090711-Toasters and News Vans

Read it, don't read it, I don't care...just need to get some things off my chest.


In no particular order of chronology or importance...


I missed a blog because of the holiday weekend.  You might need two sittings to read all I have to say.  Just giving you a heads up.  For all of those people who tell me that my rants are to long?  Sorry.  let's turn and burn...


1.  Konichiwa, people.  I won't talk about how my college football picks did last weekend (well, I guess I just did kind of).  I don't need to, it is only one week, and I don't want to jinx myself-it is just one week.


2.  Fred Taylor retires.  I love the guy.  He had an outstanding career.  I read an article talking about his Hall of Fame credentials.  Sorry, Fred. I was offended the guy even wrote the article.  You can devil's advocate me to death about him or RB's like Curtis Martin.  I get it.  But, don't waste space on any site writing that crap.  Class act.  Great runner.  He might have done more staying healthy, but how many guys have that excuse as a running back?  Lots.  That is who.  Go have a beer with Terrell Davis and talk to you later.


3.  Is Ohio State suddenly like crossing the Ghostbusters streams of Diego Maradona, Jennifer Capriati, and Pete Rose?  Or, if you feel the need to stay in the modern years, Ron Artest, Chad Ochocinco, and Albert Haynesworth?  Ohio State suspended more players for an unrelated reason than the Pryor gang.  Awesome. You guys are on a roll that Milan would be jealous of you.  Please get that joke, or just stop reading this and go watch the movie.  Now.  Too much to get to tonight.  I am not explaining anything.  This thing could run 70 takes.

 4.  In the "I know there is a joke there, but I can't find it" segment, Doug Flutie's daughter finally (after 4 tries) made the Patriot cheerleader team.  Damn.  Is her name Mary?  Something about a skin flute is coming in my head, but I can't finish it.  Moving on.


5.  Did you see how much Usain Bolt won the 200 by, and the anchor of the record setting 400 relay?  People.  Change the rule, and run that 100m again.  Dude is sick.  I would say that he is as fast as I would be with Halle...nevermind.  I just used that joke last week.  I still think it is funny by the way.


6.  Boring fact of the week, well, maybe for you...Can't guarantee it is true word for word, but it is close.  Which FBS school has the most amount of years on their coaching class either playing or coaching in the NFL?  Colorado.  63 years.  Amazing.  I am not being a homer because most of you know I stick with the teams I grew up with and not the towns I live in later in life, but I would watch these guys.  Someone asked me the question of why they can't get recruits.  I answered with a list of items, as I always do.  But.  With that staff, if I was an up and comer, I might think about taking a chance in the next few years and come play with them.


7.  I have never been a big carbonated beverage drinker, and I know I did this take about 15 rants ago, but call me, Coke Zero.  I love you, and would be honest on camera on how good you taste.


8.  Within 2 days in the earlier rounds at the US Open, Serena beat a chick 6-0, 6-1 and Djokovic almost threw the no-hitter also.  I have never seen such a frustrated young professional just hope he won a GAME as in the Djokovic match.  The crowd was going nuts.  By the way, if you don't get tennis, try this one.  I once watched at a high school match a "golden set."  It is amazing.  Forget winning 6-0, 6-1 or whatever.  Imagine watching someone not let the other person win a POINT.  His name was Mike Sell.  I have no idea what he is doing these days, but since he wasn't good enough to make it, I am sure as hell not losing any sleep in thinking that I could have made it if I would have applied myself more.


9.  My thoughts go out to the families of the KHL hockey team whose plane crashed today.  43 people dead.  My prayers are with you all.


10.  Here is your new workout song of the week.  It is my boys, Sixx AM again. Check it out.  Try not to bump into people at the gym.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dbjYLNxCwZ4

11.  Friendly or not, both top 40 ranked or not.  Hey, Klinsman, Belgium?  Come on.  What?  Is there a complex triangle offense in soccer you are installing?  Do you need to talk to John Paxson and Hank Winter?  Lock up, man.  I would LIKE to make a soccer take or two, but you are making it hard.  Plus, I have promised myself, that no matter WHAT is happening in my life in 2014, I am going to Rio to the World Cup.  Two birds with one stone.  USA.  Be good though.  It would be more fun.  


12.  I know LSU beat Oregon, but I HATE when top ranked teams jump over other teams who beat bad teams.  Uhhhh...I don't think that Alabama won 15-14.  They won 48-7!!!!!!!!!!!  Jesus, people.  Come on.  I know it means nothing right now, but let's get rid of this leapfrogging for no reason shit.


13.  New England just added Brian Waters.  Another forgotten veteran added to their squad.  The Pats are like the successful version of the Redskins over the last 10 years.  Yeah, I said that, Dan Snyder.  Oh, side note.  Tom Brady, who has no control over personnel decisions, but has mental control over the whole northeast sector of the United States, and has said he would welcome Randy Moss back.  Great.  A guy retires, and now Brett Favre has suddenly stopped his riding mower.


14.  Has anyone else noticed the SIZE of the microphones at the US Open for the referees in the high chair?  Holy shit!  I thought technology had ADVANCED.  How are the mic's getting bigger?


15.  Verlander just won his 22nd today.  We can focus just on the National league for suspense when the Cy Young trophy is in question.


16.  I am going to look it up.  No.  I refuse to.  No.  This is a blog.  Public forum.  I should look it up.  Nope.  I am staying strong.  Why the f%^& was their a NASCAR race on Tuesday???  The final stretch was very exciting on Sportscenter watching that final duel between Jeff Gordon and JJ,  but I thought those races were on Sundays.  So confused. When they were side by side, I was SO hoping he would pull that Days Of Thunder fake high, go low move.  It is either that or the opposite way.  Cut me a break.  I can't remember...I just know that rubbing's racing.


17.  Brett, restart your mower and keep on trucking.  David Garrard got released from the Jags.  There is now a veteran QB available who isn't 56 years old.  Why would you do that, Jacksonville?  It is not like you have stocked up on back up QB's.  Gabbert is not ready, and I didn't hear about Dave Krieg making a comeback.  What gives?


18.  I live in CO.  The preseason hype was they could win some stuff if Helton wasn't too over the hill.  Dude has like .307 average and 15 HR's.  What the hell are you other slackers doing?  And people wonder why I won't leave my Phils.  We are Saldana hot right now, and since Pence was added, I am not sure we have a weakness, unless you think that closer by committe IS one.  I think not.


19.  My mother is a great mom in a lot of ways.  But.  There are two trivial things that differentiate her from other moms, no matter how great you think your mom is.  1) she freaks out as much as I do every 5 years or so when I lose/ have to retire my Steelers hat (when I lose my hat, I always tell her and then have like 20 hats overnighted the next day at my doorstep)  2) she bought me a toaster that makes a Steelers logo on my toast in the morning.  Really, people.  It is true.  Freaking awesome.


20.  I did my yearly 14er this past weekend.  My two questions are this.  It is within bounds dangerous.  You are by yourself for many moments on the hike.  It would literally take a touch to push someone off an embankment.  And.  In general, how are there not more deaths on these 14ers?  I don't want to have to stop ranting because I am one of the few deaths, but how do all these people make it out of there ok?


21.  I know it was UNLV.  I know it was at home.  But.  Did anyone else see how good Wisconsin looked with Russell Wilson?  Sleeper national champion.  Trust me.


22.  I will never say I know everything about sports.  But this new rule I had to look up after watching it in a game happen.  Stay in the loop.  Read it, so you can tell your friends when it happens to you (luckily I was alone).  http://www.ncaa.org/wps/wcm/connect/public/NCAA/Resources/Latest+News/2011/April/PROP+approves+football+rules+changes

23.  Sharapova is OUT.  I truly meant to pick someone besides of the Predators.  That was White Men Can't Jump" too easy."  Anyway, give me Serena. 28 seed my ASS.


24.  I admit it.  I used to cheer for Bonds and Clemens.  What I admit now is that I read a headline with either involved and I move on.  I am a busy man, even though I am single.  I have things to do.  Clemens cheated, and the magic number in baseball is still 755 in my eyes.  Stop clogging the wire, losers.


25.  So.  You are telling me that the Dodgers went bankrupt and now some foreign investors want to buy them for 8.2 billion?  Remember, my rule is 40%.  This is important here.  We, as followers of sports, know 40% of the actual story.  In this case, the 60% is something HUGE.  Something is missing.  I don't get it.


26.  I love watching games that you are not watching but you still get into because of the unbelievable comeback you are watching on the ESPN bottom line because you are at a place that doesn't have it on.  Wow, Connor, that was quick.  I guess Garcia (South Carolina is who I am talking about) is back to being the starting QB, Lattimore is happier now, and I don't have to think there is women's college football (you have to read me each rant to get all of my jokes) going on when I see the score.


27.  Strasburg comes back only throwing 99 MPH?  That's it.  Ohh.  Now look up his first official MLB comeback start.  Yup.  I haven't reserved tix to Vegas, but if I end up there between now and April in 2012, bet your ass I am throwing $20 on Washington to win it all.  Blind bet right now, but I am thinking 300-1, maybe 200-1.


28.  Once again, Alex Smith gets the starting nod for SF.  Same day, same shit.  I couldn't IMAGINE being a SF fan.  Must be tough.  Well, at least since 1996.  Keep it real.  At least they brought back the West Coast offense for you guys.


29.  Oregon.  You are officially off the hook.  I have read articles about your uniforms.  I have watched the various combinations.  THEN.  What happens?  http://www.naplesnews.com/news/2011/sep/06/david-moulton-what-not-wear-college-football-style/?comments_id=1104426 Maryland outdoes you on ugliest uniforms EVER.  Side note.  My Mr. Miyagi, Bill Simmons, wrote a similar article about this: http://www.grantland.com/blog/the-triangle/post/_/id/3686/introducing-grantlands-bad-quarterback-league  If you don't think that article is funny, then just walk away.  Seriously.  Walk away.


30.  Yup.  I am at 30 takes, and just hitting stride.  I have a LOT of things to still get to. I will try for 60 takes or less and try to not miss a day ever again.


31.  Enigma I am glad I knew off the top of my head.  Actually, enigma I was kind of bothered I knew so quickly.  A CO runner was the first 1500m US winner of the World Championships since 1983.  Yup.  Mary Decker Slaney.  What?  Are you too young?  Check it out.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JziXi_NS3YY

32.  Hello, Mississippi State.  Just a heads up.  I don't care WHAT you tell me.  When I see 5 players suspended for 1 game from an opener, the only thing I think of is...wait for it...you know...it is in your head too...yes...strip club incident. Something tells me that all five players had exact change for lunch.


33.  Never saw this coming.  Sit down people.  The NFL doesn't have enough time to ban HGH before this season.  And Austin Kucher won't be a good replacement for Charlie Sheen in 2 and 1/2 Men.  Oh.  And the sky is blue and the grass is green.  I am sure the lockout bothered that clearance.  Yup.


34.  Everyone has their rules for Fantasy.  I LOVE mine, have used them for years, and have won a couple leagues using them.  I always have one UVA guy, always have the Steelers defense, have NO Broncos (I CAN'T people), never have an offensive player from the Steelers (I REFUSE to root for a run on 3rd and 9), and always go RB, RB, WR, QB.  I LOVE my team.  I hope you all did well, and don't really care if you like my starting lineup (I excel in the later rounds when you fools are staring at rankings and I am picking players I know off the top of my head and picking backups because it is smart...wicked smart-Good Will Hunting except in sports).  I got Schaub, McCoy, Turner, Jennings, Welker, Rice, Witten, Pitt, Rackers, and Bush as my "extra" guy.  Bring it.  I won't bore you with my backups.  They are sick.  I am the guy who HOPES people get hurt so I can show you my skills.
34a: I think, oddly enough, this is like the 7th year in a row I have ended up with Derrick Mason as my 5th WR.


35.  Boise State kind of bothered me initially.  They tried to pretend they were a tough running team against a fast as shit SEC team initially.  Then, they realized who they were in the 2nd quarter.  Then, Moore showed who is has been and who he is.  Those slot throws are going to beat anyone when you have a QB with that much experience back there.  Hey, Kellen.  Can you pay a little more attention to Nevada this year?  You should already have a Heisman AND a championship.


36.  Listen.  Ignore all of this Brett Favre-like stories "going to join conferences" shit.  Just wait until the dust settles.  A&M is like an unhappy wife, and Baylor is like a escort tripping her on her way out.  People.  Super conferences ARE going to happen.  It is evolution.  I don't want it, but it will happen.  Think of it the glass half full way.  If we build 4 super conferences instead of having 6, it gives us more room to find a champion and more out of conference teams to pick for the BCS since no one is going to ever adapt to this playoff system that I avidly support.


37.  You think he goes away.  Pujols is like Madonna in the late 80's. You just thought they were going away, but then they released "Cherish."  Check out who leads the NL in HR.  Pujols.  He is like the quiet assassin.


38.  Once again, this rant is not all about sarcasm.  I will write another rant before Sept 11th, but as it approaches, my heart just hurts.  What a sad day.  My thoughts and prayers with those people in that incident and those families.  We all know where we were when it happened, and it affected all of us. 


39.  Listen to me on football, but not evidently in baseball.  I write a take on how Arizona will blow it, and they go on to win 9 straight games after my rant.  Really? On the other hand, the Angels are THREE games back.  That is my big call.  It will happen.  Sorry, Josh.  I do LOVE your story and have covered your story in many rants, but I still think they catch you.


40.  Sacramento State beat Oregon State in college football.  I am going to make a joke up.  On the fly.  I guess sack was more worthy than beaver in this case.  Hardy har har.  I crack myself up.


41.  I need a comment on this one.  Someone PLEASE comment on this rant with the needed joke.  Kent DeSormeaux ran over a cop outside a horse race.  Help me.  It is there.  I can see the elements.  I just can't put them all together.


42.  Aside from the actual sad events, my not life ending/altering sad story of the week.  Crosby is going to take his time coming back.  Damn, people.  He is SO good.  For hockey's sake, pray that he makes it back quickly.  Our hockey watching lives, no matter who you root for, will be better off for it.  Can I make a side note Tebow joke right now?  No?  Damn.  Ok.


43.  Tiki Barber has not been signed?  As a backup even?  Forget my UVA background, who wouldn't want him as a backup?  That is like not signing Belinda Carlisle as a backup bang.  They might be older, but you would still take it in a heartbeat...


44.  There was a bunch of jokes I planned on making on this note.  Public forum.  I just started talking to a girl who doesn't like Seinfeld.  I give it two days more tops.


45.  The Saints just signed Sean Payton until 2015.  Actually, I would have signed him to that extension right after that successful onside kick in the Super Bowl a couple years ago.  Wow, has that guy turned around that franchise.  He already has a ring, and is loaded for bear once again.


46.  Peyton Manning will probably miss the season.  It has been so long, every single game since he wasn't behind center that Colts fans must be lost.  Seriously lost.  They are wandering around like Thriller video zombies who missed the cue to attack MJ.  I would say you can safely bet (after two years of everyone betting on them because of "potential") that the Texans are safe bets for the playoffs.  Bet something on them.  I would.  Go to Vegas now.  Can I catch a ride and make that bet when I make that Nationals bet?


47.  Jacory Harris is back at QB for the Canes now.  The Miami Hurricanes.  0-1 this season.  More penalties coming down.  Will definitely not come back anytime soon.  I am missing some comparison.  So, a mini dynasty is formed, and then they go away for years and then they slowly are building on getting back to just being in the mix, and then suddenly fade away again.  Hmmm.  How about my boys from Sayreville, NJ?...Bon Jovi.  Yeah, that kind of works.


48.  The LSU call by me last week wasn't that smart.  It just means that the SEC is fast...FAST.  Oregon did make some mistakes, but if you watched the plays that DIDN'T make the highlights, the Tigers were ALL just faster to to the ball, with power to match.


49.  Tori Hunter says he will retire after 2012 if the Angels don't give him an extension.  Thanks for letting us know, Tori.  You are hitting .264 right now.  I don't think we need to know what your plans are a year from now...at least right now.  Once again, you are another person who is clogging the wire from exciting things that idiots do when they are not at practice.


50.  What a cool story.  MO Western football players break a window to save a toddler for a woman.  Sir Mix a Lot would be proud.  Baby got back.  Sorry people.  It was a happy story, and I have very dry wit.  I promise you that I have NOT been saving that one in my holster to use it, even though I know it looks like it.


51.  I have never seen a headline as funny as "Notre Dame might go 0-2 for the first time since 2007."  2007??  Newflash.  It has been a whole 4 years.  Not 14 years.  Not 24 years.  That is like saying Deshawn Stephenson hasn't had a drunken violation since July.  Wait.  That is a good parallel, but it is actually the Top Gun version.  It is inverted.  Stay with me here.  Notre Dame is not a traditionally losing school, but it is still irritating that they say "since 2007" because that is not long ago.  Deshawn IS a traditionally drunk idiot, but it is still irritating that they say "since July," because it is still not that long ago.  Think of it as a square is a rectangle, but a rectangle is not a square.  Flow chart it.  Do what you have to.  Moving on.


52.  Tressel suspends himself.  So, you are telling me all in different places, the whole Ohio State crew is being grounded.  It is like the Usual Suspects all being jailed in separate jails to start out the movie.  I hope they got that lineup picture first.


53.  Rain is killing the US Open.  Everyone seems happy though.  Andy Murray gets an extra day to let us tennis people down, the ladies get one more day before playing the machine that is Serena, Federer gets one more day of rest of how he won't win another Slam title, and Roddick gets one more day of not being asked "how do you keep losing on hardcourt, dude?"


54.  NBA lockout.  Update:  they are still talking and lots of rumors of players going overseas.  Great.  We are getting closer to having to push back the schedule.  Scary stuff.  Anyway, let's concentrate on a bigger story. JR Smith might accept a contract to go play in China.  JR Smith????  Dude, you can't even remain even keel in the States.  You think you are suddenly going to become grounded in China.  That is awesome.  Quick.  Deshawn.  Artest.  Go play with him.  Seriously.  I will stay up to watch you guys.


55.  Rees is now starting QB at Notre Dame.  You know you are a traditional program when we know every move from a second year coach who just got smoked at home by the son of the last guy to win a championship at the school.  Wow.  That sounded like Bill Walton sentence when I just reread it aloud.  I just made a Bill Walton sentence.  Yay.


56.  The Red Sox lose Beckett for an unknown amount of time.  Wow.  This is not the time to lose your ace.  We thought they were just hitting a stride.  This throws off everything.  Bad luck.  


57.  Kotteras hits for the cycle.  It is amazing how much press a cycle gets to me.  It is reaction to a certain pitch at a certain time, in a certain situation.  Getting the cycle is like getting split up from your friends at a Widespread Panic concert and somehow finding a ride home that is within 5 miles of your house (so I hear from my friends).  It works, and it is a good story, but you didn't really MEAN to do it.  


58.  One of them might be out by the time I post this blog, and Sharapova might have been a bust (people, I was just trying to pick someone BESIDES Serena), but I still have my chosen men's winner (Murray) and my sleeper (playing Federer right now-rain delay) left. I am so rooting for Tsonga.  Dude is such a stud.  He reminds me of when Antonio Gates first started playing tight end.  People were like...really?


59.  Simpson wins playoff.  You might hate golf, but it was amazing the two long putts he made, one to get into the playoff, and one to get to the final hole in sudden death.  Nails.


60.  Braylon Edwards gets 50k fine.  Braylon, please call up Artest, Plaxico, and DeShawn...and just go have fun.  Bring Mayweather if he is not busy.


61.  I feel young.  I feel good.  I think the only time when I feel old is when someone I am talking to doesn't know who Winger is or when a new UFC fight is announced.  Brock Lesnar is fighting Dec. 30th in UFC 141 I think.  141?  I watched the FIRST one with Gracie...and I was already in my second year in college.


62.  Chris Johnson gets 53 million.  Now go run.  You got some cash.   Glad that saga is over.  You have already outplayed your contract, and now you just have to live up to it.  Good luck with that, tough guy.


63.  Dale Earnhardt re-signs with Hendricks.  I am just reporting this.  I have nothing to say.  Someone turn right for God's sake.


64.  I live by Channel 4 here in Denver.  Right by it.  Every night, someone drives by my apartment in the Channel 4 van.  Don't they have non-work cars?  Is that his?  Do they know he is doing it?  When he goes to the grocery store in that thing?  Does he play jokes with people on the weekend?  It is really bothering me.  I think I might flag him down tomorrow night.


65.  I had a conversation with someone about football jerseys the other night.  I am personally not a jersey person.  I just wear my hat and random clothes when I go watch the Steelers.  However, I named them the four people I would actually wear a jersey of.  Only four. Jack Lambert.  Rocky Bleier.  Troy Polomalu.  Lynn Swann.  Maybe Louis Lipps as a joke.




66.  Get better, Gary Carter.  He is back in rehab.  Lee Roy Selmon had a stroke.  My prayers are with both of you this week, along with the KHL hockey team's families.


68.  FBS Picks.  Here we go.  Don't post comments if you listen and you lose.  I don't care.  I am simply a guy talking, you are a person reading, and I get no cut.  I am retired.  I might go back to last week's picking upsets, beat the spread, and big games, but this week I am hovering around 70 takes, so I am just going to go with my spread picks for my gambling buddies.


WISC -17 OSU.  Take WISC.  Sure, I am a little biased as this is my sleeper national champion pick, but they are going to SMOKE OSU (remember this OSU is Oregon State).


I am a closet fan of Penn State being that I am from that area of the country and Paterno is a badass, but I don't see this happening.  Sure, Penn State is at home.  They don't have the horses.  I was going to say they won't do nearly as bad as last year and they are home, but Vegas already thought of that.  Take BAMA minus the 10 points.


Oregon is going to come out with a vengeance.  They are PISSED.  Sure, Nevada is not a bad team, but take Oregon minus the 22 1/2.


TCU is minus 2 1/2 at Air Force.  They are coming off a loss?  Dude, bet the rent on this one.  Take TCU.


At Washington.  Long Trip.  Hawaii is coming off a win.  Take WASHINGTON minus 4.


Garcia is back at QB.  There is no WAY they are surprised again.  They know they will be at a pissed off Georgia's crib, but they will prevail, by more than 2 1/2.  Take SOUTH CAROLINA.


I hate both ND AND Michigan.  I have no bias.  I am going with coaching on this one.  Brian Kelly WILL bring that program back.  AND.  He knows this would be the first 0-2 start since 2007 (lol).  Take NOTRE DAME and feel fine about giving 3 points away.


I am not picking on USC.  This is more about Utah.  I like UTAH with the 10 1/2 points.


Case Keenum could win the Heisman in his 20th year at Houston.  Even though they are away, I like HOUSTON minus the 20.  It is freaking North Texas.




69.  NFL Picks.  I mentally make NFL bets, but I am not going to post them.  It will hurt you.  I excel in college FB.  That is the whole reason I am a retired bettor.  I would make money on Saturday, and then just give that and more back on Sunday.


70.  I just want to say.  I LOVE Family Guy.  LOVE it.  But.  It is SOOOO nice to write this blog in front of a real, meaningful football game.  Sproles just ran one back.  This Saints-Packers game is a track meet.  I hope all of you people who have their defense in fantasy now know what you got into, and I hope you took the over on this one.  As one shepherd said to the other shepherd, I am getting the flock out of here.  Talk to you this weekend, people.