.


26)  Case Keenum has the records.  He will not  have a Heisman Trophy to show for it.  They get smoked by SMU and he throws 2 INT's.  TCU's Christmas gift is en route by the way, Case.


27)  Sandusky says he was a "father figure" to all of those kids.  I am glad I read it, instead of hearing him actually say it.  Dude sounds just  flat out creepy.


28)  I can't even ballpark it, but I wonder how nice a living the retreads in commercials have.  That Asian guy in the Southwest bags commercial and that dude on the couch with his wife talking about "settling" come to mind.  I am curious.


29)  Poor OSU.  They smoke OU in the Bedlam game, and don't get a championship bid.  You DID lose to Iowa State by the way, and you DID beat OU at HOME, but a part of me would like you to have a shot.  Alright.  Let's cover this now.  I admit it.  I have never been a fan of someone who can't win their own division or conference making the championship.  This year is different though.  Do I want a rematch?  No.  Does it suck that LSU is being asked to beat the same team twice?  Yup.  However, the bottom line is this.  They ARE the two best teams in the country.  You could make arguments in a lot of areas, but we have the two best teams in the championship.  That being said, PLEASE adopt my 6 team system soon.  Bama and LSU would get byes, 6 teams would make it, and we would have a fun 3 weeks.


30)  I like the background music on the Play60 commercials.  Some DJ somewhere should incorporate it into their spinning.  Use that and that damn song that MJ and his Bulls used to come out during.


31)  I love that hamster, dancing, Kia Soul commercial where that dumb song Party Rock Star is playing in the background.  It is just fun.


32)  I don't understand why more PK's are not punters also.  They would have two job options, save a roster spot, and both positions involve feet.  Confused.


33)  The movie "New Year's Eve" looks dumb, with a lot of big named actors and actresses in it.  I would love to give you the list of people in it, but I stopped paying attention to it once I saw that Halle Berry is in it.  She is the most beautiful woman on this earth in my opinion.  Wow.


34)  The LSU/ Georgia game.  I was right on this, and almost had my prediction come true about the Giants beating the Pack.  ALMOST. Anyway, here are my odd observations.  
-When UGA was up only 10-7 at halftime, I kind of knew it was done.  They should have been up about 21-0.  Sleeping dog cliche...insert here.
-NO first downs in 1st half-LSU was the first SEC team to have that happen since 2002
-total yards in first half-12...wow.
-the play clock problems really were Cousin Mo interrupting.  Plus, it was fun to see a ref  not be able to work his watch when control went to the field
-Best view.  New rules.  Not that it would have changed the result, but why do we have the new review rules when Mathieu's toss to the ref in his TD return wasn't reviewed?  He was still in the field of play, ref.  dude
-the first two drives in the second half for LSU were inside the 20.  Fumble and Mathieu run back.  It HAS to be deflating to a defense who has been playing their ass off.  HAS to be.
-dare I say now that the former idiot in my mind, Les Miles, is one of the best halftime strategy guys in the business.  He will lose to the best in the business in about a month...Nick Saban.


35)  Very rarely does someone score in the NFL without me knowing the name and college team.  I am not looking it up.  Who the hell is Roy Helu?


36)  I am not looking it up.  More fun this way.  Why is Chicago's football field multi-colored?


37)  Boring fact that you can tell your friends that I know you have been losing sleep over.  Big Ben and Aaron Rodgers, arguably two of the better QB's in the game on two of the better teams, are the only two QB's to be sacked in every game this season.


38)  On that note, Big Ben is pretty young.  Big Ben gets out of a lot of shady situations in the backfield.  That being said, he just took over Bradshaw's record of 307 times sacked all time for a Pittsburgh QB.  Crazy shit.


39)  LeSean McCoy got 26 pts for me in fantasy with a jacked up toe.   Unfortunately, Joe Flacco is my starting QB.  Joe, you are on my arch rival.  Can you at least LOSE when you post 5 pts?  Killing me.  Is Delhomme starting this week for the Texans by the way?  Oh, and to the ass in my league who is mad at me not trading Tony Gonzalez, Witten is killing me suddenly, so I am glad I still have Tony.  I am starting Tony next week. 


40)  The Pittsburgh defense is totally a different team with Polamalu. I have said this before, but there were SO many times he saved a play.  Ballhawk on crack.


41)  Kurt Busch cuts ties with Penske.  This is a sport blog.  I am just simply reporting this.  I.  Don't.  Care.


42)  Story I didn't open because I was laughing too hard.  "Manny applies for reinstatement."  Dude, you can't really ride off into the sunset like Josey Wales, but ride somewhere...else.  The party is over.  Go hang out with Donald.  You BOTH live in a bubble.


43)  I am older.  The Davis Cup used to be a big deal in the tennis world.  Newsflash.  It isn't anymore, even if you care about tennis like I do.  Nadal and Spain win the Davis Cup.  Not nearly as much apathy as my Kurt Busch take, but closer than it should be...


44)  The Cowboys late clock management makes me think that they were at the same bloody mary bar as the BCS officials.  It must have been one hell of an early morning party.


45)  I think that is it.  I think I have covered anything.  Hold on.  Let me make sure.  Check.  Check.  Check.  Covered.  Yup, people, I think that I am out of....ohhh.  Damn.  Do I HAVE to cover that?  I know.  I know.  This is a sports blog.  Alright.  Whatever.  Here we go.  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   Seriously, this Tebow shit needs to end.  I am becoming unstable.  People, they beat MINNESOTA.  They SUCK.  Most of these game, McGahee is correct, it is the defense winning these games.  Sure, the last one, Tebow kept them in it.  I don't know how many games Tebow has won in a row, but whatever that number is...it is EXACTLY the same amount of weeks I have not bought a sports page (seriously, that is like a lunar eclipse) or have not listened to ANY local sports talk radio.  I would love to write down why I don't think this will work, but I have covered it before, and still think I am right.  I need a local Tebow hater support group.  THAT is what I need.  I thought I hated Mickelson for no reason.  This BLOWS that shit out of the water.  I want this party to end.  I will move.  I WILL MOVE if Tebow continues this shit.  I am not joking.  Dammit.  You know what, keep on trucking, super-God loving QB.  I SO HOPE you draw Pittsburgh at Pittsburgh for the playoffs.  Right now, I GUARANTEE Dick Lebeau, in his free time, is designing defensive looks to stop this nonsense that is Tebow-mania.  Tim?  Meet James Harrison and Troy Polamalu.  Take THAT and rewind it back, and thanks for the bye week/ game in the playoffs.  UUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.


46)  OK.  That is it.  I am out.  I don't know when my next blog will be, as the Steelers play on Thursday, but I will talk with you soon.  Peace.