Read it, don't read it, I don't care...just need to get some things off my chest.
In no particular order of chronology or importance...
Unexcused absences in this blog mean one thing and one thing only...this is probably going to be ONE LONG RANT.
You tell him I'M coming...and hell's coming with me, you hear?
1. Terrell Davis comes to mind as the last one, but I personally can't wait for the debate when Devin Hester is retired and then is eligible for the Hall of Fame. During highlights of his latest record breaking return for a touchdown, I heard a lot of the announcers mentioning that he would be in if it was up to them. I get it. He is perhaps one of the most electrifying athletes of our generation. I am in awe of some of his returns. Some of them are like watching some of those old school Barry Sanders runs. I stop what I am doing when there is a punt return if the game is on in my general area. All that being said, put me as a solid "no" as of right now. He is an average receiver, and an above average corner, and just fortunately a special teams coach nightmare. However, unless he goes on to get about 20 more return touchdowns, I don't think he is one of the best football players of all time. He DOES affect games here and there, sure. I can't see him getting 20 more TD's, as if he gets another 5 or 6, teams are going to stop kicking to him. Really, this time. They swear. I know they all wondered why they were kicking to him the last 5 or 6 returns as it is. Anyway, he lets fans gets their money's worth, but I think we have to draw the line somewhere.
2. The Texas/ Cardinals World Series matchup is going to be a good one. I think this has 7 games written ALL over it. True. Not the biggest markets matchup. True. Both teams have serious flaws. True. Both teams were not really expected to be here. But. They got there together, making the stars align for a good one overall. Unfortunately, a lot of people will tune out because they are not any of the glamour teams, and it is a shame. I think they will be missing an exciting one. Think about these things. Does St. Louis need to win to keep Pujols? He is in a win-win situation. Hold on. Make that win-win-win situation. The third win is that he will get paid royally regardless. Hell, if Ryan Howard is having someone sign his paychecks to flame out the last few years when it counts, what the hell do you pay someone who already was regarded as the best player AND has stepped up to put his team on his back to get to the World Series? If they lose, he can leave and say that he is doing all he can and that he wants to go somewhere that is built for the long haul. If they win, he can either stay and be even more of a city hero than he already is, or walk away with the legendary stand of bringing a another World Series championship before he checked out of the city with perhaps the most passionate fans in America. Texas. If they win, then the Phoenix Suns will bring back Amare and try to win championships with offense. VERY questionable starting pitching. If they lose, they will realize that they got beat by the surprising Giants the year before and then this year they lose without having to lose against the Phils, Yankees, or Red Sox. It's not like those teams are going away. Texas had the loophole and then blew it if they don't come out of here with a win.
3. Why was it news that the Rangers would pursue CC Sabbathia in the offseason? Concentrate, guys. You are not done, yet. Let's, as they say, cross that bridge when you get to it.
4. Does Tom Brady purposely spread out his 4th QTR comebacks to just rejuvenate the legendary talk? Cowboys play not to lose, and Brady makes them pay. Classic drive if you didn't see it. You can use terms like surgeon, methodical, dissecting, etc. Dude. I don't want to see it, but now you just need to win another one to officially ride out of town like Josey Wales on a horse after every movie.
5. I think I am up to about 149 times of saying this, but Cris Collingsworth really irritates me. Maybe it is just the voice. I don't know. I think I miss a lot of the smart things he says because of his voice. There. I admit it. I don't even know if I spelled his first name right, and I am NOT going to check it.
6. I HAVE to give a shout out to my shitty college football team. We don't have a signature win since George Welsh was the coach, but they won this week. Against who? More like against what? EVERYONE is irritated about playing Navy and Georgia Tech when it comes up on their schedule. Changing everything you do normally and preparing for the triple option is just, well, a pain in the ass. So UVA goes out and beats the team that runs over everyone. Strange win. I would get more optimistic, but considering how good the basketball and football teams were when I went there, I won't get my hopes up quite yet. I just hope we get another good QB before Matt Schaub hits retirement age. The thing about UVA is that they used to kind of suck, but still turned out NFL players for me to track and yell "UVA!" during random games. NOT MUCH in the last few years. We need a couple skill position players at that level. Hey, VA Tech, will you stop raiding our recruits? It is not funny anymore.
7. Who the hell sings the MLB playoff song that has been playing? Without proactively trying, I hope to accidentally find out before the end of the series. Something about things being written in the stars, seasons come and go, yada yada yada...I'm on my way. What the hell happened to the small words in the corner of the TV saying who the song is by? Is Fox and TBS TRYING to irritate me? The song is like George. At first, it came across a little irritating. Now, we are in the World Series, and I am singing "co...STANZ a..."
8. Just like I was confused when suddenly college football was suddenly called the FBS, I am equally confused how everything this year is a freaking "bubble screen." Where the hell did this come from? Don't tell me to look it up. I did. I got it. My point is this, there WERE bubble screens, a lot of them, all through the years. How come we suddenly are calling everything one NOW?
9. Speaking of bubble screens and people who have said on record they HATE them, Jon Gruden just signed a new 5 year deal with ESPN. See? There ARE people who read my blog. I just wrote about how although I recognize his football genius, he just SOUNDS like football on MNF, and NOT to leave. Thanks for listening, Jon. Give me a call. We will grab drinks next time you are in town. Hell, bring Dexter Jackson with you. I would like to talk with him also.
10. In my dream world, Mike Gundy would have gotten hired to the NFL last year for the 49ers, and HE would have been involved in that bizarre handshake thing between Harbaugh and Schwartz. Can you imagine? I won't re-quote one of my favorite coach press conference lines (#2. STILL #1- Practice? by far), but it would have been worth the price of admission. Anyway, my take on this whole thing is this. I know they both have their teams firmly in their realm. They are leading two of the most surprising teams in the NFL. I just think this. You, as a coach, are telling your team to keep their cool on the field, don't lose your temper, and to play smart. Well, lead by example. This is not a movie called Hoosiers. They won't let you play with 10 players on the field either. And if this is Hoosiers, are you two BOTH playing Dennis Hopper's part?
11. The BoSox owner has said that he opposed the Carl Crawford pickup. When was the last time that an underachieving player who was out of the playoffs got so much run? No, Manny. I WASN'T talking to you. Congratulations on your not guilty plea this past week. We believe you, dude. What? No, dude. Don't worry, man. You are on my SPECIAL team. I would NEVER diss you. Tell Owens, that changed name Peace/ Metta guy, and Ocho I said hello. No, I am not in the mood for a strip club. Call DeShawn. He is not working yet. Yes, Manny. They are still locked out. Peace.
12. Yay. I love this story. Video games, beer, and off days in the Red Sox clubhouse. I love the TIMING of this story, when they are sitting home after underachieving. Lester went from one of the most courageous comebacks to one of THOSE guys in a heartbeat. Listen guys. The 86' Mets won and they were known as crazy. All good. The '94 Phils got there and only lost because of a guy who owns bowling alleys presently I believe. They were misfits. They weren't supposed to be there. This story probably didn't come out about the Phils, because they were probably drinking between innings WHILE playing. This is 2011. You all blew your huge lead. You all weren't up to snuff. Bottom line is this. Why don't you go watch some hitters' scouting tapes, and lose the beer during the season in the clubhouse. Or, go get yourself a Slumpbuster and call it a day.
13. This just happened as I am writing this. I might as well tell you now in case you miss seeing the highlights. This one will be top 10 for the week though, so you should see it unless you live in a bubble (MOOPS!). Check out the play by Elvis Andrus to Ian Kinsler for an out in the bottom of the 5th in game 2. Awesome.
14. You know how when we prepped for an oral report or speech in grade school, we were told to do it in a mirror, or record yourself? Well, someone whisper those sweet nothings into the ear of Jay Cutler. Dude, are you purposely trying to diss your unlikable image by looking MORE like a punk? Record. Take constructive criticism. Improve. Oh. One more thing, bro. Try not to get caught on camera cussing your OC out. He HAS a ring, Jay. You know. That thing you are supposed to be playing for instead of just for the money. Hey, Jay. I want to sing you a song...Ready? JEEE-ff GEEEOO-rge. JEEEEEE-fff GEEEEOOO-rge....That's all I have written for now, but the guy walking by my window liked it.
15. I never said that I was the brightest bulb on the tree, but King Soopers is offering a needle free flu shot. I am confused. Do you drink it? I am an open book. I COULD look this up and not make myself look slow, but you are reading this, maybe regularly. I just wanted to keep it real and open.
16. OK. So that Jay Z song, 99 Problems that I thought was for Real Steel? It was for a video game-Battlefield 3. It still confuses me how a TV commercial bleeps a cuss word out with the world watching. It reminds of the first time I thought I saw a boob in NYPD Blue in the early 90's.
17. Wheldon dies in a car crash. I am sorry for his family and his whole following. I will be honest with you. I am surprised that it doesn't happen more. Going around 200 MPH in a circle by yourself is dangerous. Going around 200 MPH in a circle with 30 other drivers doing the same thing is just crazy.
18. I think we will see a reduction in this whole "let's pay college athletes" issue. Really. With the way some of these new teams in different conferences are lining up, schools will have enough problems paying the airfare, let alone paying them money in addition. People. "Jetlag" in college football is ONLY supposed to be used in correlation to out of conference games or going to play Hawaii. Speaking of, where the hell is Tommy Chang these days?
19. Norv Turner's comeback on Rex Ryan is my favorite line of the week. Ryan was asked about Turner and said something to the effect that he would already have a few rings over there. Turner responded by busting on those rings that didn't happen as possibly one that Ryan guaranteed and didn't get. Classic. Nice work, Norv. By the way, if you were a Jet for the last few years, wouldn't you feel a little slighted by Ryan's comment? Maybe Santonio should be given the mic. Just kidding. Stop calling out your offensive line or get open sooner. There are a bunch of big dudes in that Jets locker room. You might get one or two good punches in with your fat Super Bowl ring on, but you ain't taking down them all.
20. Wait. Norv Turner's line WASN'T my favorite line. It was actually from Joe Buck. If you hadn't noticed, Viagra is one of the World Series sponsors. You know how when the announcer mentions a sponsor, they say a tag line? Joe Buck, in game 1, announced Viagra, and then there was about 3 seconds of awkward silence. It is like Viagra knew that anything they said would be gray area, and that they should be just happy they are a sponsor.
21. Wait again. My favorite line was not in sports. My car, with whom I have a deep relationship with (her name is Eleanor), has been in the shop all week. After the first day, the shop called me to update me. They, and I quote, said "we can't figure it out." Uhhh. Great. She is still in the shop by the way. A DIFFERENT shop, but still in the shop nevertheless.
22. I have an apartment by the front door. Right by it. A guy in my apartment orders out EVERY night. EVERY single one of them. In case you are curious, he also coincidentally LOOKS like a guy who orders out every single night. I am going to stick to my turkey sandwiches, spaghetti, and Cheerios...with some blocks of cheese in between. Blocks of 2% cheese are my CRAZY nights.
23. Vince Young threw his first Eagles pass this past week. It actually looked like the cornerback thought he was dreaming when the ball came straight to him. It wasn't exactly that Mr. Second String meant when he coined them the Dream Team. I hear those two, Neil O' Donnell, and Larry Brown are all at a strip club as we speak. That was a live report.
24. Article I didn't open. A man was charged with slapping Devon Hester. The only reason Hester is actually pursuing these charges is because he hasn't been touched in his last 4 touchdown returns.
25. Brandon Lloyd has been sent by the Broncos to the Rams for draft picks. In a recent tweet, Lloyd said he was happy, but would miss spending 5 or 20 minutes with Tebow as the starter. Sorry, people. SORRY! It really never gets old for me. EVER. Deal with it.
26. I will change these rankings a million times most likely, but I finished my 80's list. All songs had to dismiss any band who had more than 3 #1 hits. 1990 was legal, as about 5 bands came out with one of their final tries to keep glam rock real in that year. This obviously dismisses such bands as Bon Jovi, Def Leppard, Guns N' Roses, Van Halen, Poison, etc. Anyway, I divided my list into best songs, best hidden gems, and best ballads. My ROUGH draft is as follows. It is ROUGH because I had a busy work week, I cleaned my apartment while compiling the list, and needed to get back to real life after going through every CD and cassette tape I owned. BEST SONGS: Here I Go Again, Rock You Like a Hurricane, We're Not Gonna Take It, 18 and Life, and Still of the Night. BEST HIDDEN GEMS: Eyes of a Stranger (Queensryche), Back on the Streets (John Norum-ex-Europe guitarist), Crying' in the Rain (Whitesnake), Desperately (Slaughter), and House of Broken Love (Great White). BEST BALLADS: Sister Christian, Ballad of Jayne, Heaven, I Remember You, Silent Lucidity. That being said, if this were a cross country running race, Winger made a great showing. They didn't have any in the top 5, but they DOMINATED from 6 on.
27. You should be scared about how many things are not crossed off my list.
28. In case an earthquake occurs, a tidal wave hits, a fall Hurricane comes up the coast, etc., know this. I fully cleaned my apartment last weekend AND am going to a church retreat this weekend. Just saying...Crazy shit.
29. Missouri wanting to go to the SEC is like Johnny wanting to enter the karate tournament the year after Danielson smoked him. Not smart. Hey, AD of Missouri, go get a Bonsai tree and just...chill...
30. Brandon Marshall DID play like a monster on Monday night. I think he was SO excited to do well and then get himself kicked out early that he dropped 3 passes and couldn't keep his balance when he was TD bound with not one soul around him. Nice, bro. Keep it up.
31. I was teased with Fox Sports being blocked occasionally at work. NOW, they have blocked ESPN. SHHH. I still have CNNSI to check the wire, but this is ridiculous. My boss reads this blog, and I know he also thinks this is ridiculous also. He also checks the wire here and there.
32. Michael Vick almost hit a cheerleader kicking a football after a play he was frustrated with. Although we were happy the cheerleader didn't get pegged, we officially saw the stroke and follow through of Vick's action when a dog lost a fight that he bet on.
33. What? He still deserves that joke. Come on. Take it easy. It is still legal. You are reading the WRONG blog if you think that that joke was over the top.
34. Hold the phone. Stop what you are doing. Terrell Owens has announced officially that he is READY. Take a deep breath. I know that this is huge news. Moving on...
35. People. The grass is green, the sky is blue, and it has just been made public that Dwight Gooden missed the '86 Mets championship parade because he was on drugs. That would be like my ex-fiancee calling me and alerting me that she was sleeping with her best friend's brother when we were engaged. Duhh...Tell me something I DON'T know.
36. In my horrible joke of the week, the Minnesota Vikings have announced a QB change. They told the media that they would have announced it earlier, but they needed a few days to ponder the decision. He He He.
37. I love how the same day that the NBA announces that talks are still stalled, the NBA stars announce that they plan a 6 game exhibition tour. Sounds like they are really losing sleep over this thing. Word is that Kobe was just glad he made ESPN's top 10 best players, so that maybe he can make one of the starting 5's. LeBron was #1 in this list. I am not saying it will happen, because I truly believe he is too good to be denied. However, if LeBron does go championship-less for his career, he will make Dan Marino look like a hero. Everyone also settle down about Kobe being #7. I think that is about right personally. You can be on the other side of your prime, be #7 in the league, and still know you are one of the best ever. It's all good. It is a shame LeBron doesn't have MJ's or Kobe's fire, and it is a shame that these idiots think Dwight Howard is #2, but I am ok with everything in there overall. With Howard, we are talking about basketball TALENT on this list, not people who happen to have the perfect body for a basketball big man. Fix it.
38. Hold on. I have another bad joke. This one might be worse than the other one. Washington has announced they will start John Beck at QB this week. When asked about what he thought of his promotion, John replied," Man? I am on a MISSION!" He He He.
39. St. Pierre is going to miss UFC 137. Damn. There goes one of the 2-3 guys I even recognize who they are that are out of it.
40. Did you see that Indiana punter punt it parallel to the ground, nit a Wisconsin player, bounce straight in the air, and then was caught by a Wisconsin player? People. Once again. They are winning it all. My call since early August. They are already good, but if the ball bounces their way too? Look out.
41. USC AD Pat Haden has brought to our attention that players in this rivalry don't treasure it as much as the old days. Uhhh. THANKS, Einstein. Too bad the atom already has been split. You missed out. YOU are talking about a time when the winner of that game for THREE straight years won the overall championship. WE are watching one team that can't recruit legally and another which has pretty much sucked over the last ten years but still is always on national TV. Thanks. If that damn millionaire show was on, and I was on it, I would use you as my "friend" call or whatever the hell they called that thing. Lifeline? Whatever.
42. I know it is a rite of passage when we conjure up possibilities of undefeated teams going the whole way. I get it. The Packers ARE good. I am not THAT bitter about last year. OK. I AM. But. I will not let that cloud that judgement. I say 15-1 tops. I looked at the schedule. Says here that the Pack will drop either the @ SD game or @ NYG game. One is a dangerous team. One is a tough place to play against someone who already HAS a ring. Book it.
43. Dwight Howard is deciding whether to stay or go in Orlando. You know the guy plays in a town that doesn't care when it has rubbed off on the rest of the nation that we don't care either. It is like missing work because you are a Florida Marlins fan. Tree in the forest, yada yada yada...Come on. The joke is there. See the joke. BE the joke. Sorry, I just watched Caddyshack this weekend in between listening to Trixter and Danger Danger and making my list.
44. I personally think that they made a BUNCH of Brian Wilson commercials, were planning on releasing them in the playoffs, and then the Giants didn't make it, and they had to release them anyway. I LOVE Wilson, but it just seems a a little late media strategy.
45. Carson Palmer goes to the Raiders. Damn, I want to fly to Oakland and watch one of their practices. TWO 1st rounders (conditional)? That is a LOT. Either Kyle Boller must REALLY suck or Terrelle scored a zero on the Wonderlic. Do they still take a Wonderlic for the supplemental draft? Anyway, I think it is a good fit. The bad news is that we don't know if he can still get back to top form. The good news is that we don't know if he can still get back to top form. His practice partner was Houshmandzadeh. I wonder. Package deal at some point? And why the hell don't those little ESPN Spelling Bee kids have to spell HIS name.
46. Nolan Ryan says Texas in 6. Who is going to argue with that guy? Nice safe pick, not picking an overwhelming victory, not a guarantee, and we all still have vivid memories of Robin Ventura rushing the mound.
47. I am not ignoring hockey in this rant. I am just waiting for it to develop some patterns so I can start judging teams. Too early. It is like batters batting .600 in mid April.
48. Is Andrew Luck in witness protection? Do they even KNOW his name on the east coast? I don't remember a year when a guy will have to throw 4 interceptions in a game to be out of the conversation. He is like the glitzy college version of 2001 Trent Dilfer. Ok. That was a stretch. It doesn't matter. When it is all said and done, I think Trent Richardson or Kellen Moore take the Heisman....maybe Russell Wilson. Michigan State could personally be the Heisman killers. They ruined Denard Robinson last week. He is out. Now they have a shot at ruining Wilson's Cinderella's season. Don't think it will happen, though. And. I think RG3 had to come close to running the table to do it. Sorry, dude. That early loss kills you.
49. Bozella won is comeback fight at 52 years old. I didn't see that coming at all. I don't know much about your opponent, but still. Dibs.
50. UCLA is losing 42-7 with 14 minutes left in the THIRD quarter to Arizona. You have an interim coach beating the shit out of an "offensive genius." Hey, Rick, they have good carpenters at ESPN. They can easily make those Gameday tables larger, so get ready to make yourself at home. Call George Costanza's carpenter. He can put a nap area under the table. Just don't ask me to call in a bomb threat. I am not down with that. Interesting fact. I just learned that Arizona hasn't had a QB drafted in the NFL for like 37 years. Crazy. That, of course, changes this year with Nick Foles, but that is still a long time. Tell your friends.
51. Foster parents leave their son at a Browns game. If this was take 15, I might have time to go off on this one. Too Many Jokes. This is take 51. I will just report the idiocy. I hear that after the incident that the boy was feeling very blue though.
52. Proof that there are bigger things in life besides sports. Jerry West has come forward about his depression. The guy is literally...LITERALLY...the face of the NBA, and he is sad. Man, get better, Jerry. As a basketball player growing up, I have only love for you AND your game.
53. Will Smith is a minority owner for the 76ers now. His parents were against the purchase. He told them that they just don't understand. Wow, this rant is on a horrible joke ROLL...
54. Jay Cutler is going to end up being Jeff George, and Jason Campbell is going to end up being Dave Krieg.
55. Sean Payton breaks his leg when his TE rolls onto him. No joke here. That was just CRAZY though.
56. South Carolina is Mel Rose Place. SOMETHING is ALWAYS happening with their football program. Garcia, and now Lattimore. It stinks for them. They lose a game they shouldn't have lost because they were starting a headcase, and then they lose a class act running back who was going to have an incredible season. Steve Spurrier must be watching Groundhog Day right now. They can't win anything big this year with a change of QB AND losing their star RB, but you better believe they will be preseason top 10 once again next year. AGAIN. NEXT year is the year.
57. I could keep going, but I have to pack. FOR MY CHURCH RETREAT. Crazy. If you would have told me two months ago that I would be missing the prime time college football game to be baptized again, I would have told you told you to go sleep with Roseanne Barr. Anyway. I have to pack a suitcase. My car better be fixed by tomorrow, because my retreat is scheduled perfectly so that I get back for the Steelers on Sunday, and I can't rely on someone wanting to get out of there on time on Sunday.
58. Anyway. Monday will be the next one assuming work doesn't interlude. If you don't think I'm done, "I have two guns...one for each of ya." Peace.
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