091411-Absurdly Robust...

Read it, don't read it, I don't care...just need to get some things off my chest...

In no particular order of chronology or importance...

Let's turn and burn...

1.  Coolest story of the week that I saw...At the Belmont horse races this past Sunday, the winners of the first three races were numbered 9-1-1.  I don't care about mathematical possibilities of it happening across the nation.  At a large venue.  At a very American venue.  At a venue that houses one of the Triple Crown races.  Very freaking cool.      

2.  Just another great week in sports...Ochocinco tweets something that pisses someone off (TOTALLY disagree with the pub that this thing is getting.  I understand the Patriots way and not being in awe of Tom Brady, but the guy has been on a losing team for all but one or two of the past 8-9 years-cut him a break and wait for him to do something really stupid, which I am sure he will at some point), Manny gets arrested for hitting his wife, and Ron Artest is killing time on Dancing with the Stars evidently.  Hey, Terrell Owens and DeShawn Stephenson, you were slackers this week...

3.  It has been a long road since that surprising #1 pick of Mario Williams.  Solid improvement occurred last season.  I know it is only one game, but I see Mario continuing what he started in game 1.  Heck, even if he doesn't, Reggie Bush and Vince Young aren't doing too much.  Hey, Vince Young, if you three got on the same team someday, would you also be a Dream Team?  It is so weird on that team.  You have the best athlete in the NFL in quite some time even after a couple years in jail being backed up by a mental case who is the poor man's version of the first string...yet Vince does most of the talking...shut up, dude.

4.  My favorite announcer comment besides Jaws cussing on MNF was Mary Carillo, during the Djokovic-Nadal match, saying "these points are absurdly robust."  Let's brush on that match.  I can't give you a full breakdown because the scheduling idiots decided to schedule it during the work day because of the rain delays.  What the hell?  You can't start the thing in prime time so people out here in Mountain time can catch it?  Are you TRYING to make tennis less popular.  Find a freaking way to make it happen in prime time.  I came home and Nadal and Djokovic were getting ready to go into a tiebreaker.  I was hooked instantly.  My thoughts on the set and three games I saw...Odd, Djokovic gets hurt, calls a medical (you are only allowed one during a match), and then Nadal STILL looked on the defensive.  Djokovic takes 30 MPH off his serve to preserve his back and still has Nadal on his heels.  I give Djokovic much respect.  Nadal will never quit anything, but he should have attacked more right after the timeout.  I understand his strategy.  He was trying to make Djokovic work for every point and have it take a toll, but when you take yourself out of your own game, then you are playing into a good player's hands.  He did.  A couple of other things.  Djokovic's woman is HOT.  Freaking HOT as shit.  I love tennis, but I was aching for even more shots of her...My other thing.  Djokovic's angle topspin forehand is one of the sickest shots I have seen since maybe Steffi's forehand, Navratilova's net volley, Sampras's serve, or Wilander's backhand passing shot.  Plus, it was weird.  Nadal kept hitting his inside-out forehands out.  Hell, I remember using that shot constantly.  If your bread and butter isn't working, there is no way you are making toast...

5.  Thoughts from the first official football weekend.  As I watched my Steelers get smoked, I thought about how much I hate fantasy football people (You BETTER throw it to Kenny Britt!  He is my third receiver this week!), hate having people yelling at their team when the opposing QB has too much time when they are playing nickel defense, and hate people who yell out player's names when it is the wrong guy with a different number.  I also thought about (I had plenty time in the second half of the ass-whooping of the Steelers) whether a guy like me should go out with a girl who is huge football game (for enjoyment, but then risk listening to her say wrong things about the game and me correcting her and us getting in a fight) or someone who doesn't watch ANY sports (then I have ME time).  Why don't we try and figure out which came first between the chicken and the egg while we are at it?  Moving on...

6.  Dammit, Serena.  You get fined 2k for yelling at the same referee from two years ago WHILE getting smoked by a no-namer?  What do you see when you look up at the person with the huge microphone and high chair...Arnold Schwarzenegger? PLEASE get that joke.

7.  I am honest about what I can't comprehend.  And add this to the list...I understand why Joe Montana, Wayne Gretzky, Babe Ruth, and MJ were so good and unstoppable.  But they didn't rely on a machine.  How the hell does Jimmie Johnson keep winning against 30 other guys (and girls. sorry, Danica) who all have the same car rules as you?  Don't comment on this take.  I will disagree, and I know I will never get it.  And how the hell are 10-13 drivers (whatever it is) NOT knocked out by guys who are racing but not in the "Chase" and are mad they didn't make it NOT feel like ruining someone else's day?

8.  I am not anti-Cam Newton.  I am not even talking about how he cheated monetarily in college.  However, I don't EVER remember a rookie QB getting so much pub for a LOSS.  It was against the freaking Cardinals, who NO ONE is sure who they are yet.  400 yards?  Cool.  Pick him up on fantasy?  I am sorry your team sucks THAT bad.  Impressed?  Sure, but I am not buying stock just quite yet.  Not too many Randal Cunningham's or Michael Vick's come along, and I am sure as hell not basing my synopsis on this topic on a game against the Cardinals.

9.  NBA talks.  JESUS.  Just get it done.  You all are idiots.  When you come back, make sure you schedule your games during the work day so less people can like you also.

10.  You know what fantasy is good for?  I was unsure who I was rooting for going into the Broncos game Monday.  Wes Welker and Reggie Bush got me 40 points in my matchup.  I was down 39 going in.  The other guy had Darren McFadden.  But was I finally rooting for the Broncos?  Yup.  It didn't work out, and gave me another reason to dislike the home team.  The only thing worse than my Steelers getting smoked in week 1 is if the Broncos won.  I would have to deal with a week of hell of trying not to read articles from Woody Paige talking about Super Bowl hopes...

11.  Mark Mulder is already a baseball announcer.  Did I just go through a time warp?  Was there an injury I missed?  Hell, the other parts of the 3 headed monster are still slinging...Hudson and Zito if you were curious.  Harden came on afterward.

12.  Nice job, Brady.  Here is a question.  How come Brett Favre won one freaking Super Bowl and we all celebrated him as one of the best ever his whole rest of his career?  Brady won 3 out of freaking 4, and before his video game output on Sunday, everyone is wondering what is wrong with him.  3 out of 4!!  I don't care if it has been a while, everyone was his bitch during that time.  And yes.  He is on my man-crush list, so back off...I am comfortable in talking about it.  I have a list.  Come talk to me.  By the end of the conversation, you will be yelling out shit like "Colin Farrell" or "Christian Slater..."

13.  Stephen Jackson is hurt.  Maybe I don't know many Rams fans in my life, but he is only player I know where his injury status simply invigorates conversations about fantasy football and whether they were smart enough to get his back up.  I don't care about them.  He is not on my team, and I dealt with 4 straight years of Clinton Portis on my team.  As Dennis Leary would say, "life sucks, get a freaking helmet..."

14.  Jerry Jones confused the world this week.  He got Romo's back when the world was piling on that he was a choker.  Jerry.  I am not even going to make a joke about this.  Because you confused me too.  Tony must have cut a deal that you get his wife for a night when he does that shit.  You must be getting your cut of that deal a lot over the last couple years.  I don't even know how long that Romo has been married, so I guess that is a reach...

15.  Sebastian Janikowski announced his retirement today.  Just kidding.  I wouldn't be surprised though.  He is a head case, he is on a head case team, and probably all he wanted out of that big leg was one freaking record in the books...or at least a tie.  Yes, Sebastian.  We know you have been clean on slipping the date rape drug into girls' drinks for years and that you kick 70 yard field goals in warm ups.

16.  I have done this take before, but I am doing it again.  Even though I own it and have watched it 300 times on the low side, Bourne Ultimatum was on TV last night and I watched most of it.  Have you ever noticed in that movie how the world's greatest assassins ever invented by man get their kill targets on Razor phones?  It always makes me laugh.

17.  I received my Sporting News yesterday.  I want someone to take a picture of me someday when I open my mailbox and see it in there.  I would put it on Facebook.  Off the top of my head, I would have to say some of my happiest simple times in life are a good Seinfeld, winning on a double down in blackjack, receiving my Sporting News, and eating a big block of cheese.

18.  There a lot of NFL serious injuries already.  Why don't all of you owners try another lockout next year and see how that turns out also?  We are not splitting the atom here.  I am still mad at Ochocino for not wrestling an alligator, but it shows that players weren't exactly hitting on all cylinders every day like they would with a full offseason with the team.

19.  Could someone please flowchart this Superconference/ SEC/ ACC/ Baylor/ OU/ UT standoff?  One, I love talking about flowcharts.  Two, it truly would help me understand.  Three, I am not looking that shit up to explain it to you.  I already spent a long take weeks ago explaining the new QBR system for rating QB's.  I am busy at work.  YOU do the research this time.  I just have this visual of those teams playing Hearts, and Baylor continuing to pull the Queen of Spades each time...but that's just me.

20.  McCoy and Ash are going to split snaps at QB at Texas for now.  Besides Tebow and Chris Leak, I don't recall too many split QB systems winning many national championships.  Flip a coin, or go with Colt's brother for old time's sake, but know that the Oklahoma Red River Shootout is not getting any further away.

21.  OK.  I have already owned up to the Steelers getting smoked, but am not going to break down the game totally.  Plus, I was mostly in a depression for the second half.  Ray Rice ran around like he was Bo Jackson in Tecmo Bowl 1, and there were 7 turnovers by the good guys.  I would play for you ANY day, Mike Tomlin, and you are truly a made to be Steelers coach, but we weren't mashing grapes and not making wine.  We WERE the grapes.

22.  The Timberwolves agree to terms with Rick Adelman.  Why not?  He has a rebounding machine in Kevin Love, 10 point guards, with another one on the way in Ricky Rubio.  OK.  Although this guy might be the foreign version of Jamaal Tinsley reinvented, I, as a basketball player, am excited to watch him play.  That is probably why they are keeping Kevin Love.  Lots of excitement with Rubio's arrival, lots of a-la Jason Williams/ Pete Maravich passes, and LOTS of rebounds to go around.

23.  Moneyball is released on the 23rd.  I think I will ask around.  If a chick becomes excited to go AND knows what the hell it is, I might marry her in the theater.  I don't think I have to worry about it.  Hell, even Mike and Mike were a decade or two off when talking about it this morning.  Greeney guessed the Rollie Fingers era, and Golic was all over Canseco and McGuire.

    

24.  Two elements that I never thought I would see in a sentence, at least until they won one.  Boise State.  Probation.  Don't worry.  They can still win it.  They are on double secret probation.

25.  Verlander wins his 23rd.  Maybe we SHOULD go back to the 3 day rotation of decades ago.  Instead of celebrating the anniversary of Denny McLain's 30th win, we might be talking about a 35 game winner.  Dude is simply a stud.

26.  I got this one from ESPN amazingly and not Fox (my work nixing the Fox site is really cramping my style).  Coach K arrived to see a high school prospect in a limo.  I didn't open the story, but maybe Coach K is suddenly a drunk and he is using my personal driver rule I have mentioned a million times.  No.  Probably not, but it still was a funny headline.  I somehow would think Coach K would drive up in a Prius or something.  And stay in a Motel 6.

27.  Two guys who have LITERALLY made a living and been champions off of one pitch.  Within a day, Wakefield gets his 200th win and Rivera gets his 600th save.  Knuckleball.  Cutter.  You can pick any one to like or dislike from opposite sides of this rivalry, but these guys are studs.  They say 40 is the new 30?  Well, 200 is the new 300.  Especially for a knuckleballer.  As far as 600?  Whatever.  It is his postseason that made him.  He might be older, but no hitter STILL wants to go against him late in the year.  Gamer.  Claude Lemieux on crack.

28.  A Pro Bowl or not, how the HELL did Eric Berry get the top spot on the wire for tearing his ACL?  Shit.  Talk about 9/11 more and that is more important than him getting hurt.  It is like me watching Bourne Ultimatum on a slow sports night when I already own it.  There is a parallel there.  I swear.

29.  The Cardinals sign Chris Carpenter for 2 years and 21 mil.  Easy call.  It just makes me want to go out and buy tobacco and throw it at him.

30.  Speaking of flow charts.  JESUS, Ohio State.  You reinstate your players, a guy says blame me and that I gave them the money.  Shit!  Can you guys take a break from anything good OR bad?  We are getting close to the baseball playoffs.  You are taking wire space on how good my Phils are or how Chris Pronger is in amazing shape...or SOMETHING...

31.  Remember the chick who thinks I am somewhat crazy-you know, the adjacent to refuse is refuse, washing windshields, shirtless after paintings in bathrooms, blame Lloyd Braun, I just had a run of bad luck one?  She defriended me on Facebook.  I just laughed out loud.  Facebook.  As Dennis Leary ALSO said, "because you have to have goals..."

32.  Before I finish up, let's go over my picks from last week, give my picks for this week, and give you a surprise for pro picks...

LAST WEEK'S PICKS:

Houston-20 against North Texas: WIN

Utah +10 1/2 against USC: WIN

ND -3 against Mich: LOSS

SC -2 1/2 against UGA: WIN

TCU - 2 1/2 against AF: WIN

Oregon -22 1/2 against Nevada: WIN

Bama -10 against PSU: WIN

WISC -17 against OSU: WIN

 7-1, making me I believe 14-2 in two weeks...

Before I do this, some of you have asked me for pro picks.  I have told you I absolutely suck.  I will not help you lose your money.  A buddy of mine has a site you can check out that might help.  Here is a shoutout.  Check it out.  I am arranging a guest blog soon.

http://www.pointspreadpros.com

Now.  My picks for this week:

LSU -4.5 against Miss St.:  I LOVE this one, but would feel better about it if it was a Saturday game.  I still say put a lot on LSU minus the points.  Yes.  It is SEC.  Yes.  The Tigers are a LOT better.  Don't believe all of the hype about a team coming off a loss.  This is an inferior team coming off a loss.  TIGERS-BIG

UT -4 at UCLA:  I love UT in this one.  4 points?  You have to be kidding me.  Is UCLA suddenly playing at altitude?

WVA +1.5 at Maryland:  You won't need the point and a half.  They will win going away.  Take WVA.

PSU -7.5 at Temple:  This is where you DO take a team after a loss.  Take Penn State.

Wisc -17.5 at Northern Illinois:  OK.  I could just be a WISC homer this year, but I would still take them again.  Obviously, Stardust isn't a believer yet.  Take WISC while you can.

Minn -4.5 against Miami-Ohio: Another example of taking a good team after a loss...at home.

South Carolina -17 against Navy:  They are at home.  They won't under-estimate anyone again this year.  They will win by 30.

Va Tech -24 against Arkansas St: This is a 55-7 blowout waiting to happen.  They are at home.  Feel solid about the school I am supposed to hate.  Watch this is my loss this week.

I wouldn't touch these teasers: Mich St./ ND and BYU/ Utah.  Stay away from these.

My upset?  I don't know if I would put money on this, but I like this one.  It speaks to me off the paper.  I like FSU over Oklahoma, or at least with the 3 1/2.  They have the horses now.  Do they have the experience?  I say maybe.  I have to go out on a limb on SOMETHING, don't I?  Remember, this rant doesn't "straddle the fence."

33.  I missed Ortiz saying the Red Sox should be in panic mode, MJ being fined during  the lockout, college players being paid (Pandora's Box), Ginn's great game after a pay cut, MLB playoff scenarios, Bowden having cancer a couple years ago (I LOVE you, man), something about the hats of the Mets/ Selig/ 911, and I am sure other stuff.

34.  I purposely did not have take on this.  Shut up, Denver fans (only talking to the ones who were chanting Tebow at the game the other night).  Fox is the coach and he is paid to make decisions.  Don't chant Tebow.  You will be in rebuilding mode out your ass.  He sees the practice and he is your coach.  Why don't you try and support Fox and the Broncos and stop acting like Philadelphia fans after Mike Schmidt after an 0-4 night?  Stop it. You were supposed to not be good, so make another decision after 6 games.  Give Orton 6 games.  You will want to spend 5 or 20 minutes with a brick wall if you start playing Tebow now.  Plus, Brady Quinn IS the back up QB.  Hell, the only reason I want a QB change is because it can be SO much funnier when I say..."Now, I'm done."  Until the weekend.