If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits eighty-eight miles an hour...you are gonna see some serious shit...

Read it, don't read it, I don't care...just needed to get some things off my chest.


In no particular order of chronology or importance...


1)  Oregon head coach Chip Kelly was in talks this week with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.  He has announced now that he will not take the job and remain in Oregon.  My problem with it is this.  Sure, I get you have to examine all angles if you are a successful coach like Chip is.  That being said, you let all of this go down in the media one week before signing day.  I can't speak for all recruits, but if I am a guy on the fence between Oregon and another school, I am leaning the other way, as clearly Chip Kelly isn't in ultimate happiness and content (message also from my super-cool rock concert church I go to...stop bitching about things.  There is a bigger plan.).  He is still checking things out.  I would have a subconscious worry that he might jump somewhere else while I am at school there. The problem with this theory is that the school is funded by Nike, so maybe coaching isn't as important to me and I would still just want to go use their fancy facilities.


2)  I admit it.  Even though I picked the Bulls to come out of the East in the NBA, there was a logical, basketball part of me that thought it actually might be feasible for the Heat to give that '96-'97 single season wins record a run.  Obviously, that concept is now gone.  I know they have had some injuries, but their losses still came against a couple teams they should have beat, outside the Nuggets (I don't consider that a bad loss, as the Nuggets will continue to be dangerous for anyone).  I thought the chemistry would really come together for the Heat squad this year.  Not.  11-5 at writing time.  Guess not.


3)  I follow golf relatively closely, although of course there will be winners from time to time I am less familiar with.  That being said, I admit that this is the second straight week that I couldn't read the headline and know the winner's first name.  Crazy stuff.  Forget that.  Let's talk about a cool golf story.  Bubba Watson, who his peers say is one of the best guys on tour, just bought the actual Dukes of Hazzard car this week.  That is awesome.  Makes you understand his low key, southern personality a little more, and makes me sad that I don't just have cash sitting around that I can spend on fun stuff.  Whoever the hell owns that DeLorean from Back to the Future would be bothered by my phone calls and emails if that was the case.


4)  I don't understand racing.  Danica Patrick has announced she will not run the Indianapolis 500.  Uhhh.  Didn't she JUST announce she was doing NASCAR this year?  I just ASSUMED she wasn't running the Indy 500 since she is now invested in stock cars.  I thought the last person to cross over at the same time was Tony Stewart back in the day trying to win a truck race, stock car race, and Indy race all in the same weekend.  I think it was 2001.


5)  Baron Davis is now practicing with the Knicks.  Great.  This all sets up too perfect for headcase Davis.  The Knicks are presently struggling.  He is about to start playing.  The Knicks are better than their record.  But.  If they start playing up to the level they should be, and Baron happens to be playing during that turnaround, he will once again get credit for something he does not deserve.


6)  Thought this would be a bigger headline instead of just a blurb.  All of the Big Ben haters snickered and cringed at the same time probably when they read that there "was a settlement" in the Lake Tahoe lawsuit.  I am a Steelers fan, am sure no matter how it turned out that he wronged that college bar chick on some level, and also am not totally buying into his innocence in a really weird report from out at Lake Tahoe.  Remember, the MOST we know is 40% of what is reported according to my theory.  This one would hover more around 10% though.


7)  Joe Pa died this week.  There is no reason to really drag this take out, when there are so many mixed emotions that go on during their little debacle.  Let's leave it to this.  My heart and prayers go out to his family, I mourn the loss of a coach that literally BECAME that football program, and I have a feeling that with the timing of everything, that he just kind of justifiably quit on life.  Sad.


8) Interesting tidbit for everyone on the UNC basketball bandwagon because of the boat load of talent they have over there.  Not one team since 1993 has won March Madness after losing by more than 25 points in any game during the season.  Last team to do it?  '93 Carolina.  So, I guess you could lament that 33 pt loss and say it might happen again in March, or say "hey, our school was the last to do it."  You say tomaaaato and I say tomahto.  Side note.  They just lost Dexter Strickland to an ACL injury.  That is the bad news.  The good news is that their lack of shooting (which still bothers me) isn't really effected at all on this loss.  Dude doesn't shoot any 3 ptrs.


9)  I work next to a guy at work who has a trait that fits right into me growing up in the eighties.  When he sighs, he makes this long ooooooooohhhhhmmmm that goes lower as it carries on.  This wouldn't interest me as is that much.  Everyone has odd traits.  But his is special to me.  It sounds EXACTLY like a sound effect in the video game Centipede.  EXACTLY.  You know when that bug comes straight down at you, and if you don't shoot it, it leaves a line of mushrooms or shrubs or something that will deflect the centipede if you don't shoot them?  THAT is what he sounds like.  Sometimes I just sit there and WAIT for it.


10)  Tiger has said that Haney's book is inaccurate and unprofessional.  Dude, I haven't read the book.  I don't know if he got into Perkins' waitresses.  I am just saying this.  You dug your own hole, and amazingly, the only way a lot of you fans come back to you is if you win something.  Ironic.  You want to win to catch Nicklaus.  People want you to win because otherwise they have nothing to be on your side for.  Just be quiet, get better, hope that Tony Romo doesn't play better than you at the Pebble Beach Pro-Am, and let your actions do the talking.  Side note.  I don't know why, but I am still rooting for you.  I might even go to Perkins this weekend for good karma.


11)  Too bad the Phoenix Suns didn't realize this during their prime.  Sure, the Saints already have a championship, but it was pretty clear this year that defense usually wins championships...in any sport.  They have hired Spagnola to run their defense.  Those offensive weapons will win MOST games, but not all of them.  Great hire.  Word is that when Spagnola accepted, he didn't even say "hello, Sean."  He just said "let's go get a Super Bowl."


12)  Article I didn't open and don't really care about.  The St. Louis Rams will be playing in London for a game over the next 3 years.  Why?  Is London hot for the Rams?  Is there some connection I am unaware of?  Does Bradford like traveling or have some chick over there?  I don't get it why a bad team with potential, trying to find its identity, as of late, signs up for that.  Confused.


13)  I didn't want this to go into the same take when I was talking about Joe Pa's death.  Just saying.  Do you know what the total severance pay was just for the Penn State assistants?  4.4 million.  Wow.


14)  The Steelers offensive coordinator Bruce Arians is set to retire. Word is that the Steelers are looking at OC's that are more blue collar, old school, Steelers football and run oriented.  Wait.  WAIT.  Not saying I don't like that style, but looking at our wideouts presently and our raper QB's skills, I would say meeting in the middle is a better plan. Come on, guys.


15)  Kobe and his wife officially split financially this week.  She didn't make out bad at all.  Like Eddie Murphy said in Raw, she got half. What is half?  $75 million plus a mansion or two.  Not bad at all.  Word is she is taking a vacation to CO to spend some.  Male hotel employees are suddenly not calling off work.


16)  Floyd Mayweather called out Manny Pacquiao again.  Dude, give it a rest.  Sure, he would fight you-he is just quieter and less idiotic than you.  I have never heard a guy who is about to go to prison talk so much shit.  You make me laugh, and that is why you are on my "team."


17)  In all of this trade talk rumors, Dwight Howard had another 20-20 night.  Dude is just a scary player.  He is like a really tall Shannon Sharpe in stature.  Remember who experts were debating on taking at #1 when he came into the draft?  Emeka Okafor.  I think the Magic made the right call.  You?


18)  Feeling like he is not getting enough blog time for being on my "team,"  Manny Ramirez is debating on a comeback.  Dude.  Just go do all of those odd things you do in your past time in Manny's world, and go quietly into the night.


19)  Kim Clijsters will just not go away (I actually don't want her to).  She was a #11 seed in this tourney and now gets the lucky task of playing #1 seed Wozniacki.  If I could figure out when the hell that shit was on (the schedule and whether it is live or taped really confuses me), I might try and catch it.  All I know is that Maria Sharapova is still in it, is playing well, is #6 overall on my chick list, and I like watching her matches with sound (YOU finish the joke-think HOT Monica Seles).  You go, girl.  I won't get a Williams matchup for you, but Serena losing (actually.  getting SMOKED) has paved the way out of your bracket.


20)  I won't go into this too much because I have said it a MILLION times.  That being said, I saw Mason Plumlee do a hook shot this week.  It worked.  Why wouldn't it?  Why aren't more players doing it?  It doesn't make freaking sense.  The player who went 88-2 in college, won multiple championships in the NBA, and is the all time leading scorer in the greatest basketball league on earth...used the sky hook.  SOMEONE.  Bring it back.  Hell, even a regular mini hook would make me happy.


21)  Kevin Love is becoming a scary player.  He took down the Clippers Friday with a buzzer beating 3 ptr.  It is one thing that the guy is a 20-15 guy on a bad team.  It is even scarier that the guy can shoot, too.  If I was starting a team, he would be on my list.


22)  Folks.  We have a Tressel sighting.  I repeat.  We have a Tressel sighting.  The Colts are talking to him.  Might as well, bro.  You are pretty much banned from college, so make the jump.  There are less rules in the NFL, and players already get paid.  You don't recruit, because there is what is called the draft.  You are all set.  In the AFC, we could feasibly have the "Hoodie" and the "Vest."  I like it.


23)  The Rangers co-owner has said he wants Josh Hamilton over Prince Fielder.  Not saying that Fielder isn't a player, but this a borderline sky is blue, grass is green take.  I would take Hamilton in a heartbeat over Fielder.  No offense, Prince.


24)  I got tricked.  I HATE when I open something for a headline, and don't realize that I don't care.  Damn.  Anyway, I saw "Rodriguez scores 5 in US's 14-0 rout."  I said who is Rodriguez, scored five what, what sport, and who did they beat??  It was women's soccer.  Dammit.


25)  Who is Florida State basketball?  They have losses to Princeton and Harvard (Harvard loss doesn't look all that bad these days) earlier this year, and then destroy UNC by 33, and beat Duke AT Cameron.  I don't care WHAT year you are talking about, winning at Cameron is a bitch.  Anyway, in our search for the third best ACC team and with my Cavs making a statement, the Seminoles do that and my Cavs lose AT HOME against their rival, VA Tech.  Good news is that UVA kept VA Tech to 47 pts, under their nationally ranked average of 50 point something.  Bad news is that UVA scored only 45.  That won't work, boys.


26)  Crazy bball weekend all over.  The Baylor Bears lose AT HOME to Missouri.  Missouri jumps to #2 in the nation.  Evidently, I am the only person in the country who saw Missouri get absolutely smoked against K-State.  In addition, Syracuse drops to FOUR?  That is a little harsh.  I know.  I know.  They started all of their games at home early in the season.  They lost to quality team in one of the toughest places to play, with one of the best records against #1 teams all time.  I think you drop Syracuse to 2 or 3 and call it a day.  They didn't have Fab Melo for Pete's Sake.  I know that is different from Ohio State losing at KU without Jared Sullinger, but he is still a defensive presence to say the least.  That is like the Knicks losing Tyson Chandler.  Oh.  What?  Whoops.  Sorry.  TOTALLY different.  I realized the Knicks are somehow sucking at defense WITH Tyson.  Bad simile (I used "like" or "as," right?). 


27)  What an odd trade.  The Red Sox traded Marco Scutaro to the Rockies for Clayton Mortensen.  Scutaro actually started playing well late in the season, and the Rockies traded away a pitcher...a YOUNG pitcher.  Is this that whole "change of geography" trade thing?  Ok.  I get it.


28)  Except for the fact that I had to listen to Scott Hastings announce it, the Nuggets-Knicks 2 OT over the weekend was fun to watch.  Miller's crazy three, awesome alley oop, then them somehow giving him back the ball behind the 3 pt line, thinking he would make two in a row (too funny), and Gallinari's 38 pts.  Sure, they were playing the Knicks, who aren't really good right now.  The Knicks are like the poor man's Miami Heat...struggling with great talent.  The Nuggets are playing basketball the way it should be played.  Chemistry.  Unselfishness.  Energy.  Watch out for this team. Just saying.


29)  Just a Fillerbuster dumb joke.  I have KU-A&M on in the background.  At halftime, Bill Self said that his team was down because they were playing "selfish."  In his world, is that good or bad?  He he he.


30)  Interesting fact that I know you were losing sleep over.  I am here for you.  Clint Dempsey broke through for the United States soccer this week.  He is officially the first American to ever record a hat trick in the Premier league.  Google this people.  His last two goals were pretty freaking fancy.


31)  One more thing on Notre Dame basketball.  They are now 6-3 against #1 teams at home in their history.  Amazing record for a team that has two championships.  1927 and 1936.  Long time ago and a big lack of Final Fours for a team no one at the top of the rankings wants to play at their crib.


32)  Just above watching their refs dodge any contact with the puck and players on the ice, I am always amazed by NHL deflection goals.  When they show the replay, it doesn't even look like they are just sticking their stick out there and praying for a good result.  They actually look like they mean it.  I personally this might be tougher than hitting a 95 mph fastball.  Just saying.


33)  I love good "flippers."  I call this the shows/ movies you watch at commercial breaks when only one good sports event is showing.  I had a LOT going on Sunday.  Not only did I have UVA basketball in the first half (I admittedly have to tell you that the NFL game was my "flipper."), but check out the second half.  NFL football.  Gran Torino.  Rambo IV.  AND the end of Tin Cup as a bonus in the third quarter.  I should have just got a bedpan.  Anyway, if you haven't seen Rambo IV, you should check it out.  Not saying it is good.  Simply saying it is MUCH better than you would expect a Rambo IV to be.  I hear the earlier Rambo's weren't exactly in the Oscar conversations.


34)  I hear Ray Lewis is returning for another year.  That guy is a machine.  I would be pissed enough being a Raven for the last 6-7 years and know how close they get to the SB every year.  HE has at least won one.  Dude just wants to play obviously, or come back to training camp and harass Lee Evans the entire time.


35)  Odds on bet on who is watching the Super Bowl together in two weeks.  Kyle Williams, Lee Evans, and Ted Ginn (just because he wasn't there).  I hear that Kyle Williams is buying.  Quick.  Recon team.  Someone call Marcus Vick and Plaxico Burress.  Tell Marcus to pick them up ( I am not totally sure why I always want him to drive-think it is because that is the one offense he DIDN'T do).  Tell Plaxico to go get some guns.  I have a good feeling about this.  Strip club.  DO it.


36)  Joe Flacco actually played good enough to win.  Shame.  It is kind of like Phil Mickelson holing out a 7 iron in 2000 against Tiger Woods.  You do something of worth, and you STILL get pimped.  You will have your time, bro, as long as they can reload you defense.


37)  Speaking of the Ravens, did you know that they have a guy named Anquan Boldin on the team?  Remember that guy?  Poor guy went to the black hole of receiver land evidently.


38)  The 49ers defense also played good enough to win.  Shame.  They were one tier below of what the Ravens defense was in 2001, and Alex Smith was one tier below of...Trent Dilfer.


39)  I could break down the historical aspect of what happens if Eli Manning wins one more game.  There are plenty of sites with people who have writing about these historical aspects as their full time job to do that.  My job is to make funny comments about these historical aspects.  I just think this.  If he wins one more game, and him and Peyton get in an argument, only one of them will be walking away giving the other just the finger (it is because Eli will have two rings...).


40)  I think the Celtics should pick up Greg Oden.  Not because it would be a good fit.  I think that team and Greg Oden are aging at the exact same rate these days.


41)  I understand the concept of having a highly watched game being followed by the most watched show on TV.  I was thinking if the NFL got any new fans over the weekend.  Because I thought it was odd that the game, which went into overtime, was being followed by American Idol.  Hope a few shallow Idol watchers said, "I can't wait for my show, but I will watch this sporting event since it seems to be going over regular time."


42)  I just talked to people who are aging quickly.  In the words of Robert DeNiro in Heat, "there is a flip side to that coin."  Kevin Milwood just signed a minor league contract with the Mariners.  That guy has been around a long time.  I think Derek Lowe and him are the same person.  Where is the Lost producer?  I need him.  Time warps.  We can put Case Keenum from Houston on the show also.  Shit.  I really wish I had that DeLorean actually.  I am sure this all fits in SOME way.  I need a FLOW CHART PRONTO.  Shit.  If there was some way I could put the flux capacitor in Bubba's Watson's Dukes of Hazzard car.  If only...


43)  I have been praising the taste of Coke Zero for a while now.  I proved it again today.  My office was out of Coke Zero, probably because I have gotten everyone to drink it now.  Anyway, I got a Diet Pepsi instead.  Whereas I finish a Coke Zero on average in 4.3 minutes on average even while working, I threw away about 1/12th of the Diet Pepsi...after 20 minutes.  People.  Two things.  Watch Rambo IV and drink a Coke Zero while watching it.


44)  The Penguins have won 6 straight...without Crosby.  Wow.  Don't give me that addition by subtraction shit.  Can you even imagine that team with Sidney?  Sick.


44a) If you have not gone to see Extremely Loud, Incredibly Close, go see it...tomorrow.  It was moving, and the first movie to make me cry that did NOT involve a dog dying.  I compare it to such movies as Forrest Gump, Pay It Forward, etc.  It took a sensitive subject as 9/11, and broke it down in a way that we all can understand, without crossing the line for anyone who lost someone in that debacle.  It took  a complex plot, and gave closure to all plot area, with a realistic ending.  Brilliant.  Moving.  Powerful.  The irony is this.  I read a bunch of reviews when I got home from watching the movie, and the things people complained about, I actually liked about the movie.  It was a fragmenting movie.  It is worth the $10, people.  Go see it.


44b)  The Family Guy about Lois making an adult movie is on.  Classic.  Have I ever shared how freaking hilarious this show is?  I haven't?  Well, it is.


45)  That is it for tonight.  Roads?  Where we are going, we don't NEED roads.  Peace, all.  I am out.