Read it, don't read it, I don't care...just needed to get some things off my chest.
In no particular order of chronology or importance...
1) Along with his multitude of other problems and oddities, Floyd Mayweather's ears must also have been burning. I have mentioned him in passing the last few rants, but he really hasn't DONE anything idiotic lately (members of my special team have to do something stupid on a regular basis to keep their status). Well, I was hoping for a strip club or DUI incident, and I didn't get it. But. He outdid himself this time...check that, that is impossible, but it still is pretty bad. Of ALL of the people to say the Jeremy Lin story is simply happening because of his race, this is the last person I wanted to hear it from. Dude, shut your mouth. We truly don't care about your vision on this feel good story the last couple weeks in the NBA. We especially don't care if you have to once again act like someone who truly lives in a bubble. Go train before your pre-prison sentence fight because of something else you did wrong, and call us when you are out of there. Two side notes. I was kind of sad to see that Andre Iguodala from the Sixers jumped on that race bandwagon also. Andre, it is never a good thing when I say you DID something in the paragraph as I mention Floyd Mayweather, unless I am mentioning the arresting office. People, if you are also on this race bandwagon, go watch Crash in isolation, and talk to the rest of us afterward. Also, if you are on this Lin race bandwagon, check out your local TV listings and WATCH Lin play. Dude can ball. Averaging about 25 pts per game, already has a game winning 3, and had 13 assists the other night in a blowout win.
2) Flowchart needed. Leave room for space after we scope this out (important, flow chart person), as I have a feeling we are far from done on this one. Albert Haynesworth was recently released from the Buccaneers. Stop. Raise your hand if you knew he was on the Bucs. Exactly. I need a GPS on this guy. Let me think about this for a second. Yup. I am going with it. There might not be a dumber dude in such a big frame to come through this generation in sports.
3) Speaking of idiots and/or people who REALLY like NYC, pitcher AJ Burnett made news this week. It is not May, so it can't mean he is winning. It is not September, so it means he is not losing. Nope, it is the offseason. He recently refused a trade to the Angels. So let me get this straight, AJ. You are fully aware that the Yankees want to get you out of New York, you haven't done shit in the years with the Yankees, they offer to trade you to a team that just acquired CJ Wilson and Albert Pujols and also has lofty goals, and you turn it DOWN????? WTF, dude? I have no words. I say we know 40% of what we read tops. It must be a hell of a 40%. California, new start, good team? Confused.
4) The sky is blue and the grass is green, and some headlines will never die. Headline I didn't need to open. Just like I stopped opening Favre headlines a year or two ago, I refused to open this article. "Armstrong probe not over." Really. Never saw that coming. Tell me, guys. Is there a "C" sample? Have you French guys watched Blues Brothers, and are making this a Mission from God?
5) Thing I Googled this week and chuckled while I was doing it. After watching the Memphis Grizzlies highlights the other night, I had to make sure that Phil Knight and Nike were not only responsible for those HORRIBLE Oregon and Maryland uniforms, but maybe the Griz too. They aren't related. Still, check them out: http://www.sportsgrid.com/nba/grizzlies-throwback-uniforms/
6) Everybody is trying for new puns with the whole Jeremy Lin thing. I actually have not thought about it proactively on my own, as the rest of the universe is doing just fine. Plus, my AWFUL humor would scare people (I still think the funniest joke ever said was "What did the fish say when he ran into the wall? Damn. Almost rolled off the couch). That being said, I laughed at myself twice this week doing normal daily activities and thinking subconsciously of a pun. I popped a CD in of one of my favorite bands, and decided that when Lin takes a charge, the announcers should say Lin-kin park. When I put my contacts in shortly afterwards, before I put them in my eye, I decided that he could be the Saline Solution. Not funny I know. You all would have been sorry if I actually had TRIED to think of some. Would have been the Airplane acting crew all with hangovers.
7) Poor Jaws, and poor NFL fans. The network let Ron Jaworski go from Monday Night Football to go to a 2 man booth. I guess that is why I don't have a job in that field. I was finally COMFORTABLE with that booth over the last few years. No one irritated me (note to self, Cris Collingworth). Liked the chemistry. Odd too. They REALLY must not have liked Jaws. Instead of firing the guy who would be in coaching 2 minutes after they let him go, they let go the one who really has no where better to go. Jaws, it's not even my Philly roots...loved you on there, man.
8) Minor change in the Rant. A dramatic increase in traffic mandates one immediate small change in terminology along with bigger modifications on the horizon. I have referred to my "thoughts" as "takes." Jim Rome, I wasn't "stealing" it from you. Promise. You are my favorite sports radio show personality, and Bill Simmons is my favorite writer. No offense on borrowing that term for a bit while I gained a little traction. Henceforth on the Rant, a "take" is now officially a "hook." It makes sense to me, because I frequently take a mainstream story and put my odd spin/curve on it. Hooks are curved. Hook is a boxing term, one of my fitness loves. Thus, let's move on to more hooks (the over/under is 15 of the times I say "Hooks, Lines, and Sinkers" in my next 4 Rants)...
9) Before I totally leave Jim Rome for this Rant, I will borrow one more of his themes AND give a quick soccer report. I saw that Milan beat Arsenal 4-0 this week. Rome hates soccer, but had a great scoring parallel for American football fans. In explaining what a deficit truly is in our terms, he decided that each goal in soccer equals two touchdowns. Therefore, a team that is down 2-0 is actually down 28-0 in our terms. Great analogy. Hey, Arsenal, you just got smoked 56-0 this week. Not good.
10) My thoughts and prayers go out to Gary Carter's family tonight. He died at 57 years old. From what I know, he was a great teammate, guy, and family man. He was also a Hall of Fame catcher. For those not as familiar with his history, he left the Montreal Expos way back when to join the Mets. They then became the World Champion '86 Mets. Impressive, right? No. MORE than that. Check out their roster at the time (Dykstra, Strawberry, Gooden, etc.) and then even what idiotic things those guys did AFTER their career. I heard Ron Darling say one time that Gary Carter was that team's moral compass. He was. He wasn't the fastest. He wasn't the best athlete. He wasn't the best player on that team at the time. But damn right he was the leader on a team with crazy talented misfits. Rest in peace, bro. When he had that single with two outs in game 6 in '86, he said to the first base coach "there is NO way I am %^^&#*^$# getting the last out of the World Series."
11) I have had a week of European walks around buildings and town. By that I mean this. I have been on a STREAK of random people making me change which way I pass them walking. Pass people like on a road, right? I had one chick literally cut like Victor Cruz on a corner to be on the right side of me. What gives? Is this a sign I should go on vacation in Rome? I will think about it. I think I need something called money for that. I will work on that part of it also.
12) The trouble with this week is this. If you were at work the last few days and pulled up CNNSI on your laptop, and a co-worker passed by, you looked like you were on a porn site. Damn, Swimsuit Issue. BIG pic of a chick in hardly any clothes staring at you. There ARE still sports stories, CNNSI. We are AWARE of the magazine. Stop selling magazines when I am trying to get a peak of the wire on your site.
13) Talk about teaching things to non-sports fans the backass wrong way. My entire life. If someone walks up to a TV I am watching, and says "where are they playing?" Uhhhhh....hmmmmm....they have only been doing this like FOREVER, but I will tell you the secret, friend. If you want to know where they are playing, you either look at the last team listed OR the bottom team. Not exactly splitting the atom here. Of course, neutral sites get more confusing, but that is NOT what is making these people ask that. If that was so, their first question would be "Is this a neutral site game?" I would be less irritated at that. ANYWAY. I went to a Nuggets game this week. At Pepsi Center, the Nugs list their score FIRST. Hell, if I suddenly decided to have 20 $7 beers this week at the game, and with the story I just explained, I would have THOUGHT I was in Phoenix. Good game for the Nugs. That being said, watching the Suns play without Steve Nash is kind of like...going to see Van Halen with someone subbing in for Eddie on guitar. Sure, the guy might know the songs fine, but...
14) Two "get better" hooks. Tony Gwynn, get over that throat surgery. You were not only one of the best hitters of my generation, but you are a hell of a guy, too. Class act all the way. Also, Josh Hamilton. I hope you are serious as to what you are telling the media. I hope you are rehabbing and re-doing yourself. We love you as a baseball player, we understand the battle you are fighting, and we just want you to be mentally healthy when coming back. May the force be with both of you. Your wife must be a hell of a chick, Josh. The fact that she stuck with you through that first face down breakdown in the road, the drunk chicks in Arizona in a relapse, and this last one with "3 or 4 beers" makes me want to meet this chick.
She must be fancy.
15) In a story that I don't mind "dragging on," I congratulate the Red Wings. Still going on that home streak. Kind of cool. I haven't been to many ice hockey rinks outside of Philly or Denver, but one I CAN say I went to a game at Joe Louis Arena, the home of the longest home winning streak in NHL history. Thanks, guys.
16) JR Smith. Welcome back. 歡迎回來 So, let me get this straight. You are back, talking to the Lakers about a new gig, and your buddy Wilson Chandler is still across seas. Why is that, JR? Thought you led the league in scoring at 35 a clip? Thought you were the shit over there? What's that, JR? OOOOHHHH. You didn't make the playoffs. NOW I get it. You were a great player, but didn't WIN. So, remind me again? What has changed about you? Ohhhhh. That IS true. Unless China is not leaking your normal idiotic stories, I suppose you DID succeed in NOT getting in trouble. Good job. Baby steps.
17) I haven't watched CSI: Vegas in a while. First they bring Ted Danson on a little while back. Now, Elizabeth Shue is starting over there. No offense, Elizabeth, I only remember you for ONE thing. Clapping on the sideline while Danielson was kicking some serious ass in that Karate tournament. DAMN, that movie has a hold on me. I don't care how shitty it was. I don't care how cheesy it was. If I am flipping through the channels and am ANYWHERE near this scene: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-qesAt92Jw or this scene/ montage: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iBktYJsJq-E, I am freaking watching it. You go ahead and TRY and sweep the leg, Johnny. Try. As Kevin Costner said in Tin Cup, "do it, and I'll own you."
18) The ALMOST John Elway/ Tony LaRussa exit. Never saw this coming either. Lol. Landon Donovan has announced he would consider playing at Everton full time. So. He wins in the subpar league that is the MLS, and then says he will exit stage left. It is almost a success because he is leaving the stage after a championship. It is almost not successful because he will still be playing soccer (dibs for the better league), AND has two more years on his Galaxy contract. KIND of cool. Moving on.
19) Colts owner Irsay is playing games. Peyton is having undercover, unknown procedures on injuries. Dude, Indy has turned into a pretty crazy town. Personally, I say we tell them both to be quiet, tell us when it is over, and put them on double secret probation. Damn. I will have to think of another way to bring Animal House in my next Rant, because unfortunately my background has already been picked. Sorry, guys.
20) This IS a sports blog. Sometimes, I DO just report stuff. This WAS on ESPN, therefore it qualifies (can't wait until the spelling bee is on next). I truly did not flip to it on the TV, but I DID check out the winner. Here is your best in show: http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/nationnow/2012/02/best-in-show-pekingese-breed-earned-lion-dog-nickname.html If you want a funny take on this, check out the Colbert take on this: http://bostinno.com/2012/02/15/stephen-colbert-talks-sexual-chemistry-between-westminster-dogs-and-judges-leg-video/ MY take on the winning dog in that dog show??
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b1wzQNzttSk
21) TCU bball rallied down 18 to beat UNLV this week. Wow, guys. You have taken down UVA AND UNLV. Stay good, guys. This week's story about your classy football team having four players busted for a drug sting might make your football season less glorious next year. By the way, I have alluded to this before, and I will say it again. If you get busted for drugs, it is not good. No doubt. BUT. If you get busted for "trafficking" or a 6 month "sting," you have more than a casual problem. If they have 1982 Buicks sitting outside your house with people drinking coffee in it, there are more issues to deal with. Side note, twenty years from now, when they have a sting outside a house going on in a movie, I will personally think it will be weird when it is one of these modern, sporty new cars with officers in it. Actually, I would like to make a decree. I think that no matter HOW advanced we get in technology, that it is mandated that a movie have a circa 1982 Buick in it. If I see a movie coming out in 3 years with a maroon Dodge Neon, it will bother me.
22) I remember Sebastian Telfair was the first bball kid in high school with a shoe contract. What? You don't know who he is? What? Just kidding. My hook on this is that I follow basketball pretty religiously, and I said Tuesday night at the game that "there was officially a Sebastian Telfair sighting." Dude has become NOTHING. That is what the shoe companies get for giving millions to a high schooler who had the game of Jamaal Tinsley and the head of Terrell Owens.
23) I am SO glad I watched Sportcenter last night. The dude was talking college football, and said the SAME thing I have been bitching about for a couple years. He goes, "not sure when it happened, but FBS means Division 1 by the way." Seriously.
24) The All-Star Dunk Contest. Meet your participants. Shumpert, George, Williams, and Budinger. You don't recognize them. Don't make me write their first names. Anyway, seriously, what gives? NBA players, do you stars EVER stop playing Halo long enough to watch the old Wilkins vs. Jordan highlights? Not ONE of you superstars? LeBron and Griffin have set up camp and are cooking hot dogs on a grill on ESPN's top plays of the night, and NO one can take a few hours to stuff the bball on a laid back, fun weekend? Are we ruining your nightlife that weekend? I don't get it. Everything as far as dunks has pretty much been done. We, as fans, GET that. Just go out and spend a few minutes flying around safely. We NEED you. Are you saving yourself for the "game?" Lol. I spend two days ranking LeBron and Blake and their monster dunks a week ago, and you can't submit yourself to doing the contest? BULLSHIT, guys. Hope they do what the rumor is saying and sneak Lin into the 3 pt. shootout, as it will add intrigue and fandom. Otherwise, during the dunk contest that night, there will be a bunch of people Googling who the hell they are watching. By the way, if I MUST put in a prediction, I think Derrick Williams (the guy who should have stayed one more year at Arizona) will win, and I will be rooting for Budinger to win it (because I still find it funny that Lute Olson said he was the best recruit he EVER had, and the dude flamed out) for no particular reason.
25) In your "Mike and Mike was at commercial when I drove to work I swear and the other stations don't play music in the morning" hook, here we go. Bobby Brown is doing what we expected. He is hovering over the estate ownership of Whitney, since as expected, her sales are off the charts this week due to her...death. Her estate was worth 20 mil before her death, and Bobby Brown has recently purchased a calculator from Walmart according to debit card receipts to figure out how much that is worth in drugs. Charlie Sheen is coming out with a new show? It is called Anger Management? Wow, dude, you have balls. Let the paint dry. Rihanna, my #2 woman, "talked" with Chris Brown for FIVE hours in her dressing room? Damn, girl. Actually, damn YOU, Chris. I am just the mass population, but I don't know if I would be messing with Jay-Z. He SOUNDS gangsta anyway in his raps.
26) Speaking of the NBA All-Star game...do you remember the McGrady bounce off the backboard pass to himself? That was in a joke game. Check out THIS Hampton University kid...in a real game: Damn. Can't find it. You should look though.
27) Or if you can't do it yourself, check out Mike Conley bouncing an alley-oop off the backboard (both same night oddly enough): Damn, Google. You suck. They both existed. Promise.
28) "I want to go to Florida." "I want to leave an imprint on the university like that QB from Denver did." Bad start, bro. Domestic Battery is ALWAYS bad: http://www.gatorsports.com/article/20120216/ARTICLES/120219638/1136?Title=UF-football-player-arrested-suspended
29) LeBron. What is up, man? Doing well? Check this out. AFTER you win one of those 7 championships you were talking about on TV a year and some change ago, then MAYBE you can talk about how you might play for the Cavs again down the line. I don't want to hear it right now though. You play the game at a level comparable to MJ, but you sure as hell don't interview quite as well. You are like the face guy at a party. You can only mess it up by talking (that is real by the way. Sigma PI-UVA. That was our EXACT definition of that guy. Eric D. was our face guy). Talk to me about your possible glorious return to the Cavs after you can give me the finger on TV...with a ring.
30) Carl Crawford might not be in the lineup opening day for the Red Sox. Boston is in panic mode. OOOOHHHH. The Carl Crawford that had 11 HR's and 56 RBI's in 130 games. He was ALREADY not in the starting lineup stat wise. Talk about a poster child for getting the contract and just chilling out. Watch out, man. Hate to see you in any trafficking or sting articles. Go play Halo.
31) The sky is blue, the grass is green, and you didn't believe it when Randy Moss said he was retiring. I will say this. I would have lost the pool. I thought this would be a July story. Dude, that was like a boxing retirement. I had to hit refresh on Fox Sports to go from your retirement announcement to your coming back announcement. I KNOW. I have used this one previously, but I LIKE it. Dude, you were as quick as I would be with Halle Berry. Hardy har har. ANYWAY. If I was an NFL team, I would take this ambiguous change of heart, along with his not so stellar locker room presence in the past, and stay FAR away. I don't know it it was the same team, but I did hear that the same league that offered Terrell Owens a contract also offered Randy one. God Bless my very special team. I need a Marcus Vick sighting right NOW. It is like the PGA slogan. These guys are good.
32) I am very close to calling Comcast and complaining again. It is one thing to move Seinfeld to 11pm, which is past the witching hour for me. It was a mild happiness when I used your Xfinity thingy to have Seinfeld on demand to watch it earlier after Sportscenter. Now this. TWO episodes as choices for the last 2 weeks? Seriously, you might think I am no one, but I WILL become someone without being able to download Seinfeld for free from my couch for the Xfinity package that I didn't ask for. People, I know what you are thinking, you MUST have it on DVD. Fillerbuster? I get it. However, it is the same concept of me not owning Karate Kid. I enjoy it so more when it just magically appears on my TV.
33) Here is a hockey take. Kind of. Actually, just a headline I saw this week I LOVED. The toughest athletes on this planet...rescuing a freezing puppy. Check it out: http://calgary.ctv.ca/servlet/an/local/CTVNews/20120215/saskatchewan-puppy-rescue-update-120215/20120215/?hub=CalgaryHome Touching. Might have to go watch Eight Below now. Great movie. Just stay FAR, FAR away from Marley and Me.
34) I will watch a bad movie until it ends. I want to get the most for my money. This parallels something else that happened this week. I started READING a NASCAR article. I thought it would be a page or two. Then I turned the page and realized I had started reading the NASCAR preview in the magazine. I LOVE previews. Charts, lists, rankings. Read them ALL in the major sports. Anyway, I then HAD to finish it. Now, I am up to speed (no pun intended) on NASCAR teams. More than any other year. So, here is the not-knowing Fillerbuster11 predicting the NASCAR year:
-BEST TEAM ON PAPER: Hendrick-Johnson, Gordon, Earnhardt, Kahne? Solid.
-TEAM I AM ROOTING FOR: Stewart-Haas. Kind of a Stewart fan (if I hypothetically WAS a NASCAR fan, I would root for him, but I am not), and he picked up Danica Patrick. I think it will take her a good year or two to convert just it did for Juan Montoya (I actually knew that on my own), but I will be rooting for them nevertheless.
-TEAM I WOULD BET TO WIN IT: Roush Fenway. They have the back flip badass (Edwards), the quietest, most boring guy in the sport (Kenseth), and...Greg Biffle. I think you know what THAT means. I don't. Go to Vegas and book it.
35) Criminal Minds. You are as inconsistent as Chris Johnson after he signs a big time contract. I tell you how impressed I am with an episode a few weeks back and you do what? You tank. The bartender did it? Really? Please tell me you lost one of your prime writers or something, because otherwise I will just think that you are tanking. And by the way, I am SERIOUS about this. STOP saying there will be previews for the next episode and then not showing them and leading me into the beginning of one of those crappy CSI shows.
36) Classic hook. Brad Marchand, from the championship Bruins, wasn't featured in the DVD featuring the Stanley Cup Champions...because he was too drunk. In case you were curious, the DVD was filmed at 4pm...3 days AFTER they won it. Dude, I have BEEN there when I lived in Rhode Island. It is fun. But not THAT fun. Course, I wasn't there right after I had my name put on the Cup either. I guess that is a SLIGHT difference. We didn't HAVE hockey at my high school. Wasn't in the cards for me. Yeah. That is the reason.
37) Florida State bball kept their nice run going by destroying VA Tech 48-47. I am SO glad I went to do something else instead of watching that game. There are defensive masterpieces in sports, but I have a feeling THAT wasn't one of them.
38) Only intriguing thing about Tiger sucking? His first round matchup in the Accenture Match Play Championship is going to be must see TV. It will be against someone decent. By the way, El Tigre, I heard you added another tournament to you schedule. Slightly frustrated? Yup. Oh. By the way, sticking with me in picking him to win the last 27 tournaments and losing, I would put money on the next one. I HAVE to be right this time. DAMMIT. Tiger all the way.
39) The sky is blue, the grass is green, and Obama is "impressed" with Jeremy Lin. Thanks for clearing that up, el Presidente. Let me guess. You are going to choose all of the #1 seeds in your televised bracket revealing too??? NOOO.
40) Sorry, Freddie Solomon. I didn't mean to not mention your death earlier, and by no way am I saying you are less important than Gary Carter and Whitney Houston. You were "that guy across the field from Jerry Rice." Actually, you were VERY important. Truly. You have two rings being that guy. Rest in peace, bro.
41) Yoenis Cespedes. Star Cuban OF, commanding decent money. Manny Ramirez. On my special team, a certified idiot, and still wanting to play. Does anyone else think it is odd that we are approaching Oscar time, Moneyball has a bunch of awards it is nominated for, and the A's are doing the EXACT OPPOSITE of what that movie says?????? Bringing on big money gambles?
42) Maybe they did this on PURPOSE. The Miami Heat are the quietest 23-7 I have ever heard of with two future Hall Of Famers and a third wheel big guy that can play. They had that little losing streak early, but are playing very well right now. SHHH. Don't tell anyone. Also, don't tell them that if Rose is healthy, they are going to lose in the Eastern Conference finals. It will be our little secret.
43) Speaking of people who need to play MORE Halo, Roddy White is bitching about Goodell's salary. Rip Van Winkle take evidently. How LONG have I been asleep and how many Super Bowls have the Falcons freaking won? Roddy. I. Don't. Care.
44) I hear Maddon and the Devil Rays...sorry RAYS have signed on for 3 more years. Why not? He hasn't won anything, and everyone knows they aren't making any moves to advance to the next level. If you have two people totally happy with mediocrity, I say it is a match made in heaven. Plus, the Rays get the hook-up in this deal. Maddon is managing his ASS off with the players he has.
45) Terrell Stoglin is the Mitch Richmond of college basketball. By that I mean this. Maryland is a big program. Maryland is off the radar, rebuilding. You open the paper and what happens? They got a guy averaging 21.6 pts for the year. Solid. Exactly like Mitch. Golden State and Sacramento sucked for his years there, but there he was...averaging 20 plus a game.
46) Too bad the NCAA tourney isn't being played at teams' cribs. Michigan State is 16-0 at home this year. 0-1 on aircraft carriers if you were curious.
47) With the increased traffic, I have debated on putting out more blogs. I can't, people. I work about 60 hours a week, and the rant is...built up. It brews. I was going to bust one out last night, but I wasn't "ready." It is stream of consciousness. It is my thing to just go off for these couple hours. Perhaps I will talk with you over the weekend. Doubt it. Most likely Monday. I am out. Hooks, lines, and sinkers. Peace.
47a) Does anyone else hate that round button in the middle of your Dell keyboard that takes you off the screen? I don't even know what the hell that button does.
47b) I have the new Van Halen CD. I am ok with it, but will not oversell it. It is indeed growing on me, but really only four songs truly have that classic David Lee Roth/ Eddie sound. It is a push. I am not totally overwhelmed by it, but I am not going to tell you to go buy it either. But, it was worth the $13 for true fans. That is it. Burn it, or download it.
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