Oh, now I see what you are saying. It had to be Professor Plum in the library with a candlestick.

Read it, don't read it, I don't care...just needed to get some things off my chest.


In no particular order of chronology or importance...


Walk softly and carry an armored tank division, I always say.


1)  UK's starting five have all declared for the NBA draft, fresh off this year's championship.  Their group declaration reminds of the group declaration from the Florida crew.  Sure, it might not be as cool, as the UK team made the jump after only one championship as opposed to two, BUT the UK team did it with primarily freshman.  Anthony Davis and Kidd Gilchrist are going to be studs at the next level without a doubt.  Personally, I think everyone was ready who declared at the base level, but I personally think that Marcus Teague could really have benefited from one more year.  I hate to call anyone the weakest link, but just saying he would have been a high lottery pick with another go around.  But, someone will show him the money regardless. maybe mid to late first round.  In a related story, the Charlotte Bobcats dropped their 18th in a row.  EIGHTEEN.  That is a lot.  It makes us wonder about how idiotic the statement is that the UK team could take them in a game.  Hmmmm.  They are surely making it more of a thinker than I expected.  Anyway, if the Bobcats lose their last 5 games, they will have the lowest winning percentage in NBA history.  As Dennis Leary once said, you got to have goals.


1a)  At least if the Bobcats don't win the ping pong ball battle, they will be able to at least grab one of these Wildcats.  Some type of irony.


2)  Tennessee's Pat Summit announced her resignation this week.  CLASS.  ACT.  And quite the winner, also.  She built a dynasty, and probably is going out at the right time at 59 years old and with her physical condition.  Even without winning this last year, I will say that she retired pretty much on top.  We will miss you, Pat.  Forget about her wins for a second.  EVERY player who completed eligibility in her time graduated, and there are 74 of her former players, assistants, etc. that are in coaching positions at some level of basketball.  I didn't hear her speeches and just watched the championships from afar, but I get the feeling that every woman who left her team was a better person from her teachings.


3)  After weeks of living in a bubble and possibly believing they were actually confusing the public, Indianapolis announced today that they...are going to take Andrew Luck at #1.  Wow.  You guys threw me on that one.  The grass is green, the sky is blue, yada yada yada.


4)  Serenity now.  The NFL season schedule was announced this week, and the home town team Broncos get to lock horns with my Steelers.  Sweet.  It might be far from a playoff game, but considering a lot of those Steelers were playing in that loss last year, I feel good about their chances.  It is not really payback, as it is not a playoff game, but I will enjoy reading the Denver Post talking about Peyton being 0-1 for a week.


4a)  In a related story, and taking a break from busting on the ugliness of the Nike uniforms of Maryland and Oregon, the Steel have said they will wear these retro uniforms for a game this year.  Horrible.  http://aol.sportingnews.com/nfl/story/2012-04-18/pittsburgh-steelers-throwback-uniform-jersey-nike-football


5)  THIS is what I am talking about.  Expand your mind, rappers.  This song is AWESOME (and also the highest non sports hook ever in my rant).  A song ENTIRELY about eating cereal watching Saturday morning cartoons.  Incredible. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zfBl3Hnopo


5a) By the way, my favorite superheroes I guess were Green Lantern and Aquaman.  I kind of got juked.  I watched Spiderman and his Amazing Friends, and my older brother kind of jacked Iceman from me before I got into it totally.  I took Aquaman because I feel more comfortable in the water than on land (still true at my age).  I took Green Lantern because it was too hip to go with Superman (sorry, Jerry Seinfeld, this was WAY before your time).  Anyway, he was the second most powerful (or so I thought...as long as he didn't leave home without that ring), and I guess that has continued throughout my life.  I don't like the Bald Eagle.  Too mainstream.  I like the Golden Eagle.  When I have a few and am talking sports, I sometimes am known to say "oh yeah?  He is the Golden Eagle of QB's."  Take THAT and rewind it back.


6)  Article I didn't feel the need to open as I didn't think more insight would help me.  "Dante West gives Gordon Hayward a wet willie."  I didn't have to dig for that one amazingly.  Thanks for letting us know the hot news, sports websites. 


7)  A Jets player has come out and said that practicing now is like going through plays of two entirely different offenses.  And I thought I got confused.  You take two different offenses, Rex Ryan's mouth, Tim Tebow's media circus, empty promises in past years, and a rapidly increasing doubt about their "franchise QB,"  and you have a science experiment just WAITING to explode.  It is like that baking soda volcano I made in 4th grade for a science fair.


8)  Speaking of Waiting, when the hell did Ryan Reynolds become a superstar?  I saw him in Waiting, he was hilarious, and then suddenly he is playing superheroes and other prominent roles left and right.  Confused.  Hey, Rip, how long have we been asleep?


9)  The Pens spanked the Flyers 10-3 in Game 4.  Someone actually asked if I was surprised about that being a Flyers fan.  I answered basically that I had NO thinking that Pittsburgh would be swept-they are too good (still wasn't happy about the score considering it was in the Flyers' crib).  My thoughts?  The Flyers will drop the next one also in an Instant Classic, and then win it in 6 games at home.  Book it.  (Will I be MAD if they win the next one?  Uhhh, no)


10)  LeBron scored the final 17 points in a win against the Nets this week.  He shot 83% in the final period.  Pretty damn impressive, bro.  I am sure the Heat management were thrilled to watch you go have such a nice, friendly conversation with Nets owner Jay-Z afterwards, too.  He is under contract, so I don't think it would work, but conspiracy theory #1 says that Nets owners hope he wins one in Miami, wants to prove his OWN worth away from Wade, somehow gets out of his contract, somehow comes to the Nets, and that this Dwight Howard saga continues its dumb path also and they snag him also for their move to Brooklyn.  Just thinking out loud, people.  I don't think those dominoes fall anything like that.  This IS a rant, for Pete's sake.  Stream of consciousness.


11)  The Clippers are in the playoffs.  Ok, Blake and Chris, let's see what you got.  You are in the party.  I will be rooting for them, although I still think they are missing a piece for a title run.  Their year is sometime in the next two years most likely.  I DO like that the team they beat to clinch the spot was the Thunder.  Nice statement.  With the Thunder competing with the Spurs for the #1 seed, it is not like they were playing in a lower gear.


12)  I am just talking here.  Taking Andrew Luck out of the mix as the obvious ringer, I will say this as I glance through the rest of the forecasted top ten in mock drafts.  I think the two players I like the most are USC's Matt Kalil and OSU's Justin Blackmon.  Kalil looks like a fine, perennial, solid, offensive lineman, and I think Blackmon is a prototype-looking WR that is downright scary.  He is not as obvious specimen as Calvin Johnson was a couple years ago, but I would say he is only behind Calvin by only about 1/2 tier.  He could play on my team any day of the week.


13)  Teddy Bruschi makes me feel slightly lazy.  He is retired after giving his all in one of the most physically demanding sports in the world.  He should be tired I think, and relaxing.  What is he up to?  He just finished the Boston Marathon, after completing his last adventure.  What was the previous one?  Climbing Mount Kilamanjaro.  Slacker.


13a)  I could be interested in doing the mountain climb-sounds fun.  The marathon?  No interest.  I am athletic, and could probably suck it up to train for it, but there is a problem.  I get bored running.  Really bored.  I can swim for hours in a pool in my own thoughts, but I have NO interest in not only running 26 miles in the first place, but actually training for it.  I would be training for a race where I would be bored shitless DURING the actual event.  I can think of other things to aspire to do.  Running ain't one of them.


13b)  Speaking of running and by the way, don't you love those songs that make you think of one random thing and one thing only?  If it relates to a movie, you don't even remember what you thought of during that song previously.  Well, WHENEVER I hear Jackson Browne's Running on Empty, I think of Forrest Gump.  That is it.  Not only is it an awesome movie, but I think that if I DID train for a run, I would just have that song on repeat.  LOVE that scene.


14)  I was always taught to never buy things like batteries in the cheaper variety.  Go with the Energizers and Duracells.  I am going to add something else to this cliche'd list.  Toilet bowl cleaners.  My freaking toilet was blue for about 8 flushes.  EIGHT.  Moving on.


15)  Five days after saying he was making the whole thing up, the guy who is accusing Bernie Fine of sexual abuse now says he actually was telling the truth the first time.  Listen, bro.  This story is weird and disturbing enough.  And I am sure your mind is a little messed up if the tragic events did happen, but get your freaking ducks in a row, think before you talk, and don't become the sexual abuse version of the Little Boy Who Cried Wolf.


16)  This whole Vikings stadium unrest got me thinking.  I am lucky.  I like teams that I could never fathom going ANYWHERE.  I had never thought about this before.  What would happen if say the Steelers switched towns?  Would I stick with them?  How do you people handle it who have had it happen to you?  Colts, Expos, Sonics, Rams fans...call me.  My buddy, a Vikings fan, was asked today would he still like the Vikings if they moved.  He answered pretty quickly that he would be a Broncos fan if that happened and adopt the home team.  It makes sense.  You lose your camaraderie with your city.  Well, I probably will never have to deal with it luckily.  But it still is weird I had never pondered it.


17)  This is gray area, but it is on my list.  Got to do it.  Sorry.  I was watching The Colbert Report and he was talking about women power and then he...no.  I can't do it.  It is crossing the line of my rant.  How about you do this?  Go Google "Colbert Report Camry (and then a word that is one of the things on your foot)"  That is all I will give you, but I DID almost roll of the couch when he put it up on the screen.  


18)  Phillies Cliff Lee and Giants Matt Cain pitched masterpieces the other other night...against each other.  I was sorry I missed it, but these are the types of games I love to watch, when both pitchers have some of the best hitters in the world just plain confused.  Cliff Lee pitched 10 innings without allowing a run...and lost.  http://sports.yahoo.com/news/matt-cain-cliff-lee-quick-yet-memorable-performances-160900599.html


19)  I know I am not the hippest person, and I know that it is a good thing I am not a detective as I notice pretty much nothing in detail that goes by me in the world on a daily basis.  I would be the WORST person to have a horrible crash, murder, or robbery take place in front of me.  The police would ask me what they looked like...and I would say things like "average, maybe jeans, not sure if he had a hat on, it was either a Cadillac or a Jeep, etc."  ANYWAY, I like Stone Sour as a band, and I like Slipknot to work out to here and there.  Evidently, I need to open up the CD case and read a little, because I had NO idea that Slipknot was actually Stone Sour's lead singer's side project.  Totally missed that one.


19a) One more thing on the music front.  How did I EVER miss THIS song?  This dude twanging out a country/ southern rock/ redneck version of Snoop's Gin and Juice.  Classic.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_r-M9gipm9s


20)  In the story that almost made me drop the glass in my hand like Agent Kujan in Usual Suspects after he figured out he got worked by Kevin Spacey, Larry Brown accepted the head coaching position at SMU this week.  This is great.  I think he is great.  I think SMU's kids will learn a lot of basketball.  That being said, while reading the story, one phrase caught my eye and made me realize how crazy this story is.  Ready?  "This being Brown's first college coaching position in a QUARTER CENTURY..."  Wow, some coaches take off a year to gather their thoughts, hang with their kids, and get the drive back.  Larry just waits 25 years because he likes round numbers.


21)  Bobby Petrino's aide who got him in trouble and fired at Arkansas resigned this week.  Well, you knew this was coming.  The grass is green, the sky is blue, and once you are a hot female involved in some type of sexual something-gate, you lose the job and go to Playboy for a shoot.  Just thinking aloud here.  I have heard nothing about such a thing.  Give me a call, Playboy, when you get her signed on. I will buy the issue.  


22)  Donovan McNabb has proclaimed to the world that he feels his body of work is a Hall of Fame career.  Easy, tiger.  You must have just watched A Few Good Men.  Just because Kaffee convinced Colonel Jessep to pony up doesn't mean that you are going to influence the HOF writers to put your above average career in lights. Dan Marino didn't win a Super Bowl, but his career was quite obvious of his worth.  You?  Seven division titles, 1 conference championship, and 0 rings.  Your stats weren't exactly off the charts.  Not buying what you are selling, and I hope you can handle the truth.


22a)  A Few Good Men is like the court version of Rocky I.  It is decent throughout, the training seen is badass, and the ending makes it top flight.  Well, you can call the training scene in A Few Good Men right after Kaffee gets drunk in the rain, is cornered by Demi Moore, and starts thinking he can win, and the fight scene would be...well, you know it, but here it is to enjoy again.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8hGvQtumNAY


23)  Thank you, Steelers Mike Wallace.  Thanks for announcing that you need Larry Fitzgerald money and therefore scaring away all possible suitors.  Your tunnel vision looks like it will allow the Steelers to re-sign you.  We are not re-signing you for your media or monetary savvy, just so you know.  Good thing.


24)  This Dwight Howard thing is so he said-she said.  Reports are coming out constantly with other reports refuting them.  This is like the basketball, non-retiring version of Brett Favre in the mid 2000's.
By the way, Dwight, if what they are saying now IS true (that he won't play for Stan Van Gundy), you are going to lose a lot of fans.  Whether you are unhappy or not, and now with a vague back injury, you ARE paid a LOT of money to play a game in front of people.  Hope it is not true, and I do feel good about it being not true.  I don't think he rolls that way.




25)  Rules are rules, people, and I care about this because of my sudden intrigue in the catching of tuna and rising prices/ no specials in grocery stores.  This guy got screwed.  http://content.usatoday.com/communities/gameon/post/2012/04/fishermans-world-record-tuna-catch-wont-count/1#.T5DOFbO0yfg


26)  Some people go to the gym to relieve the stress.  Some tell their significant other.  Redskins Jabar Gaffney feels it is best to tweet all of his contract/ workout missing thoughts.  Thanks, Jabar, for opening up to us.  Go get a puppy.  We don't care.


27)  Listen, rest of the world.  We get it.  Soccer is the most popular sport.  Oh, and thanks for this enlightening survey.  I feel smarter after reading about it. http://www.theaustralian.com.au/news/breaking-news-old/soccer-is-like-sex-for-fans-european-study-finds/story-fn3dxity-1226333618488


28)  I am going to take a day off from work.  I am going to clear off my coffee table.  I am going to turn off everything and set up a video camera.  I will put my iPod shuffle headphones on the coffee table and record it motionless on the coffee table for 8 hours.  I hope to find out something.  I SWEAR they were untangled when I went to work and had them in my backpack, and it took 7 minutes for me to unravel them when they were stationary for 10 hours.  How do they DO that?  They are alive or something, and I plan to get to the bottom of this...just like the news van on my street.  My people will be in touch with your people about my findings.  I know you are excited about this project.


29)  Can't do much from the bench, Pens Aaron Ashman.  Nice, brutal crosscheck to the Adam's Apple of your opponent, and now you have to sit out in crucial games with your team against the wall.  Not.  Smart.


30)  I am not swaying from my preseason NBA predictions, barring an long absence from Derrick Rose. Bulls over Heat, Thunder over Clippers in Conference Finals.  Bulls over Thunder in Finals in six.  Sticking with it.  Like the Bulls a lot, the Thunder's time is not yet, the Clippers are one player and one year away, and the Heat have no post players or height inside (please do NOT say the words Joel Anthony), and no consistent shooters.


31)  I am not good at jokes, and I am not funny, but there HAS to be a Secret Service joke with some of the following lines.  Something about why didn't the Secret Service agent not wear a condom, and something about protecting the President...I am freaking Hall and Oates this week.  So close, yet so far away.


32)  Ozzie Guillen is back.  Dude, just release a photoshopped pic of a foot in your mouth, and call it a day.  Or, have more interviews in your office with that monstrous liquor reserve in the background.  Either works.


33)  Sean Payton is banned from any contact with the Saints for the year.  Would have LOVED to be a fly on the wall in his last conversation with coaches and players.  Maybe he mentioned the Green Bay Packers in it.  The joke is there, I promise.  It is an obtuse pull, but it is there.  Trust me.


34)  I agree with Elaine.  The English Patient was a dumb movie.  Stupid.  And I agree with the bathtub statement too.  The episode was just on and reminded me.


35)  If you are trying to like hockey, and want to find a game that REALLY will get you to possibly love it.  I will tell you this.  Catch Game 5 of the Pens/ Flyers Friday at 730 Eastern time.  This one will be a CLASSIC.


36)  That is it.  I did this in 95 minutes again.  I am trying to keep it streamlined, although I do have a LOT going on in my head and could probably keep going...it just that whole full time JOB thing that stops me.  Hope you enjoyed it.  Next rant will be Monday night.  Have a great weekend.  As one shepherd said to the other shepherd, I am going to get the flock out of here.  Peace. Last thought.  I am building this the old fashioned way.  It is growing.  If you like this, please pass along this link to a couple people over the weekend.  I would very much appreciate it.