Newkirk, can you pick a lock?

Read it, don't read it, I don't care...just need to get some things off my chest.


In no particular order of chronology or importance...


Let's turn and burn.  Needs to be a short one tonight.  Game 5 of OKC and San Antonio is about to start and no way I am missing this one.


1) The sky is blue, the grass is green, and be damn straight that the moment Tiger did something right, the Fillerbuster was going to write a hook on it.  So, it was JUST the Memorial.  I don't care, and neither does anyone else who has fought to stay in his corner the last few years.  I am captain of that team, people, Perkins waitresses and porn stars or not.  I don't care for Nebraska and Notre Dame football, but I know that football is better when these teams are in the hunt.  Peter King even acknowledged that golf is more fun when Tiger is in it to win it.  If you watched his round carefully, you got this out of it.  His drive is much more stable.  His putting is more aggressive and accurate.  His approaching irons still need a little work, but it is obvious that his goal during this swing modification was to nail the drive first.  He has for the most part, and even survived 2-3 holes where he did go a little wayward-a sign of more mental stability.  He also came BACK on the final day, something he doesn't do as much.  Sure, the leader faltered, but it is not like the other guy involved, Rory Sabbatini hasn't been in the spotlight before.  Check this out for an ominous sign for his competitors.  His last two wins?  Arnold's tournament and Jack's tournament.  I still say he won't win the US Open because I don't think he is all the way back, but watch out, British Open and PGA Championship.  He could take both if this improvement continues.


1a) Whether you watched it live or caught it on tape, that 16th Hole wedge shot, with danger all over the place, was just plain sick.  Didn't see it?  Check it out.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1U3JCwaeoBE


1b) While Tiger has walked the straight and narrow in his comeback, did anyone else notice his agent since 1999, Mark Steinberg was getting a DUI the night before out east?  Dude gets busted, and it takes him until he talked to his lawyers to suddenly proclaim it was the classic "medication problems."  You were trashed.  Own up to it.


1c) Thanks, Tiger.  I had a list of things I was going to accomplish Sunday since I have been used to you not occupying my Sunday afternoons in a while.  I was tired, decided to turn on the tube and see where you were at, and then watched you come back over the next 4 hours, literally just getting up to get a new glass of ice water or going to the head.  Thanks for a wonderful day, bro.


1d) After Tiger's win, I joking yelled at my buddy who is getting married in two weeks in Wilmington, DE about how could he feasibly schedule his wedding during the US Open weekend?  Then, I was casually reminded that if he were to cater to MY schedule, the only days he could really get married would be the day before or after the MLB All Star Game, the only two days of the year that there are no sports on TV except WNBA.


1e) Me going to his wedding reminded me that I am about to take my first day off from work in about 3 years.  I don't know how to even take one admin-wise.  Anyway, I find it funny that the ONE time I am taking a day off, I go WHERE?  Not a beach.  Not Las Vegas.  No.  Wilmington, Delaware.  Basically, a 40 minutes ride to my country New Jersey upbringing hometown.


1f)  Phil Mickelson shot a 79 in this tournament and withdrew.  How come he does this and I had to search long and far to find this info out, but when Tiger does it, everyone questions his progress?  Geez.  The dude has TRANSFORMED golf, and no one would be making what they are for wins if he hadn't come along.  Deal with his ups and downs.  


2)  Congrats to Johan Santana for throwing a no hitter this weekend.  Anyone doubting his comeback now has piece of mind, Mets fans have their first piece of excitement in a few years, and the franchise FINALLY had a pitcher throw one (I did NOT know that by the way with all the great pitchers they have had over the years).  


3)  Some substance abuse problems, and some off the court problems aside, happy trails to Orlando Woolridge, who died this week at age 52.  My thoughts go out to his family.  Woolridge did average 16 pts and 4 rebounds in his career, along with 22 pts the year some dude named MJ joined the team, but is more known for his college career, where he led Notre Dame to a Final Four in 1978 and then ended my school's (UVA) 28 game winning streak at 28 in 1981.  


4)  Wow, do we suddenly have two fantastic NBA series?  After one over the hill team and one young gun team both fought their way back out of a 2-0 hole, we have to remember this.  Sure, it is nice to steal on of those first two games at the other team's crib, but these are technically going the way series are designed to go...WIN at HOME.  These both could easily go seven games.  I still like San Antonio and Miami BECAUSE the first two games went the way they did, but they play the entire season for WHAT?  Home court advantage.  A couple of notes:


- Every time I see Dwayne Wade shoot a 3 ptr with ANYONE within 10 feet of him, I know the Heat are out of sync.  Not that he can't shoot them, but his forte is everything else.


-I think Gregg Popovich's favorite movie is also mine-Princess Bride.  His wit is SO dry that it is hilarious in his interviews/ huddle talks.  I would have played for him ANY day of the week.  There was just that TALENT thing that blocked me.  Damn.


-Watching Rajon Rondo's passes is like watching Picasso paint (I am assuming).  His back to back LONG alley-oop OVER another player, and his bounce pass in the middle of the lane in between two defenders were about as pretty as Tiger's 16th Hole lob shot.


-HORRIBLE foul on Kevin Garnett without the ball late in Game 4.  Come on, refs.  Kevin should not be giving the ball back to the other team in crunch time, and LeBron AND Paul Pierce fouling out should NOT be happening unless someone is throwing a freaking elbow.  Playoff basketball.  Let them play.  You should not be on our radar, refs.


-I have never seen a series like the Heat/ Celtics.  The loser is SO obviously going to truly blow up their team in the offseason...for different reasons, but it will happen in either case.   If the Heat lose, just insert "Dwight Howard" and "trade" into EVERY sentence that deals with the Heat.  I hear some experts saying that Wade could be the one who goes.  I disagree.  Not because of how they look on the floor, but because...bitches...he already GOT you a ring.  Don't forget that.


5)  Tim Tebow is to attend Mark Sanchez's passing camp.  Don't over-think this, people.  It is pretty simple to me, under these 3 points.
-Mark Sanchez is the leader and therefore he should invite his backup, Tim Tebow.  He is showing leadership in his world.
-Tim Tebow is such a nice, hearty guy, that of COURSE he would attend.
-We had gone 4.5 days without a national update on Tebow, therefore under media rule #15a.5.4, we HAVE to write something about Tim.


6)  The US men's soccer team extended its awesome streak of being unbeaten against Canada.  Well, except they didn't score either, so I count that as a loss.  Gentlemen, after that ass-kicking at the hands of Brazil, I thought you would unleash on Canada.  You make me very nervous that one of us won't be in Brazil in 2014.  It is a toss-up at this point.


7)  I am SO excited for this Dream Team special coming up in June.  What an amazing event.  The other countries woke up a BUNCH of sleeping dogs to make that happen.  I am still kind of mad that Isiah Thomas wasn't on the squad, but he kind of did it to himself.  Still sucks.  But I can't really bitch about Stockton and Magic being the first and second teams, can I?  Nope.


8)  The Washington Wizards have decided to keep interim coach Randy Wittman next year.  I agree with this decision.  They go 18-31 after he takes over, which is much better than the 2-15 start under Flip.  Besides, LOOK at their roster.  Phil Jackson couldn't coach this team right now to a winning record.  http://espn.go.com/nba/team/roster/_/name/wsh/washington-wizards


9)  I don't know exactly what this is: misdemeanor charge of obstructing official business.  It doesn't matter if I do, and the hits keep on coming for Ohio State football.  Two penciled-in starters were arrested for this charge over the weekend and now are suspended.  Is there nothing to do in Columbus?  Well, something that is normal and legal?  Since this was down the road from the Memorial, were you guys tearing it up after a day of drinking on the course like those nuts in Arizona?


10)  Boxer Winky Wright retired today.  Happy trails, Winky.  A 51-6 record is kind of overshadowed by an 0-3 end of your career, but in your prime, you were one of the best.  You fought all over the world as for some reason you were never a big ticket, but you retire with everything in tact, a golf love that you still have plenty of time for at age 40, and will be respected among boxing circles for the rest of time.  You are probably grey area HOF, but the fact that you are even that, commands respect in a highly demanding sport to state the obvious.


11)  Richard Dawson died.  My thoughts are with his family and friends.  Most people will remember him for Family Feud, one of the top shows in the game show era.  I will treat that secondarily.  I will remember him for being one of the most prominent characters at the 2nd or 3rd best comedy sitcom I have ever seen-Hogan's Heroes.  If you have never checked it out, please do.  You are missing out.


12)  I love the Paul Pierce commercial where he is sitting up in the rafters talking about the Celtics banners.  Respect, seriousness, and, with an unintended pun, truth.


13)  Here is your odd fact of the day that will help you sleep at night.  Brandon Bass of the Celtics has the THIRD best FT% of ALL time in the NBA playoffs of anyone who qualifies.  What?  Brandon Bass.  I would not even have had a SHOT at knowing that one.  That is why I pay attention to the professionals announcing a game when I guarantee they didn't know that shit either and were force fed by the stats guy to their right on the super-laptop.


14)  My Rant Squad dominated rant on Thursday obviously motivated an athlete or two.  Although he needs two more idiotic somethings to qualify for my team, you have to start somewhere, and this is like hitting a home run in your first MLB at bat as a rookie.  Justin Blackmon, rookie WR for the Jags, blew a stellar .24 and got a DUI this weekend.  I know, I know.  This is technically his second "something," as he had a DUI 20 months before, but I am not happy with his lack of creativity.  I am the creator of this team, and I say that I am combining this in one single event.  Go get a gun charge and get a drug distribution charge in the next month, and you will be in, Justin.  Aim high.  And get a driver to cart you around too, dumbass.  Not like you don't have the money now.  This sounds weird, but I actually respect your DUI BEFORE you got paid more. You got cash.  Pay for a cab, or get a driver.


15)  I have always said, even with a lack of personal playing background in my life, that the hardest thing in sports to win hands down is the Stanley Cup.  I still have to look up their freaking roster to remind me who the hell is on their team, but the LA Kings are making the hardest thing to win in sports look like a joke.  Since you are playing the team that I am supposed to hate as a Flyer fan, I guess I am happy, but geez.  You guys are pummeling people.  I will have a Secretariat reference upcoming if you all win it all.


16)  Jimmy Johnson won NASCAR this weekend.  Once again, as always, just reporting it.  Don't know jack about it.  I will also report that there was a 12 car wreck, the biggest of the season.  I need to find out who caused that wreck.  Perhaps he is my hero in life, and he was a rebel and tried to turn right.


17)  I love dogs.  I cry during Turner and Hooch, Eight Below, etc.  I think that the most painful couple hours of my life was watching Marley and Me.  That being said, I decided this weekend I find it insulting when someone wears an iPod while walking their dog.  That is your QUALITY time with your canine.  Talk to the dog, and enjoy each other's company.  Mean.


18)  I report ALL sports, dammit.  Congratulations to Snigdha Nandipati for winning the National Spelling Bee this week.  I found out, as we are always curious, that the word she won it with was "guetapens," a French word meaning "ambush."  I found that kind of a downer, as I was hoping for something a little more exciting.  I was wondering what word the 2nd place contestant lost with, and found out it was simply spelling their adversary's full name.


19)  I think the Los Angeles Dodgers are a great story.  I am sure Magic Johnson is happy right now, with them being one of the better teams in baseball.  That being said, they better hope Matt Kemp makes it back.  I know there are a lot of guys making up a baseball team, but that guy is gangsta, and they will need him.  Clayton Kershaw can't pitch EVERY game.


20)  I personally think that Velcro and Control F might be the greatest inventions of all time that we don't think about that much.  I am not sure how I lived without either of them.


21)  ODD story.  Check out what driving the General Lee around does for you.  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/06/02/bubba-watson-car-chase-columbus-memorial-tournament_n_1564868.html


22)  I KNOW he has a life outside of hockey, and I know as fans we know maybe 40% of what actually happens in any sports story, but I am SO intrigued that Tim Thomas, kind of later in his career (38), has decided to sit out next year.  Sure, as a goalie, you have a longer shelf life, but just retire, dude, if you need away from the game.  Sure, you are a year late from pulling an Elway, but you still got a ring, and you pretty much GOT them that ring.  Go watch a Clint Eastwood movie, and but a horse.  You deserve it.


23)  I still find it odd when 80's songs come on my local classic rock station.  I heard Bon Jovi's Dead or Alive this weekend.  Check out this game.  Don't tell me the highest quality song.  Tell me the ONE song you could survive with on a deserted island (assuming you had a CD player and electricity on that deserted island (MY game)) listening to OVER AND OVER FOR YEARS.  If I had to take one song and one movie, I think Dead or Alive would be in the mix.  I might consider Van Halen "Dreams" also.  I would take either Top Gun or Princess Bride for the movie.  Think about it.  It's fun.


24)  New Penn State coach Bill O'Brien has announced that Matt McGloin will be the starting QB when the season begins.  I like his proactiveness, but I think we can translate this to the following: "People, I know I am replacing a legend, but I just wanted you to know that we actually DO have a distinct #1 QB without controversy for the first time in like 10 years."


25)  This EASILY wins video of the week for me.  You can hate Duke.  You can hate the NBA.  You can hate New Jersey.  I don't care.  I don't even care how exactly fake this thing is.  This is freaking awesome if you have one atom in your body that likes basketball. http://devour.com/video/uncle-drew/ 


26)  I haven't bought myself anything that I WANT in over a year.  I am watch whore that hasn't owned a watch for a long time (I occasionally wear one that doesn't work, but get irritated when people ask me the time and I have to tell them it is broken).  I only buy Nautica.  I finally bought one last week online, after going to every outlet store and mall in the Denver area over the last 4 weeks.  I got it in the mail Saturday.  Sure, I shouldn't have taken it to an adult version Slip and Slide party in the park, but I JUST got it and loved it.  To the person who watched me take off that watch and put it in my backpack, and then JACKED it, I feel sorry for you.  I have never stolen anything in my life, and I hope you enjoy your prize.  Punk.  New one is in the mail already, and I know you will never read this, so let this hook talk to anyone who steals.  It is wrong.


27)  Congrats to Rockies stud Carlos Gonzalez.  He became this week the 22nd player to hit a home run in 4 consecutive at bats.  Sure, it was carried over into a second game, but that would make it even harder in some ways.  Dibs.


28)  UCLA's basketball recruiting class is stellar beyond belief.  This whole hub-bub about P-Diddy's kid is ridiculous.  After years of being under the radar, let this school rise again in peace.  Building on my Notre Dame and Nebraska hook, the basketball world is also better with these guys in the mix.  Plus, the Pac-10 needs ANYTHING.  Seriously, ANYTHING.  http://www.suntimes.com/entertainment/12952300-421/mo-money-mo-squabbles-over-scholarship-for-diddys-son.html


29)  I am not a lover or hater of either series, but how come every time I see a new Spiderman come out I roll my eyes, and every time I see a new Batman in the works, I get a little excited?  Re-sign the Batman guy, and fire the Spiderman guy.  Did I hear that Anny Hathaway is going to be Cat-Woman?  Really?


30)  I am getting to my finish line as I need to watch the second half of the bball game in peace NOT in front of my laptop, and I will say this.  San Antonio just played the worst I have seen them play in YEARS, and they are only down 8...AT home.  I would be very nervous if I was OKC.  Predicting a HUGE, FAST comeback.  I will NOT edit this paragraph before releaseing the Rant.


31)  If you play trivia pursuit with a kid in upstate New York and still haven't come to love the power of women in sports, then lock yourself in a room after buying the new ESPN Mag, and read it cover to cover.  It is powerful, moving, and should up your respect a little.  If not, then shame on you.


32)  I recently saw a commercial for a movie with a talking teddy bear.  Yes, a teddy bear.  I would have dismissed it, but then the following two things happened in a five second succession.  Both these events made me realize that I might actually WATCH this movie.  One, Mark Wahlberg is in it.  Two, and much more importantly, it is made by the creator of Family Guy.  Shit, "Ted," hurry up and go to video.  I am sure as hell NOT going to the theater to see it.


32a) Is there REALLY a movie called "Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter" coming out?  Are we really that out of movie ideas?


33)  MLB 2012 is on pace to break the strikeout record of all time.  Sure, the lack of 'roids play a role, but I am LOVING this.  The crop of young, upcoming pitchers is amazing, hitters are still good, but we are entering a new age.  As I have said before, I consider a 1-0 pitching duel ten times better than a 11-9 slugfest.


34)  More hope that we will eventually get a college football playoff.  The SEC supports it.  That is like a bunch of Democrats or Republicans sitting in some back room in some secret place in America making an unofficial decision with a plan for action.  It will happen.  It BETTER happen.  I created this hook because it reminded me of a plot of my favorite author, Nelson DeMille, or the equivalent of talking to me for about 6 hours straight (book in conversation-Wild Fire).  Check him out.  He has this edgy cop talk in the first person thing, has a realistic action plot, with...a twist, that doesn't ever go over the top but still makes you roll off the couch.  Anyway, yay for the playoff.


35)  I like golf.  It is the only sport I don't get "competitive."  I KNOW I suck, and I have no interest in getting better. Well, for my work, we got a half day golf outing the other day.  The fact that it was a scramble (you take the best shot each time of FOUR golfers), the fact we actually used a few of my shots, and the fact that we ended up +3 on a city course?  Not.  Good.  I did say something deep.  After being tired after 9 holes, I said "Wow.  Playing golf for two hours makes you feel like you just played golf for two hours."


36)  There was a LEDGER of the Saints' bounty games??????  Really?  You guys were THAT dumb?


37)  Djokovic gets tested in five sets, women's #1 Azarenka is out, Nadal is rolling, few Americans are left, and Maria Sharapova is playing well on her worst surface.  This is shaping up to be a GREAT French Open.  Watch it, people.  Watching tennis on clay is awesome, playing on it is even better, and the fact that few of you have seen these courts around your city made of clay indicates why there aren't a lot of Americans taking this tourney down...like ever.


38)  At halftime, Charles and Kenny just did Karate Kid on set moments after the background arena music was Rocky.  Wow, are they CATERING to me?  They MUST read my blog.


39)  Bud Selig recently spoke to the White Sox announcer about his "rant."  Hey, come on.  I rant.  He doesn't.  How do I patent  this shit?


40)  Is anyone else weirded out that the Red Sox AND Phillies might be making trades at the trade deadline.  Crazy.  We might have to take the DeLorean back to the late eighties to have seen this shit before.


41)  More good signs that Virginia Tech might go back to sucking at bball like they did in my college days.  Graduate, but still eligible, JT Thompson quietly transferred to Charlotte this weekend.  There is your first round upset, people.  Charlotte.  Take them, and UNLV.  Book it.


42)  A story I can't believe is on my list.   Wow.  I write down EVERYTHING.  http://blogs.ajc.com/atlanta-braves-blog/2012/06/03/freeman-sticking-with-oakley-glasses-for-now/


43)  I don't understand what is clever or funny about the 5-Hour Energy commercials with the sheriff busting people drinking coffee.  I am missing something evidently, which I know happens a lot.


44)  I think that this comparison is a toss-up.  I think any type of sporting event seriously gives a DMV a run at people you are hanging out with.  I am less bothered by the people themselves.  I am more bothered by the fact that they could afford tickets and $8 beers.


45)  Cross THIS off my bucketlist.  I went to a women's roller derby match/ game/ series...or whatever they call it.  It was a very much a good time, I have to admit, and I have absolute respect and fear for the women who do it.


46)  Wow.  I wrote literally 5 minutes after half, and the Spurs have already taken the lead.  Pop must have LIT THEM UP.  That is it.  Back to full time basketball.  I am in Cleveland Thursday and Friday for work, so nothing on Thursday as I will be checking out the mistake by the lake for the first time and going to the Rock and Roll HOF.  I will try and get something out Saturday morning or just overload everyone next Monday.  As one shepherd said to the other shepherd, I am going to get the flock out of here.  Peace.  Have a great week.  Hope you enjoyed.