Read it, don't read it, I don't care...just needed to get some things off my chest.
In no particular order of chronology or importance...
I feel the need. The need...for speed.
1) Buyer beware and flow chart needed. I have been raving about Shabazz Muhammad, easily the #1 basketball recruit coming out of the high school ranks. Dude is simply sick. Awesome ball skills and a 6'6'' guard (meaning the NBA scouts are already salivating). He might be kicking himself for a slower start than he intended to his glamorous career. EVERYONE wanted him. His trimmed down list? Oh, just Arizona, Kentucky, Duke, Kansas, UNLV, and USC. ANYWAY, word is he has some shady dealings with a financial advisor and separately some company named Adidas. We need the flowchart because there are two separate possible bad guys, and then this. The financial advisor's brother is an assistant coach where? On Shabazz's high school team. They are already saying that he might be ineligible next year. Word is his family is already rationalizing it with the young man and saying daily "just pretended you red-shirted your freshman year. Yeah." My hook? I guess this takes Duke out of the equation, as Coach K only takes squeaky clean kids, to his credit. Actually, forget Duke being off the list. I have the answer for you, Shabazz. Give me a call if you have any questions. Does everyone remember some ultra-hyped HS baller named OJ Mayo? Everyone was blindsided when a weak USC team got him under Tim Floyd over the heavyweights. How did they get him? They paid him. Looks like a match made in heaven, Shabazz. The beach, hot chicks, and a cheating school. Book it.
2) Tough times continue for AJ Burnett. The good news is that he didn't need to pack his beach chair when reporting to Pittsburgh after oddly (to me) turning down a trip to L.A. The bad news is that a) he is a Pirate b) he will miss time for a broken orbital bone after bunt practice gone bad. In related news, Grady Sizemore is back on the injured list for 8-12 weeks with yet another injury. Ask Chad Ochocinco where he got his name change, Grady. Change yours to behealthymore (Wow. I busted out a dry Fillerbuster joke REALLY early tonight). Moving on...
3) Sick story that will just get more sick as this trial happens and the details come out. Word is that of all of Sandusky's young victims, EIGHT of them came on Penn State campus. Want more? Neither do I, but I will tell you to just get it out of the way. FIVE of them happened at the football facilities. Wrong. Just wrong.
4) The NBA is just plain old fun. In the NFL, I guess in memory of the tragedy that was the Herschel Walker trade, they NEVER have fun rumors as their deadline approaches. It just comes and goes. The NBA? You have fun hypotheticals? People breaking down salary cap situations of teams. Teams denying rumors. And then you have Dwight Howard saying if he is going to stay in Orlando, that the Magic should pursue Steve Nash. Do I like when players play GM to the media and try to coordinate their own team movements? No. Does that just sound plain FUN? Hell, yes. Figure out a way to get Grant Hill too. I still think Nash and Hill should be a package deal. Class acts. Still some left in the tank. No rings. By the way, how you feeling, Jameer Nelson?
5) Lakers' doctors say Kobe had mild concussion symptoms. Then, suddenly, Kobe "aces" those concussion tests a day later. Then he plays with a mask (for his nose) the next night. Is Kobe tough as much as I hate him? Yup. Do I think that the Dwayne Wade hard foul caused a concussion? No way. That was a hard foul that hurt his nose, but was no where hard enough to mess up his head. Nice job, Lakers. I hear they were trying to create a fan-loving feud between Kobe and Dwayne Wade, but then remembered that only one of their teams actually had a shot at the NBA Finals. Shady. Just saying.
6) Congratulations, US soccer for beating Italy. It was the first one in a while over Italy, and a lift for our soccer team in general...I guess. I am NOT trying to beat a dead horse, but how in the f%^& am I supposed to be happy about a FRIENDLY win? I hear the Italians' families had told the players to bring back lots of "those really funny US jokes" in their doesn't mean anything soccer game.
7) Speaking of pulling or shooting someone's leg (American joke reference-I know. I always reach), I hear that Plaxico Burress would be interested in joining the Philadelphia Eagles. Do it. Bring him on. Are you kidding me? Vick? Jackson? Burress? On the same team? That would be like the beginning of Usual Suspects, and putting a bunch of bad guys in the same cell to see what happens (greatest movie of all time by the way in my opinion). I am excited. I would LOVE to be a fly on the wall when Andy Reid, a coach who is annually in the top 5 most likely to be fired coaches and whose theme song is Hall & Oates "So Close, Yet So Far Away," tries to tell THAT locker room what to do.
8) Unsigned Miguel Tejada is lobbying the A's to sign him. It is a trap, A's. Watch it. I hear he just watched Moneyball the other night, and is confused as I am how he is barely mentioned in the movie even though he freaking won the AL MVP during those crazy sabermetric years.
9) Speaking of sabermetrics, check out the article in ESPN Mag about pitcher Brandon McCarthy. I won't ruin it for you. I will just say this. He has a wife that is about a half tier below James Blake's wife (that is a good thing by the way), and pretty much was bounced out of baseball before he literally taught himself the teachings of what Bill James started in 1972, but wasn't used until the A's on the main stage. Plus, I like crazy long acronyms. BABIP is my favorite. I will make you look it up (homework), but it actually makes a LOT of sense.
10) In my "there is no joke, I am just reporting it" hook, Matt Kenseth won Daytona. I reported all of the crazy shit that happened in my last rant while tuning in here and there, so...yup. Matt Kenseth won Daytona. Oh, and Jimmie Johnson got docked 25 points for his crew chief 6 races for cheating by raising his spoiler a centimeter or something else I don't understand. There. Oh, and I have a good idea for a sports pool. Guessing which lap Danica Patrick will crash. Have a good time with that one. You are now up to date on NASCAR. Moving on.
10a) It is March, and the brackets will be out shortly (shivers running up and down my spine). I will fill out one and only one bracket and stick by it. I will help people who were going to go with mascots with my useless knowledge, then wither when they don't listen to me, go with the mascots, and STILL end up ahead of my picks. That being said, I know someone who started the most creative, inventive, still skill-driven (my work is starting some square pool...no skill...LAME) pool I have ever heard of. Check this out. Low entry fee. Lots of people. You don't hand in a bracket (just in your head). You hand in ONE guaranteed winner per ROUND. You can never re-use the same team. You lose if your team loses OR you run out of teams. VERY exciting. I have won it once in four years, and lost in the final game two of the years...because I ran out of teams. BRILLIANT.
10b) One more NASCAR thing. Apparently, Keselowski can keep his phone in his car during races. Apparently, he tweets updates. NOW, I am moving on...
11) I am not sure why I don't own Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, since I do that damn opera scene and talking out of your butt scene in real life regularly (that is unfortunately true...SLOWLY maturing), but I am very happy that I have that, the UK/ Georgia game, and Colbert Report on flipper. Like an old school Old Milwaukee commercial, it doesn't get better than this. Hold on, the bathroom scene is on...
12) Donald Driver and Martina Navratilova will be on Dancing with the Stars I hear. There is such a gray area joke in that statement that I am going to take the high road. I. Will. Not. Touch. It.
13) If I am Tom Crean in the NCAA's, I am having my team watch Top Gun before each tourney game. Why? Because "that's right,____ (hitting Ice on shoulder), I AM dangerous." In case you care, although they have had some less than stellar losses, they have beaten THREE teams in the top 5 this year. Not saying they make a run (that would be NEXT year when that top 3 recruiting class arrives in Bloomington), but I wouldn't want to see them in March. At all.
13a) Indiana ripped a solid Michigan State team this week. MSU's Green? 10 FG. Rest of team? 10 FG. Done and done.
14) In my new "wow, I am a late bloomer and slow learner in the kitchen" take, here is my input for the week. I have eaten plain cream cheese my entire life. In the last two months (our partners bring bagels once a week to work-yay for my tapeworm), I have become addicted to jalapeno and garlic-herb cream cheese. Simply delicious, and I guess better late than never.
15) I find the whole Ben Howland situation in UCLA very intriguing. A tough, defensive minded coach goes to a place where recruiting is still plentiful due to location, the ocean, some guy named John Wooden, and a 1995 Ed O'Bannon present to the university (a random championship) to keep them on the radar. I hear he has lost control of his team. No joke on this, except that I am surprised, feel bad for the university's tradition, and now know that in about 1 year, Reeves Nelson will be on my "special team" after Terrell Owens retires from the Indoor Football League. As usual in my rules, Reeves, you have to do 3 bad things with the law (strip club things count double), and then I will send Marcus Vick to come pick you up drunk. Sebastian Janikowski will be your first interview. Good plan.
16) Article that I would have found less interesting if I had opened it, so I didn't. "Mattingly says that L.A. is a Dodgers town." In related news, SNL is bringing back Jack Handy's segments.
17) My mother reads my blog, comments on one hook, and then gives me advice on another take...just to let me know she read it. What did she do, Tuesday? She sent me the recipe for deviled eggs. Too funny. She SO rocks.
18) I watched another UNC basketball game this week. I am not a hater, I am a realist about their talent, and just am slightly concerned about their drive. That being said, I WILL say this. If PG Marshall has a jump shot (which he doesn't), the only team that could hang with them this year is Kentucky (talent and defensive prowess), Ohio State (Aaron Craft, the best on ball defender in the nation at that position, would irritate the SHIT out of him during a game), and Syracuse (the extended 2-3 zone wouldn't allow him THAT many open shots with a refurbished jumper). He doesn't have a shot, though, so I will continue to say that they can't win 6 straight when it counts. Sorry, boss. I ALMOST complimented them.
18a) Did anyone else notice that, for about an hour, ESPN had on their front page (Saturday), the Maryland-UNC game score with an action photo. Maryland was down 23 for the most part. Confused.
19) In my "pot calling the kettle black" hook, Floyd Mayweather has said that "Manny is not one of the sharpest knives in the drawer and there is no way we will split 50-50." Dude, when is your birthday? I am going to send you a tape recorder, a mirror, and an alarm clock that hits you in the face to wake up.
20) If you would have told me at the beginning of the season that Xavier AND UCONN would not be in the tourney, I would have had Flotd Mayweather punched you. Just like Bon Jovi gave love a bad name, they are giving "great on paper" a bad name. Horrible letdowns this year. There is SO much NBA talent on both of those teams, UCONN is most likely out barring another miraculous Big East tourney (7-10 in conference play AND you lose to Providence?? I don't see any Billy Donovan playing guard or Rick Pitino coaching that team), and Xavier is bubble territory and probably at least needs to get to the conference final to be considered. Maybe that little scrap with Cincinnati did more than bust up Frease's face. Things are so bad with these teams that they are projecting that TWO Pac-12 teams could get in the tournament. THAT would be just plain nuts...at least over the last 10 years or so.
21) Workout to THIS. Korn. Narcissistic Cannibal. Try not to hit someone or run into a wall. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CUOlc_j4rMA
22) MLB is close to announcing their expansion of the playoffs. I have said it before, and I will say it again. Wildcard? Genius. More teams? Nope. Slippery slope, Selig, and you have your snow gear on and the fastest sled in Greenland.
23) NBA Draft. Besides the random foreign guys who will play across seas for two more years and will slowly drift from your memory, meet the other person you will not recognize. Leading scorer in the nation, people. http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/neighborhoodutahcounty/53439945-138/points-lillard-state-added.html.csp
24) Jon Stewart had a funny bit this week on The Daily Show. He was talking about how it is being reported how the Pope is on Twitter now and uses iPads. He did a bit about the first time the Pope registered, and how it asks you what your name will be. He writes in "thepope," and it says that that name is already used. He loses it and become very confused. "But I am the Pope." I am just writing it, so humor gets lost in translation, but trust me, it was funny. He then tries "thepope2," and that is also taken.
25) They are not locked out, but damn did that new deal really mess up the fun of the NHL trading deadline. Observe. http://espn.go.com/nhl/story/_/id/7634661/nhl-families-deal-trade-deadline-moves Exciting stuff, aye????? Know these guys? Not most of them...
26) In reaching out to fans and trying to help the world's health, Derrick Rose apologized to fans that he cost them free Big Macs. Touching, and evidently it was a slow day on the wire. Diego Maradona and Ron Artest must have had a movie night.
27) Someone asked me if I watched 30 Rock. I don't. After thinking about how many times people have asked me "have you seen _________? it is SO hilarious!" I realized this. I should pat myself on the back. I am that guy whose wife died, and then goes the rest of his life knowing that he will never fall in love again, and therefore doesn't like anyone beyond a certain level. He will die and say his only love was ________________. This is how I treat Seinfeld. I will never find another sitcom love. My heart will forever be with that show and nothing better can ever come out.
28) Jamie Moyer is trying to make the starting pitching staff of the Colorado Rockies. It is not weird, and you respect the guy for trying, until you bring up a photo of his rookie year and one of this year. Two different people almost. Good luck, man. Good luck.
29) This is the year of Baylor!! This is the year of Missouri!!! Kansas is reloading!!! Nope. I try to find coach of the year candidates that are more off the radar, but Thomas Robinson has a legit shot to win player of the year, and this is easily Bill Self's best coaching job so far at that school.
30) Ryan Braun should have just said "I am happy it is over and I am excited to play baseball." Instead, he pissed off the experienced sample collector. I was surprised that sample collectors are allowed to keep samples at their house over weekends, but the seal was the same, and Ryan has a huge asterisk in my eyes. Dude, don't give THAT guy his 15 minutes. He will rip you.
31) The NFL will open the season next year with a Wednesday game. I was surprised to see this, but now know I will have the free time. After watching this week's Criminal Minds, I know that I will have open time from 8-9pm. I am quickly giving up on the show. After having an episode with a wheelchair killing machine where the family cleans up after the kill, and a 1984 gray, no window A-Team van as the vehicle of choice, this show is quickly approaching CSI: Miami territory. NOT a good thing. Laughable. If one of the main characters suddenly starts wearing sunglasses, I am quitting. Hanging it up. The writers are the UCONN and Xavier of TV.
31a) By the way, Criminal Minds, the whole "having a dream" thing when you watched your kid walk was painful. Painful.
32) Drew Brees and New Orleans are still far apart on contract negotiations. Given that the team gave him a chance after SD gave up on him and given the class act he is, I would bet my car that they find a way. Not a big bet, but I AM retired. Sleep easy, N.O. fans.
33) I dodged a bullet this week. Not an actual bullet, but a stop by my favorite place, McDonald's. My jeep has 160k miles on it. Her name is Eleanor. I love her, and could win the lottery and would still keep her. But, things break in an old vehicle. My driver side window does not go down anymore (I am an optimist-at least it didn't get stuck at the BOTTOM, right? That actually happened to my first car, my '78 Thunderbird). I drove past the McDonald's because I didn't want to be the guy who had to open the door to pay for my McDouble and fries. Nice work, Eleanor.
34) The sky is blue, the grass is green, and somewhere a NFL receiver is unhappy. Mario Manningham is 50-50 about coming back with the Giants. Really? Speaking of grass (take it easy, Marcus Vick. Go back to your Halo game and 40 of St. Ides), it might not be greener on the other side, bro. Hang with Eli a few more years.
35) Speaking of wide receivers, the Steelers are in a tough spot. They are 2.5 mil under the cap. They already are releasing Hines Ward, a two time SB champion who would take less money to stay, and now they are not going to franchise Mike Wallace. I am worried. We might go from a stable of badass wide receivers to being scarce at the position. They will probably be able to keep him, but that is like me being married to Halle Berry and letting her go out on the town...a lot.
36) Bobby Valentine is the Red Sox manager. Bobby Valentine lauds retiring Varitek for going after ARod. Bobby Valentine bans alcohol in the clubhouse. ARod fires back at Valentine, saying he must be bored. Guys, can't you all figure out a better plan to re-energize the rivalry? This is the best you got? Give the writers from Criminal Minds a call. They are not very inventive either.
37) Tiger Woods wanted to be a SEAL at some point instead of a golfer. Haney's book is getting to Tiger during interviews. Tiger shot a +1 today at the Honda Classic, a course he has never played since being an amateur. Things are tough in the Woods camp. Still saying he takes the Masters this year. Yup. I HAVE to be right sometime, right?
38) The sky is still blue, the grass is still green, and the Rams are rumored to be shopping the #2 pick. Word is that they had a wind machine behind Robert Griffin when he ran that 4.41 40 (sorry, I reported it as a 4.38 last rant-I don't have an editor or that guy Tony on the wings in PTI). Of COURSE, they are freaking trading the pick. They have Bradford, and want RGIII to be as high as possible.
39) TSIB, TGIG (that is my new acronym for the sky is blue take), and the Celtics want to trade Rajon Rondo. Difference in mentalities of franchises. Tony Parker is the rookie PG who wins a championship, and he ain't going NO WHERE...ever Rondo wins the championship in his rookie year, and the guy is on auction constantly. Confused.
40) I love pre-March Madness. South Florida/ Louisville. Must win going INTO Louisville. What happens? They win. They went home and played Trivia Pursuit with the bubble boy for being this year's Virginia Tech.
41) I see that Quizno's has a lobster sandwich special. I love Quizno's specials. They are inventive, and taste good. But lobster? Unless you live in Nebraska (extremely inland, not busting on Nebraska (this is total stream of consciousness-cut me a break)), you are NOT ordering that sandwich. Unless I see a Quizno's with a helicopter landing pad on top of the building (where they would fly in seafood), I will stick with the italian, the prime rib, etc.
42) In the Linsanity "rebuttal" of Linsanity not existing anymore, he went out and had 13 assists and 1 TO the other night. You didn't hear about it? That is because it was against the Cavs.
43) Just like John Elway supports Tim Tebow every 2.6 weeks, Davis Love plays like he used to every 2.6 years. He shot a 64 today at the Honda Classic. You grab the DeLorean, I will grab the flux capacitor.
44) Thanks, Missouri. One less possible directional school for the SEC schools before the death in waiting conference schedule begins. They are discussing going to a 9 game conference schedule. Southwest Missouri State's phone is ringing literally off the hook.
45) I just saw a commercial for a new playstation that allows you to keep playing the same game AFTER you leave your house, allowing you to not have to call into work with a fake excuse because you are actually playing Halo. Great. In a related story, I am predicting that car crashes go up 5% in the next 6 months because they can finally finish the game while driving. I LOVE games. I just play my friends though because I know my personality. Shit, if I wanted to really up the ante, I would have had a Golden Tee machine in my apartment back in 2000. That would have been the END.
46) Pre conference championship week NCAA bball breakdown and Final Four predictions:
1-UK: I am a believer. Book flights to NO.
2-Cuse: I have been a believer all season. No official go-to guy, but solid guard play, deep bench, and the capability to win 6. Don't book flights, but be on standby.
3-KU: Nope. Taylor and TR would have to be magical. The other 3 guys will let them down at some point.
4-Duke: Worst on the ball defenders of the good teams. I don't think Rivers is totally bought in, and it really bothers me that Mason Plumlee can't make free throws. Nope.
5-Mich St: Loss at IU aside, this team can play multiple types of game paces. Very good trait to have in the tourney. They are tough, have talent, and Izzo will do it again. They are in mine.
6-UNC: I don't like their shooting, but if I don't have four teams at the end of this breakdown, I will include them.
7-Mizzou: Put them in the UNC slot-if I run out of teams, I will take them. Fast paced designed team playing slower.
8-Marquette: exciting, but exciting doesn't cut it. Nope.
9-Baylor: I was an early fan, but no guard play. Can't do it. I don't think...
10-Ohio State: Ahhh. Choosing the old snake in the grass method. Laying low. These guys will be there.
Roundup:
Final Four: UK, Cuse, Ohio State, and UNC/Mizzou/ Baylor depending on draw.
Elite Eight: Wichita State
Shocker sweet 16 and possibly elite 8: Creighton
First round SHOCKER: Iona over someone
47) Quick thanks to my readers. I literally pour my heart, soul, knowledge, time, and sports love into these rants. I would write these if 5 people read it (which was the case for a while), and my goal was 500 hits for February, and hit 900. THANK YOU. I hope you are enjoying it, and please tell at least one person if you like it. Pay it forward.
48) That is it. Early call with someone in Saudi Arabia, meaning my 630 means 430 their time. As one shepherd said to the other shepherd, I am going to get the flock out of here. Peace. Next rant. Monday night. Check me out Tuesday.
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