Read it, don't read it, I don't care...just needed to get some things off my chest.
In no particular order of chronology or importance...
Objective: finish before the Nuggets game
Mood: optimal (edgy/ stressed)
Material: satisfactory (mood could make this optimum)
Background: optimal (Family Guy)
Let's turn and burn.
1) Josh Hamilton. You might be the present version of The Natural. FOUR home runs and eight RBI's in a game this week. We all hope you celebrated with a bunch of Coke Zero's (maybe someday a Coke executive will read my blog and start sending me some marketing checks) as opposed to booze or other things. Your blip on the radar with those couple beers is forgotten. Your fans seem to be backing you. No more blips please, and it is an absolute pleasure to live in the generation that gets to watch you play this great sport. Keep it up.
2) Sometimes big, idiotic contracts get forgotten by the masses because the star getting paid that much has coincidentally ALSO fallen off the radar of super-stardom. Go figure. How about the past/ "I just play well enough to get paid" stars Vernon Wells and Rashard Lewis? Both were youngsters who came upon the scene very suddenly and both capitalized on an age of paying people a LITTLE too early. Do you all realize that Vernon Wells is getting paid $24 million this year? Can you even fathom the fact that Lewis is padding about $22 million this season in his wallet? Crazy stuff.
3) Congrats to Vikings fans, some of the best fans I have met over the years, especially considering they really never won crap. They got the votes for the stadium, and all looks good for the Vikings to stay put. Fifty years from now, you will also make it easier on some guy like me at a bar for not having to remember yet another franchise switching cities, and therefore will require that person one less flowchart.
4) Go FIGURE. Although there is nothing alleged as of yet, and although there really is no story, I will take every chance I can get to jump on ANY investigation into John Calipari's crazy recruiting skills. The NCAA is "talking" to people about the recruitment of Nerlens Noel. Come on, NCAA, find SOMEONE who bought him a fountain drink illegally. You can do it. THEN, I will have a new story for the next rant about how stupid the NCAA's rules are also. It would be win-win. Take THAT, Rosie Perez.
5) I ALMOST missed catching wind of this. There SHOULD be a reminder in the middle of my living room wall. Thanks to my fraternity brother, Scott, for reminding me about this anniversary. This week was the 10 year anniversary of the greatest monologue in sports history, courtesy of my odd pick for my favorite player of the last 20 years. Here you go, and it NEVER gets old. http://www.slamonline.com/online/media/slam-tv/2012/05/video-10-year-anniversary-of-allen-iversons-practice-rant/
6) Kobe has a stomach flu. Kobe misses the shoot around today. Great, Kobe. NICE set up. Are we shooting for 38 points tonight? You have lived your entire career in the scope of Michael Jordan, so why stop now? I bet you hired extra cameramen to catch you leaning over in pain in the huddle too, aye?
7) Brittney Griner broke her wrist longboarding. I have no hook on cracking on her for doing this. It is offseason, she is not getting paid (that we know of), and she is in college. Have a good time doing whatever. What I was going to say was this. I admit this. Although I grew up in the skateboard generation, and perhaps I got confused because I have lived near the Rockies for 14 years, but I will come clean. I had to look up longboarding, because I thought it might be a snow thing and I was wondering where they had snow near Baylor. Yup. Insert crack on the Fillerbuster here____________.
8) Where is Hubie Brown? He did ONE playoff game in the first couple days and now he is gone again. You are missing my viewership, networks, as I would watch Charlotte vs. Washington with him announcing. Come back, Hubie.
9) In the most ABSURD piece of news I have heard this week...hold on, hold on. I wrote "absurd," and then THIS guy just FLASHED in my head, so I have to digress. Terrell Owens was on Dr. Phil this week-Tuesday. He was on with three of the four women he has kids with. He doesn't make payments, he doesn't send birthday cards, and he basically is who we thought Terrell Owens would be in family life. Terrell, I didn't see the episode, and I don't like Dr. Phil, but if there was ONE time you should extend your stay anywhere, it is on THAT show. Even though I find you irritating, maybe he can push the first atom of common sense into your brain.
10) Ok. Sorry for the side-tracked hook. BACK to the most absurd piece of news I heard this week, there was a vote for the Mag in IF athletes were on money, who would be on them? Pretty serious question if you think about it. This might be a good bar question. Anyway, I didn't agree with the order of the first two first of all. Voters had Jordan #1 and Ali #2. I would switch those. They had Jeter #3 and Jackie Robinson #5. First of all, let's take Jeter OUT of the top 5 and throw in Babe Ruth (we don't HAVE to have someone who didn't like hookers, hot dogs, and beer, do we?) at #4 (I am getting to WHO they had at #4). At the #3, throw in Jackie Robinson. I should NEVER have to explain his existence on ANY list. He changed sports forever. So, we have Ali, Jordan, Robinson, Ruth, and...how about Gretzky at 5? Maybe Joe Montana at 6, and Russell or Magic at 7. Anyway, I could do this forever. Back to who the Mag voters had at #4, and a true signal of how ass-backwards our society is. TIM FREAKING TEBOW. Uggghhh. Say it ain't so, people. Time to throw out the word "travesty." SO glad he is out of Denver. Wow. Moving on.
11) I bet you I am the ONLY over 35 single person in the WORLD who is counting down to the time when my local water park, Waterworld, opens up. Memorial Day is coming, people. One of the trips I need to make after watching the rankings of the top water parks on the travel channel (yup, I DID watch this) is to go to Wisconsin, catch a Badger game, a Packer game, and then squeeze in an afternoon trip to Wisconsin Dells, which apparently is #1.
11a) As far as watching embarrassing shows on TV, I ALSO try to catch the finals of the Golden Tee tournament. True. I am amazed those people are "thumb" people. That is like Rick Barry taking down Michael Jordan in one on one shooting underhand ALL the time.
12) I felt like I was watching ANY sporting event in Philly the other night (I am allowed to say this since I come from there). During the Griz/ Clippers game, Blake got injured. He got booed walking off the court after being down hurt. Classless. Why don't we show clips of Mike Schmidt going 0-4 or Michael Irvin getting hurt on the field to teach them other Philly hot buttons? I will backtrack and say this. Although Philly fans are ruthless, they are truly passionate, and knowledgeable. That is far from the truth out here in Denver for the most part for the masses (not the hard core fans out in Denver-I am talking about the general masses-I have a large enough control group, trust me).
13) Speaking of Josh Hamilton and athletes we are rooting for, I am hoping that the home invasion by authorities on Chris Anderson's house ends up being all about nothing. He is a great story, and beloved out here, but it probably isn't good when your name is in the same sentence on the wire with:
-invasion
-internet crimes
-children's investigation unit
14) Watching the last couple Clippers/ Grizzlies games, the Grizzlies DO realize that playoff basketball is a LOT different than regular season basketball, right? You play the entire regular season for home court. THEN, the game totally changes. Less fouls are called, the pace slows, and tactics need to change. These are reasons why the Nuggets haven't gotten to the promised land, the Suns from a few years ago never got any traction after stellar seasons, why the late 80's Pistons DID win two straight with an ugly offense, and why the Knicks are presently addressing personnel changes and coaching status.
15) Jeremy Lin had an up and down week without even playing. The good? They are bringing him back. The bad? His team is out and he admitted not wanting to play at only 85%, not exactly making me draw visuals of Kellen Winslow being carried off the field after a win back in the day.
16) I don't understand people who can't accurately and quickly differentiate time zones, and I also can't stand allegedly organized people who leave dates they will be out of the office, but then forget to change the message two months later. Lock up, people. Mountain time is two hours different than Eastern time, and freaking change your voicemail, or keep it generic.
17) Baron Davis has found a new way to collect pay without earning it. Making less money this year after his ridiculous last contract, he blew out his ACL and MCL. Pansy. I raise you a torn Quad tendon, which is what I did back in the day playing the greatest game on earth. Anyway, this way, you pretty much set the table for Linsanity The Sequel (at least an attempt), AND you get paid without really doing anything. Before, you were playing, and receiving an absurd amount of money. Same system, different levels. If you don't believe me, get me a freaking flow chart.
18) Wow. I just read my last few hooks. I AM a little abrasive tonight. Whatever. Moving on.
19) I am not saying that the Heat/ Pacers series is a trap series. I am not an idiot, and DO recognize how damn good the Heat are. BUT. I AM saying that the Heat better not just start scouting the next team or two after the Pacers series. This series kind of reminds me of that Dallas/ Golden State first round series a few years ago, when the Mavs got bounced surprisingly. The Heat will win, but I think the Pacers get two games off the Chosen Ones or whatever the hell their nickname is these days since the Big Three was already taken by the Celtics. Watch this series, people. The Pacers are overflowing with potential. They don't have the goods yet, but the Hick from French Lick has done a hell of a job rebuilding that club.
20) Kentucky Derby winner I'll Sleep Somewhere Else got to the Preakness WAY early, apparently his custom. The point of that hook is that I'll Have Another is breaking tradition and not staying in Stall 40, which is the customary Derby winner stall. I like it. I will get there early. I will sleep where I want. I will race once again as an underdog. And maybe, just maybe, I'll Have Another.
21) This is not a hook. This is me talking aloud as I set my calendar alarm in my smart phone. Ok. Real Madrid plays the LA Galaxy in a friendly upcoming. Alright. In my phone. I will clear my schedule. Ugggghhh. Friendly? Is it 2014 yet?
22) Rip Van Winkle take/ "golf is really excited to get any press since Tiger is sucking" hook. Phil Mickelson got into the Golf HOF this week. Isn't the dude like 41 years old? Geez. Everyone settle down and take a breath. Not only is dude still playing, but he is arguably on the top end of his PRIME???? Slow the hell down, PGA.
23) They just flashed to the Sixers winning against the Bulls on the tube (not during Family Guy (that would be TOO awesome)-I switched to the Celtics game). Rose or not, congrats to the Sixers. They have a great nucleus, are literally missing one semi-star, have always likable Doug Collins, are my hometown bball team, and have all the parts to be good for a long time. Welcome to the next round, boys. Oh, and the NBA is run by idiots, and they don't re-seed like hockey, so guess what your prize is? Either a getting older Celtics or not ready for the big time Hawks. No Heat yet. May the force be with you. Ready you are. Talking like Yoda I like. Old, Star Wars does not get. I love talking like Yoda. Try it on your next time out. It is fun. Sure, you will get weird looks, but it is entertaining. A Jack and water I will have. Tab, you can get me. Anyway, you get the point. Damn, and I was trying to make Waterworld my rant theme. Guess THAT is out the window.
23a) Watch Star Wars (no, not the prequels with the hip people) this weekend. It is amazing, that with ALL the technology that we have in these new movies, that these movies STILL work. Shut up, Star Trek fans. Star Wars rocked you guys. Trek is this year's Knicks.
24) First round. Claude Giroux bordering on super-stardom. Then, what happens? He makes a case to be on the Rant Team. He gets a penalty, gets suspended in an elimination game, says he accepts what he did was wrong, and then the Flyers get bounced. I am not a hockey player. I wasn't a hockey player. I get the game, but I know it must be hard to control your emotions in a game that is so violent. But. In EVERY sport, usually the guy who doesn't lose his cool wins. You can't help your team on the bench, bro.
25) Dibs to Ricky Fowler for not only getting his first win, but not acting as cool and hip as he looks, and thanking everyone and their mother on Twitter for their support in his road on getting this win. You are quickly becoming my favorite golfer, and I am wondering if people around me would think I was going through a midlife crisis if I went out tomorrow and bought an all orange Puma outfit. I might just do that.
26) I was at Dulles Airport in DC coming back from DC the other day. Mid day. During the week. Not a holiday. That has to be the most peaceful, relaxing airport outside of any major metropolis in the country.
27) Rant Team update. Glad to know (TOTALLY sarcastic) that Metta never even called Harden after his elbow. How do I know this? From the wire, which got it from Conan I think ( I HATE that show). Nice to know the Rant Team is being as rude as ever.
28) The judge in the Clemens trial wants a faster pace in the trial. Your Honor, if I may include you in a Rant Hook, I have a solution. Throw on a home plate umpire helmet in your next session, and I bet Clemens will listen to everything you say. PLUS, it will be funny, and then I can read about it on Foxsports, and have a NEW rant hook for next time. Once again, win-win. Once again, take THAT, Rosie Perez.
29) As far as the '94 Chargers curse (8 players dead from that one team, all under the age of 45) goes, I found another little tidbit. Add one cheerleader to that alleged curse. If I was the equipment manager, I would be be ordering out for dinner for the rest of time, like my upstairs neighbor, not for pickup.
30) MLB suspended Cole Hamels for 5 games in his idiotic plunking of Bryce Harper. Gee, I never saw THAT coming. Have you all noticed that pitchers almost ALWAYS get suspended for 5 games, making them miss 1 start and then a movement in the rotation? One time. Can we just say 10 or 15 days, with an explanation that they wanted two starts to be missed.
31) The Nuggets winning IN LA was the most impressed I have been of the lads all season. I called Nugs in seven, but thought they would steal one of the first two games. JaVale McGee has SO much upside and played like a man possessed in that game. He can jump out of the gym, but isn't the brightest kid on the planet. That being said, I guess he is the good guy, meaning-well version of JR Smith, who did dumb shit seemingly on purpose. With McGee, you just know he doesn't mean it, and adore him because of it. Mad athletic skills. AND, he is one of the few people in the world who has four capitalized letters in two names. What is his middle name? Tell me it is O'Brien or McKoy or something.
32) I saw that Frank Robinson was at an NBA game this week. I will just say this. He just LOOKS like a legend. That is all. Dude looks badass even at his age.
33) Cris Carter has admitted to doing bounties for his protection. I LOVE that guy. I don't care if he did bounties, and love that he voluntarily came out with this. I will agree with Mike Greenberg from Mike and Mike. He is old school, was a hell of a receiver, and if he wrote a book, I would be one of the first people purchasing it.
34) Avengers made $200 mil in its first weekend? AND the Hulk was actually good in it? Might have to check it out. By the way, didn't Titanic make $350 mil TOTAL, and it was the best selling movie of all time at one point? Is this movie going to get the record by the third freaking weekend? I am still bitter at Titanic. They made the movie real time to how long it took to sink, and I thought it sucked overall. Sure, the naked scene was good (not as good as the naked scene from Alexander that TOTALLY made a long, bad movie ok (haven't seen that one? Go to the beginning of hour two in that movie. Wow)), but I just wanted the damn ship to sink so I could leave the theater.
35) Andrew Bynum's technical foul in game 5 down 5 pts was absolutely senseless. Dude has the body and the skills, but can we just start calling him Stegosaurus, or Stego, or Steg? That was the dinosaur with the smallest brain to body ratio. Hey. I KNOW my dinosaurs.
36) Jack Nicholson better take care of his body and live a long life. I can't imagine a beginning of the third quarter when they are doing the celebrity cam at a Lakers game and NOT seeing him in his shades. I still don't understand how the hell he makes movies during basketball season, but that is not my scheduling problem.
37) I find it odd when Andre Miller and Ty Lawson are on the floor together. One is a PG who is tall, but slow and can't shoot. The other is a PG who is fast as shit, can shoot, but is short as shit. Do they get confused who is running the show?
38) I had to go to an AFB for work the other day. I love ranking hotels. I stayed at one of my favorite hotels ever, but ironically only was there for three hours, as I didn't get to the room until 345am. It is kind of bad when the desk person asks if you are checking OUT when you are actually checking IN. Anyway, if you are ever in the southeast DC area and need a place to stay, I recommend this place for less than $130 a night. http://www.colonysouth.com/
39) Groundhog Day hook. Andy Pettite will start this week. I don't even need a joke on this. Do I start with the lack of Yankees pitching, or the fact that Pettite is doing court dates and coming out of retirement again.? He is like the baseball version of Sugar Ray Leonard (retirement joke). Shit. I need that flowchart again.
40) Does anyone else remember when Red Sox Josh Beckett was the Golden Child (I want the knife...) of baseball and the next coming of a great pitcher? This week, it comes out that he was playing golf before missing a start. Who was he playing with? Give it up. PLEASE tell me it was with one of my rant team members. Marcus Vick wasn't calling me that night, but I don't think he plays golf. Someone tell me where Diego Maradona and Gerald McCoy were.
41) This Caps/ Rangers series is one of the most fun series I have seen in a while. Clear you schedule on Saturday. Watch Game 7. You won't be let down. Plus, Game 7's in any round in the hardest title to win in any sport is always fun.
42) It is a shame the guy is shooting 31% (HOW is that possible for a professional basketball player?) from the line, but I think I would take Reggie Evans on my team any day of the week. He had an offensive rebound on a free throw the other night that was all heart. Dude might not be the most skilled, but damn, does he lay it out there every night.
43) I am easily entertained, but I find it funny that resign and re-sign are only separated by a hyphen, but yet mean pretty much the opposite thing in sports. Gets kind of confusing sometimes.
44) Tiger is showing us that it still isn't all there at the Players this week. So. Since I am 0-my last 13 predictions, I will guarantee he wins the US Open. I will pick Ricky Fowler or Steve Stricker for the US Open, and say that Tiger will win the British Open instead. The US Open is too tight of course for a guy off his game to win. The British Open is more wide open, and Tiger is wicked on links courses.
45) In case you are a late bloomer in the food area like I am and didn't even know I liked dijon mustard until I was 32, I just wanted to pass along this tidbit in case you were wondering. Turkey franks are healthier, and amazingly taste pretty much the same as the generic hotdog. Just passing it along.
46) Jonathan Vilma, banned a year from bounties, says he wants to see proof. I would like something also. I would like you to shut up, Jonathan. You even TALKED about it, dude. Go play golf with Josh Beckett.
47) I am glad the "complications" in the Mariano Rivera surgery were minor. I am the farthest thing from a Yankees fan, but I know I am watching a legend. Come back for one more round, bro.
48) Jayson Werth got hurt. Then, he calls out Philly fans. Dude, didn't you play here for a couple years? AND leave for more money? Do you not realize that it is NOT a good idea to call out their fans? I hope you were drunk during that interview. Maybe you jetted down to hang out with Ozzie Guillen in his liquor stocked office (that is only funny if you are a regular reader, so read more often).
49) Did anyone else catch what Danica Patrick said about the minor Sam Hornish dispute after the bump on the track? Did you? Am I the ONLY person who thought it was odd? She said that it was no big deal, that they knew each other for years, and that "we have stayed at each other's house." Has to be a hook up story embedded in this line. Look it up. I don't make up shit in my rants. I might be abrasive, but I don't give out bad information.
50) There are still no suspects in the Churchill Downs stable death? Was it a professional hit? Is THAT why they cancelled CSI: Miami? All those people are going to Kentucky to use fancy lights and check for fingerprints?
51) Serious hook. I applaud and am rooting for Josh Dixon. Who is he? He is the first admittedly gay gymnast trying to make the US Olympic team. You go, bro.
52) By the way, I am ex-military for the US, and always want an American to win, but I also like stats also. I will go on the edge and say that a non-American wins the Players this weekend. Google that, too. DON'T trust me. Stats support that this will probably happen.
53) Now we KNOW it was Elway who signed Manning. Why? Because, if Brian Xanders had ANY power in signings, they wouldn't have fired him this week. He was their GM, which usually means a lot.
54) Steroid joke that is THERE, but I can't find it. Ryan Braun and Aaron Rodgers are opening a restaurant chain together. Dammit. I feel like George Costanza on the night that Jerry and George had to go to dinner with Elaine's dad. "I got nothing!" Master of the house...
55) That is it. It? 55 hooks? Hell, that is PLENTY. AND, I finished at the start of the Nugs game. Done I am. Happy I hope you are. Leave, I will. May the force be with you, and next rant will be Monday night. I would use my shepherd comment, but that would ruin my Yoda theme. Peace.
No comments:
Post a Comment