Read it, don't read it, I don't care...just need to get some things off my chest.
In no particular order of chronology or importance...
Hollywood, you're looking good. I am going after Viper.
1. What a night of baseball last night. What a night. I hope it is a foreshadowing of what the playoffs are going to be. Rain delays, 7 run comebacks, flipping all over the place, etc. The only thing that was missing? How the heck did they play those crazy games and neither league ended up in a playoff game? True, I love The Daily Show and Colbert Report. They are brilliant shows. I THOUGHT I had a good chance at watching a sudden death game tonight though. It would have been special. But let's look at last night again. The Cards won pretty easily, and then faked not watching the game with the media but then were caught. Good one. Anyway, the Cards have a nice staff with an ace or two, and a lineup that is baffling of how not good it is. They are kind of an enigma. As a Phils fan, I would rather be playing the Braves personally. St. Louis is 6-3 against the Phils this year. You look at the other series, the Brewers and DBacks, and you drool. You can't drool yet though. I get the feeling that the National League pennant series is starting Saturday. The Braves only have the luxury of a little less history and ravenous fans, but they get company in the headlines with the Red Sox posting a free fall like Rosanne Barr skydiving. Regardless of who we wanted or not wanted, I respect that Charlie Manuel played his starters even though the game was meaningless. Old freaking school, sir. In the AL, you had the irony of the Yankees having to help the Red Sox by beating the Rays. I can't wait for these conspiracy theories. It is almost like they teased them. 7-0, and then they lose. They now get to play the Tigers. Lucky them. Give me Detroit in that series (I have said for two months that there is NO WAY most teams can beat them in a best of five...best of 7, sure), and if that happens, suddenly the Rangers path looks like one where they should DEFINITELY kick themselves if they don't make the World Series. Bottom line is that you won't be surprised no matter who comes out of the AL. You just KNEW Buck Showalter was going to have his boys play hard to take down the Red Sox. Not only do you want to end your season with a win, but he is like the American League version of Charlie Manuel. Also, old freaking school. Give me Milwaukee, Philly, Detroit, and Texas...Philly and Texas...Philly. If I am wrong on the American League and the Yankees make the Series, that is fine with me. I would be glad for my boys to take down those guys. Done and done. Also, I get so excited at this time of year. I admit. I have a hard time sitting down and watching an entire baseball game in the middle of the summer. There are so many games, that each one seems not as meaningful. Maybe it is my background, and I love GOING to games, but I just can't do it in whole games. I watch the stats like a hawk, watch parts of games here and there, always try to catch the good ones in parts, and love when I am watching something that could turn into a no-hitter, MLB record of some kind, etc. The playoffs? WAY different story. I love every second of every game. There is so much finality in EVERY single move a manager makes. There is always a chance for an at bat that changes history. I love it, and can't wait until tomorrow when it starts. When managers start bringing in starters as closers in games, it is just freaking awesome.
2. What did YOU do on your summer vacation, Johnny? We know what Ben Wallace is doing. Mr. Wallace finished a long day of shooting drills, dribbling practice, and free throws. Just kidding. He lifted weights. He actually did some shooting drills, but since he was by himself on the court, he actually calls that rebound practice. That is how he is so good at rebounding. ANYWAY, he went out and got a DWI. Insiders say that he was saying at the bar, "this is the ONLY place I get too many shots..." Good job, bro. Europe and China not calling you??? Lonely? Do me a favor though, Ben. I would say hire an on-call limo driver to be safe, but I see what happened to another king of rebound with a driver...maybe not the best idea for you...
3. If you get unemployed, don't call Ozzie Guillen to express your sob story. Dude had the quickest turn around I remember, by parting with the White Sox and getting picked up with the Marlins in no time. He can talk a little shit, not that he has ever needed a reason. He is going to a club where everyone on the field can invite like 1000 people a piece for tickets, they HAVE won twice before so it can happen, they are at a low so he can only go up, he got Chicago a World Series Championship so the fans there can't bitch, and Florida has nice weather. Why not, dude?
4. I see there is a new movie coming called The Three Musketeers. I didn't look it up, but it just feels like there have been about 3 remakes and the Three Amigos in the last twenty years. Isn't there some Hollywood rule on how much you can remake movies? It is like a rap song having to wait a certain amount of years before using a song for their groove. Then, I watch the preview for Three Musketeers, and I think there are now four of them. Is that the huge plot twist? Is the chick in the preview the fourth? I am so confused.
5. I was in the gym locker room the other day. I am voicing this as a disclaimer because otherwise there is NO WAY I watch any part of the following interview. Some interview show with a chick as the host. Tamika Catchings was on. I thought nothing of it until the chick host said "good luck in tomorrow's game, Tamika." I froze. All I knew were that the WNBA playoffs were occurring. I wasn't sure who was in them, but then I went home and checked. Yes. Tamika was playing in a playoff game the day after the talk show. You want me to take the WNBA (Dawn Staley, I still think you are a badass) seriously and there is a player in an interview on a talk show in the middle of the series? Come on. Can you see MJ on Oprah before they rolled to Utah for Game 3? I think not. In case you care, the interview prompted me to score check the day after the game to see how she did. Her team lost. They are done.
6. David Stern has announced that the NBA's season is "in peril." Thanks, Einstein. What? Do you read my rant and want to win the "the grass is green, and the sky was blue" take? Thanks for clearing that shit up for us. I actually had no idea that the peril existed at this point. Actually, I did. Kobe has proactively come forward and announced where he will play if the season is cancelled. Yup. If he is talking about it, then the NBA is knee deep in shit right now. Mr. Stern, think about a couple things. You need the season. Trust me. First, every single sport that has had a strike/ lockout has taken 2-3 years to get its fans back. Second, there are a lot of basketball purists out there who have to force themselves to watch your brand of basketball (not me actually, I just talk to a lot of people who are in that camp)-don't give them more material. Third, LeBron will now have an out. "Dammit. THIS was the year! Damn that lockout. You would have seen the REAL me!" Fourth, close your eyes. David Stern, seriously, close your eyes. They're closed? OK. Imagine DeShawn Stephenson, Ron Artest, and Gilbert Arenas having too much free time. Yup. Thought so. Fourth (A), Kevin Garnett is a mean guy. Kevin Garnett was going to give a go for one more year. I wouldn't want him angry at me. Just saying.
7. Jose Reyes is within percentage points of Ryan Braun in the batting race, he hits a bunt single, and then takes himself out. I don't care how you spin this, this is loser-esque. Dude. If there was any sport of unwritten rules and etiquette that you don't pull this in, I would say it is baseball. Speaking of old school managers, something tells me that even though he is a phenomenal athlete and baseball player coming into his prime, that Charlie Manuel and Buck Showalter are not networking for your number. That would be like someone consciously sending Colonel Klink to the Russian Front. Not going to work.
8. Lock your windows and doors. Javaris Crittenton is out on bond. I guess I will have to now track killer bees AND Javaris on GPS alert.
9. I have seen that Channel 4 van drive down my street two more times this week at the relative same time. It must be a van he takes home. I HAVE to unlock this mystery. Have to.
10. I have gotten past my battles, but is it bad that I was mildly impressed that Al Unser got busted this week for speeding at 101 mph with a BAC of .16. Dude. Are you kidding me? 101 MPH?? DRUNK?? You must have been a racecar driver or something. Just because Chad, Ron, DeShawn, Sebastian, and Terrell had a quiet week doesn't mean you should be stupid and TRY to be a topic. Dumb. Just plain ole' dumb. I talked to the cops. They busted him when they noticed him going around a curve that went right.
11. Interesting situation at LSU. You are in the most intense fan base in the country, and your preseason starting QB gets his charges lessened to a misdemeanor. He is coming back, people. Les. Listen to me. Don't change a thing. Not a thing. You can go to sleep knowing you have the best backup QB in the land, but don't mess with what you got. Jarrett is doing just fine. More people will support you not bringing him back for football AND moral reasons than will support you if you make a change and lose. Don't do it.
12. In the wake of the Braves collapse, can anyone believe that Derek Lowe made $15 mil this season? Yup. $15 mil. 9-17 with a 5.05 ERA. Way to live up to that contract bro. The Braves are like whoever the hell signed the band Warrant to do an album in 1995. Insane. Yes. Someone did do that. I love that band, but am saying that no one should have signed them up in 1995. Hell, I think Pearl Jam already had 3 albums by then.
13. Tiger jacked Dustin Johnson's caddy. OK. Good start, moron. At least we know you have someone to carry your clubs. Now, you just need to work on those other two kind of important things, the space between your ears and...uhhh...your swing. Your swagger is gone. Stay away from Perkins, man. And evidently, don't call Al Unser, Jr. for a ride home if you DO go to Perkins.
14. STOP TELLING ME ABOUT SUPER CONFERENCES! That's it. I am over it. Just tell me where everyone ends up so I know what to memorize. Pick up Brett Favre to head up one, and I can totally throw my TV through my window.
15. NOT Moneyball. Freddy Garcia has been announced as the third starter for the Yankees. I don't even want to know how much the two guys he got picked over, Colon and Burnett, are getting paid.
16. The alleged tree poisoner has formally apologized to Auburn. That is like shedding tears while apologizing to someone for sleeping with their wife. Dude. Just a thought. I think I would watch the big game this year on your couch. Alone. Actually, I hear Steve Bartman would be interested in having a couple beers. Give him a ring.
17. I am confused. I remember growing up and eating chicken cordon bleu. I remember as a kid that I would bite into the chicken and the fancy cheese was in the middle, and usually drip down my chin. I have randomly had chicken cordon bleu twice in the last 6 weeks here in Denver. They put the cheese on the outside. A slice. It tastes great, but I need to know. Did cooks get lazy since the mid eighties? Was it a regional thing (I know, New Jersey is kind of the armpit of the nation anyway. Go ahead. Tell your jokes. I have heard most of them)? Is it a Denver thing? I am confused. I miss the cheese in the middle, dammit.
18. I know we are in an age of information. I know people want to know more because there is access to it. However, I really don't care and don't want to know this new information on Walter Payton. We remember that he was one of the greatest runners of all time. The sins aren't anything horrible on society, they are on himself. It is a sad story about the drugs and suicide threats. Unless the person brings them out themselves, I just don't see the point in making light of it. Let him rest in peace, man.
19. 40% people. That is my theory. In any big story, we know 40% tops. I am not going to get into the Simmonds/ Avery gay slur, and then the banana being thrown out at Simmonds. All I am saying that when the toughest guys in the world are carrying around sharp sticks and allowed to hit each other, I just get the feeling that this just happens to be one that was caught by the public eye. Something tells me a lot worse goes on out there. It is preseason. I will see if this develops anymore before commenting too much.
20. Check out the Stephen Colbert interview with Radiohead if you have a moment. It is pretty damn funny. Combine Colbert being pro-American, corporate Colbert with a non-corporate band where it was pretty obvious that either 1) the lead singer was totally smoked up 2) he has been smoked up for so long that he just comes across that way had me rolling off the couch. Plus, it is kind of funny when people get in front of Colbert in a Q & A and evidently weren't warned of how he rolls...
21. Adrian Peterson is confused about his amount of rushes. Join the club, bro. I am an unbiased outsider, but he has 58 rushes in 3 games. He is averaging 5.1 per rush. They are 0-3. I don't care what the damn score is. That guy is a freak of nature. He is like the running back version of Shannon Sharpe at the TE position back in the day. Give him the ball. No, he is not on my fantasy team. It is just an opinion.
22. Dammit. DAMMIT! There HAS to be a joke here somewhere. Hold on. No. Just not coming to me. The Big Three from the Heat are holding a charity game. The closest I got to a cheeseball one was "Dirk wanted to play it in Vail, but the Big Three said no-with-ski..." Moving on.
23. Picks:
Penn State -16 @ Indiana...JoePa is back on the sidelines and they look a lot better since that has happened. Take them this week before Stardust levels it out.
Georgia Tech -10.5 @ NC State...it is one thing for a good team to adjust to the triple option for one week when no one else plays it...it is another thing for a bad team to adjust...they win by two touchdowns...
Bama -4 @ Florida...have you people SEEN Bama play yet?...in Gainesville or not, the better team wins AT LEAST by a touchdown...
(BIASED PICK ALERT)
Wisconsin -10 at home vs. Nebraska...I am sticking with them. At home. More proof to the masses how good they are. Win your money before everyone else knows how good they are...trust me.
East Carolina +7 at home vs. UNC...The only good news for UNC is that because they take a bus to away games, they can't get parking tickets...
VA Tech -7 at home vs. Clemson...4-0? I don't care. Va Tech might have been a loss for me last week, but they are at home, and Clemson is a pretender...
Baylor -4 @ Kansas State...it is very obvious to me that Baylor is not televised in other parts of the country...run with this one... 31-10 is my call...Griffin is a stud.
24. Cutting it off. I know. Lack of NFL football this week, but I think I will bust out a rant on Saturday. Seinfeld moving to 11pm really jacked up my schedule. Talk to you this weekend. May the force be with you. Peace...
Good call on the Colbert interview.
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