Read it, don't read it, I don't care...just needed to get some things off my chest.
In no particular order of chronology or importance...
I am boiling...in absolute need of a solid rant...
1) How are YOU feeling today, AJ Burnett? The Yankees bust pitching pick up a few years ago recently used his no trade power to veto a trade to the Angels. Yes. The SAME Angels with CJ Wilson and Albert Pujols. The same town that is by a beach and labels their highway with "the" in front of it. He was officially traded today. To where? The PIRATES. Wow. Dude. I would LOVE to be a fly on the wall in your head, and maybe you are mixing up football and basketball, but WHAT are you thinking? Good news? You will be in the starting rotation guaranteed. Bad news? That is NOT such a good sign that you are pretty much assured that spot...sign of the talent level you are moving over to.
2) Tim Wakefield, one of the last remaining active knuckle ballers, retired this week. Tim, you made the most of a dying art. Interesting side note #1? CNNSI had him retiring after 17 years, and ESPN had him retiring after 19 seasons. Weird. Interesting side note #2? Guess that pretty much does it for that knuckleball CATCHER who had a job the last few seasons because of Wakefield still playing. He SPECIALIZED in catching knuckballers. Monster.com in your future?
3) Hook where the joke is there, but I just can't find it. George Lucas, legendary movie guy and the creator of Star Wars, has a daughter who is a professional MMA fighter. Amanda Lucas is a badass, and if I could just figure out how to figure out a stormtrooper reference with MMA, I am sure it would be funny.
3a) A "hook" is what I used to call a "take." With increased traffic, I need my own jargon. It was in HONOR of you, Rome, I swear.
4) Multi-reference hook. In my "Groundhog Day" hook, Sidney Crosby "skated again with no timeline of his return," and Greg Oden "undergoes another knee surgery." The former makes me sad because I want him back on the ice for us fans, and the latter makes me sad because I truly believe that, in a league sort of deficient on classic big men, he would have been a game changer. Instead of getting a taste of his talent before injuries like Grant Hill or Tracy McGrady, Greg is pulling more of a KiJana Carter. Had a feeling, but no proof since college, and probably no proof after. Someone go find that freaking groundhog from the movie and ask him if it will be JUST six more weeks of rehab.
5) Talk about bad starts. Jimmie Johnson has ALREADY gotten busted for trying on purpose or accidentally to cheat...and they haven't even started racing yet. Something about restrictor plates being not within the rules. Would love to tell you more, but that would be like Keanu Reeves telling us about acting.
6) These people who are bitching about 2.5 Men being crappy since Sheen's departure are starting to bother me. Everyone needs to realize this. They did NOT pull a new Coke tank. They didn't PURPOSELY and PROACTIVELY change the show with a new strategy. They HAD to improvise. They couldn't predict they would have to kick Sheen off the show (actually, it wouldn't be like splitting the atom, but it wasn't concrete either). I don't think the show is that bad now. The emphasis on Alan HAS to exist since that is the only main thing they have that they might think people will like. For all of those doubters and pessimists, YOU try keeping a hit show going successfully when the main funny character now does not exist. It takes creativity, people, and I give them a B+ for their effort.
7) Elite soccer player Lionel Messi scored 4 goals against Valencia this week. Using Jim Rome's system described in my last rant (each goal scored equals 2 touchdowns in American football), that means he scored 8 touchdowns in one game. Pretty stellar if you ask me. Rock on, bro. I still don't agree with CNNSI ranking you #1 as best of all time. Give me Pele or Diego in a heartbeat.
8) Yay. Manny Ramirez is back in the big leagues...with a minor league comeback for the A's. Why do I say "yay?" Not because I want to see him play, but only because my "special" team members have MUCH more opportunity to do dumb shit when actually in the team atmosphere and traveling all around the nation. We are rooting for you, Manny. Just do SOMETHING stupid, bro. Please. Call Marcus Vick. He is my perennial designated driver.
9) I would like to meet the media person for LeBron James. Are they slacking, or do they just have not too much power? He had some time under the radar...just winning and reminding us how special of player he is on the court. Then, he opens his mouth ONCE too often. Before a game with Cleveland, he says that he could foresee him playing back in that town someday. Shut UP, dude. THEN, he modifies the statement to address Miami fans, and assures he is happy and planning on staying. For the most part, those Cleveland fans don't care. For the most part, NO city wants to hear where their present player MIGHT play years from now. For the most part, you need to just sticking to talking about your sick stats each night. Run EVERYTHING else through your media person.
10) Jeremy Lin had a bad night Friday...against the HORNETS. Weird. Anyway, he "rebounded" Sunday and was key in a big win against the Mavs. Here are my thoughts. First of all, in the win, he had 7 turnovers. I am still concerned about this overall, but we have to realize that he is LEARNING to play PG in the NBA...IN the NBA. It demands a HUGE learning curve. Fans, be patient. Second, in football there are 16 games TOTAL. In basketball, there are 82 games in a normal season and 66 total this year. So, in comparing this to Tebowmania, and then getting all sad because he had a bad game Friday, take it easy. Every NBA player is going to have bad games. Larger control group, more chances for being off one night. Third, did you hear about ESPN's major headline malfunction? Kind of scary, that even during the evening shift at the sports powerhouse, that no one high up was there to edit this headline. "Chink in the Armor?" Wow, guys. Not too classy, and I am assuming some heads rolled the next day from that shift.
11) Baseball journeyman Mike Cameron retired this week. What a quality player he was, and shame he didn't get a few more accolades or a ring. He deserved it. 2001 All-Star, a couple Gold Gloves, and tied for a record that I can't ever really see topped. He is one of 13 players to hit 4 home runs in one game. Sure, it is a big group, but I can't see anyone ever hitting 5, so I think he is safe. Good luck to you, Mike, and thanks for the great baseball you gave us.
12) Does anyone else think this is odd? Not only were Hangover 1 and 2 the same exact movie, and not only is this new movie Project X made by the same guy, but in the preview, I noticed a funny scene during the previews where a little guy pops out of the oven. Short on ideas, bro? Instead of having the Asian guy jump out of a car, you went with the little guy out of the oven? I am not exactly pulling a Bob Beamon by making that parallel (Google him if you don't get the reference).
13) The sky is blue, the grass is green, and an athlete wants more money. I hear that Ray Rice wants "Adrian Peterson money." That's great, man. Thanks for being "one of those guys." I know RB's shelf life is not that long, but I think you are slightly reaching here. You have one less year under your belt. You trail him by 2400 in rushing yards (two seasons at your rate), 64-24 in TD's (Adrian could sit out a year and you wouldn't catch him), 4.8 YPA to 4.6 YPA (not bad, actually), 336-176 first downs (pretty big difference, bro), and trail him in yards per reception 9.6 to 8.9. You whip him in lack of fumbles lost (5 to 13), but I think you should just take a raise, not talk about him, and call it a day.
14) JR Smith is BACK! Yay. Now I have three reasons to watch the Knicks. I can watch Melo play bullfighting defense (Olay!), Lin keeping the movement going, and anxiously waiting for JR to do SOMETHING stupid, and then admire his creativity of that stupidity. What an exciting team. In their holster, remember they have Baron Davis. Baron playing for the Washington Generals would be interesting at some level. By the way, who cares that the Knicks picked up Smith? What I care about is THIS. Who will pick up Ronaldo Balkman, the guy they had to cut to make room for Smith? If I am an NBA GM, I am figuring out how to pick that guy up. Yesterday.
15) The second and third best players ever at NC State (Chris Corchiani and Tom Gugliotta (David Thompson was #1 by the way)) got kicked out of the game Saturday...by the game's official, Karl Hess. If you watch the incident, it appears that Karl Hess was suddenly moody, and forgot that he is a veteran official and is abused on a nightly basis. Judging by their reaction, it is evident to me Karl had a short fuse, or their quiet comments must have been REALLY witty and irritating. I think Hess was wrong. You hear people yelling all kinds of shit at games, and they are just fans at that game. You let it ride. I am not saying ex-greats should have free reign-just don't think they did anything obvious enough to merit a public banishment.
16) UVA basketball defense. They don't allow anything to happen in the lane and guard man to man on the perimeter VERY tough. Tied 31-31 at halftime, they beat Maryland 71-44. Good stuff, guys. Especially after a couple meltdowns against teams that could have made statements and a less than flashy loss against a subpar Clemson game, this was needed.
17) Family Guy is doing their Revenge of the Nerds musical performance bit in a talent show episode. Classic.
18) Speaking of the early 80's, I caught Beverly Hills Cop this weekend. I have decided that Eddie Murphy is the Rick Ankiel of the movie/ comedy world. Bare with me. If you recall, Rick Ankiel was a stud pitcher who woke up one day and couldn't throw a strike to save his life. He was like Charlie Sheen in Major League before he got glasses. Anyway, Ankiel found a new role as an outfielder. Eddie Murphy? He SUDDENLY became NOT funny. OVERNIGHT. I believe it started with Beverly Hills Cop 3. For the younger readers, check out Trading Places, Raw, Delirious, early SNL shows, Bev Hills Cop I and II, and some others. The original Beverly Hills Cop is SO funny. So, Eddie becomes NOT funny, is as lost as Kevin Costner for a bit (who NEVER recovered except for sport movies), and then finds a new role in kids movies and as a supporting actor in other flicks. He adapted. Side note, and VERY important point. Every guy has a "flipper" when watching TV. What did I have? The OT Nugs/ Thunder game AND Golden Child. If you are not familiar with The Golden Child, it is the worst movie released DURING the time that Eddie Murphy was still funny. You still laugh at it. Trust me. "I want the knife..."
18a) Plus, what the hell other time in life could you have an all synthesizer theme song rule the air waves for months? Harold Faltermeyer. Axel F. It is like Peter in Family Guy walking around to his own theme music after being granted that wish. Axel F just ROCKED, and was MANDATORY for a young piano player back in the day. So was Jump by Van Halen. So were those stupid Richard Marx songs. Damn.
19) My favorite tattoo story is Jason Terry's. In October of 2010, without a championship, he got a tattoo on his arm of the Larry O'Brien trophy. A little assuming, aye? Yup. Except that after a lackluster year for the team and just sneaking in the playoffs, they go on to win it all. Brilliant. He got to hold the actual one, and has the tattoo to remind him of it. Just. Badass.
20) The plan to have Bubba Watson's recently purchased General Lee be the pace car in Phoenix later this year was scrapped. The confederate flag was deemed negative on a sport trying to rid itself of that image. I get it, but it still sucks. I might have actually turned on that race. In related news, the Budweiser shootout happened this weekend, the week before Daytona. A race with no points awarded, so evidently it actually makes racers more uninhibited. Whatever. Also, in more related news, Carl Edwards and Greg Biffle are in the front row for Daytona. I wouldn't be so excited, but I said Biffle's team would win the team part this year. Well, I read an entire NASCAR preview on it and then passed my naive opinions along. Biffle. What a cool name.
21) Read this one slowly. UNC bball won over Clemson for the 56th straight time at home. FIFTY SIX. That is a LOT. Powerhouse or not, in all of the ebb and flow of rebuilding years, etc., they haven't won in 56 tries. Wow. They should have caught them in the late 90's or early 2000's, because I can't see it happening anytime soon on the Roy Williams watch.
22) I admit at times I am slow. I admit it. The first 10 times I saw the State Farm Insurance commercial when the male agent and the tough guy were talking was some odd "journey" guy to guy moment on TV. On the 11th time, I caught that it was simply a Journey band reference. My bad. Anyway I want it? Anyway you need it. All night? Every night. Got it now. Whoops.
23) I wasn't worried about Hue Jackson not getting another job. Back to the land of assistant coaching and having to prove himself all over again and have us forget about his verbal rant after the season, he is back with the Bengals. Good luck, Hue. Aside from that little rant, you did a pretty good job with lackluster talent in my opinion.
24) Crazy stat I heard this week. Dwayne Wade made his FIRST 3 ptr of the SEASON this week. Dude might not be Reggie Miller, but he can shoot ok. I would have bet the house that this stat was wrong. It is not. NOW, you can sleep better at night with that little nugget. Tell your friends.
25) The Wings are now at 23 straight home games with a win. Nice streak, guys. I would say more on this, but have already commented on it in the last 3 rants. Maybe I will have something next time. I feel like I have been writing about this streak for weeks, which I have. Good stuff.
26) We are getting closer to March, and things are heating up and getting weirder. Baylor continues its not so impressive run against decent teams by losing AT HOME to Kansas State (on my brief editing run, I can now report they beat a subpar Texas team), previously upstart UNLV gets beat by a suddenly upstart New Mexico (coached by ex-Indiana great, Steve Alford-'87 player of the year (Keith Smart was actually the hero for the record)), Marquette beats UCONN AT UNCONN, and Murray State stomps a very good St. Mary's team (St. Mary's WAS missing one main guy-wouldn't have made a difference) on national TV with Dick Vitale in the house. Good stuff, and I am getting so excited for my favorite month of the year when I ignore everyone and everything except for work.
27) If I EVER Tivo a game, show, or event, it will be when I miss a Hubie Brown announced NBA game...even if it the Wizards against the Bobcats. Ok, maybe that is reaching, but you get the point. Brilliance on the mic, my friends.
28) I am kind of impressed by the press the last couple days. Not much being said about Colts owner Irsay or Colts QB Peyton Manning. VERY proud of you all. The silence actually heightens the anticipation of something very, very big coming out in the next week (kind of like the anticipation of death actually made Hard to Kill watchable). It could be franchise changing, along with balance of power shifting movement in the NFL.
29) I have invented a new term. "Public Jogger." You know these people. You are at a bar on a Friday or Saturday night at 9pm in a busy part of town, and this workout gear decked out person runs by the place you are. These people have an odd motivation source. They HAVE to pick a busy street or busy time of night to run by people who a) are having fun on a normal fun night b) will see them running and therefore the person HAS to keep on running. These people are shallow. Either that, or this is their way of being social. Like they CAN'T find a park or less busy street nearby...right. Rock on, public jogger. I will run in a dark park and know I am STILL doing good for myself. I don't need eyes on me.
30) Big week for boxer Dereck Chisora. He slaps Klitscho at the pre fight conference, then loses, THEN gets in a brawl with ex-champion David Haye AFTER the loss. Apparently still upset for having a random "c" in his name, he will now look for a new opponent. Dude, give Kim Clijsters a call to hang out. She is still getting over the "j."
31) Imagine. Utah football was pretty damn good being in a subpar conference and playing better teams with less than top flight talent. Now, they are in the Pac-12. Better schools. More visibility. Something tells me they will be in a BCS bowl about 3 years from now. They might have to capitalize on a rebuilding year for USC, but I think this is a good ballpark guess.
32) Injuries might have forced him off the radar for a year or so, but look out baseball world. Joe Mauer is back, and healthy. Who is he? You baseball people already know how badass he is. For you non-baseball fans, he is "the guy in the Head and Shoulders Troy Polamalu" commercials.
33) Thanks Mr. Truckdriver from 1993. Thanks for FINALLY apologizing to Bobby Hurley for ruining his NBA career back then. Daniel Wieland hit Hurley in an almost fatal car crash on Bobby's drive back from a game. Not sure why it took so long, and I for one am curious how well that tough kid would have panned out in the league, but I guess now is better than never. I am not saying that he would have made it long term, but let's just say this about his toughness. The doctor that night said that 99% of people would have died in that crash. HE didn't. Maybe he didn't have all of the physical tools, but no one can crack his character or will.
34) Bruce Weber has told the media that he refuses to resign at Illinois basketball. I know, I know. It is just my prerogative, but I get this feeling after this last little losing streak, that you might not have that option by the end of March. It is in the cards, as they say.
35) Count me in on the old Wichita State bandwagon. Before you leave this hook, remember that you WILL most likely be entering a bracket pool in March...no matter HOW much you care about college bball. I am off the UNLV bandwagon, and on the Shocker bandwagon (it is the mascot of the team, people-not a bad joke). Legitimate 7 footer, experienced squad, and great coach. Solid backcourt. If I am in a major conference hovering around .500 in that conference, I would be HORRIFIED to see them on Selection Sunday in my first game.
36) I recently went grocery shopping. I have OCD and get the same thing every time. I have a full cart every 2 weeks, but am in and out (barring bad check out lines) in about 22 minutes. Anyway, I was in the frozen aisle, and saw an item that I used to eat all the time back in the day. I will go on record with this. I think that the pizza version of Hot Pockets could be the greatest thing to come out of a microwave.
37) In their first statement game since becoming "good," the Sixers flamed out against the Mavs on national TV. Not saying they aren't decent, and they may win one round in the playoffs, but they are still missing SOMETHING. Cool as it is that your leading scorer comes off the bench, I personally don't think you are aligned for a championship if that is the case. Just saying.
38) Very cool when the genes come through. Kelvin Taylor, a 5 star RB from FL and a junior in high school, verbally committed to Florida. His dad? Fred Taylor. Thing that I still have not confirmed, don't have time to do further research during this rant, but made me do a double take was this. Dude has already broken Emmit Smith's HS record in rushing. Like I said, I didn't double check this, but crazy if he did it in 3 years.
39) Duke bball came back from 20 down with 11 plus left at Cameron to beat NC State the other night. Rule is this, people. AT Cameron, it is against the law to turn off any game with less than 4 minutes left if they are down. Why would you anyway? If Duke is winning, you know it will happen and can turn the channel and look for Beverly Hills Cop on TBS. If Duke is losing, you know "the run" is coming. And who doesn't love to see the chance of Duke losing at home for Pete's Sake. Side note. Get NC State while you can. Check out the recruiting for next year. NC State is BACK, and Indiana will also officially join the party.
40) San Antonio Spurs are at 10 straight wins. Manu Ginobili is hurt again. Peaking a little early, still making us worry about their health, and surprising us as always. Wait a minute. Nevermind. Don't sweat them, rest of the league. It is an even year with 2012. The Spurs can't win it in anything but an odd year. Case closed.
41) I hear the guy from Jersey Shore will be playing during NBA All-Star weekend. Someone asked me if I watch the show...since I am from New Jersey. Why do I need to watch it, for Pete's Sake? I am FROM Jersey. I LIVED it. I might tune in to make sure he can hold serve in basketball against non-Jersey people, but that is it. Shit. Just realize that my new habit of not watching MTV over the last 20 years has made me forget to try and catch the new Beavis and Buttheads. Damn.
42) Line I will sneak in SOME conversation over the next week, AND make it work. From Bev Hills Cop, "this is not my locker." I will. It will be funny. Maybe not funny funny. Maybe dumb Fillerbuster11 funny.
43) In one other jogger hook, check this out. Someone passed the bar I was last weekends jogging, with the words "freedom" on his workout gear. I look at my buddy, and say "I suddenly feel like going to watch Braveheart." Without prepping it (I have know my friend for a LOT of years), we both simultaneously yell "Freedom!" at the top of our lungs. The guy, who is now 20 feet down the way, gives us a thumbs up as he runs away. I am entertained by very little things, but it was my favorite part of the day/ night.
44) Kevin Durant had 51 points in the OT win against the Nugs. Scary thing is this. Not only is he an oversized 3-think the next generation's version of Dirk... Now, the dude can score off the dribble. He averaged 30 pretty much just being a spot up shooter. Now, he can go AROUND people. Wow, what a talent. This rant has already predicted the Thunder will lose to the Bulls (with a healthy Derrick Rose) in the Finals. Really scary part? OKC's core. Durant, Westbrook, Harden, and Ibaka? No one over the age of 23 and all signed on. Watch out, people.
45) The world lost a few expert skiers this week in the Washington avalanche. Very sad. I felt bad laughing at my co-worker telling us today in a team meeting about the avalanche in Washington, DC. Uhhh. No mountains there, girl.
46) RGIII changed his pro day to not conflict with Andrew Luck's. Good move. You are good. If you go before Luck, I am not sure what I will do, but I will do SOMETHING. Can't happen, people.
47) Jay Haas beat Phil Mickelson in a playoff in the PGA event this weekend. In a related story, Semi-Charmed Kind of Life, the #1 songs of the year that no one reads the lyrics and realizes that the song is all about drugs and sex because it sounds so "happy," is also now again popular. Haas, you have to be pretty old, bro.
48) Syracuse bball barely escaped Rutgers over the weekend. In a story about 4 times longer than Favre comeback articles, Rutgers "almost" beats a LOT of good schools.
49) Ex-Raiders Routt signs with the Chiefs. Watch these guys, people. Subpar division. Healthy Cassel coming back. Solid RB situation. If the Chargers play yet another year of only playing 11 quality games, put me in for the Chiefs as your AFC West champion.
50) I think DVD's with movies having "alternate endings" is stupid. Dumb. Listen, thanks for the extra shit to watch when I rent it, but to me, it just seems like you were undecided of how to end the movie. My theory is this. If I don't like the movie (happens frequently), then I guess you are telling me "well, Fillerbuster, we ALMOST decided to end it THIS way. Better?"
51) Oscar weekend. GO Extremely Loud, Incredibly Close. In the words of Rocky IV, "you know what you have to do. Now, DO it. DO it." Movie is AWESOME.
52) That is it, people. Thanks for the time. I will be writing again Thursday night, so hope you check it out Friday morning. Hooks, lines, and sinkers. As one shepherd said to the other shepherd, I am going to get the flock out of here. AND. Now, I'm done. Peace.
53) Enjoy the only rant that may ever exist without one single direct Seinfeld reference. Won't happen again.
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3 keys to a successful rant... 1. Diss Keanu Reaves (hook 5) Give UNC props (hook 21) 3. Pick the long shot Oscar winner to actually win (hook 52). In other words, just agree with me!!
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