Read it, don't read it, I don't care...just need to get some things off my chest.
In no particular order of chronology or importance...
I feel the need...the need for speed.
1) Useless stat of the week. Weeks 1-4 in the NFL had the most passing yards in the history of the NFL. Hold on. Let's clarify what I am saying. NOT overall passing. I am telling you that each individual week ranked either 1,2,3, or 4 in the history of any week in the NFL. That is some crazy shit. Tell your friends. They will be impressed.
2) Tiger Woods ended up -7 at the Frys.com Open. Sounds good, right? Except for a couple things, it was. The winner had a -17, he tied for THIRTIETH, and there were only 8 of the top players in the entire field. I have a feeling that Tiger is sitting home watching "What About Bob" right now...hopefully, he got some eggs at the grocery store, too, so he has less ambition to go to breakfast place (I don't CARE how many times I use that Perkins joke-it is still funny to me)...Or maybe he will go get some hotdogs this time...hardy har har...
3) Robin Ventura was hired by the White Sox. No matter what he did during his career, I am pretty sure none of his players can make fun of him for not being a clutch hitter. He holds several MLB Grand Slam records, along with still holding that 58 game hitting streak at Oklahoma State. Dude was a stud. One other thing. Technically, tonight's walk off Grand Slam by Texas was the first official walk-off Grand Slam in playoff history, but not in theory. Mr. Ventura actually hit one over the wall against the Braves in the 15th inning, Game 5 in the '90's to end a playoff game, but he was mobbed by teammates so much that he never touched home plate. Therefore, it goes in the books as a one run win.
4) When someone goes into a job interview at MLB headquarters to be a MLB ump, is there one of those amusement park "must be at least this tall to ride this ride" signs outside the interviewer's office...and is that sign like 6'8"? In the most non-contact professional sport, the umpires are like a bunch of Herman Munsters walking around the field.
5) Now that I am religiously doing this blog twice a week, and with my favorite sport about to start up in a month, and with all of the feedback I get back about some of these things being too long, I have to tell you this. If I have to make myself stop at 30 takes or so now (except for blind airplane rants when I have free time), how the HELL am I going to stop myself once basketball starts up? I might need to get an egg timer to put by my computer.
6) Poor Robbie Hummel. Purdue won't be bad at all. They will be ok. But, with last year's injury separating one of the scariest 3-somes in years in college basketball, he must feel like he is showing up to a bar get together with out of state friends at 215am...with them all catching a plane the next day.
7) I have a lot to cover, so I won't cover it too much, but if you missed that Miami-VA Tech football game...FIND it online. Or wait for it to be an instant classic on ESPN Classic. Great game. Exciting game. I am SO glad I am a professional channel flipper. There was a lot going on when that was going down.
8) OK. So I was wrong and gave the young UT QB WAY too much credit. They got smoked. Ummm. Oklahoma is VERY good, people.
9) Ummm. LSU is VERY good. I think that this two QB system might get them in trouble later in the season, and understand WHY they are doing it, but for now, they are coasting...and against some pretty good competition.
10) Ummm. Alabama is VERY good. November 5th. DON'T call me. DON'T text me. DON'T email me. I am not home that day.
11) Something tells me that the Jets are wishing they would have saved their smack talking to Mr. Brady before their game in Jersey. Or at least until they had a winning record. What do you think?
12) Ummm. Boise State is very good. I know Moore won't go until the third or fourth round because of physical limitations, but if I was an NFL GM, I would have that trump card ready to throw down if I was indecisive about my next pick in that general area.
13) Zach Greinke said Chris Carpenter is "phony" before the season started. Dude. Who rattled your cage? It is true you had one of the best seasons for one of the worst teams ever and are now on a contender, but I would not trash a Cy Young winner until you do something relevant. Plus, I just wanted to sneak in an obvious Seinfeld reference. Yay.
14) The US Soccer team finally won under their new coach. It was a FRIENDLY. Do we even count that? That is like the Washington Generals beating the Globetrotters. Not sure if it counts, we know everyone was being really nice to each other, and it is just weird. Call me when it counts.
15) After the Cardinals nicknamed their squirrel the "rally squirrel," a squirrel was caught before Game 5 against the Phils. Actually, I am surprised I haven't heard much more about this crazy event. We want Favre to leave the wire and want Ocho to stop doing dumb things, and then we get an obvious media snowball that is left alone. Odd.
16) I WANT A FLOWCHART, DAMMIT!!!!!! So, a couple weeks after Pitt and Syracuse apply to the ACC, the Big East announces expansion? WTF? Someone tell me when all this bullshit is done and I might be able to map out some predictions and takes on effects on each sport of the transfers. Geeezz.
17) What's the cliche? You know. The tree and if anyone hears it. Are Kansas State, Illinois, and Stanford the quietest unbeaten major conference teams ever? If it wasn't for Andrew Luck and the immortal survivor Ron Zook, we wouldn't know ANYTHING about them.
18) Foo Fighters were in town, and I heard a block of Incubus songs on the jukebox the other night. Going with the whole best player to never win a championship theme, I have decided that these two bands are the best bands that oddly enough I don't own anything by.
19) LSU did a jump pass the other day. I want to know why more of these aren't done. With all of these crazy athletes playing the QB position, I would be using this every game at least once if I was running the show. The play ran perfectly. Of course, that is why I am just a blogger sitting on my couch, because I would also bring back 60 yard FG attempts and that cool running dive over the line play if the team was at the 1 yard line.
20) No Florida teams in this week's AP poll. One of the top 3 football hotbeds in the entire country, and no one is home.
21) I have decided that Ryan Howard is the individual baseball version of the Florida State football team. Neither of them have showed up for the last 3 weeks. St. Louis at home with Doc on the mound (I am just being mean-get your Achilles better, bro, and enjoy that contract you signed that will make Pujols the most ridiculously paid player of all time)? WAKE FREAKING FOREST?
22) Enigma wrapped in a mystery wrapped in a puzzle... Here I talk all of this good stuff about Tampa Bay and their core, and they lay an egg against the powerhouse Niners. What was it, 48-3? Did Tampa Bay suddenly think they were a directional college school playing Oklahoma?
23) Delmon Young is back for the Tigers. Might be a little too late after losing with your ace on the hill the night before.
24) I think Joe Montana is the coolest cat in the world, and would take him in a heartbeat behind center. However, watching Aaron Rodgers be down 2 touchdowns and come back like a surgeon was fantastic. That dude has ice in his veins. Good stuff, guy who broke my heart this past February.
25) The sky is blue, the grass is green, and Jimmie Johnson just won a race to pull within 4 points of the Chase lead. Hey, Tiger, do you remember when you use to pull this shit off? When people just choked when your name appeared on the leaderboard?
26) The Lions and Bears playing tonight made me think of something odd. There are no NFL teams that call themselves the Tigers. Oh my.
27) A woman gave birth right after finishing a marathon this past weekend. I didn't check to see if it was a boy or girl. If it was a boy, can you name him "Marathon?" Please? You could eliminate the whole breaking the ice part of meeting women when he hits puberty. If not Marathon, can it be "Seven?"
28) Let me tell you. There is nothing like being one of the most knowledgeable people in a fantasy league, having a natural stubbornness to not make trades or pickups because I want to continue to sleep in the bed I made, being forgetful about updating my lineup, and starting 4 players who had a bye week. The kicker to this story is I lost by 4 points, to a guy who also forgot to update his lineup and started 2 players on a bye week. Damn.
29) I think Jon Gruden is awesome. However, as I am sitting here watching MNF, I hope he never gets back into coaching. Not only does he say very intelligent observations, but he just SOUNDS like football should sound. Stay put, brother.
30) Sorry, got to keep going. I am far from done.
31) I know that Robert Griffin is the shit. This RG3 stuff by announcers has to stop though. I am going to end up disliking the kid in the same way of why I am confused about my hatred towards Phil Mickelson. Say it with me..."Griffin made a great throw on that play..."
32) Jay Cutler will make us slightly forget about Jeff George when it is all said and done. Waste of talent, waste of a cannon.
33) LSU pulled a non-called (Les Miles is famous for odd calls, but in this case the punter just recognized the lack of coverage) fake punt and then got it taken back because of taunting on the run-back. I loved the call-it is a new rule. I loved it even more that the announcers said Les Miles went up to the ref and said "great call." Gained some respect for you, Mr. Miles.
34) Did you all see the field goal by Clemson where it hit the crossbar and bounced over? Awesome. That team has already proven it is legit. God forbid if they have luck on their side also. Mom, this God reference wasn't in vain.
35) I am a bar customer that simply needs ESPN News on and I won't bother anyone. In fact, I have probably missed Ms. Right BECAUSE of my staring at the TV so intensely. Seriously. However, after the Phillies loss, I was somewhere where Seinfeld was on with no sound. Is it sad that I was happy as a clam? I knew the episode AND what they were saying. It wasn't even the lip reader episode-lol.
36) The famous Youtube dunker from last year was signed by the Harlem Globetrotters. If you haven't seen it, check this shit out. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jEgcml1Wx1w
37) However bitter I might be about my Phils, that Carpenter/ Halladay duel was epic. If you are going to get anything off Halladay, it HAS to be before he settles in. They did that. Giving either of those guys a 1-0 lead is like going up 2-0 in soccer or 2-0 against the mid to late 90's New Jersey Devils teams. It is pretty much done.
38) Obvious joke of the week. The Texas A&M buses were vandalized with manure. That is some crazy shit. They were kind of thrown under the bus, weren't they? Stream of consciousness, people. Don't judge me on my jokes...
39) I feel like Rip Van Winkle. Dantonio from MSU just got a "lifetime" contract. Did I miss something? I understood the Duke thing. Mike brought a championship every couple years. Did Michigan State win a bunch of championships since I laid down last night?
40) David Garrard wants a "committed" team. That's cool, man. Every committed team wants a QB that lives up to the hype. Stay by the phone, bro.
41) Does anyone else find it funny that the Fetish Ball (I have never been but always sworn that I would go one year) and my singles church retreat are the same weekend? Weird. How come I feel like that is going to come down to rolling dice (last rant reference-Big Bang Theory)?
42) SERIOUS TAKE. My thoughts are with your family this weekend, Mr. Davis. You were a hate-able character. You were like the football version of Frank Sinatra. You did things YOUR way. That being said, people, think about this. He was REAL. He was FAIR. He pretty much had a say in everything that we love about the NFL right now. He recruited the first black QB at USC, hired the first black coach in the modern era, hired the first NFL female CEO, and the 2nd NFL Latino head coach. Props, love, and thoughts, my man. If it wasn't for MY boys, you might have a couple more rings also. Sorry.
43) Florida was down to LSU with 2:30 left in the 1st quarter at their crib. They were at about midfield. It was 4th and 6. They went for it. They didn't get it. ??????????????????? WTF? Did you think you were playing college BASKETBALL and think there were only 2 halves and not 4 quarters? I am confused.
44) I get 3 out of 4 for my baseball playoffs predictions, and MY team is the one I miss? Hey, Rollins, don't leave. Please? Why don't you stay and Howard can go?
45) LIVE UPDATE that will NOT be live when you read this. The NBA just announced it is cancelling the first 2 weeks of the regular season. Damn. Everything that happens will now have an asterisk. The Spurs and Heat are actually pouring champagne right now. The postponement means they won't have to start out the season slow.
46) The rookie defensive AND offensive player of the year might be on teams that combine for 6-7 wins. Welcome to the NFL, Cam and Von. Don't worry, I won't use your names in Scrabble. That would be useless.
47) Pain. Watching Nebraska come back against Ohio State...and I hate both of them. Let me re-read that statement. Evidently, I hate Nebraska a lot more. Yup.
48) In all of the technological advances we have going on these days, I want to know how those round tees being used in the LSU game were not keeping a football up in limited wind. Twice in a row, a player had to be a holder. Who was the Einstein that made THOSE things? Go have a beer with the person who invented Velcro and then give me a call.
49) I was requested to put this in my rant, but am starting to run out of steam. Promises are promises though. Therefore, since this thing is all about stream of consciousness, and I still have a few things to get to, I thought I would just be lazy and paste his request. Your move, Mr. Pitino. Of all the veiled shots John Calipari has taken at Louisville basketball and Rick Pitino, this might be my favorite. Because Calipari doesn't mention either. He simply refused to acknowledge that Louisville has a basketball program. ... [During a recent interview, while UK fans were camping out for tickets], Calipari got to talking about how great that was, how Kentucky's unlike any other school. The typical stuff. And without prompt, as he's prone to do, Calipari managed to sneak in a shot at Louisville. "There's no other state -- none -- as connected to their basketball program as this one," Calipari said. "Because those other states have other programs."
50) FBS Picks: 3-2. Not stellar, but back on winning track. I don't play them as I am retired, but hopefully you forgot to take last week's bets, but made all of the ones this week. Utah: loss, Georgia: won, BYU: won, WVU: won, CU: lost (you guys really DO suck)
51) AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! Tim Tebow. Listen. I love this town, but I can't BELIEVE I am stuck here for a week reading about whether Tebow should start. Son of a bitch! I can't believe this guy. It WON'T work, people. Stop chanting his name. Stop pretending you have spent 5 or 20 minutes with him. Stop talking about the TWO passes he threw like a laser. AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Hold on. Let me check something. DAMN. I was RIGHT. They have a bye week. That is TWO freaking weeks I have to read about it. Well, I am a glass half full kind of guy. I would hide sharp objects in my apartment if he would have won the game. That would have SUCKED.
52) Is there an over/ under in Vegas on how much money Albert will command if he wins the World Series over whether he doesn't? I am sure it is negligible, but just curious. Ever since I was able to bet on Tiger Woods's first round in a golf tournament vs. total rushing yards for Kevin Faulk in the Super Bowl, I have always been intrigued. Just for the record, when I DID bet, I went 7 straight years of winning the coin toss. Just saying...
53) I have things not crossed off on my list, but I believe that 53 takes is enough for all of us. Things I missed. Frank Gore on the Eagles throwing in the towel, making jokes about the Eagles being 1-4, more on the baseball series (sorry), the Coyotes goaltender throwing Pat Tillman on his gear, Curtis Painter, Maynard Edgar, Obama saluting the '85 Bears, roughing fines, NHL comments (give me another week to get some patterns together), etc.
54) In the words of the QB in Denver who can't catch a sniff, Now I'm Done. (Fox, will you PLEASE play him so I can concentrate on this closing line instead of the Lethal Weapon line???). Peace, people. Talk to you later this week...
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